My New Life in Equestria: Helping Has Its Ups and Downs

by HAZESHIFT

Chapter 2: My fantasy has too much pain at the moment - 2020 redux

Chapter 2: ….Well…. I don’t think this day will get easier

I watched Twilight pace around the room, zooming back and forth as office supplies floated overhead. She almost tripped over her hooves in anticipation at least once, but it wasn’t every day you got to ask questions to a new kind of species that you summoned from who knows where. Or at least that’s what I thought she was thinking.

“Twilight, are you almost done? You’re taking forever!” I heard Rainbow call out and snap Twilight out of her little automated process

“I’m just making sure we have all the necessary things so that I can- I mean we can ask Dan all the questions we can think of. Does that sound reasonable, Dan?” she asked and I could feel that this was gonna be a long process.

“Uh sure, but would it be okay if I asked you guys some questions about this place too?” But I still had to play along with my whole “This is weird and I still don’t know where I am” schtick.

“Oh, a back and forth collaboration on the cultures of two new and recently introduced species and civilizations! That’s a great idea!” Twilight squealed and I looked to the closest windows to check for cracks. Twilight looked like she was about to burst into pieces from fun and happiness…or just like Pinkie on a regular day. I knew that they would probably ask some questions that I really wouldn’t want to answer but…. I honestly didn’t know if I could lie to hem. Curse their pony cuteness! “Dan, if you’re ready, you can have a seat wherever you like,” Twilight said which broke me out of my little trance. I decided to just have a seat on the couch that was in the library. Which by the way, a library made out of a tree is pretty cool. I managed to not flop down on the couch, it was lower to the ground than what I considered normal for a couch. I sat down comfily for about half a minute before a blur of something that felt like an impossible cross between a pillow and a cannonball hit me in the stomach. Needless to say, this day wasn’t turning all sunshine and rainbows.

“Pinkie...dear, don’t you think that you should have at least warned Dan before you did… that… and why are you still sitting on him?” Rarity tried to come to my rescue.

“Well I thought that he looked kinda squishy and wanted to know, so I jumped on him, and he is! And now he just feels kinda comfortable so he makes a pretty good seat!” Pinkie said from my lap while I ignored the “squishy” comment.

“Pinkie Pie…you are just-!” Rainbow Dash didn’t even finish her statement as she laughed at the sight of Pinkie sitting in my lap.

“Jealous you didn’t think of it first Dash? Maybe you wanna perch on my shoulder like an eagle instead?” I said and okay, yes, this time I was aiming to embarrass Rainbow Dash, and managed to succeed in my mission. But before a semi scarlet Rainbow could get some backlash, Applejack stepped in with a question.

“Uh, Pinkie, don’t ya think you still shoulda asked Dan before you cannonballed right into him?” she asked to which Pinkie then swiveled her head around to look up at me. She had on this puppy dog look that said both “I’m sorry” and “pweeeaasse?” all at the same time… and like I said before, curse pony cuteness.

“Eh, its okay Applejack. She reminds me of one of my cats,” I told Applejack

“Alrighty then sugarcube, Ah just hope ya know what you’re in for.” she shrugged as Twilight finally got everything that she needed and everyone else found a seat somewhere around me while Pinkie was sat in my lap.

“Okay Dan, we’re going to start with some easy questions. Ahem… first question; what’s your full name?” Twilight, of course, started it all off.

“Daniel William Allen.”

“Okay, next question; what are you… species, I mean?”

“Human; and if you want to be precise, I believe scientifically I’m called Homosapien Sapien.”

“Oh, your species speaks Latineighian?”

“…sure?”

“Okay then, well next can you tell us about your biology.”

“Well as you said earlier, I am bipedal, I got two legs and-”

“Wait, if you only got two legs then what are these other two things you got stickin’ out of you?” Rainbow interrupted by grabbing my arms with her hooves and flailing them about in a funny way. Wait, how did she pick my arms up with hooves?

“They’re called arms and my hands are attached to them.” I showed them my hands and flexed them a bit. I got six little “oohs” for showing my hands, like children seeing a simple magic trick. Fluttershy weirdly enough was the next to ask something.

“Um… what… what do you do with your um... hands?”

“The same things you guys do: grabbing stuff, opening stuff, writing, cooking, petting animals, massaging, scratching an itch…”

“OH OH! Did you say scratching itches?” Pinkie interrupted

“Yes, Pinkie I did.”

“Okie Dokie then cause well I got a super-duper itchy scratch down at the bottom of my neck but I can’t bend my hooves that way; do you think you could scratch it for me?”

“Pinkie, that is a very unladylike thing to ask from someone we haven’t spent a lot- oh…” Rarity started to chide Pinkie but I didn’t mind helping her out in this situation. If I had a scratch I couldn’t reach I would probably ask a friend for help. I finally got to feel how soft a ponies fur can be, it reminded me of my blanket from when I was a kid…and yes I still have the blanket… for memories of course. Reaching down to the base of Pinkies neck I lightly brought my fingers over her fur and I felt pinkie tense up a little bit but from there she proceeded to basically melt. Weirdly enough I kind of expected this but still didn’t think that she would almost literally melt in my lap.

“Oh wow, that’s… that’s just fantastic.” Pinkie sleepily slurred. That was probably the least amount of words at that slow of a speed I had ever heard Pinkie say… ever. The rest of the girls looked at me and Pinkie in some kind of astonishment.

“What? Its no big deal. Alright, now it’s time for me to ask questions. Twilight, tell me about this place, I’m in an unknown land so fill in the gaps about here, and if anything that might be different in my world; I’ll tell you.” I decided it was probably a good idea to shift gears and move everyone’s attention away from what was happening in my lap.

Twilight brightened at this “Okay then, well you’re in the land of Equestria, one of a few nations on the planet Equis. We are the biggest nation so others look to us for help. Most of the inhabitants are ponies, but we live together with a bunch of other animals but some don’t or can’t talk. We are ruled by two Princesses who move the sun and the moon to turn day into night and night into day. Unicorn ponies have the ability to use magic to do many things. While Pegasi ponies can move clouds and stage different weather events. And lastly, we have Earth ponies who are more intoned with nature so they can grow things better than most can.”

“Wow, that’s a lot different than where I’m from.”

“What is it like where you’re from Dan?”

“Well, for starters, we live on a planet called Earth, the sun, moon, stars, and weather all kinda do their own thing, we can’t control them… or at least not yet anyway; we are...were experimenting with weather stuff. We don’t have magic per se, we have people who call themselves magicians and perform illusions that fool your eyes and stuff; you know like card tricks and the like. Okay, I got a question, what’s you’re level of technology?”

Weirdly enough, Applejack responded first. “Well, up on the farm we got all your basic tools. Hammer, saws, screwdrivers, and we have a plow or two for tillin’ the fields when we need to.”

“And at my boutique, I make wondrous works of fashion. I have a couple of sewing machines as well as a washer and dryer for any cleaning that may need to be done.” Rarity gave more of a mission statement than an answer but I didn’t want to say anything about that

And then from my lap Pinkie Pie congealed back into a solid form and contributed. “Oh, and at Sugercube Corner we have a bunch of kitchen-y gadgets which we use to make and bake delicious goodies for everybody to eat!”

Twilight then resumed control, “And besides those, we also have typewriters, pens, pencils, and quills for writing. As for travel, we have carts that can be pulled by ponies, hot air balloons, airships, and trains that can run on both pony power and coal. Oh, and for the more scientific-minded like myself, we just began using these machines called computers!”

Oh boy, she used the “C” word, now I had to dig in. Doing my best to hold back all my sarcasm and snark I asked “Oh really, computers? What specifications, Twilight?”.

“Well down in my lab I managed to get on of the better models on the market on the market, it runs on five hundred kilobytes which is...” it took about five seconds before I couldn’t keep myself from snorting in laughter and ended up interrupting Twilight, which earned me a puzzled look for which once again I say, curse pony cuteness.

“Sorry Twilight, but just hearing you say 500 kilobytes takes me back.”

“Oh, do you humans have computers on Earth?”

“Yeah, but they are a bit more powerful than the ones here.”

“Really? How much!?” I could see the joy and eagerness to know in her eyes.

“Well let’s see, last time I checked you could get a computer with a couple of terabytes worth of space.”

Much later on I would remember this as the first time I thought I broke Twilight. She went wide-eyed and her jaw looked like it might hit the floor. She just fell back sat there on her… haunches (I believed this was the correct term) staring into space. I decided to try and poke her back into consciousness. I slowly reached over and poked her in her side and she fell over like a frozen statue, weird wobbling stone on wood floor sound effect included somehow. I started to worry that I may have just shocked a pony to death, as did everyone else in the room.

“Twi, are you alright there?”

“Twilight are you having one of your egghead comas again?”

“Ha! She looks just like Gummy does when he’s having fun!”

“Oh my, Twilight are you okay?”

“Twilight darling, could you please snap out of it and please tell us less technologically inclined what a… “terabyte” is?” Apparently the word “terabyte” was what brought her back to which I swear to some...something, she moved faster than Rainbow Dash, and was completely in my face. It kinda scared me for the speed she showed off right there.

“TERABYTES!? Your computers have TERABYTES!? Do you know how much work ponies could do with TERABYTES!? THAT’S SIMPLY AMAZING!!”

“Yeah yeah, I know what you’re saying, now let’s just calm down and back up a bit.” It took Twilight a second to realize that while she was screaming at me that she also had moved very very close to me, we were face to face with the tip of her snout super close to touching my nose. It took her another second to realize that it seemed awkward and she backed off very quickly.

“Oh I’m sorry, it’s just that, I never thought I would hear about technology that far ahead. Oh and sorry girls, a terabyte as it is called, when compared to my computer would be about ninety billion kilobytes, so you may be able to see why I was so excited.”

I saw mixed reactions from at least four of the girls; Rarity and Pinkie seemed to get it but Applejack and Rainbow Dash were a completely different story. The next thing I noticed was that I didn’t know where Fluttershy was, but then I felt a nudge in my side

“Um, excuse me, Dan?” Fluttershy had apparently walked up right next to me without or anyone else noticing. I guess being meek has some perks.

“Girls SHHHH, Fluttershy has a question.”

All eyes then focused on the yellow Pegasus as she asked me the question I had hoped I wouldn’t have to answer this soon.

“Well, Mr. Dan… I was wondering what exactly do humans… eat?” Well...Fluttershy did not waste any time in getting straight to one of the questions that made my heart rate jump.

“Well, humans are mostly omnivores, with others capable of going vegetarian and vegan. I answered and silence rang still over the library. I saw some side glances between everyone, a raised eyebrow or two. And then I thought some clarification might help. “And yes I do eat meat. But mostly I’ll eat anything in general if it’s put in front of me, especially if it’s free.” The little joke I tacked onto the end seemed to work as I got a couple of chuckles and a few giggles

“Have you ever eaten a pony?” But it was just not enough to deter Fluttershy who then really went for the throat with her next question. I could tell she wasn’t asking about humans or anything, just me, sitting there surrounded by small colorful ponies.

“No, I don’t, haven’t, and nor have I ever sought out to.”

“Oh, okay then.” And just like that, she was satisfied. Though not exactly the words I expected to hear.

“That’s it? No giant talk about morals or anything?” I asked not knowing why I felt compelled to push the point further.

“Well Dan, we do have animals such as bears that eat other things like fish, not to mention the dangerous animals in the Everfree Forest. And if we didn’t mention it there are nations filled with creatures like griffins who do eat meat and such. We know its probably something instilled in your life from a young age and goes back to early ages of your race and culture so it’s fine as long as you do not try to eat a pony, okay?” I wanna go on record as to say that this is the Equestrian World Record for both hearing words from Fluttershy in a single sitting and her speaking words in a single setting. I froze, it now being my turn to be broken, and Rainbow Dash didn’t hesitate to joke about it.

“Hey Twilight look, first you broke him after he fell out of the tree; and now Flutters here broke him, HA! Equestria 2, Earth 1.”

“Dan, do you realize that being in a society of vegetarians you probably won’t have access to meat?” Twilight brought up a reasonable point.

I snapped out of my stupor long enough to answer “Hmm? Oh yeah, but like I said, I’m not entirely picky, I can eat almost anything put in front of me.

“What about an all dessert diet? Pinkie volunteered.

“Oh, I could totally do that...up until the point where it would affect my health and shorten my lifespan considerably. I told Pinkie who didn’t even so much as flinch at my kinda macabre words and hear a couple of “tell me about it,”s that sounded like they came from Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie looked like she might ask another question but before she could, there was a sudden knock at the door.

“Hmm, I wonder who that could be?” Twilight said

“Don’t worry Twilight, I’ll get it.” I volunteered, moving Pinkie off my lap and getting up to the door not thinking about how someone would react to seeing me at the door. But I didn’t get a lot of time to consider the ramifications of that because as soon as I reached the door I heard something very loud. And then I felt it.

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE, ARE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS OKAY WITHIN YOUR HOUSE AND WHAT ABOUT THE BEING YOU SUMMONED TODAY!!!” a truly loud voice spoke and the shock wave from the intense volume and air pressure that came with it blew the door open and straight towards me. Where it proceeded to hit me in the face and send me flying off my feet, back a few feet into the room, over the couch, and onto my back again for what I would later tally would be the third time today… If there ever was a day where karma decided to look heavily upon me, today would be the day. Now, this next part I wasn’t exactly “there” for but I was told what happened by Pinkie Pie. So after the shouting had ceased and I had been batted across the room, Twilight got up from the floor after everyone had dived to avoid well...me. She quickly rushed out her front door and found Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Cadence, Spike, and also a small contingent of armed and at the ready royal guards, at least twenty ponies. She didn’t, however, see her brother.

“Twily!!!” This is why she barely any time to react before she was picked up by her brother and given a big hug while also moving her towards the princesses and guards. She was still very confused.

“Shiny! What are all of you doing here!?” Twilight had asked.

“Well, we got your letter that you sent telling us about how you managed to summon something from who knows when and where, and we thought it might be incredibly dangerous so we all rushed over here to see if you needed possible rescuing,” Shining stated calmly after he put Twilight down.

“But why? I never said he was dangerous and I’ve helped save the world at least three times with my friends, so I liked to think I can handle myself.” Twilight asked, and started to form an argument but stopped when a larger shadow fell over her.

“That may be true Twilight,” Princess Celestia spoke this time, “Those things may be all true my Twilight. But in your success of completing the summoning spell, the rules have now changed slightly. Consider this...an immigration matter,”

“But my friends and I have been talking with him, mostly since he got here and he seems really nice so far. Also, we were in the middle of a back and forth information exchange, and everything was progressing smoothly” Twilight said, and besides the princesses, Cadence, Shining, and Spike, every guard knew that a “back and forth information exchange” was just a smart Twilight Sparkle way of saying that she had just started asking him a legitimate ton of questions. Legitimate, since the amount of paper she could use writing answers and other questions had at other times been found to weigh an actual ton.

Shining, Brotherly instincts after that and he got defensive after hearing that, and in a slightly angry tone, he said “Oh, so he’s inside the house? What is he doing now?”

“Ummm…”

“Well?”

“He’s loopy!” a shout caused the outside group to turn back to the library to find Rainbow Dash sitting in the library doorway.

“What?” many of the guards gave each other side glances and small smiles as their charges commanders simultaneously asked the same question with varying inflection.

“Yeah, when Luna went and got all super loud and blew the door in and clocked him hard enough to send him flying through the air a good-” Rainbow paused to look back into the library. “Six feet. Went straight over the couch. Pretty sure the door hit the front of his head while the floor hit the back so… I’d say possible concussion” Rainbow finished with a shrug and multiple gazes went to Princess Luna who managed to find an interesting spot on the ground to look at.

“Ah yes, I am sorry about that Twilight Sparkle. I was just anxious and concerned for you and The Elements safety.” Luna apologized but still didn’t make eye contact with anyone.

“It’s not a problem Princess. But please, maybe a little warning next time,” Twilight said and was when that Cadence joined the conversation and turned out to be the voice of reason.

“Twilight, do you think we could come in and see this “Dan” for ourselves? Without the guards, weapons, and threat of using said weapons against him?” she said throwing a glance to Shining Armor. Who dropped his defensive posture slightly.

“Oh sure Cadence, in fact, we should really go and check if he’s actually hurt or not. That’s the third time he has hit his head today.” Twilight agreed with Cadence and quickly lead her, Shining, Spike, Celestia, and Luna into the library So all together three alicorns, two unicorns, and one dragon walked into the library and saw the rest of Twilight’s friends gathered around the back of the couch where over top my leg dangled limply. This is also where I slowly started coming to.

“Girls, is Dan alright?” I heard Twilight ask, albeit everything sounded like the sound was coming through syrup.

Rainbow gave her opinion. “Eh, I think he’s just being a baby. I’ve had landings harder than that.”

Rarity chided her poor thinking, “Yes Rainbow, but do you think that Dan is made out of the same stuff you are?”

“Yeah yeah yeah I get it, but I still think he should be taking it better.”

“Hey, you try getting hit in the face multiple times in a short period and being fine.” I snapped at no one in particular, not taking take into account that anyone in the room might have had that happen to them. But then again, I may have had a concussion so diminished thinking was probably going to happen regardless.

I heard someone clear their throat and managed to sit up enough to find The Princess Celestia looking at me with what I could guess was a mixture of surprise, defensiveness, worry, and regal professionalism “Ahem, are you the being called ‘Dan’?”

“Yes, that’s me?” I answered as the spot and swirls finally went away and my equilibrium came back.

“My name is Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and my sister, Princess Luna, and I have come here to ascertain knowledge about you and your intentions,” she said

“Oh, you have? Then please tell me that the whole blowing the door open with a sonic boom and throwing me across the room like a kid’s toy was the prelude to a medical test?” Ok, I may not have been back to full Equilibrium since my first reaction to the Princesse’s words were to be a good bit snarkier than I most likely would have to any royalty, not just the pony kind. The ponies in the room stopped. The first words that I had spoken to their princess had been a joke; maybe they thought this could go badly for me. Luckily enough for me, Princess Celestia started to chuckle and then broke out into full laughter. Twilight thinking something was off immediately tried to calm the situation.

“Oh, I’m sorry Princess, he didn’t mean it! I’m sure Dan could do very better for his first impression with you! He will definitely take that joke ba-” Twilight started to apologize, zipping to my side and ready to come to my defense, but was stopped by Celestia raising her hoof as she slowly stopped laughing. After wiping a tear from her eye she looked to Twilight and spoke.

“Twilight, it’s quite alright, what Dan here has shown that he has more of a way with words and that his character looks to be more forgiving. It’s a very good first step.” Celestia looked at me and gave a smile smiling nod. I after finally sitting upright, nodded back.

“See Twilight, it’s not all that bad. Jokes are a way to clear the air, you just need to slow down sometimes and look on the bright side of life.” I quipped as and put a hand on Twilight’s head and ruffled her mane a bit. His hand was promptly smacked away by Shining who still looked a bit peeved at Dan.

“Hey, watch whose sister you’re touching pal!”

“Oops sorry, didn’t mean to offend, right Twilight?” Dan kept smiling a soft warm smile like he hadn’t just been smacked in some way… again. Twilight turned her head away quickly for some reason that I didn’t couldn’t figure out. But years later Cadence told me that caught everything and a small idea had immediately popped into the back of her head, and it would stay there ‘til she decided to bring it up, it had still made her deviously happy though.

Princess Luna was the next to address Dan, “So, Dan is it? Are you able to stand?”

“Oh yeah, just give me a second please.” I didn’t take a long time to get up and when I did I confirmed something that I had been thought about. I was taller than Princess Celestia by a couple of inches, the tip of her horn looking like it would be right between my eyebrows from where I was standing and that was as close as I was going to get. “Hey! Tallest guy in the room! Just please don’t poke my eye out with that thing.” I joked and got Celestia to chuckle a bit.

“I’ll try not to. But as for the matter at hand Dan, we would like it if you came to the palace for some questions, would that be okay?” She asked as she motioned to the door. I looked at the princess, and then the other princess, then at the other other princess, then at all the other ponies, and in the back of my head I thought to myself, “What’s the worst that could happen in a happy colorful pony world?” Looking back on it all...this was a dumb thought.

“Sure, I don’t see why not? I guess I did skip the customs and TSA parts of my trip here,” I joked and started to laugh but stopped when I found nothing but blank stares looking back at me. Even Pinkie wasn’t laughing. “Oh...right, references that don’t track. How about we forget about that and pretend I stopped talking after agreeing,”

“Good. Twilight you and your friends will come as well.” Celestia said as she walked out the door with myself and others automatically beginning to fall in behind her.

“Sure thing Princess,” Twilight said as I got to the door and that was when I felt like I forgot something really important. That feeling was interrupted by the sense of something meeting directly with the center of my forehead, painfully. I’m guessing that everyone reacted to this a bit differently when I yelped in pain and doubled over with my head in my hands. All I knew for sure was that Rainbow was the first to say something.

“AWWW! I MISSED IT! I knew he was gonna hit his head eventually and the one time I look away he goes and does it! Ponyfeathers.” if my eyes were open and didn’t currently have tears in the way I would have rolled them so hard.

But from my hunched-over position, I managed to say “Yeah, one person’s pain in another pony’s punch line.” and let out a laugh that only hurt a little bit. “So Princess Celestia, could you please tell me where this palace of yours is located?" I asked as I straightened out and rubbed the pain away, I already knew the answer, but I still had to play along

She turned and pointed with her nose and even on a pony as tall as she was it was still adorable, yet regal “The city of Canterlot.”

For whatever reason, I felt my Monty Python senses rising. And so I pressed, “Canterlot?”

“Canterlot.” She replied nodding.

And then in a low gravelly mocking voice, I quietly spoke “It’s only a model.”

“Hm? What was that Dan?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I said through my giggling, “Just having some fun at my own expense… Shall we be off, then?” I deflected or at least hoped I was.

“Yes, I think this will be an eventful day,” she responded as we checked that everyone was accounted for. Once we were all on chariots, which for me just seemed to appear out of nowhere we set off into the sky for the royal palace.

Author's Note:

an going back over these has been an absolute trip! man I was so fresh back then, just writing for the hell of it...without knowing...ok probably a good deal of the basics. but I like to think I've got a decent handle on about 10% of it now...that sound about right?

Comments

[KvAT]

Well, he seems calm for someone that is teleported into another world entirely

[deram]

It makes zero sense for dan, having been an hour or so in this world as an alien to offer to get the door while in a stranger's house.

[Luckyfanisaac]

“Twilight, are you almost done? You’re taking forever!” I heard Rainbow call out and snap Twilight out of her little automated process.(——

I honestly didn’t know if I could lie to them. Curse their pony cuteness!

Rarity gave more of a mission statement than an answer but I didn’t want to say anything about that.(——

“Well down in my lab I managed to get one of the better models on the market on the market,

“Well, humans are mostly omnivores, with others capable of going vegetarian and vegan.“(——

entirely picky, I can eat almost anything put in front of me.”(——

“What about an all dessert diet?”(—— Pinkie volunteered.

“Oh, I could totally do that...up until the point where it would affect my health and shorten my lifespan considerably.“(——

not taking take into account that anyone in the room might have had that happen to them.

sister, Princess Luna, and I have come here to ascertain knowledge about you and your intentions,” she said.(——

I,(—— after finally sitting upright, nodded back.

“See Twilight, it’s not all that bad. Jokes are a way to clear the air, you just need to slow down sometimes and look on the bright side of life.” I quipped as I put a hand on Twilight’s head and ruffled her mane a bit.

I already knew the answer, but I still had to play along.(——

I’m not bothering with the authors notes because there are simply too many.