It was 9 A.D.. Three Roman legions were destroyed in an ambush by an alliance of Germanic tribes led by Arminius. Most legionnaires were killed in the ambush, while the survivors were captured by the victorious barbarians. The defeat was so complete that the three Roman legions' numbers were never used again.
What if, however, a certain senior centurion serving in the Eighteenth legion actually survived the ambush? What if, instead of having died in the disastrous battle, went to Equestria through means of a portal to live out the rest of his life there?
(This is my first fanfic, so please help me out by pointing out my errors and offering some advice.)
I do not own the photo.
Chapters (1)
So, uh, what do you guys think?
i love it! personnay beacuse i am greek....and theres alot of greek history in roman history :D but yes its a great story and u should continue with it
This is certainly an interesting development, I shall await the next installment.
They even have fire ants in Europe? Sure do in Texas tho.
First of all, you didn't ask me to be gentle in my critique, like many other newcomers. That earns you a gold star in my book.
In alles, your work is decent. Nowhere near great, but decent. With a little spit, polish and elbow grease, this could be bumped up to good.
"Lost Roman Legion" is one of the oldest clichés in Alternate History fiction, but this is the first time I've seen it done with ponies.
Your style of writing is pretty fluid and descriptive, which I like. Grammar, yes. Spelling, yes. Not enough characterisation to really make a judgement.
You may want to rethink tagging this as "Everyone", though. Site practice is that everything that deals with war in any sense automatically warrants a "Teen".
Stop censoring obscenities. Someone who's old enough to read that battle-scene is old enough to read the word "Shit". If you don't want to use obscene or profane language, work around it. Feel free to use some invocations of Roman gods as curse-words when appropriate, I think it would add some nice flavour.
There are a few sentences that feel cumbersome, and you need to remember to show, not tell. Some examples:
"Arminius, their ally, was riding the horse. He had betrayed them and led them into an ambush." Did you really need to tell us that, especially since the sentence " Arminius, that double-crossing filthy bastard. If I ever meet him, I’ll personally see to it that he would be tortured for the rest of his pathetic life." shows up later? Would having Marcus say something have been better?
Speaking of the sentence: " Arminius, that double-crossing filthy bastard. If I ever meet him, I’ll personally see to it that he would be tortured for the rest of his pathetic life." The italics should be is. It's one of those things that's easy to overlook when you're constantly reworking a text, but these kinds of errors are jarring.
"Inside it, he could see the land of Equestria, but of course he did not know it’s name.". Show, not tell. What is Marcus seeing through the portal? We, the readers, know he's going to Equestria, and even if we didn't know, it would be apparent where he's gone to sooner or later.
"First, however, he picked up some weapons in order to defend himself and to hunt for food later. Marcus picked up an unbroken javelin, a bow and some arrows. He still had his sword and dagger though, so he didn’t pick up any of those." The last sentence seems cumbersome. Describe how he knows he still has his sword and dagger.
A nitpick: Aquilae is plural. The singular is aquila, and I don't think our hero would have been held responsible for the other legions losing their aquilae.
Finally, a recommendation. Get someone to proofread. Find someone on the site, or hand your material to a friend before you post it.
878979
Yep. Quoth Wikipedia: "Myrmica rubra, also known as the European fire ant or common red ant, is a species of ant of the genus Myrmica, found all over Europe and in some parts of North America and Asia."
Two of my favorite things?
Shirly, this will not totally suck!
Hmm... noly a 'human' tag? how can you make a story without more actual tags?
Anyway, I'll get to reading this when I have the time.
"Why not? He argued. Even if I return to Rome, they’ll probably crucify me for ‘cowardice’ and for losing the aquilae. I have nothing to lose if I enter it."
Factual mistake here; Roman citizens were never crucified, regardless of their crimes. That punishment was reserved for non-citizens convicted of serious crimes.
I like this, this is cool. A VERY clever premise, and the imagery draws me right in. Very nice!
A few notes:
"It's" vs. "Its"
"It's" is the contraction of "it is," while "its" is possessive. So: "Its chicken is green, and it's creeping me out..."
Other than that, your grammar is impeccable. Good work!
Also, watch out for repetition, such as when Fluttershy was thinking about the salad: "letting out a chuckle as she recalled the time he refused to eat a salad specially prepared for him. He stubbornly refused to eat the salad until she was forced to use her trademark Stare."
This could be rephrased to be 'As she let out a chuckle, she recalled the time that he had refused to eat a salad specially prepared for him; refused, that is, until she used her trademark Stare.'
On a final note: Is this guy suicidal or what? Barbarians ain't got NOTHING on an angry Fluttershy.
I look forward to more! This is cool.
879064 Yay! My knowledge has been doubled. Appreciate the info. : scootangel:
I have been taking Latin for three years, so if you need any help with latin, I'm your guy. (don't use Google translate, as it only uses generic translations.) I'm also good with english, so if you ever look for an editor, I can help.
All in all, you gotta good idea going on here. You have my interest.
Also, that battle was fought on a narrow forest pathway, with the Romans literally walking in a single file line. They also had women, children, slaves and supplies with them. And yeah, as mentioned above, Roman citizens were never crucified. They were typically beheaded, as it was seen as more honorable.
My home town has a 100 foot tall monument to Arminius, featuring a nearly 30 foot tall copper statue!
TOTALLY gonna read this after I'm done working!
Romans and Ponies man, fantastic dude. I love it.
I know people already beat me to it but crucifixion was saved only for non-Roman citizens. The absolute worst punishment in the Roman Legion was decimatio, meaning decimation. It's when every tenth man steps forward and gets beaten to death by the other nine. And losing a battle doesn't warrant that. At most...I'd say he loses a bit of honor, gets ridiculed, and might lose a title.
You've caught my interest, I've always loved roman history, so i'll be watching this.
"Inside it, he could see the land of Equestria, but of course he did not know it’s name."
Major error.
If the character himself doesn't know what its called then don't bother typing up the name.
wow.
thanks for the feedback guys
I think that most of my nitpicks have already been mentioned, so I won't repeat them.
I do like the concept very much. In ancient and medieval legends, portals, bridges, or doors, etc... to other 'lands'/ 'worlds' were common place. I eagerly await the next installment to see how this progresses!
880649
Alright I'll change that
879031
Well, being in a family where expletives aren't *ahem* encouraged...
879350
Guess I need to pay more attention in school, heh
888917 Actually, I think its/it's isn't really covered in school. I know I've had to Google it several times to keep it straight. After a certain point, I think teachers assume you know it/are tired of talking about it, and decide to move on to other things, like Aristotelian (which I have just mangled the spelling of) Appeals and what-not.
888908
Okay, you don't want to use expletives. That's perfectly fine, and you don't have to justify to me or anyone else why you don't want to use them. What I'm saying is, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Work around it, find other ways to express the same sentiments without using the words. Blacking out words you wrote yourself is, at least in my opinion, a cheap cop-out, and it looks strange to me on-page.
It seems like a small thing, I know, but it is one of the things that, at least for me, keeps this at being merely decent, rather than good. And your work deserves to be good.
Moar plz
Not to necro, but you realize that 3 Roman legions are 15,000 soldiers right?
Any chance of updates to this one?
4736829
Before coffee it's 49. But afterwards it jumps to 120.
Yeah I can turn a zombie into Einstein in 12 cups.
4736855 Way to drag up a 2 year old comment. And yah, I misspelled 'only'. Big whoop. At least I didn't condense my speech into text speak.
4737834 EG:
U wat m8? I'll fukin nock u right in the gabber u cunt!
4736786 Lol. I'm checking for new horse words at 12:56AM, cause I like to read about ponies on my breaks!
Still hoping you'll continue with this idea.
4738699 Yeah, I think this would be an interesting story, and i liked what I read so far.
Well... Ah downloaded mah pony tales to mah phone.
Reckon Ah ought to hit the hay now.
Y'all don't fergit Ah'd love to read more on this Arminius feller.
4736708 Dude, Necromancy on a story dead for two years? Why?
Either use profanity or don't. Censoring it is jarring.
You need to continue this.