Out in the Equestrian wasteland, it is very rare that you will come across a pony who isn't a bandit, slaver, or generally one that won't kill you on the spot.
But when you do find somepony that is good, you make sure you stick with them.
Even if they do have some evil, hidden away, you stick with them.
Because in the end, all we have left, is each other.
Important Note: I realise that most FOE stories have chapters that range from 4000+ words. I will most likely doing less than that (around the 2000-3000 mark) mainly because I cannot force myself to keep going on a chapter of that length. So if you are expecting long chapters, I do sincerely apologise.
Chapters (2)
love ittt
Hello! I'd recommend adding this story to the Fallout: Equestria group, the Fallout: Equestria Related Fics group, and maybe Fallout: Equestria World if you want some more views. I almost didn't see this.
A good start. However I feel your writing style needs some work (which is the entire point of a fic, to practice). So far it tells the story, but needs to show the story. You spend time describing what happens from moment to moment when the reader should follow it as it moves along.
For example:
"Reaching the house, he put a jump in his final step before reaching the house, as a force to break down the door, as he naturally assumed it would be locked in some way."
This feels a little backwards and thus distracts us from the action. Turning it around would give us a flow from the characters thoughts, to the decision, and finally to the action.
"Fortunately for him, it merely swung open, unfortunately for him, he had put an excessive amount of speed and energy into this jump, and as a result went tumbling through the room that lay ahead of the door. Eventually he came to an abrupt stop, which was caused by him hitting a wall."
You already mentioned him putting on more speed and strength. Instead of reminding us, this sentence should reveal the consequences of his actions. The Fortunately/Unfortunately is actually quite a distraction from revealing the actions. Also, wouldn't the impact be something unfortunate because the door pops open and sends him into a tumble?
"Grunting, Solitude pulled himself up, and began to observe his surroundings.
The place hadn’t been ransacked, which was actually very surprising in Solitudes eyes, nowadays; places like this were almost non-existent."
Again, this sounds a little awkward. If he's in as much danger as we are to believe, he wouldn't stand around observing his surroundings. He'd look around real quick, his survivors instincts taking in all the important details. Speaking of details, this would be a good time to showcase your scene-setting skills. He can see the inside. What's lighting it? It's not ransacked. Does this mean it's clean, or simply tidy? The brain works faster than the eye, so while Solitude is in a hurry, his mind will process the visual information, giving you a moment to describe the room. You might even be able to insert a few of his stray thoughts on the situation, which would give us an idea of his attitude before he even speaks to another character.
I did a quick rewrite to give you an example of what I mean:
"Assuming the door would be locked, he put on a burst of speed and leapt up the stairs on the front porch. His shoulder collided heavily with the door which, to his immense surprise, was unlocked. Momentum carried him forward as the door sprang open and sent him tumbling into the room beyond. He came to a stop as he hit the far wall in a clattering jumble of hooves and legs.
‘No time to be laying around,’ he thought.
Grunting, Solitude pulled himself up, and quickly took in his surroundings. The light of the moon filtered in through grimy windows, revealing a living room that, while very run down, was not as barren as he had thought it might be."
My final bit would be that his reveal at the end is a bit too heavy on the exposition. He should be nonchalant about it; "I never said they were raiders, ma'am." This takes both Bright Rose and the readers by surprise and makes them wonder what's actually going on before revealing the truth. Have a moment of silence before Bright Rose asks the question the readers want to hear. Show the shock on her face while Solitude calmly sheathes his daggers. Then reveal the fact that he's actually a thief.
Keep working and I think you might just have a hit on your hands here. Good luck.
-Sparkus
P.S. Solitude (from this quick introduction) seems to be the polite and cultured kind of villain. For a good example, check out John Henry Hunter over at the comic 'The Next Town Over.' In this recent comic he's snuck aboard a moving train, but the conductor is a suspicious fellow, see how Hunter deals with the situation.
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Thanks for that. Will have another look over it and edit some bits.
good so far
Thanks for adding your story to the Fallout Equestria Group! I hope it helps your story get more views!
Like for a like?
off to a good start