Don't ever do this. I see a lot of "writers" on this site use 's in the place of an s, when 's is only used when referring to posession as in "tony's car" or in cases like it's to shorten select words (it's= it is, there's= there is and so on)
thanks for catching that! I was expecting a couple of errors to leak through between both mine and my friends' edits!
Would you mind pointing out where exactly in the chapter the error was? According to my word document (using the find function) i never even wrote the word demon.
>>19800801980080 It WAS in the description but apparently you fixed it.
yeah, it took me a while, but i found it. thanks for catching it. Typed the description up in a couple minutes and posted without proofreading cause i had to leave for an event out here.
I like this story. I like how it written. Usually, when people trying to make story with 'evil' protagonist, it's turns to shit. But, your story, it seems, dealing with that quite good. Only one issue bother me. They must swearing more fuckin often, for Celestia's manure sake! Even I swear more fuckin often, and I do not some fuckin raider. Also you need to call things by it's fuckin names. If it rape, call it fucking rape. If it's dick, call it fuckin dick. More expression damn it. It's wasteland. It's mature story.
You have found the balance between good \ bad. But could not find a balance between pure \ dirty. Raider should rejoice injure of others, rejoice exploding heads. Enjoy a feeling of superiority over the enemy.
Lack of sexual themes as such, in Evergreen's head, looks weird. I understand that it is always perceived convergence with other ponies vulnerability, and most likely she is a virgin. (By the way, if you do become a saying that no, it would look forced afterthinking). But there is a big difference between a reluctance to deal with such issues, and showing her as a nun.
Keep it up.
Hmm.. I'll keep that in mind. My personal preference while writing is to keep most of that kind of thing implied (it's how I've done almost everything I've worked on up to this point, and I'm in the process of editing two novels I've finished), but you definitely have a point. I'll see if can get some more expression into it as I go, but it will be a work in progress since I'm not too used to it.
Either way, I really appreciate the feedback. My entire inspiration for the story was the character, so almost all of my effort has been to making her stay believable (which is part of the reason why chapter three has been taking so long) . if there's anything you notice farther on down the line, feel free to yell at me. Any and all help is worth it!
>>20532602053260 nun with a gun
i really like it too and i have to agree with regolit on the whole blood & guts & boobs & butts (its fun to say) but other than that, Great job!
Because all the others have been rude and forgotten to say it, welcome to the Fo:E herd
It looks pretty good so far. Keep up the good work!
Awesome chapter comrade!
Good grammar through and through and the whole story just fits together perfectly. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Fic about raider? Those are rarity nowadays.... Raider who wants redemption? Wow.
...raider who didn't forgot his raider-past and actually has balls? (even if she's mare)
I hope Crosswire gets the spotlight soon, but it doesn't matter that much.
I feel conflict with the Enclave in the future
honestly, I haven't really thought about giving him a spotlight in the recent future, but this has given me quite a few ideas. I may act an a few of them.
also, now that i think about it (I probably shouldn't be posting this, but oh well, hints build tension), there is still one major character to be introduced. He will probs show up in the next couple of chapters, tho I can guarantee he won't be in 5. Might introduce him in 6.
This story contains more moral than any another FoE story, it seems. Awesome chapter! And story very needs Cover Art!
Yeah, I'm going fairly heavy on the morals, because that is literally the driving force behind Evergreen's development (note: I barely even know how she's going to react half the time. Part of my writing style). And I really wish I could get some cover art, but you do not want to see my attempts at art work. Trust me, I'm just going to stick to words. If any of you know any good artists who'd be interested in making a cover pic, (preferably free, college is expensive) let me know please!
a raider trying to redeme herself this is a very interesting story, I love the mystery you enshrouded over a few of the aspects like why did that warding crystal effect Ever so much and not Cross; there is one possibility I can think of but I won't say incase of spoilers, all i can say is that it would be a nice twist. an other mystery would be how Autumn knew that Ever would pass through that town and had time to set up a snipers nest like she knew in advance where Ever would be?
i heard this song and could help but picture everfree singing it
That... was absolutely wonderful... I can hear her singing that as well
Sorry for the delay on chapter 5 everyone!!! One of my editors is lagging on getting it back to me, so even though it is basically done at this point, I want to see his feedback before I post it. I'm hoping that by the end of the weekend it will be up. I've asked him to get his review to me by tomorrow evening, so with luck, that will happen.
“Luna rape me with a fucking cow-prod!” Finally! She swore! Awesome!
Good chapter. Old good feral ghoul's genocide, what can be better?
Also, It should use more adjectives. To looks more like female mind.
Also, you need to write more details. Enviroment, facial expression, body language.
And Crosswire is simply absolutely incredibly useful. From the beginning of story, he saving Ever's life, taking beating, accepting all her initiatives, proving himself as very reliable and strong stallion. Still, I don't see Ever really understand it. She acting like he is sub.
if they had enough firepower they could probably clear out the stable and set their comunity up there
loved the action with graymane, definately put his ego down a notch.
Love it. Kinda sappy but hey, redemption. Good to see non-branded full-armour Dashite, always wanted to read about one. Ever finally came to her senses and took leadership, that's nice. You can be bad-ass and redeem your sins at the same time, Ever, remember!
With the new guy, Steel Curtain, they have a new barricade with mini-guns attached to it to hide behind. Although his name does remind me a bit about the "iron curtain", intentional? I know this is about Evergreen's redemption against her raider past and all, but I always have a good time reading about the non-pony obstacles in the wasteland (Manticores, wolves of all kinds, hellbats, etc.)
P.S. some reference to Deathclaws would get an uncharacteristically unmanly squee from me.
I am planning on getting some non-pony obstacles in there. The main reason there haven't been is because the way I view the major landscape, where most of the settlements are, is as a blasted wasteland, but the mountains and forests surrounding it are all chalk-full of dangerous stuff.
Also, for the Steel Curtain reference, I was more going for pro sports references (Seahawk, and it's set in ponified Seattle). Steel Curtain is actually a reference to the Pittsburgh Steelers (my home when I'm not at school). It also fits what he does with his guns xD
>>24251512425151 A Steelers reference huh? I was hoping you were going for a "he is a hardass" type thing. And the only reason I know about the Seattle Seahawks is because my aunt lives there.
Well, he is a hardass xD But yeah, I've got quite a few sports references sprinkled throughout, since my family and I tend to follow most pittsburgh sports rather closely. But honestly, just wait till I get chapter 7 out. Steel Curtain starts doing some badass things, and I've got big plans for what's happening down the line. And when I finally get into why he abandoned the Enclave... let's just say he is a very fun character in my mind.
>>24255392425539 Yes well about the sports... Go San Diego Chargers!!!
Can't wait to see where you take the story.
Nice chapter and I love the story over all. But please do not give ever an addiction. I have read far to many foe fics where the protagonist gets addicted and I am incredibly tired of it.
I see a big improvement in the story. Characters begins to swearing a lot, and everything becomes more natural. Good.
I like how story going. SC new in wasteland, he didn't know yet how much wasteland mares love wings. Even if your characters not have libido at all.
------“Fuck me with a barbed-wire baseball bat!”
Well, okay, she is not nun.
Good chapter. And, you know, story needs cover art.
Your story didn't get as much attention as it deserves! WHY
I wish I knew why it hasn't been gaining a lot of attention, I've been trying to get the name out there, posting to different sites about updates, and even made a wiki page. Oh well, I'll probably try a little harder once I get further into the meat of the story.
I've got a friend working on cover art, but him being an engineering student at my school (like me) means he doesn't get a lot of time to draw. This is also something I'm trying to fix, but no one wants to see something that I drew. It never ends well...
Maybe it's update rate? Though I rather prefer few, but really BIG chapters, it makes your story appear in "updated" less.
I'll try to tell my friends about your story. Maybe it'll help.
Thanks, I appreciate it! And I know what you mean about it appearing in updated less, but it works a lot better for me telling the story in bigger chunks as I have been.
I know, I prefer big updates too, just telling you about consequences. Don't know how one can help story get more views thought. You added your story to 'stories' on http://fallout-equestria.com/ ? On EqD?
well i guess it is probably obvious now but it seems like crosswire might have rolled with the brotherhood of steel at one point, which are basically just raiders with higher tech equipment who will just take your high tech equipment if you don't just hand it over
Hmmm... well... I'd be lying if I said this didn't give me a very interesting idea.... Now to see how to work on it....
>>25078842507884 For some reason, I expect Crosswire to be Brotherhood, and an epic battle between the Dashites and the towns against Seahawk and the Enclave.
Sorry for the massive delay everyone! Unfortunately, I can't say that I got a lot of work done during it, as the issue was that my comp died. I took a break from writing for finals, then when I got home for the summer to start up again, found out I needed a new system board. Luckily, that repair has been made and the writing has resumed!
lol I knew that was a foreshadow when evergreen made the sarcastic comment about hugging a manticore, now crosswire can sarcastically mention that this is her chance
Great chapter! Completion of the old business are good news. "You boss" dialogue just like in original FoE. Good.
Tagging you in this response, cause you've been the one nagging me on this, also just wanted to generally share, I FINALLY HAVE COVER ART!!!! WOOT!
Alright it looks good keep it up.