After a near fatal accident while flying in a chariot, Twilight and her friends are dropped into The Divide, a deep and massive fissure far out in Equestria. Recovering from near death, Twilight sets out to brave this deadly fissure, in hopes of making it out alive with her friends.
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I hope u continue friend
Nice premise for a story, like it so far. a couple of things though:
That should be one sentence.
I don't think a small drop of blood can spread into a small pool.
This is something you never addressed. Why couldn't she move her neck?
Those were the only big things I noticed. You might want to copy your story and plug it into windows or some other program that can catch any grammer or spelling mistakes you make. (That's what I do)
Looking forward to more.
2161176 You know that's actually not a bad idea. I can't believe I never thought of that >.< Thanks for the advice :D
2161085 Godammit, it seems someone discovered my Fallout New Vegas inspiration pretty quickly. Just gonna have you know it's not based around the Lonesome Road DLC if that's what you thought. I just thought that The Divide was a cool concept.
2161442
You do know that NV is one of the better known open world games right?
Pro tip: Get your ideas from obscure titles.
Excellent story so far. I just hope that nothing beyond a broken leg and cut up wing affected Dash. I mean, she couldn't live without her wings. I can understand a broken one, just not one that's so badly mangled it could never be used again.
2161499 Yes I know that New Vegas is one of the better known sandbox games. But it was only the second comment that pointed it out.
You made a lot of promises in this introduction, but there's no hint towards the larger plot yet.
Some people are going to call the story a bluff if you don't give them an outline of the reasons early on. It's a lot easier to write descriptions of a for the results of a dark story than think of reasons for them. Several times in the past I have started reading stories that began like this and then went nowhere. Make sure you actually have something to give people or they will be frustrated.
Also the Celestia dialogue seems very OOC, but I assume you have a reason for that.
2163554 It actually did have a different description before. I actually strongly considered not changing it but something compelled me to do so. And Celestia's reason for acting OOC should be slightly implied based on where the mane 6 have ended up but I was planning on actually revealing why throughout the story. As for your comment about other stories like this going nowhere, well, we'll have to see about that. Trying to do the best I can here with a first story. Thanks for the insight though.
Yes! I love stories like this. It's scary, eerie and sad altogether. You rarely see stories like that though, especially as well written as this one. Keep it up my friend!