Chapter 8 (Restroom)
Princesses Don't Potty
Chapter 8
By CDRW
Pinkie Pie returned from Zecora's hut way too quickly for Rainbow Dash's taste. Of course, if her taste had anything to do with the matter, Pinkie Pie would just spontaneously marry Zecora and live happily ever after with her in the Everfree Forest, never to return with anything that even remotely resembled herbs.
Still, even though she came back a lot sooner than Dash hoped, it was also a lot later than she expected, several hours later in fact. The instant the library’s front door opened, she pounced on her pink friend like a verbal gerbil. "Holy crap, Pinkie! What took you so long? We were expecting... you... Umm."
Dash tilted her head in confusion as she tried to figure out just what,exactly, she was looking at.
Pinkie Pie wasn't bouncing, like, at all. She was just standing there with her ears drooping, tail sucked up tight between her legs, and the sort of thousand yard stare only ever found on severely concussed zombies.
Dash shot a glance at Twilight—who didn’t seem to have any idea what was going on either—before she shrugged, threw a leg over Pinkie’s shoulder, and guided her to her seat at the card table.
"So what's up, Pinkie?" she asked as her friend plopped her plot. When that didn't get a reaction, she waved her hoof in front of Pinkie's face and shouted, "Yo! Earth to Pinkie!"
"Wah!!" Pinkie jumped so hard that Rainbow Dash could have sworn she'd seen the skin along her spine start to split. She finally looked at Dash and answered with her lips stretched back into an expression that was probably supposed to look like a smile. "Hi, Dashie. I got those tea leaves from Zecora for you, just like you asked."
"Uh, Pinkie," Twilight spoke up, sporting a very worried expression. "I'm the one who asked you to get the herbs."
"Oh, I guess you did." Pinkie Pie took off her saddlebag and dumped a pile of leaves right onto the table, never once breaking eye contact with eternity. "Here you go."
Dash exchanged another glance with Twilight, looking for some help figuring out what was wrong with Pinkie. It was no use though, so Dash went with the direct approach—getting all up in Pinkie’s grill. "All right, Pinkie. What's going on? You're acting weird...er than normal. Spill the beans."
"Oh, um..." All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie blushed hard enough she could have easily been confused with a sunburned Big Macintosh from a distance. "There was Poison Joke behind the tree, and, uh, I didn't notice until it was too late. Did you know that Zecora is a really good friend by the way? I'll bet she's the Element of Rhyming. Or Potions. Her birthday is next week and I think I'm going to throw her an extra special one. There'll be streamers, and cake, and lots and lots of presents, and not one single drop of punch. I'm going to get her a bathtub. She needs a new one now anyway."
"Okay then..." Rainbow Dash said, relieved to know there probably wasn't actually anything wrong with Pinkie, and suddenly sure that she didn't want to hear any details about her adventure in the Everfree Forest.
Unfortunately for her, that meant there was only one thing left to talk about. Dash turned her eyes toward the pile of leaves sitting ominously in the middle of the table. "So, Twilight. How are you going to get princess Celestia to drink this stuff anyway? Call me crazy, but isn't this sort of thing exactly the reason why she has loads and loads of guards in the first place?"
"Wait, what?" Twilight started. "What about Pinkie’s..." She trailed off when she saw Rainbow Dash frantically shaking her head.
Twilight paused for a second as she tried to shift mental gears gears on the fly. "Uh, well, normally yes. The guards watch for that kind of thing." She scratched the back of her neck self-consciously. "But since I'm Princess Celestia's personal student, I have some liberties not available to other ponies. I can't remember the last time they searched my bags so it won't be any trouble sneaking the herbs into the palace. Actually getting them into her tea could be a bit of an issue though."
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I can't just sneak it into her evening meal or something like that. Her food is all made in the kitchens and that place is always incredibly busy. It's just not possible to sneak around. Plus, there's the royal food tasters. The only way around them would be to sneak the herbs into her afternoon tea. She likes to take that in her room and the guards and servants aren't normally allowed in there. I think that maybe she doesn't like them around to see..."
Ten thousand unspeakable thoughts stirred in the deepest, dampest depths of Rainbow Dash's hindbrain…
Twilight blushed and continued. "Well, she always makes the tea herself."
...before muttering something about five more minutes and pulling the blankets back up over their blobby, misshapen heads.
"I've offered to do it for her a few times, but she always says she'd rather do it herself. I don't know how I'd actually slip these herbs into it."
"Jeeze, Twilight." Dash groaned, before her ears perked straight up as she realized something. "Wait, this is perfect!"
"What?" Twilight asked, shooting her a confused look. "That makes it harder, how is it perfect?"
Rainbow Dash got up from her chair and started pacing back and forth in front of the chalkboard for a few seconds before she whirled around, facing the two mares seated at the card table. As she began speaking, her voice took on a stern lecturing tone that she would have been horrified to learn she'd subconsciously picked up from hanging around Twilight.
"You're right that it makes things a lot harder, but this is about as good as it's going to get if you don't want to get caught. Assuming that Princess Celestia doesn't ever need to use the bathroom, then the tea won't do anything. But if she does, she just might get suspicious. What if she starts thinking that her sudden attack of the squirts isn't natural?"
At this, Pinkie Pie, who was finally starting to recover from her trauma broke in. "Uh, Dash? I don't think that's the right word. 'The squirts' is..." She trailed off when she noticed that Twilight was watching her eagerly.
Rainbow Dash shot a quick glare at Pinkie and quickly moved on before Twilight could ask any questions. "If you're in the room, Twilight, then you'd obviously be the first pony she suspects. But what if, as soon as she thinks it, she realizes that she made the tea? She'll just think she's being paranoid. All you have to do is make her stop thinking about it before she takes a really good look at the idea. After that, she'll be too distracted looking for the toilet."
"Okay," Twilight said slowly as she leaned back in her chair and stared into the distance. "I haven't made it a point to study psychology yet, but that sounds plausible. The quicker you interrupt a thought, the more likely they are to forget it. Like that time Big Macintosh ran off with my doll and I forgot about all about it until just now because I thought Princess Celestia was going to send me back to magic kindergarten."
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a silent look with each other.
"And just for the record, it's perfectly alright for stallions to play with dolls, and his taste in children’s toys has no bearing on which gender of pony he prefers to kiss."
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a much, much longer silent look with each other.
"Sure, Twilight," Dash said slowly. "So anyway, while it's definitely harder to get the stuff into the tea, it's better all around." She paused for a second to rub her chin before pacing back and forth again. "Hmm. The problem is, tea leaves are just so obvious, and you have to slip them in before Celestia even starts making it.” Suddenly, a flash of inspiration went off so brightly it was almost actually visible. “Hey, Twilight. Do you think you could use your science stuff to take the pee-stuff out of the leaves? Like, make it a powder or something?"
Twilight perked up at that. "That's an excellent idea, Dash! Not only would it be easier to slip into the Princess's tea, but it would also handily solve the dosage problems inherent in using leaves.” She frowned. “The problem is that I don't know exactly which chemical induces micturition, so I can't just separate it from... And doing a thorough chemical analysis as well as drug testing would take too long..." She groaned and slumped back into her seat. "No, I can't. Not without months or even years of work."
"Dang. That would have made it so much easier. Thanks, Pinkie," Dash said as she sat despondently back down in her chair and took the cup of tea that Pinkie Pie was holding out to her.
Pinkie Pie patted her on the back and said. "Don't worry, Dashie. Twilight can totally do it if she doesn't worry about separating the gunk from the junk. She could just make the tea really really really strong—even stronger than this stuff—and pour a drop of it into princess Celestia's cup while she's not looking.
Dash grimaced as the tea’s flavor washed across her tongue. "Wow, Pinkie. You weren't kidding when you said this stuff was strong. It tastes kind of funny too. What kind of tea..." She trailed off as her eyes fell on the spot of table where the pile of leaves were no longer sitting.
Her face turned alternately pale, then red, then back to pale again before she blurted out, "Wellit'sbeenfunTwilightbye!" and crashed through the front door on the way out.
"Wow," Pinkie exclaimed. "Only six point seven seconds for one pile of leaves. Were you taking notes, Twilight?" She looked around, momentarily confused when she didn't hear an answer from Twilight. The room was completely empty. "Twilight?" It was almost ten seconds before she noticed the empty teacup on the table in front of Twilight's seat.
“Oh.” Pinkie Pie picked up her own cup of tea and took a sip. “Wow, Dashie was right, this stuff does taste funny.”
***
Princess Celestia nearly sighed in gratitude when the clock struck ten while the last of the petitioners made his way towards the large double doors at the far end of the throne room. The only thing that held her back were the several dozen nobles and press ponies who seemed to think that her throne room was some sort of lounge. They were the worst of their respective lots, too, the ones who thought that not having anything more important to do with their day proved how important they were, nobles of the trust-fund baby variety, and the paparazzi to whom they were bread and butter..
Celestia had long ago mastered the art of acting immediately without appearing rushed, so she had no difficulty cutting off the half dozen or so ponies who were approaching her throne in hopes of roping her into a last-minute audience. With a slight tilt of her head and a few well-worn, but traditional words, she let them know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t going to have any of it. "Morning court is adjourned." Smiling graciously, she gave in to the urge to take a private dig at the disappointed hangers on. "Thank you for everything you do for Equestria, my little ponies."
Without any further ado, the pretty pink princess stepped down from her throne and, flanked by guards on either side, exited the room.
With morning court out of the way, Princess Celestia actually had a moment to take care of personal matters. Sort of. That most urgent of personal matters still weighed heavily on her bladder, and the second most urgent seemed bent on sticking around for quite a long while.
Celestia's coat wouldn't stay pink for more than a month or two, but—she shuddered at the sudden realization that she may very well have to decide between periodically dying her roots pink for the rest of eternity or letting her mane and tail grow out until they were long enough to just cut all the pink off and adopt a bob haircut, a process that would take decades.
"Princess?" The guard on her right asked in a worried voice. "Is something wrong?"
Celestia came to herself with a start, only just then realizing that she'd been standing and staring off into space for the last minute. "Everything is well, Noble Obligation," she said with a gentle—always gentle—smile as she started walking down one of the servant's corridors that were oh so incredibly convenient for anypony who wanted to get from one portion of the palace to the another as quickly as possible. She didn't often use them because it upset the staff, but she didn't feel like taking the long route today. "I was lost in thought for a moment, just something I'll need to take care of in ten or twenty years. Thank you for your concern."
Noble Obligation shot an uncomfortable glance at his partner that he probably thought she didn't notice. "Oh."
She winced internally at the tone in his voice. It was difficult enough to get ponies to relax around her, and the guard was the worst of the lot in that regard because their job description specifically forbade relaxation. There was no reason to make things worse with unthinking comments. She wondered just how many more of these little slip-ups she’d make in the next few hours. It was already that kind of day.
Getting a hold of herself, Celestia forced her frustration down with a small sigh. The damage, small though it was, was already done and there was no point dwelling on it.
The princess might not have the time to deal with either of her most pressing personal matters, but she did have ten minutes before the first meeting of the day, and she wanted a snack. Fortunately, her useage of the forbidden servant's corridors took her on a route that led right past the palace kitchens. In fact, it was the third door on the right.
The aplomb, poise, and discipline of the Canterlot Palace kitchen staff was the stuff of legend. The lowest assistant had better logistics qualifications than nearly every quartermaster in her army. The newbie waiter had twenty years experience serving as the stone-faced, ever diligent butler to Prince Blueblood's infamously abrasive father and considered himself both under-qualified and incredibly fortunate to have his job. The Head Chef had doctorate degrees in the fields of Food Science, Chemistry, Biopsychology, Political Theory, and Gastroenterology, regularly published groundbreaking papers in each of his respective fields, and served as diplomat to the infamously touchy United Minotaur Tribes on the side in order to keep his inter-species relation skills honed.
None of this overabundance of competency in matters both food-related and not was accidental in the least. Not long after her altercation with Luna, Princess Celestia had grown uncomfortable with the fact that most of her senior staff and advisers had a decidedly militaristic training and outlook, and all of them were so far removed from the everyday hustle and bustle of life that she worried she risked becoming isolated from her subjects if she only considered their input. With that in mind, she'd started asking her cooks for their advice whenever she stopped in for a bite to eat, bounced ideas and proposals off the scullery-maids, and asked the little colts in charge of keeping the firewood well stocked what they thought of her foreign policy decisions. That last one had proven remarkably profitable as well. Sometimes you need a child to tell you when you’re about to do something dumb. The result of all that was that over the centuries, her kitchen staff had quietly morphed into the most competent and diversely qualified think-tank in the country.
Celestia wasn't sure how to feel about that. On the one hoof, her original goal of finding out what the average pony thought about how she ruled had been thoroughly gutted. On the other, nopony so much as bowed when she walked in and started rummaging through the pantry.
"Let's see," she muttered to herself. "I should probably avoid anything salty. That would just make things worse." Her eyes alit on a fruit basket. "Perhaps an apple, or... Aha!" With a muted cry of joy, she swooped down on a succulent and worryingly juicy pear.
Her morning munchies satisfied, Princess Celestia let her eyes wander across the kitchen staff as she took a moment to ponder what Twilight was doing, likely planning some way to slip something into her tea or some other worryingly convoluted plan like that. "Hmm, I wonder..." she trailed off as her eyes fell upon the newest addition to the kitchen staff.
At only twenty-seven years old, Gladstone was by far the youngest person the kitchens had ever employed. Some ignorant ponies, none of whom were actually part of the kitchen staff of course, attributed it to his connections as the crown prince of Griffonia. In reality, he was about as far from a useless noble as it was possible to get. With his keen mind, insight into Griffon politics, dedication to fostering goodwill between the two nations, admittedly strange hobbies, and—quite frankly freaky—sandwich skills, he was adequately qualified, if somewhat green.
Let's see what he's really worth.
The princess nonchalantly sauntered over and leaned against the counter Gladstone was using to prepare a plate of delicious looking daisy sandwich and greeted him with a smile. "Good morning, Gladstone."
The young griffon didn't so much as pause his bread slicing as he replied with an even, "Good morning, Celestia. Is there something I can do for you?"
"Yeah." She pursed her lips and raised her hoof to her chin. "I was just wondering. If you, theoretically speaking, wanted to poison me, how would you go about doing it?"
"Simple regicide? Hmm." Gladstone placed another sandwich on the plate, wiped his claws on his apron, and pulled a notebook out of one of its pockets. After flipping through it for a few seconds, he stopped and read something written on it in shorthand, then closed and put it back in his apron
"I would brainwash Twilight Sparkle, make her send you a letter asking if she could come over for tea, which you would of course accept without question because you miss having her around the palace and being able to spend time with her in a relatively non-formal setting, distract you with a friendship report delivered in person, and slip it into the tea while you read."
Princess Celestia frowned. "Is it really that simple?"
Gladstone got back to work whipping another sandwich together with astonishing speed. "Probably easier. Twilight is by far the most vulnerable hole in your security net. You should probably look at getting her into remedial anti-brainwashing courses sooner rather than later, by the way."
"I'll take that into consideration, thank you. Oh, on another note, Princess Luna complimented your grilled cheese sandwich rather highly."
A radiant grin spread across the griffon's face. "That's wonderful! I made the cheese myself you know. It's an experimental cheddar variant I started perfecting a few years ago. There's still some in the icebox if you'd like to finish off your snack."
Celestia quickly glanced at her cutie mark and then at what was left of the pear floating in her magic before tossing it into the trash. "Tempting, but I'll have to pass. Too many snacks and we'll have a red giant on our hooves. We can't have that now, can we?"
The snort Gladstone let out earned him an irate look from the head chef, and probably some very menial chores the instant Celestia left the room, but she couldn't help but laugh along, both grateful and amazed that he'd understood and seemed genuinely amused by her painfully terrible joke.
Her free time exhausted, Celestia headed for the kitchen doors but stopped when inspiration struck. "Back on the subject of Luna, I'd like you to start preparing something special for her if you could. It's a traditional griffon dish involving cassowary eggs and a little over a century buried in the ground."
"Ah yes, Nourriture que nous servons pour des imbéciles. I can have it ready for you in time for the Equestria-Griffonia treaty renewal banquet next week."
Celestia raised an eyebrow at that. "Really?"
"The fermentation time required is frequently exaggerated for the sake of guests. It’s part of the mystique."
Princess Celestia smiled.
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How have I not upthumbed this yet? Every time I read a chapter of this, it makes me smile.
I don't think you quite finished editing before posting. What's all that stuff at the bottom?
Edit: Nevermind. Apparently Fimfiction was just being glitch for some reason.
Good chapter. I love that it's so obvious that Twilight is the biggest hole in Celestia's security net.
My French is a little bit rusty, but doesn't that roughly translate to Food which we serve to the idiots?
3302892 That was some random comments from the gdoc that I uploaded from. Sorry, I've taken care of that. Hopefully there's nothing else like that still stuck in there. I think I got it all.
When your kitchen staff has notes on how to murder you ready at a moment's notice, something is either very wrong or...
No, something is definitely very wrong.
Looks like Twilight's plan might fall through. Unless she somehow finds a way to make Princess Celestia not supsect anything.
3302894
Sorta the joke.
3302894 Yes it is. I laughed my ass off.
3302952
Well he is a griffon. Plus he is following the rules from the Sniper in TF2: Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to kill everyone you meet. And he did offer a suggestion to fix the problem.
Enjoyable chapter, and as far as I'm concerned you have nothing to worry about regarding the nature of the content; it was fun and clever, and far too short.
"And just for the record, it's perfectly alright for stallions to play with dolls, and his taste in children’s toys has no bearing on which gender of pony he prefers to kiss."
A little reference to other's perception of the fandom? Probably not, but I had fun pretending that it was at least an oblique reference.
"Morning court is adjourned." Smiling graciously, she gave in to the urge to take a private dig at the disappointed hangers on. "Thank you for everything you do for Equestria, my little ponies."
That was BEAUTIFUL. I laughed so hard when I read this! Well done.
Celestia is never going to get to answer the call at the direction the story is going...
KITAAAAAAAAA!
2057914
Didn't they mention that in the first or second chapter?
A new chapter? It's madness! Pure madness! And it's still just as good as I remember!
3302952
No, that's the beauty of it. One of the easiest ways to kill you is through your food typically. So, her staff is loyal, and well-versed in the many ways an assassin might try to kill her - so they know what to watch out for.
3302952
They're her advisers. Figuring out things like how to prevent regicide is part of their job descriptions. Knowing how to do it is part of that.
Good
If Gladstone has "simple regicide" in his notes, he probably has also "advanced regicide" and "kill 'em all"...
Dear god...I was laughing the entire time I read this.
now we need twilight to start to figure out how good celestia is at picking apart her plans and then shift them to be something hard. Such as hidding the stuff in cake icing.. red cake icing but it only goes in a pattern on top of the cake so twilight can eat the cake and just not get any of the red icing. and let celestia cut her own cake. while making an exatuated play on the tea. Then when she thinks she has your numbe on the tea you drink some yourself thus giving her a wtf moment. while at the time drawing her attention away from the cake.... that you have been eating so she eats the cake... with the red icing and there you go you outsmarted tia.
Oh convoluted revenge and science experiments, how silly you are.
3303406
So, in short, the cake is a lie?
In a neighbouring universe, on a perverse world on the back of four elephants (who were in turn on the back of a giant turtle swimming through space) a single man smiled.
It was not a large smile, nor a particularly warm smile, but it was a smile filled with good humour nonetheless.
"Lord Vetinari, you appear to be smiling."
"Oh, am I? This is deeply disturbing, Drumknott."
"Shall I call your physician, sir?"
"No, no need for such measures. I just feel a great sense of empathetic pride, a kindred soul from across the abyss. It involved a noble beast, a horse of unrivalled grace and a particularly lovely grilled cheese sandwich."
"How unusually poetic of you, my lord."
"Poetic? On second thought, Drumknott, perhaps a visit to the physician is in order after all."
...Poisen joke adventure...Theres at least 3 ways that joke could obviously go and not sure if want
...goddammit, Pinkie.
WOW! Once again, another masterfully written chapter. This style, it is hard to place just which authors it subtly reminds me of, but it comes across as a most enjoyable reading experience.
Wow, probably the best way to start the day is with a good laugh!
Thank you dear sir/madam!
3303781
That sounds like more of a romantic evening.
Morning is usually a nice artillery barrage, a rousing round of marching orders, and a hint of napalm on the air if any of your
victimsfoodtoysopponents annoyed you.Skipping over Pinkie's adventure in the forest was a bit of a cop-out, don't you think?
Please tell us you'll be going back and telling that tale as a side-story.
Also, I'm not sure what to make of Twi's out-of-the-blue defense of Mac. Does Twilight have a crush on him? Is she trying to set him up with Dash or Pinkie?
Couldn't Celestia have someone dye her mane back the way it was before(or an acceptable imitation of such)? It would be better than enduring a mostly-pink mane for twenty years or so, right? Just wait for the roots to show up, and then dye the rest of the mane to match them. All it would need then is a few sporadic treatments to maintain the color until the "cutting off the affected parts" moment.
3303848 Possibly, but I don't feel so. I have to walk a fine line, because while the story is based in Toilet Humor, it doesn't have much place for Gross-Out Humor. I get around the issue by either cutting the scene away when things get gross or else structuring the narrative in such a way that it's never shown "on screen." I think it's much funnier to imply things and let your imagination deal with the rest anyway, not to mention I have to keep the content clean in order to keep the story rating and not get kicked off EQD.
I like all the comments and thoughts about Twilight Sparkle.
3303930 Hmm, this gives me the inkling of an idea. I'll have to see if it develops into something I can use.
It's been so long I actually had to reread some of the older chapters.
So, Celestia's assembled a "kitchen cabinet," eh?
"Coming off" or "appearing"
Oh my!
That sounds like quite the party. I heard it involved industrial amounts of grape jelly, some rocking horse costumes, a tuba, and two weather vanes.
Yikes!
That certainly is strong stuff; take it with a glass of cold water, and the water will still be cold coming out...
What does Zecora do with that stuff? Simulate cholera outbreaks?
I hope Nurse Redheart is well stocked up with saline drips.
Heh heh. Celestia's Kitchen Cabinet
I love little details like this that highlight a facet of having a charismatic, immortal ruler ruling the country for centuries.
Ahhh, the Nourriture ,,,,
A fine dish that. Served only to those of high and worthy eminence of course.....
Ah, Mr Gladstone Teatime I presume?
Have I mentioned how much I like this? Because I do.
But I must also damn you for making me think what Poison Joke applied to the jacksie would do to a pony. And the possible worst-case scenario:
I can't wait for the ensuing hilarity.
BUT WHAT DOES CELESTIA NEED TO LOOK UP??
Food we serve to idiots. Love it.
You know, if Celestia spoke Griffon, a language curiously similar to our French, she would know more about that egg dish than she probably wants to. It turns out that the Griffins a thousand years ago really hated the Alicorn Sisters.
Meanwhile... I'm beginning to smell Discord's paw in the curious similarity between Twilight's plan and Gladstone's off-hand thoughts on security.
Need more....... So funny.....
3307437
I, uh, maybe?
3309030
I strongly suspect she knows exactly what that means in Griffon. She is after all pranking (or is it more trolling?) her sister.
Ten thousand unspeakable thoughts stirred in the deepest, dampest depths of Rainbow Dash's hindbrain…
...before muttering something about five more minutes and pulling the blankets back up over their blobby, misshapen heads.
Fucks Given: Zero
i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p546/schosak/http___makeagifcom__media_10-06-2013_Ts5JCV.gif
I really like the kitchen staff.