My name is Wolf, yeah original name I know, and this is how a normal day of playing Pokemon with a girl I secretly love to no end can change your life forever,but with ponies to help, Really?
My first fic so constructive criticism is very appreciated and I will ads things the longer it goes
(rated teen just in case)
proofread by my friend Pale Rider,and MoldyShishkabob
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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great job man the story feels more streamline and more developed with minor errors here and there. Keep working and hard and making good chapters
Thanks man
but I forgot to ask you if you could pre read it
oh well
1961590 Is it ok if I add this story to two groups called Pokemon Club and Pokemon fics?
1964557 its ok man i dont mind
Whuuut? Hi Xinrick, nice to see you again.
All I will say is this. You're lucky I'm a Pokemon fan. I like that they're pokemon and all, and that they're in Equestria, but things just seemed to be... too easy. Random mail from Arceus? Mini-freak out understandable. Him somehow being friends with Celestia? Didn't see that coming (or I did considering the other fanfics on here) but still good. Them accepting everything seconds after it happens?
NOPE! You should at least give them some time to figure things out. I mean, if you were transformed into a pokemon and sent to Equestria, I'd imagine you'd be at least a little concerned as to what and how shit went down. Also, maybe you should describe things a bit better so readers can see where you are and what you're doing. Sorry for the mini rant, but you did say you want constructive criticism.
Don't worry about it Knightmare and I'm really glad you liked it I will get more explained the more it goes so don't worry
Edit:he said he wondered what it would be like because he thought it wouldn't happen
great start.
followin'
Thanks man
Need MORE NEED MORE LIKE COOKIE MOSTER NEEDS COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1985457 dont worry they'll be more just not as often as you would think sorry
but i am glad that you like it thats a good sign
amazing
Almost 6k words long!
I was not checking the words lenght while editing. Didn't saw that it turned out so well.
Good! Hope everyone who is reading Xinrick work enjoy the story. I really like his concept, so lets us all continue with this marvelous job!
Alot of the gramatical errors can be fixed if you get an editor. ill do it as long as i dont get paid at all and i work on it when i can. (being in grade 11 takes it out of you!)
Cheers!
2056244Wait til you're a senior.
And the Mane 6 soldiers? Yeeeah, no. Soldiers kill. Those 6 would faint at the sight of a dangerous weapon. (except for Rainbow Dash, but she'd just die from being too cocky. No offense to RD, but sometimes she's too arrogant for her own good.)
2056667 um, i AM a senior. im on my seacond last year of australian curiculum learning. its alot more complicated then you think. i baisicly HAVE to pass ALL of my subjects and then ill get a certificate say i passed and that is a big differance. every job employer looks to see if you got the QCE. it bullshit. we also have to go through a test to detumine our OP (overal position) even if we dont pick op subjects.
2056667 its supposed to mean that the mane six will handle the problem
they will use actuall solders sotty about that
2056244 ill take you up on that part man, just not sure when i can get the other chapter out
but ill get it done soon
2056955 Ks, E-mail the drafts to: caboose3010@gmail.com or caboose3010@hotmail.com (dont really check that one often tho) ill reveiw them, correct them and offer some constructive tips. agian, i DON`T *Pauses* WAN`T *pauses* PAYMENT. (i really dont, just trying to be helpful and 'funny' at the same time... ill stop now.
PRAISE THE SUN!
Cheers!
2056841Well you said 11th grade, I was confused. I'm american, and 11th grade is still a junior.
2056244 nightmare is right man 11th grade is junior not senior senior is 12th grade
2057198 thanks man i will do that when i have the time
Man, Autralias education system is fucked up the ass. seriously, Fucked.
2059666 well maybe i dont know im in america so i dont know about autralias
2059673 well, the contry is going down the drain and its the 'leader' (who dosn`t have any real power) is the one who is doing it. advice: stay away fromm AUS (puns are punny!) until we get a competent leader. chances are, we`ll start a war with New Zealand over a pavlova.
2059717 encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS3lqlAs8VCWWIb0IwF6L0lU0VC8DO-XkugQb6laCB3yK2Bsc8T
wish i could help but well im no diplomat sorry
sorry man
2059724 For some reason, i dont accually care. maybe because that picture made my day, or because of resons yet unknown.
'Shoutout to PONYVILLE!' Ray, Achivment Hunter in Equestria. chapter 7 or 8.
2059757 well your welcome man
Alroit, I checked it out (turns out I gotta do an online exam Monday before I can do the homework…
)
1. Maybe add a little more detail to each paragraph. I would say that four or five connecting lines make a solid paragraph.
2. A Blaziken working at SAA? I would think that a Pokemon controlling fire would stay away from an orchard… (Plus, "human working at SAA" is a little overused.) Maybe Wolf could work at something more or equally strenuous. (Maybe he could be a construction worker? Or you could add an OC pony's shop as a place to work)
2.5. I would think that Roxy would work at Carousel Boutique; as a specially based Psychic type, I think that it would make sense if she did more magic-oriented jobs that required less physical labor.
3. A few spelling and capitalization issues (or just things you may have forgotten):
At the end:
It looks very promising. With a little bit of tweaking to make it stand out more, we could turn around that rating.
Thanks alekusu but
1.there going to the farm to work on their powers because I don't think a dress shop would be a good place to work with potentially explosive power
2.what does SAA mean sorry but never heard of it
2.5.I'll try to be more descriptive with my work
4 no wait...3.I'll try to make my paragraphs bigger when necessary so dont worry
BTU all in all thanks for the support and thanks for the fave
2069524 At SAA (Sweet Apple Acres).
I forgot the "t".
Also, they could work at any regular field outside Ponyville to test moves. (Like when RD was practicing her flying)
If I remember correctly, Blaziken can learn Earthquake; if they don't know how to learn moves and they could learn moves accidentally, it would be best that they are far from civilization.
I was just offering suggestions to alternative jobs because "human working at SAA" is overdone.
2075002oh ok man thanks for that
also im trying to figure out a good move set or if they could have more than 4 moves because it feels like they should have more than 4 moves
im gonna kinda spoil the moves i want them to have
Wolf=Sky uppercut,fire punch, flamethrower, blast burn (now that you mention it i might as well have earthquake) and maybe a few others like thunder punch and maybe aura sphere
Roxy=confusion,psychic,thunderbolt,heal bell, ice beam, and psywave
does that sound like a good set of attacks
2075044 You could do 4+, Kang did it in Friendship is Aura (for the sake of not becoming boring.)
(Rest is in a PM)
I like it. In that cheesy parody/comedy sort of way, sorry if that wasn’t what you were going for.
I’m also ashamed to say that I’ve never played (or watched) anything to do with Pokémon. But I like stories involving them.
I didn’t notice any spelling errors (although I’m bad at that stuff), and I like the characters. In other words this is good.
2075128thanks man and im really hoping some extra ideas that im doing for the next few chapters will make it even more good
but all i have to say is play a pokemon game ok
2075143i feel sorry for you man
2075193 more good = *even better*
And I am glad to help another "new" author.
2075207 thanks man and if you want to get to read the next chapter i could send it to you if you want
(only for him sorry)
2075193 First I’ll have to get a DS
2075224well thats one way
2075224 Or a GBA. *cough emulators are available cough*
2075216 Sure! I could help with spelling and such.
However, I am going to take a test in an hour or two and won't be able to read it immediately.
When the time comes, I will
jump on it and brutally beat it with a "grammar" stickrise to the challenge and get the job done.(P.S. I picked the moves off of "serebii.net". I don't use the site anymore, but what the heck.)
2075245okay then
well i can still send it to you and you can get to it when you can get to it how's that sound
2075260 Alright.
It was a pleasure doing business with you. *places random fedora on head and sticks right hand out*
2075272 dont mention it and thanks for doing business with you *puts on my own fedora and sticks my right hand out*
2075282 *shakes*
See you then. *slips into shadows ominously*
2075296 right *nods and walks off*
see you then
I actually started it now before I am eating supper…
I'll finish it after the test.
Just a word of caution, I am borderline Grammar Nazi.
Each change/suggestion is set up like this: {insert change/suggestion here}
2075419 ok man thanks and dont worry eat and do your test
im not trying to sound like a dad but you need good grades
2075434 No kidding… I don't need an F in SOCIOLOGY of all things.
2075443 yeah that would be a good idea alekusu-san
2075446 Hai! (I haven't brushed up on my Japanese in ages…
)
2075455*bows* sorry alekusu-san didnt know if you wanted me to call you that, even though were friends and all
2075459 Actually, -san would be used with anyone on the same level (age group, social status, grade, etc.)
I don't remember what -kun and -sama are though…