This story is a sequel to Fluttershy's Second Greatest Secret
Scootaloo somehow managed to get an interview with the Ponyville most well known musicians for the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The musicians were Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, during the interview Octavia was skeptical about of her best friend, she didn't have much to say and she was acting odd around them, and then she realized that she doesn't know much about her herself. So after a while Octavia's curiosity gets the best of her and is determent to find out why that is. Finding out Vinyl's Jarring, embarrassing and interesting secret in the process, along with a filly named Sweetie Belle.
Comedy is debatable.
And so is Slice of Life.
Read in either of these orders you like. But as of now they barely connect.
Chronological order:
Fluttershy's Second Greatest Secret
The Club's Connected to the Boutique
Well, That's Just Silly
Chronologically made:
The Club's Connected to the Boutique
Fluttershy's Second Greatest Secret
Well, That's Just Silly
An intriguing start...I shall look forward to seeing where this goes :)
be sure to reread a bit, so you can make sure of spelling and grammer errors, and cover over any where you might be missing some words. there are a lot of people who will lose interest in a good story if it looks like a cat was rolling around on the keyboard
i like the bit of backstory about Vinyl playing cello, it adds a bit to the relationship
i'll keep an eye on this one
2483114 Yeah, I noticed a few errors myself before you commented. And forgot a small plot point. Luckily the former is easy to fix and the I can write in the next chapter without shoehorning it in too much. This why you don't write or edit your own stuff late at night. I'll try to fix the error when the next chapter arrives.
sounds good. this one looks to be good, so i wish you luck
2483180 Thanks.
every now and then you seem to lose track of your words and repeat them
eg. as she turned as she turned to the pink mare
be sure to find those and edit them out
2708982 Usually I write when it's late. And I'm my own editor. I'll try and find it tomorrow, if I can remember. I guess I can say: "Redundancy's in my name, Redundancy's my game."
Celebrate good times come on! The first dislike!!! I was wondering when this would happen. This story could NOT just finish with dislikes. YES!!! I'm gonna dance the night away. Or at least until I need my sleep.
I must say, I gave this fic a chance, and while there were some minor quirks that made it difficult for me to continue at times, I did, and let me tell you I didn't regret it! You have a strong premise behind this fic.
There were some times when you inserted little quips, such as finding it unnecessary to describe the directions to the boutique, Octavia's adventure home, or even when you break in a sentence to say that you are making the character seem mean or to refer to your characters such as apologizing to Octavia and Sweetie Belle in the caverns. These little quips tend to break the focus of the passage and break the reader from their involvement in the situation taking place. Another thing that does this is using emoticons within story writing, these things are a major no-no in non-comedic writing.
I also suggest looking for someone to proof read your writing. This is a common thing, and a separate editor can usually spot things within your writing that you yourself won't catch. If you can find someone who is willing to work with you to flesh out the raw details within your piece, and you get along with them, that is ideal.
Now, I don't want you to think these critiques mean that I didn't enjoy your story. I really did! I love the purpose and you write the characters very well! If you were to fix the things I listed and fleshed out some more details into the scenes you skipped, this fic would be much stronger than it stands now, and that's saying something! You have a great story here, and given the tender love and care it needs, you could certainly have a very popular story on your hands!
Now, to those else reading this critique, know that I am not attempting to be harsh on Firebird, I just would like to see him succeed in making this story much better than he could have hoped. I would hate to see something like this go unnoticed due to minor writing quirks, and is why I want to help him to move above them.
Firebird, I hope you take everything I have said into consideration, and I hope to see you become a better writer than you could have ever imagined! Keep on writing!
Sincerely, Clockwork Vernal
3014594 I've been waiting for this type of comment. A positive constructive critique.
The small things first:
The emoticon was a one time thing. Was never planning doing that again.
The quips I make are kinda my shtick (I'm a snarker), I'm not really the type to take anything I do seriously. It shows.
As for proof reading. I do it it myself, I wanted to prove myself I could write something competent. But obviously there are oversights, and even though I'm fluent in English there's always the language barrier to worry about (I don't think that has to do with much). There's not gonna be a proofreader for now. Maybe I'll find one after this story is over. But there's already someone who's willing to proofread my first story once I return to that. I'm not exactly striving to be the best.
Again, I've been waiting for this kinda feedback and you delivered fantastically. It's greatly appreciated
~firebirdabird
madeoutoffire>>firebirdabirdoffire Thanks for replying, it really shows that you're serious about this story. Taking those things to heart to make the story all that it possibly can be is a healthy habit to practice! I look forward to seeing this story through, and I'm excited to see what you do with it afterwards!
Now, I'm aware that your quips and comments throughout your story are indeed your own quirk, and that's perfectly fine! But if I can make one suggestion, it would be this: Many authors tend to make use of the authors notes at the end of each chapter for such quips and comments, so as to not disturb the flow of the story at the time of it happening. It's always funny to read a serious chapter of a story, and then see the authors own comedic insight afterwards, and in a story like this, I feel it could work to your benefit. Now, keep in mind this is a suggestion, and you can do without it, but those quips and comments do tend to disturb the flow of the story quite significantly. I hope you take this into consideration for your future works and the future of this project itself.
Thankyou again, Clockwork Vernal
3017186 I do have limit. There are some more serious stories I wanna tell that don't have the quips at all.
And thank you again.
I expecting an octavia shrine in her room
B+ work...it was really well written and had some good humor here and there(especially the Pinkie 4th wall part)...only problem I had was the abundant grammatical errors spread throughout it(just like clockwork I suggest getting a 3rd party to edit cause people tend to overlook errors in their own works).
And if you don't mind I can do a quick editing spree myself should I find the time for it.
3122571 Go ahead if you want to edit.
3121227 Maybe in a bonus chapter. I am planning on making those. Not sure what's it going to be about.
...Wait a minute... *continues reading*
3151735 You read that fast?
I'm jealous.
Yeah I have no ideas of my own but when you write these chapters I would be glad to edit them for you like the rest of the story...when I get my lazy ass around to finishing it
3153331 Take your time.
A chapter that take place at Heart and Hooves where the CMC/ the Mane 6 / Magnum and Pearl try to put Octavia and Vinyl in a date ? No... Not enough original. Well, I don't have any other idea
And I'm sure the sister hooves social will be awesome.
3158509 this is on my list of potential premises. I'm thinking of all the possibilities right now.
3470360 Really? Okay. I took a risk and someone liked it. I should have have more confidence.
You should, you're a great writer, and don't let anyone tell you other wise.
3470388 The only one who says that is myself. Being self deprecating keeps can keep ones ego in check. Knowing a few tricks doesn't hurt either. Not being stupid helps too.
3470407 That is true, just don't bring down your ego to much. In other new it was a little rushed, but it was a good chapter non-the less, and I can't wait to read the others.
3470449 I promise more effort on those two, or is it three?
well all know they been played, cause nothin says romance like a little deception.
3513201 Only a few words are truer than that.
I wouldn't say I’m the biggest fan, just highly enthralled. I did enjoy the chapter and the story
, but I’m sad to hear that the fun’s over
. Oh well it was fun while it lasted
, can’t wait to read you next work.
3544694 I did say it was the last chapter i wrote. There was a huge break between the main story and the bonus chapters. Maybe I wrote something in between. Maybe...
3545256 "You clever boy you."
3545543 Expect it in about a month.
The dream part had me lost???
3676461 That was the point.
The writing is so intensely informal that I felt a little jarred from it at moments, I am adjusting though. Besides that, I'm enjoying it.
I may have looked up your story just to see if anyone else did a Vinyl/Rarity same character story since I was considering doing that myself.
Wait a minute!
Is that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?!
6578715 Congratulations! You won.
6579430
So wait, you're telling me that no one else saw through that?
6579483 It was my experiment at Subtly. And yes, and if they did they kept quiet about it.
6579565
You did a good job with the subtlety. I suspected but wasn't exactly sure until it said in the letter, 'Starry Skies, of the moon.' That was the clue that tipped me off.
That'd be "octave" in Dutch, plus -ia,
"and" in German,
"vinyl" in Spanish,
and the verb form of "scratch" in French.
^-^
By the way, for a better form of scratch, which is the noun form, better used would be "rayure" or "égratignure". Not to be nerdy or grammar Nazi or nothin' ^-^'
7021403 Surprised you went to the trouble, honestly.
2708998
...yeah....it is....
I've seen people, both fictional and real who would eat a letter.
I guess you could just say he had a bit of dumb luck