Princesses Don't Potty
Chapter 2
By CDRW
The first thing Twilight realized when she regained consciousness was that Discord was the original God of Equestria, the omnipotent being who created everything that was, is, and will be. The proof was in very nature of the universe itself. A more malevolent being would have created a hellish wasteland filled to the brim with suffering, while a benevolent one would have ensured that when she woke up, it would be sans any memory of last night.
Twilight's brain, in a desperate effort to spare what was left of her crumbling sanity, immediately purged itself of the first realization and its disturbing theological implications in order to deal with the much more important issue of the second—that she remembered last night with perfect clarity. Since her brain (and the Universe) hadn't done the responsible thing and repressed the memory while she slept, she had to figure out some other way to deal with it.
Thinking was inevitable. Twilight thought, therefore she was, and Twilight was, therefore she thought. All she could do was try to channel it in the right direction. The right direction being straight into a wall, or barring that, off a cliff. Thus was the careful reasoning behind her first thought of the day.
Of course I haven't seen Celestia excuse herself to use the restroom. What kind of princess announces to the world that she needs to potty?
As first thoughts went, it wasn't bad. Not bad at all. It solved her dilemma admirably. It implicitly answered the question at the core of the issue, satisfying both reason and curiosity without delving too deep into the subject matter. She would have preferred something that completely invalidated the idea that Celestia ever used the bathroom as a first thought, but she would take what she could get.
In short, everything was good. Her sanity was battered but intact, and she could move on to other important matters, like discovering a fundamental particle of friendship in order to complete her Unified Model of Magic.
Twilight slowly opened her eyes, and that was when she made her third discovery, that she had been sleeping in her own bed at the library. It was a slightly perplexing discovery because she didn't remember ever going home, but one that she embraced happily because it lent credence to the new and wonderful theory that last night was all just a particularly vivid nightmare.
***
The first thing Princess Luna realized when she regained consciousness was that Discord was the original God of Equestria, the omnipotent being who created everything that was, is, and will be. The proof was in very nature of ponykind itself. No one else had the sense of humor it took to invent the hangover.
The second thing she realized was that her sister was standing over her bed, watching her sleep.
Luna groaned. As realizations go, that was a very unsettling one to have while in the throes of alcohol-induced agony. If there was one thing she had learned over the millennia, it was that whenever Celestia watched you sleep, Bad Things happened when you woke up. Those Bad Things often involved the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“Good morning, Luna,” Celestia said in a voice oozing with malice. “I believe you have a letter to write.”
Pretending to still be unconscious was not an option, so Luna did the next best thing. She emptied the contents of her stomach all over Celestia's hooves.
The resulting shriek was eardrum-shredding, skin-peeling, brain-pulping music to her ears.
Ha ha! The headache has been doubled!
***
Twilight threw back the covers and hopped out of bed, humming cheerfully as she set about her morning routine. Since it was all just a dream, she was freed from the need to worry about what happened. She showered, brushed her mane, and went downstairs to see what Spike had prepared for breakfast, and the entire time, not a single stray thought about the micturition habits of alicorns crossed her mind.
Twilight walked downstairs, and as she approached the kitchen, she heard several voices coming from the the other side of the door, including one that sounded suspiciously like Rainbow Dash asking when the food was going to be done. As she came closer, the rest of the voices resolved into those of her friends chatting overtop the sound of clattering of kitchenware.
"If you're so anxious to get your vittles, maybe you could stand to give the rest of us a helpin' hoof!" Applejack's voice snapped.
"Nah, you've got things covered. I'd just get in the way, right, Rarity?"
"Pinkie! You don't put frosting on pancakes!"
"See? Rarity agrees."
Twilight eased the door open with a bit of trepidation, and she was rewarded for her efforts with a roomful of silent staring ponies.
Applejack was standing over the stove with a spatula in her mouth and an unflipped pancake on the end. Rainbow Dash hovered near the ceiling in the center of the room, and Rarity and Pinkie Pie stood next to a plate that was heaped with a towering pile of flapjacks, the former levitating a butter knife covered in frosting that she had evidently just taken away from Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy was pouring orange juice into a row of glasses on the counter, the second to last one overflowing. Spike sat alone at the table, munching on a bowl of gems and milk.
"Good morning, everypony!" Twilight greeted them cheerfully as she eyed the stack of pancakes. "Those look good. Is there a special occasion?"
Rarity was the first to recover her composure. Tossing the butter knife into the sink with a dirty look at Pinkie, she said, "Good... morning, Twilight. No, there's no special occasion. We just felt like it would be good to have breakfast ready for you when you woke up." She simultaneously guided Twilight over to a seat at the table and floated the plate of pancakes down in front of her. Then she took the now empty pitcher from Fluttershy and grabbed a dish towel with her magic to try and wipe up the puddle of orange juice on the counter. "How are you feeling by the way?"
"Oh, I'm great!" Twilight said as she dug her fork into the pancake. "I slept wonderfully, and it sure is a beautiful morning outside. The weather team looks like they went all out today!"
"Nah, we're just that good," Rainbow Dash said as she swooped down low to take a seat next to Twilight. The blue pegasus stole a pancake off her plate and started munching on it, speaking around a mouthful of food as she went on. "You sure you're alright though?"
Twilight cocked a quizzical eyebrow at her friend. "Of course I am. why wouldn't I be?"
"Oh, it's just that you seemed a little upset last night," Fluttershy said quietly as she on Twilight's other side.
"Last night?"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "You know, last night, when you went AAAAAAAAH and then fainted. That's usually Rarity's thing and it seemed kinda weird when you did it so we carried you home—well actually Big Macintosh carried you home because you're heavier than you look—and we decided to have a slumber party at your place and make you breakfast when you woke up so that you wouldn't go crazy and cast a spell that makes everypony in town love boiled spinach."
Twilight took a moment to swallow a bite of pancake and think before replying. "Hmmm... I don't remember that."
Applejack's disbelieving voice broke into her good mood. "Uhh, you don't remember the princesses stoppin' by our cider tasting, and Princess Luna gettin' so hammered that Celestia had to go an—"
"NO!" Twilight leveled her fork at her friend. "That was all a dream! It didn't happen! Princess Luna never drank any hard cider, and Princess Celestia didn't get embarrassed about her, and Princess Luna didn't make any drunken toilet puns, and I never, ever, ever thought about how I haven't ever seen Celestia excuse herself to use the bathroom and that doesn't matter anyway because PRINCESSES DON'T POTTY!"
The only sounds that broke the dead silence in the room were those of Spike belching a long plume of fire and the soft plop of a rolled up scroll as it fell to the table.
Oh god, this is just getting better and better. Please continue.
Also:
You use this line twice.
2055247 Dang it! How did I not catch that! Thanks.
Uh... ya got some dubbs in here,
"Unfortunately, when somepony is watching you sleep with the intensity that Celestia did, they know exactly when you wake up. “Good morning Luna,” she said in a voice that oozed malice and unpleasant things to come. "I believe you have a letter to write."
Unfortunately, when somepony is watching you sleep with the intensity that Celestia did, they know exactly when you wake up. Pretending to still be unconscious was not an option, so Luna did the next best thing. She emptied the contents of her stomach all over Celestia's hooves.
Pretending to still be unconscious was not an option, so Luna did the next best thing. She emptied the contents of her stomach all over Celestia's hooves."
Was that intentional?
2055278 Thanks. I've got it taken care of now.
2055247 Ya work fast!
Sorry for repeating what he already said, I was washed away in the torrent of comments!
I'm scared for this. I'm scared for this version of, or this event in said version of, Equestria. What with a psychotic, in denial, crazy unicorn with all of the magical prowess of the Celestial Sisters or pretty damn near close to it, and the fact that Princess Luna has to write a letter to Twilight while in the middle of a hangover... There's not going to be a pretty sight to be had...
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Needless to say... I. LOVE. THIS. FANFIC. THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST COMEDIC FANFICS PERIOD. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRINCESSES DON'T POTTY! *Guess the movie reference and get a cookie. *
I like.
Ha ha! The headache has been doubled!
That is where I actually stopped breathing for a moment.
Thank Celestia I needed to read on, and started breathing again.
Poor Twilight.
This story never fails to be awesome!
Can't stop laughing!
I think if this story ends without a reference to this book http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everyone_Poops I will be rather disappointed.
I mean... It's a Book. That seems like exactly the type of thing you would need to get Twilight out of her mental death spiral.
It also seems like something Fluttershy would have.
Now just imagine Fluttershy calmly sitting Twilight down amongst her friends and reading an equestrian version of that book to her.
2057914 Oh. Oh dear. That's a really good idea.
Oh this just keeps getting better
This is hilarious. You keep inserting puns here and there, which are completely delightful by the way, and even though I was wary about reading this one it turned out to be well worth it. (Even with my parents giving me the evil eye for bursting out laughing while I was reading chapter 1).
So here I am, just waiting for chapter 3....You wouldn't happen to be employed by Valve, would you?
Oh boy this can't be good.
I don't see why Twilight is in such a bind about this. She has seen, with her own eyes, Celestia eating and drinking. So it stands to reason she'd probably need to use the bathroom at one point or another.
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HaHa! The story's funniness has been Doubled.
2055247
Luna has a really bad hangover.
Never thought twilight would have such an existential crisis over something so...so...ah who am I kidding? This fits her like a sock.
This fic could take a hillarious turn when Twilight becomes Twilycorn. Think about it.
2114470 NO! *points fork at you* Twilight never becomes an Alicorn!
A couple of things:
I burst out laughing at this point. Thank you.
You would use latter in this case.
Otherwise... Yeah. Fave!
Shameless title insert is shameless....... And somehow much more hilarious than it was just minutes before!
This is awesome!
1.bp.blogspot.com/-ne8C1IPvvfs/UMsIgYl75aI/AAAAAAAABHE/BXzoaTYzY34/s1600/47509+-+computer+denied+hardware_abuse+no+punch+twilight_sparkle.jpg
I think this applies.
2118407 NEVER BUCKING EVER!
oh this is great
Why does canon Twilight have to so damned neurotic? WHY?
Still, this fic is awesome. Luna is kickass pony.
2300787
Yes. Yes it does apply.
Hey Twilight, do you have the grant to make the LMC? (Large Magicton Colider)
Very well placed sir I commend your use of puns! ...........Bwahahahahaha!
2699755
Aw.....
I thought LMC stood for Larry the Musical Cheetah..........
Luna vomiting on Celestia?!?! This is the best comedy fic EVER!!!
Rares, ya know I love you, right? But you're so very, very wrong. (See 1:15). What do you think maple syrup is?
Every dang paragraph I'm laughing! Slow down!!!
love the discord moments.....they put some relatability and reality in the story.
Poor Twilight! Just when she was on the verge of convincing herself that it never happened! Ah, it's better this way anyway. Self-deceit never did anypony any good.
In any case, I don't think that missive from either Celly or Lulu bodes any good for the Mane Six getting any useful work done today. It looks like Ol' Sunbutt has decided to fix the damage to her mystique by having the girls jump through hoops for a while (possibly literally, depending on what ancient cthonic horror has squirmed its way out today).
Meanwhile, something tells me that Luna will be begging for the Moon after Celestia is finished with her.
"Frosting doesn't go on pancakes!" I beg to differ!
Oh my the Princesses in this. I already liked and favorited for chapter one, how to express my extra love, I need more kudos button thingies.
Hangover Luna is number two princess
Ouch
FORSOOTH! THE HEADACHE HATH BEEN DOUBLED!
This one quits
Quits what?
Life it quits life
4585948 second only behind the drunken luna of this fic
, poor Twilight. But yes, Discord did create the universe and everything in it. Including lolcats, and the comment sections on the internet. And booze, the most magical of inventions.
I'm Glad I don't drink ! ( Except Coffee , tea , or Ginger-ale
Twilight , I potty you potty , everypony goes to potty so why not the Princesses ? I'm sure they go potty too ?