I'm a 19-year-old brony from a backwater welfare nation known as Finland. I study history at Oulu University.
Captain. Comrade. Valiant fighter, trusty friend.
They are just names, and those get taken away when our final moments arrive. Big Macintosh is ready to meet his fate in the Keep of Narcolt, far from home, surrounded by a terrible blizzard and hordes of hostile gryphons.
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Hi Prolet, I'll be reviewing your story for Author's Helping Author's today.
Name: Unto the Great Everafter
Grammar Score: 8 out of 10.
Pro:
Good idea of a story
Good use of synopsis to get readers interested
Interesting to see Big Mac in a new setting
Cons:
Tell over Show in some parts
POV needs work
Why is the war happening?
Notes:
As I said above tell is an issue. There's a bit more of it at the beginning of the story. Below are some examples:
I think you could do more with something along the lines of:
"Deep red streaks marked her side, lifeblood slowly draining from her."
Show him trying to save her. Does he use bandages? a scalpel? Does she keep bleeding?
Just a minor grammar issue here:
replace "would have to be" with needed.
I think the biggest issue is being in Big Mac's head though, you make it so the narrative is him talking the whole time. Big Mac is not a pony of many words so I think a third person perspective would do much better in a story like this. Keep Big Mac silent in the present scenes to contrast with the emotions he has in the flashbacks, it goes well with the cold battlefield he's on and his warmer memories. I'd go so far as to have him be silent in all story until the end, where he finally says a final few words for his family.
However, the other thing that struck me hard was why this fight was going on. What had the griffons done? What threat did they pose to Equestria. Maybe have an additional flashback of Mac hear, or better, experiencing a griffon attack. There needs to be something solid there that pushes him to fight and protect his family.
I don't have any stories on the site as I prefer google docs since it allows reviewer to highlight specific issues. If you're willing to review here's a link to I don't feel the same Thank you and happy writing.
1954691
"Gramar Score: 8 out of 10."
"Gramar Score:"
"Gramar."
You've got to be joking.
1954691
Thank you for the review!
You are in right to say that I sometimes tell more than show, and that's something I need to work on. Also the choice of character was perhaps not the best for a story like this, but personally I feel that in reality a lot is going on in Mac's head. Thus, using his perspective was in my opinion a better choice than 3rd person
My opinion is that 1st person thinking is not 'talking' or anything like that, though. The only persons Mac actually talks to are AB and Ditzy in his flashbacks, along with a "nope" to Carrot Top.
It's also correct that I probably should have given Mac a bit more incentive to volunteer, but I thought that the sense of duty to protect his family was enough. As for the reasons of the war, they were left out on purpose because it wasn't the point of this fic. It doesn't matter why it happened, only that it is happening - quoting Fallout, "the details are trivial and pointless."
Looks like I caused some confusion with this. He doesn't try to save her, because he knows his medical skills are bad and her wounds grievous, and thus trying to make the difference would be futile.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name: Unto the Great Everafter
Grammar Score: 8 out of 10.
Pros:
- I really liked the way most of his dialogue is in his head and just talks when he must.
- The way the story is narrated, from present to past is very well done.
- The story is simply wonderful, a very good premise done right.
Cons:
- Some characters express themselves in ways that feel un natural, expressing themselves in a way too complex manner for just simple dialogue.
- The very few grammatical errors are, in my opinion, very noticable, and took me out of the story. like:
the word "picnic" by itself is always a noun, and you seem to be using it as a verb.
)
- Maybe this would be impossible to achieve, but I would have loved his conversation with Ditzy to have a lot less dialogue from him, and more the feeling that Ditzy is used to his way of speaking, and can understand him with him saying just one or two words. (Just something I would have loved to see in the story, but nothing big hehe..
Notes:
This is truly a very interesting and in a way, beautiful story, and Big Mac fanfics are very rare, so the two of them combined make this story something very special.
I also liked that the war is the main point of the story yet everything behind it is very vague, because i think that is the reality for most soldiers.
So in short, great story, truly unique!!
And, thanks for your review of Myth it was incredibly helpful, and I will be doing some changes based on the input I have been given, in case you are interested to stop by and have a look.
1968788
Thanks, I have now corrected the errors you mentioned. I don't think I could have made this story good with a less talkative Mac, so it was more a bad character choice than anything.
I'd say it was a fine character choice, considering you were presenting it from a male perspective. The quietest people in the world still have thoughts; even if you spent the entire day alone and never spoke how much would you think about? Plenty.
I'm glad you kept the fight scenes somewhat vague, trying to explain every action and detail can turn something that's supposed to be heart pounding and high stakes into a crawling morass. Although I was expecting some kind of twist at the end, like the mare he was "in love" with was actually Celestia, just like every mare and stallion who'd volunteered and been subjected to her speech/spell of loyalty. That's just me though, I never tire of the dictator Celestia.
I liked it, fun little read.
This review was brought to you by the Authors Helping Authors group.
Name: Unto the Great Everafter
Grammar Score: 8/10
Pros:
-War fic
-Unexpected ship. (If I were to pair Big Mac with any pony, I'd usually sway with Fluttershy.)
-Descriptive, simple and clear.
Cons:
-Why the hell are they fighting? What could have happened that they required a reserve force on top of the standing army?
-Rifles. I still don't understand ponies pulling a trigger. (Personal issue since they don't have fingers. unless it's Pinkie Pie. She can do whatever she wants.)
-I didn't feel it as much as I wanted to. I liked the subtle simplicity of it, don't get me wrong, but I didn't feel engulfed and swallowed by his emotions. The biggest feeling I got was weary. Just tired and ready. (Which isn't an inaccurate depiction and I applaud you for that.)
Notes:
I left most of them in the above sections I think. Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by the ship and I appreciate the concise clear imagery. I wish a little more went into development of his relationship, but I understand considering the reveals near the end. Other than that, great job! Also if you ever scroll though the popular story, I often see yours near mine which I always find interesting and cool at the same time.