Chapter 1 (Princesses Don't Drink)
Princesses Don't Potty
Chapter 1
By CDRW
"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"
Rainbow Dash pounded her hooves on the table, punctuating each shout with a bang while she cheered Luna on. Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and even a thoroughly uncomfortable Twilight looked on in amazement while Princess Luna downed an entire five-gallon cask of hard cider in less than a minute.
Celestia tried her best to pretend that Luna wasn't there, choosing to daintily nurse her mug of non-alcoholic cider instead of saying anything. The stuff tasted better anyway.
Luna wiped the foam from her mouth with a foreleg, loosed a belch that rattled all the windows in Applejack’s home, and smashed the cask on the floor shouting, "'TIS GOOD! BRING US ANOTHER!"
All the onlooking ponies dropped their jaws in unison. Even Celestia coughed into her mug before she set it down and said, "Don't you think you've had enough, Luna?"
"Yeah, you already showed me up. You won the bet," Rainbow Dash chimed in, digging into the saddlebags on the bench next to her. She pulled out ten bits and promptly hoofed them over to the dark princess. "Totally worth the bits too."
"NONSENSE!" Luna swayed slightly as she stood up and put her hooves on the table. "WHEN THOU PROPOSED THAT WAGER, THOU INSINUATED THAT WE COULD NOT HOLD OUR LIQUOR, AND WE AIM TO SHOW THEE THE—THE TRUE EXTENT OF THINE ERROR! THOU HAST NOT EVEN BEGUN TO WITNESS OUR DRINKING PROWESS!" She hiccupped, blinked, and then, after a moment's hesitation, belted out "FORSOOTH!"
Celestia very nearly facehoofed right in front of her little ponies, but she checked herself just in time. Instead, the Princess caught Twilight's eye and mouthed "I'm so sorry about this." Her apology didn't seem to do any good, though. Instead of calming Twilight down, it only seemed to make her already uncomfortable student that much more agitated.
"I'm awful sorry, Your Highness," Applejack said to Luna. "But that was all the hard cider we had anyway."
Luna blinked once. "The cider is gone?"
"I'm afraid so, Princess."
"Why is the cider gone?"
Even Celestia's masterful self-control was not enough to stop a sigh from slipping out. As soon as Luna proposed coming to sample the cider, Celestia had known that it wouldn't turn out well. Luna had plied her with a rather convincing speech about finally getting Twilight and her friends to loosen up a little around them though, and before she knew it, she'd found herself making an unannounced visit to Sweet Apple Acres at the tail end of cider season.
"Dear Sister, language isn't the only thing that's changed in the last thousand years. Nopony approves of boozing it up these days. That cask was probably all the alcohol in Ponyville. Regardless, you have had enough, and I think we should leave before we make my student and her friends any more uncomfortable."
"What? Nopony approves? Nopony approves? Nopony approves? WHAT IN THE UNEXPLORED DEPTHS OF TARTARUS'SUSUSUS OCEANS CONVINCED ALL THE PONIES IN EQUESTRIA TO TURN INTO TEETOTALERS?"
Everypony’s eyes turned to Celestia for her answer, wanting to know where this was going.
"I'm afraid that was me, Luna. It's a rather unhealthy hobby."
The eyes of all the ponies in the room swung back to Luna as her jaw dropped in astonishment.
"You?"
Celestia simply nodded her affirmation.
"You... you just decided that everypony should give up the best invention since fire? And they went along with it?"
“It took considerably more effort than what you make it sound like, but yes. It is amazing what you can accomplish with a thousand years of concerted effort.”
“But they listened to you? The pony who wagered the fate of all of Equestria on a drinking contest with Ti—"
"LUNARIUS DIANE FAUSTINA IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE YOU WILL BE DINING ON MOONDUST FOR THE NEXT TEN THOUSAND YEARS!"
Before she even realized she’d moved, Celestia found herself standing with her front hooves on the table right across from Luna, her chest heaving up and down. She looked around apprehensively to see how the other ponies were taking her outburst. When she noticed that Fluttershy was hiding under the table and Twilight had fallen off the bench, she sat back down and buried her face in her mug as a raging heat bloomed in her face.
“Ah, still a touchy subject we see,” Luna commented. “Though we do not understand why! 'TWAS A GLORIOUS VICTORY!”
Celestia murmured into her mug low enough that she hoped nopony else could hear. “Straight to the moon, Luna. I swear, straight to the moon.”
“Fear not, dear sister of mine! We will not embarrass thee any further with tales of thy former glory, for thou art boring! And ugly! We would much rather talk about other ponies who aren’t! Like Fluttershy!”
A muffled “eep” leaked out from under the table.
“THERE IS NO NEED TO HIDE FROM US FAIR FLUTTERSHY, FOR WE HAVE NOTHING BUT ADMIRATION FOR THEE! THOU ART KIND! AND HAVE EXCELLENT CHILDBEARING HIPS!”
Luna put the back of her hoof to her forehead and swooned.
“ALAS! IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE. WE REMEMBER THE LAWS, FOR WE WROTE THEM OURSELF! VERILY, VERILY, I SAY UNTO THEE, WHOSOEVER LIETH DOWN WITH ANOTHER MARE AS SHE WOULD A STALLION SHALL BE... Shall be... Uhh... SHALL BE GELDED!”
Luna’s horn glowed, and a flailing Fluttershy floated out from under the table and into her crushing embrace.
“Fear not, fair Fluttershy,” she whispered as softly as the Royal Canterlot Voice would allow. “We will not let them geld you! YOU HEAR THAT, SISTER? WE WILL NOT LET YOU GELD ONE HAIR ON HER HEAD!”
That was enough. Celestia stood up.
Luna jumped in surprise at the sudden movement, dropping the now comatose Fluttershy.
With a barely contained snarl, Celestia declared, “We are leaving, Luna. Now!” Then she grabbed Luna’s ear with her magic and started dragging her to the door.
“FAREWELL, MY LITTLE PONIES! WE ARE OFF TO CANTERLOT WHERE A MOST SPLENDID LAVATORY AWAITS US AND WHICH WE MOST HAPPILY ANTICIPATE VISITING, FOR WE MUST SOON TAKE A ROYAL WHIZZ OR ELSE PERISH!”
“SHUT UP, LUNA! AND DON’T USE THE ROYAL WE WHEN YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!”
The last the assembled ponies saw of the princesses that night was Luna waving at them right before the door slammed shut behind her.
The last thing they heard was Luna’s voice, not in the least muffled by the door.
“HA HA! IT MATTERETH NOT HOW HARD THOU SLAPPEST OUR FACE! FOR WE ARE DRUNK AND CANNOT FEEL PAIN!"
***
The deep recesses of Twilight’s mind were not in good shape. In fact, if anypony could have seen what was going on, they probably would have gone running to find an exorcist post-haste. Or an engineer.
Her friends were doing something, and they were doing it loudly, but she couldn’t spare one iota of her brainpower to comprehend how they were reacting to what they had just seen. She was too busy trying to keep the various parts of her psyche from crumbling to dust while she pondered what she’d just seen: Princess Celestia losing her cool.
And Princess Luna drunk as a skunk, but that emotional trauma could wait a bit while she dealt with the more important stuff.
Princess Celestia was embarrassed by her sister!
It was a revolutionary thought, a thought that should not have been thought by the mind of a mere mortal like Twilight Sparkle. The fact that that thought did not instantly drive her insane would have been considered proof of a higher, benevolent power by many ponies had they known.
The very foundation of Twilight’s world had just shifted. If Princess Celestia could be embarrassed about her sister like any other pony, what else did that mean? Did she hate getting up in the mornings? Or worry about her weight? Did she ever have to look up words in the dictionary?
Rusted gears started to turn. Ancient mechanisms that had long lay dormant began to stir. Twilight was already on the edge; the stress of these new movements nearly tore her mind apart and the fact that she held it together was a miracle in and of itself. That is why what happened next was Rainbow Dash’s fault.
“A royal whizz!”
The first words to pierce Twilight’s veil of thoughts were accompanied by the uncontrolled laughter of a certain cerulean pony.
“Can you believe it? Princess Luna was right here, in this very room, making puns about using the bathroom!”
No.
The thought was not an answer to Rainbow Dash’s question, but rather, an order to herself. She was on the verge of having a thought. A thought to end all thoughts. A thought that, once thunk, could never be un-thought. She could not think that thought, no matter what. It was her duty, as a bearer of the Element of Magic, as a student, as a pony.
“Canterlot is a long way away. You think she’s gonna make it in time?” Pinkie Pie asked.
Every fiber of her being cried out in protest, trying to arrest the thought before it could manifest. She knew. She knew that if she tried really hard, she could forget what had happened there tonight, but if that thought manifested she could never turn back. Down that path lay madness.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Celestia excuse herself to use the bathroom.
A sound, not unlike a sheet of glass as large as the world itself cracking and crumbling into quadrillions of shards tore through her mind as the deepest, darkest gear in her psyche turned a hair’s breadth.
Twilight Sparkle screamed.
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Wut.
CDRW wat r u doin
EDIT: Just finished it, and oh god this is looking to be hilarious. Your Drunk!Luna might be just about the best thing ever, and the premise is ridiculous enough to be funny while still remaining vague enough to keep me hooked. Please continue.
nice.
Hey Luna word of advice for you, whatever you do don't whiz on the electric fence.
Or do you want to end up like this guy?
Any pony know a good funeral planner? I just died of laughter.
Congratulations Luna, you've successfully scared me from away from alcohol.
Also, Pinkie and Luna have the same middle name?
THE DRINKING HAS BEEN DOUBLED.
Oh yes. Oh fucking yes. This. Is. Awesome.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzy67tdgWM1ro8x3mo1_500.gif
Absolutely amazing.
So... I don't get it... What are the implications here?
We require more drunk Luna forthwith!
Yes! Geld Futashy!
...
...
Wait...
...
...
Shit.
Hehehe... that was pretty damn good.
Fluttershy's childbearing hips you say?
Was the drinking contest against Tirac, by any chance?
Incomplete.. So theres moar???
So funny. I sense lunashy... 
(Joke) Alt. Title: The Chronicles Of Celestia: The Student, The Drunk And The Bathroom
And, I haven't read this and I don't know about anybody else, but this is how I like my bathroom humour:
madcoversite.com/madss102id.jpg
I imagine she just teleports it directly to the sun... :)
PS - one gelds males but spays females, no? (I imagine that along with binge drinking, savage homophobic laws have also fallen by the wayside in the last millenium, but one can never tell with crackfics. Or maybe Luna was just messing with Fluttershy).
Well, that happened. Also, why is it that Luna is always the one engaging in nonsexual debauchery?
Oh god. ALL THE REFERENCES!
The part where Twi puts the pieces together reminds me of "To Reason is Treason" for some reason...
Don't worry fluttershy, I've been called that too.
Two sheets to the wind Luna: long may she drunkenly reign!
Twilight's passages were a bit overwrought, even for the fic this is, but Luna and Celestia were amazing. You have my attention.
...I have no idea what I just read...
...I will have to read the next chapter to figure that out...
...please bring it soon...
I positively MISS this Luna.
The soft-spoken, in-your-dreams-Luna makes me a tad sad.
But YOU. YOU brought back her glory~!! And it twas wonderful.
This story had excellent humour. I envy and adore you... oh so much.
Thank ye.
Twilight, I understand that you've spent a lot of time with Celestia, but have you ever considered that she simply never needed to go when you were with her?
This... This is humor in its finest.
Okay, I'm going to have to stop reading forever because this was way too AMAZING.
Drunk Luna, is most indoubtatlty best Luna.
"...FOR WE ARE DRUNK, AND CANNOT FEEL PAIN!"
I died laughing here. Granted, it was very painful laughing, since my throat is trying to kill me with pain. I for one, dear Luna, am not drunk and therefore can feel pain.
This brought tears to my eyes. Drunk Luna is reallyreallyreally hilarious.
I really hope that this is incomplete.
This pleases every twitch of my humor. Sadly, my humor has twitched enough to wiggle free and I have to go secure it before the next chapter arises.
Drunk Luna is best pony.
This is hilarious.
I think "Lunaria Diane Faust" would be better. If only because Lunarius is a masculine name.
So Luna has to take a Royal Wee . . . and Twilight starts screaming as she contemplates the implications of alicorn micturition.
And, for the record: I so want to see the drinking contest between Celestia and Tirek, please.
"The cider is gone?"
"I'm afraid so, Princess."
"Why is the cider gone?"
We now need a "I've Got A Jar Of Dirt" reference and my life will be complete.
Or even better:
"Remember this as the day you almost caught Princess Luna Faustina!" followed shortly by Luna running away from Celestia.
Nothing says fun more than seeing a goddess get completely shit-faced.
Nothing.
I think I pretty much lost my shit entirely when Luna praised Fluttershy for her chid-bearing hips...
1950870
Who?
2112485 Google, do you use it?
Loloololoolololololol........ Nice reference to Captain jack...... That made this story 20% funnier
“HA HA! IT MATTERETH NOT HOW HARD THOU SLAPPEST OUR FACE! FOR WE ARE DRUNK AND CANNOT FEEL PAIN!"
This... is... just ....beautiful!
2113419 I loved that part!
Hah, of course Luna would be a Diane.
Okay, I got it figured out now:
Sober Luna can, with just a bit of concentration, talk like a normal pony. When she's on duty, this is what she's doing. Drunk Luna, however, regresses to her childhood accent (like many people who flatten their accent in public) and cannot control THE VOLUME OF HER VOICE. Therefore, 1) drunk Rarity talks normal (like Sweetie Belle) 2) Luna was depressed on Nightmare Night and hit a bottle before heading out. HEADCANON FIXED!
Where is your goddess now sparkle? Where is your goddess now?
Luna is already best pony but drunk Luna.....is best anything and everything
*bing* Headcanon updated.