I came from an amazing place but it's gone now all i remember is something about some unlimited energy source that the king found somewhere in Everfree like Really far in. then that's it, i woke up one day in Everfree and here is what i know my name is Snow shard, and i'm from the Phoenix pony kingdom but don't know how to get back or even if it still exists i still know simple things like how to fly and stuff but not anything else but i do know. (This is my first story on here i have written story's before but not like this.)
Chapters (7)
could use a bit of revision, but tracking to see where it goes.
Not trying to be mean, but you might want an editor.
find an editor, then revise this and I will read it. I like the idea, but I can't read it at the moment.
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One speaker per line. No exceptions.
Sweet babby Jesus. That last sentence. Oh god. I can't. dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2419-tumblr_ly6osvzc631qioqtlo1_400.gif
My Mary Sue alarm is just buzzing off the hook. Last of his kind? Phoenix pony? How the hell does a phoenix pony work? Does a pony do the nasty with a phoenix?
There's so many things wrong with that paragraph I can't even begin to list them.
Just... just get an editor. *quiet sob* Please. Get one.
I thought I could review this.
I love the style of your OC, but your story needs ALOT of work. There are run-on sentences, and you can't seem to distinguish between "There, their, and they're". Please tell me you know the difference between "loose, lose" "your, you're" ," of, off", and "to, too".
2115374 yes i do it's just for some odd reason i can't understand or something my ipod has some hard core lag when trying to work on it on ipod and my PC is well it's doing crazy stuff like puting in words i did not put in adding the same word twice by the time i was done last night i was like AHHH THIS IS CRAZY and just hit it thought i would work it later
Ok to everyone else First this is not hate just fact I had an editor but he quit on me so i have nothing in that one i will get to work on it also i'm stupid in the grammar thing i never thought much of it and payed no mind to focus on things i thought were more important your comments are noted and i will make it a skill to learn some more should not take to long i am a advance placement dude for whatever it is worth thanks
i like it so far but you really need a proofreader or editor(or both) to make it even better
but ill track this to see were it goes man
Ok well i have looked over the proper things for this and shall use what, i think it needs but what you all said was helpful thank you. However i can't get an editor he quit on me because he did not like my grammar. and i don't really know anyone else i can ask, the story's i make are vary important to me they are like my life i will revise this story a bit later until then thank you for not being all. --GAH YOU SUCK AT THIS GAH-- that is all
2114806 lol i'm working on it as for the phoenix ponies i plan to talk about that later in the story thanks for the input
still needs work
start a new paragraph every time you switch between who is talking
your are also missing a lot of capitals after periods
Well, if you are in need of an editor, I would be happy to help.
capitalize your I's
your also going too fast, add descriptions and details start showing us your story rather than just telling us
Pull the story, revise it, revise the damn description, then throw it out there again. Work on your pacing, your OC is fine although a bit Mary Sue, although that isn't always a bad thing when you think about it. Just, work a bit on it and try again.
Utterly unreadable.
Spelling, grammar, and capitalization all need serious work. And read this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue
Your editor quit because trying to fix this mess is a losing proposition. Come back when you've completed grade school.
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2143970 Thanks for the tip i will do that
its best to avoid using name: "dialog."
a better way to do it would be:
"dialog" says name
"dialog" replies name
or any variation of doing it this way also makes it easier to put a bit of emotion such as
"Hello, how are you" Snow said excitedly
also start a new paragraph every time you switch between speakers
you also still need to work on capitalization, every new sentence you start with a capital and that includes the beginnings of a dialog
Take a look at your summary, and count the number of periods in it. I really think you check up on some articles, like what is a "run-on" sentence.
Not trying to be mean, but there's also this: Special Snowflake Syndrome
Good job
Keep it up
2278357 Thanks
Oh god the grammar!!!
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Okay, well, yeah, just gonna be frank, the story is messed up.
Not the story itself, but the way it is written.
Overall, loads of potential, LOVE the Phoenix pony idea, really cool. It's true, I love the idea.
But, and this is a BIG but, you hardly ever use periods.
They're very important in ANY writing.
Furthermore, hardly anything is capitalized when it should be.
You need to capitalize the I's and even though you don't have any periods capitalizing where the beginning of a sentence should be is very important.
So, don't feel that bad if it looks like I'm just "hating" or your writing "sucks" because I'm not.
You just need to do some heavy editing, the story is nice and I think I could find it enjoying but it is nearly impossible when I can hardly understand it.
Sorry if this seems a little harsh but I am just stating the truth and speaking my mind.
Furthermore, you don't use the little '___' to indent your thoughts or anything!!!
Sometimes I can't tell if your narrating or the character is thinking.
I've read through some of your later Author notes and I see that you don't care about grammar, but it creates a problem in understanding your story half the time.
I know I have only really read the first chapter and part of the second, maybe I'm overreacting.
But it's just that this looks like it could be such a good read and I am a little sad to see it ruined because of the lack of grammar fixing.
More people WILL enjoy it if they can understand it.
Anyway, sorry for ranting and if I have upset you in anyway then I am terribly sorry.
I'll probably read the other chapters when I have free time but I'm no longer in the mood...
Anyway, have a good day,
Blue Spark out!
2295047 Oh that it? Well don't worry i did change a lot of stuff after chapter five. Chapter six is when the changes took full hold i'm just too dumb to remember to go back and fix stuff i think will do that tomorrow also i was having PC problems during chapter one and two
2295460
Understandable, I just hope that it will become easier to read.
2295512 Got it. Actually i'm at work on it right now.
2295564
Thanks, can't wait to read when it's, well, actually readable.
Or at least by my standards, that is.