If you want to go at this pace I don't mind, but after you finish this story it would be nice if you came back and slowed down this intimate senses...for SCIENCE!!
140225 That is the ONE thing I feel like I really struggle with. I am trying to slow it down in future chapters, and if I have the chance, I will definitely come back and fix it. Any suggestions you can give are more than welcome, and creative criticisms won't offend me. Thanks for the heads up.
I think Fluttershy was a little more out-going than usual. By this I mean she said things that I wouldn't normally expect to see from Fluttershy, atleast not with out some coaxing from somebody. She also said "if that's o.k. with you..." a little too much I feel. But this does make a good start and leaves many openings to continue the story just about anyway that you could imagine. Keep up the good work and I expect to see more. (hopefully soon)
That is intentional. I am a big fan of Flutterdom, and that ideal will sort of play out through the next several chapters. It gets interesting, because the submissive and dominant personalities will seem to trade off, not necessarily how you would expect. I wanted to sort of layer that in without making it seem out of place, which is why I tried to make Fluttershy seem naive, yet Celestia seem so knowledgable. Also, I have a lot more planned. (A Little hint... expect some FlutterDash soon.)
The story is going good, however there's something that has been bugging me. The characters. You made Celestia sound like a mare in heat, completely seducted and powerless against Fluttershy, that is not Princess Celestia at all. You turned the normal Fluttershy into a bold Fluttershy that doesn't care into good modes. Seriously, re-read this:
“Anytime, my princess.” Fluttershy promised, giggling to herself at how cute the Princess sounded.
“But I regrettably will have to leave you. I have a sun to raise, and a very busy day. I hope that I am not leaving you too abruptly.”
“N-Not at all, Princess. But if you wouldn’t mind, I would um… like a kiss. Please.”
Seriously? In the first line, it just sounds like she had a mental re-cap and boom bada boom, she's a bold Fluttershy.
The second one, Fluttershy would be COWERING ON HER UNEXISTANT KNEES to ask that question. Seriously, she has trouble asking ponies to make way for her to pass, but she says that line, she asks for a kiss, from the FRIGGIN PRINCESS OF EQUESTRIA without even being dazed! What the hell? (PS. This isn't supossed to sound hostile. )
(Read this in Discord's voice) Now, now, i know this isn't a bad thing, for it's hard to keep track of character personalities when writing a clop fic, it's just that you made them go a little far off the scales to what they really are. Buut, it's still good, have a mustache.
I just cant get behind flutters being eldest of the group....Generally my mind goes to either AJ,Rarity or Dash for that title,As while yes is older than .......Honestly,I can see pinkie being the youngest if not second youngest in the group (Twi might be),So being a year older than pinkie doesnt hold much for me......But its your fic,Not mine,So go please your fetish
wow... just wow... 5 STARS 4 U!
If you want to go at this pace I don't mind, but after you finish this story it would be nice if you came back and slowed down this intimate senses...for SCIENCE!!
140225
That is the ONE thing I feel like I really struggle with. I am trying to slow it down in future chapters, and if I have the chance, I will definitely come back and fix it. Any suggestions you can give are more than welcome, and creative criticisms won't offend me.
Thanks for the heads up.
I think Fluttershy was a little more out-going than usual. By this I mean she said things that I wouldn't normally expect to see from Fluttershy, atleast not with out some coaxing from somebody. She also said "if that's o.k. with you..." a little too much I feel. But this does make a good start and leaves many openings to continue the story just about anyway that you could imagine. Keep up the good work and I expect to see more. (hopefully soon)
140999
That is intentional. I am a big fan of Flutterdom, and that ideal will sort of play out through the next several chapters. It gets interesting, because the submissive and dominant personalities will seem to trade off, not necessarily how you would expect. I wanted to sort of layer that in without making it seem out of place, which is why I tried to make Fluttershy seem naive, yet Celestia seem so knowledgable.
Also, I have a lot more planned. (A Little hint... expect some FlutterDash soon.)
A very promising beginning :)
I can't decide if this was cute, hot, or romantic... probably some of each ;)
Slowing down the whole thing would really help all of the aspects above.
Oh, and if you need anything for future chapters, like whips, candles, cucumbers, just ask me
This fic made me cry, i wub you Juicebox
164062 ummm...You cried at this? Do me a favor and read my little dashie.
I only have one thing to say.....tracked.
The story is going good, however there's something that has been bugging me.
The characters.
You made Celestia sound like a mare in heat, completely seducted and powerless against Fluttershy, that is not Princess Celestia at all.
You turned the normal Fluttershy into a bold Fluttershy that doesn't care into good modes. Seriously, re-read this:
Seriously? In the first line, it just sounds like she had a mental re-cap and boom bada boom, she's a bold Fluttershy.
The second one, Fluttershy would be COWERING ON HER UNEXISTANT KNEES to ask that question. Seriously, she has trouble asking ponies to make way for her to pass, but she says that line, she asks for a kiss, from the FRIGGIN PRINCESS OF EQUESTRIA without even being dazed! What the hell? (PS. This isn't supossed to sound hostile. )
(Read this in Discord's voice)
Now, now, i know this isn't a bad thing, for it's hard to keep track of character personalities when writing a clop fic, it's just that you made them go a little far off the scales to what they really are.
Buut, it's still good, have a mustache.
I just cant get behind flutters being eldest of the group....Generally my mind goes to either AJ,Rarity or Dash for that title,As while yes is older than .......Honestly,I can see pinkie being the youngest if not second youngest in the group (Twi might be),So being a year older than pinkie doesnt hold much for me......But its your fic,Not mine,So go please your fetish