The CMC have a sleepover at Octavia and Vinyl Scratch's house, the Mane 6 go out for a night on the town. This can't go well.
What are the CMC up to? How the hay is Octavia going to manage four three out-of-control fillies? And what in Celestia's name is going on with Rarity and Apple Jack?
things happen that kinda screw things up for everyone but then again they have no idea whats going on and neither should you cuz why should any of this make sense and this is supposed to be funny but if its not funny then ok you dont have to read anymore but anyways yeah dont expect it to be funny im literally writing down whatever pops into my mind ok bye
Iwrotethisfirstchapteratleik4amyay
I don't have a better title for this story....
Feedback would be great! Either in the form of constructive criticism or clever comments...
Hahaha! It's funny dude you should continue it. The story brought a smile to my face and probably others good-day!
5655121 Thank you sosososososososososo much!
I'm so glad you liked it! I'm working on the next few chapters right now and have even started a sort-of equal and term not even done with this one! XD lol
I'm probably gonna post it as an unrelated separate story.
I noticed your post in the "I Just Want A Comment" group, so thought I'd pop my head in and have a look at this. And... it's pretty cute, actually. Made me smile several times, especially with Sweetie's impression of Rarity near the start.
Actually, I rather like your Rarity. She's a bit too wordy at times, but the tone really isn't bad at all. I don't think she'd really worry about Sweetie Belle's weight, though; she never has done in the show. She'd probably object to cake more on the grounds of mess. She might say something like, "Sweetie Belle! If you eat any more cake, you won't even fit into your dress!" but it wouldn't be an entirely serious comment.
Finally, your English is pretty good. There are a few typos (eg it's "Ah'm", not "Ahm") but only a few.
So, there are some nice things here, which is always good to see. Now, some things to work on. This section will be longer, because I'll be making some suggestions. Doesn't mean your story is terrible, though, because I honestly don't think it is.
1) Your description needs work. Drop everything from "uuuuhhhhhh......." onwards; it just makes it look like you put no effort into this. If people see that, they'll wonder why they should put any effort into reading it. You can leave the last line (the request for feedback) in if you like. Also, what's up with "
fourthree out-of-control fillies"? There's nothing in the story so far that even hints at there being four of them.2) Names. Always, always get canon names right; it's one of the first things people look for when deciding whether to spend time reading a story. It's "Applejack", not "Apple Jack". It's "Fillydelphia", not "Phillydelphia". The MLP Wiki is good for checking up on this sort of thing. You get points for getting "Apple Bloom" and "Sweetie Belle" right, though; plenty of authors spell those names wrong.
3)
Several problems here. First, a very simple one: you're missing a word before "night". Second, why would Rarity refer to herself in the third person like that? Third, it's an odd thing for Rarity to do in any case. I could believe it in Manehattan, and probably Canterlot, but Ponyville is a small place. Unless Pinkie's throwing a party, there's not really a lot of nightlife.
Finally, a couple of things to watch out for as you write more:
1) Putting a [random] tag on a story doesn't give you a free pass to splash down anything you like. A good [random] story will still have its own internally consistent logic. It might be weird logic, but it will be more than just a collection of scenes linked by jokes. If you can pull this off, you're doing better than most [random] authors.
2) There's a [romance] tag on this, too, and I'm guessing by the description that it may well be RariJack. Make sure you set up the romance somehow and don't have it coming out of nowhere. As this is [random], you can do something weird to set it up, but it needs to be done somehow.
Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough. I hope some of that was useful to you.
5676363 your welcome bro dont worry other well comment later on when they know your a great writer.
5690903 i didnt know you were in the i want a comment group! That's why I'm here to.
5692160 I've been in it for ages, but I don't tend to say much. Thanks for the watch, incidentally. :)
5694983 your welcome i dont message people much other than the people who want a comment
5690903 Thank you for the help :) I'm just trying to see where this is going. I wrote this all at about 2:30 in the morning, so It's not supposed to make too much sense.
I also don't want it to make much sense at all, so should I add an [au] tag to it along with the [random]?
5690903
1) I just kind of wrote what popped into my head, but I probably should clean it up. And that "
fourthree fillies" thing is going to make its way into the story as a sort of joke.2) Thanks for pointing this out. I hadn't even noticed!
3) First: I'll fix the grammar on that. Second: idk why I feel like she has refereed to herself in the third person, but I might be thinking of someone else. Third: I'll figure something out. Maybe they're hopping on the train to Canterlot or there's going to be a party at Pinkie's? I haven't quite gotten to that yet since this was written on little sleep in about 20 minutes and I've been pretty busy since then.
5698944 Well, you're certainly getting the upvotes, so looks like your readers like where you're going! :)
You only need to use [AU] if you're going totally against canon. For example, if you're setting your story in a world where Sombra is a good guy or there's no such thing as the Elements of Harmony. Otherwise, you can probably let the [Random] tag do the work.
Wa-hay! This is good! You should TOTALLY continue this! c: I'll be on watch.
Make chapter two please.