The story of Chrysalis, starting with her upbringing by the land's rulers and onwards. Her fall, her attack, and perhaps a few stories unknown to most.
Well, I say continue it, 'twas good.
A very good beginning. The narrator has a well-crafted personality, and I especially liked her thoughts about how she relates to the two princesses. I am interested in fan-created backstories and additions to the show's established mythology. Your writing/grammar is excellent.
You might consider adding a few scenes with some dialogue between the characters. It will slow down the narrative and give the readers an opportunity to feel like they are watching some of these moments unfold before their eyes instead of hearing the narrator tell them about them. Also, Luna's shadows might need a bit more explanation. (Without overdoing it, which might cost them their mystique.)
I liked several of your ideas in particular: Luna's shadows, the ponies that live and die without ever finding their cutie marks (and what might be a criticism of the whole Cutie Mark system?), and the personality you give the young Chrysalis.
[I wish you well with your Equestria Daily submission. And if, in preparation for that, you would like even more feedback on your story, you might consider joining and participating in this group. It's a fun place.]
Keep writing, my friend.
(Joke) Alt. Title: Chrysalad
I rather enjoyed that. More please?
At Kolwynia: Quite honestly, dialogue sounds much too difficult to me. it requires a fair amount of punctuation sort of skills, not to mention it might need a pretty thorough understanding of the character speaking. Not to mention smooth integration with everything else.... suffice to say, I havent had actual dialogue in a while. oooh my.
nonetheless, thanks all for reading and taking time and whatnot. have a good life guys.
It was a month later that Celestia told me in her most excited whisper to come to the Canterlot Gardens an hour before sunset.
You forgot some comas
It was a month later that Celestia told me(,[here]) in her most excited whisper(,[and here. Without the comas the sentence flows together and sounds kind of awkward]) to come to the Canterlot Gardens an hour before sunset.
>>19526741952674 thanks. i think i fixed that. if you dont mind pointing out other oopses you happen to notice, that could be nice. have a grand life.
I really like your take on Chrysalis, but I have a question: how are her minions not far behind since she barely just left the cocoon?
>>20584382058438 shhh. keep watching, so to speak. and feel free to point out all the issues.
Interesting start, and intriguing take on Luna. I'm really excited for any chapters to follow, because I think it's now when the real fun begins.
I've got but one issue: "I saw this particular pegasi in a field of turnips, and noticed he was blank." Since this isn't plural, it should be "pegasus".
Apart from that, great!
I like the idea you gave about some ponies never getting their cutie mark, and how you made Chrysalis look as a filly, completely gray. I look forward to more chapters of this, Horsestorian and, I'm such an egghead!
Still enjoying story! Please more soon!
Facinating and incredibly original take on Celestia, Luna and Chrysalis, I am eager to see more.
Cue sappy music
I have only read half the first chapter because I'm being rushed, but this is great so far!
I hope you don't mind that I also have a story on Chrysalis's past, I'm not going to ask you to take this down, but I just wanted to let you know.
>>21436872143687 bahaha whats the story? it could be worth stealing (dont worry, i have a decent idea of where this is going)
Can't say this kept my attention. There are some interesting things here, but the writing is too meandering. It might be that you are setting up things for later, but, so far, there is a distinct lack of focus.
>>25826352582635 still going to use it? um. how do you mean? i can put stories on here. i can read stories (which judge as you will, and perhaps as odd as this may be, i dont think ive read that many fanfics, and even fewer cover to cover). so odds are neither of those will happen so much (though its possible ill stumble on/read another story on here someday.) unless there are other ways of using this that i dont know of and would interest me. care to enlighten? forgive me if commenty rants are irritating. thanks.
>>25837672583767 Don't worry. It only becomes dangerous when hasbro decide to care. Keep on writing. there is too many of us to litigate. Also when you start writing other fiction, PM (private message) me because I would love to read your work!
Just click on the mail icon to do that.
>>25837672583767 I think all fanfictions lightly breach copyright, but the terms of copyright defined by companies are way stricter than they'd likely care to enforce. By that, I mean, even if a large company said their intellectual property couldn't be used for any purposes whatsoever, if you managed to ask the boss/lagel team of that company in person, they'd probably be okay with it. It's more of a deterrance really.
I can't remember the source, but I read that the average person breaches copyright law about 20 times a day. Even humming a tune to a song you like can constitute as "unauthorised reproduction of copyright material", but obviously no-one would do anything about that.
please post what remains even if it is just a summery. this story has such a unique view on all the characters and i would love to see how it ends.
To those who read those other things I said earlier... Well. I don't mean to lead people on in an obnoxious manner, and i apologize if i do, but consider this a maybe i'll finish someday. Which is perhaps a bit more likely than a no. Also POSSIBLE MINOR SEASON 4 SPOILERS AHEAD I should maybe finish this before season 4 happens and new canon wrecks this to shreds. Anywho, crack it up to time constraints and will power, and maybe a few other things, and if this doesn't make much sense, well, it might be because it happens at the same time as previous events of the story (that i posted long ago) and recollection of those events might help make sense of this. Anyhow, its past 2:30 AM here, and maybe I can edit this more later or something. To those of you who have been patient/encouraging, thank you.
I can't believe I didn't see this. Good job. I am amazed at how well everything fit together and flowed, without the use of dialogue. I really enjoyed this chapter.