The way you use 'flank' tells me that 'rump' sounds like a more viable alternative. Also, Thunderlane was in the Academy but I don't believe he is a confirmed Wonderbolt just yet.
Reminds me of myself as I am now, though I do have friends just I don't make new ones that aren't online. The ability to have an extended time between each comment/message is really useful for not saying something that has potential for a reaction in the negative.
Well, achievement unlocked - have an ultra awesome first friend
Well Soarin will hopefully get around, Thunderlane (while not officially in the 'Bolts, but hey, you can do whatever you want in fictions!) probably just tags along to look cooler than he really is. Silly Thunderlane, nopony is cooler than the Dash or Spitfire
Anyway, great chapter. There were a couple of minor grammar missues I have picked up, but so far the story stays highly enjoyable, so I'll definitely stick around for more
Hmm, quite the enjoyable chapter. Funny to see how the character interacts with the town of Cloudsdale on his spare time such as him entering the Library, instead of showing up on time to the Cloudosseum, and read a random page of "50 shades of hay" to which I have to say was pretty hilarious as he throw the book which unintentionally hit The Librarian. As for when the character encounters the Wonderbolts, nice to see him have to talk with the team despite how Soarin' and Thunderlane mad things uncomfortable to him.
It's refreshing to see as Soarin' gets verbally aggressive to the character, as how most second-person stories have their characters have little-to-no backbone initially with them having low self-esteem, the character recovers quickly and made his own comeback to Soarin' and kept his cool to which left the whole group speechless. Well done I have to say, not much stories would have their character bite back and keeps one cool. That being said, it's also funny too as how the character, while hanging out with Spitfire in a local fast food joint, makes jokes despite his insecurities to himself. I'm liking this character a lot for someone who is mostly negative.
The format of this chapter is perfect, but I have one question to ask:
Opening your eyes to the Luna raised moon,
Would it better to have the word as 'the Luna-raised moon', Since the noun Luna is a person pony's name and not otherwise?
The only error I noticed was "but that’s why Spitfire is the Captain, and you’re now". And I almost never notice any errors, ever. but, I think I already gave you my "Fuckin' Brilliant" award, (Which is like me giving you an Olympic Diamond metal in my book) for this story, sooo... Yeah. Awesome, I am reading it twice. :DDD <- those are my emotions to this story so far. :)
Another great chapter. Poor guy, reminds me of myself a few years back. Then I went legally insane. The friends just poured in!
The way you use 'flank' tells me that 'rump' sounds like a more viable alternative. Also, Thunderlane was in the Academy but I don't believe he is a confirmed Wonderbolt just yet.
Reminds me of myself as I am now, though I do have friends just I don't make new ones that aren't online. The ability to have an extended time between each comment/message is really useful for not saying something that has potential for a reaction in the negative.
Chapter 2 - still awesome!
Keep the good work!
Second person x Spitfire is the best!
Also, did Spitfire already slept with somepony in the story?
I love the attitude this pegasus has.
Well, achievement unlocked - have an ultra awesome first friend
Well Soarin will hopefully get around, Thunderlane (while not officially in the 'Bolts, but hey, you can do whatever you want in fictions!) probably just tags along to look cooler than he really is.
Silly Thunderlane, nopony is cooler than the Dash or Spitfire
Anyway, great chapter. There were a couple of minor grammar missues I have picked up, but so far the story stays highly enjoyable, so I'll definitely stick around for more
I get a sense of daaw from this.
In the more "bad-ass" way that is...
Hmm, quite the enjoyable chapter. Funny to see how the character interacts with the town of Cloudsdale on his spare time such as him entering the Library, instead of showing up on time to the Cloudosseum, and read a random page of "50 shades of hay" to which I have to say was pretty hilarious as he throw the book which unintentionally hit The Librarian. As for when the character encounters the Wonderbolts, nice to see him have to talk with the team despite how Soarin' and Thunderlane mad things uncomfortable to him.
It's refreshing to see as Soarin' gets verbally aggressive to the character, as how most second-person stories have their characters have little-to-no backbone initially with them having low self-esteem, the character recovers quickly and made his own comeback to Soarin' and kept his cool to which left the whole group speechless. Well done I have to say, not much stories would have their character bite back and keeps one cool. That being said, it's also funny too as how the character, while hanging out with Spitfire in a local fast food joint, makes jokes despite his insecurities to himself. I'm liking this character a lot for someone who is mostly negative.
The format of this chapter is perfect, but I have one question to ask:
Would it better to have the word as 'the Luna-raised moon', Since the noun Luna is a
personpony's name and not otherwise?*pointless comment*
Just kidding, good chapter, but I got thrown off a few times with the banter between you (the author) and 'me'. Aside from that, good.
The only error I noticed was "but that’s why Spitfire is the Captain, and you’re now". And I almost never notice any errors, ever. but, I think I already gave you my "Fuckin' Brilliant" award, (Which is like me giving you an Olympic Diamond metal in my book) for this story, sooo... Yeah. Awesome, I am reading it twice. :DDD <- those are my emotions to this story so far. :)
Doughnuts have surgery goodness? I'll be sure to tell my doctor that. Unless, of course you meant sugary.
i.ytimg.com/vi/NcvVYPK3Nks/mqdefault.jpg