I have been controlling the shadows and ponies fear for a very long time. I hide myself from three other alicorns, mainly for my protection and that for others. I dont think that they will accept me by the fact I use dark magic. Yes I simply must, I will stay in the body of a cobra and hide just hide. But no worry, just wait for some form of intelligent life to come near, one that is not dark nor evil, peacefull, yeah thats it and I'll finally be able to leave this forest. I need to stop thinking so hard, its killing me.
Now has a sequel. Check it out ;)
Chapters (4)
Certainly an interesting premise. I await the continuation.
1889338Thank you
Alright. Here's my short review for this story, All in all it seems promising and as sorenwolf said above. It has an interesting premise and I as well can't wait for more chapters to be released, but as your soul-eating small- error- fixer guy I must try to help you by picking at your fic. So, here we go.
I'll make this short and sweet I'm in a rush right now I'll do a proper review tomorrow.
I like the opening of the fic it has a decent hook and is decently executed, but however you may want to elaborate whom Shadow is speaking to. I had a little trouble distinguishing who the speakers were at first.
I would do something like this,
"For the last time, I will not assist you on your little invasion plans."
"Why not? You must clearly want to get your revenge on Celestia don't you?"Chrisalis asked taking a few steps toward Shadow.
You may have noticed that I changed some aspects of Chrisalis's dialogue, while fixing a few of the errors in your sentences (i.e. you forgot the apostrophe in don't.) Adding the question mark in her dialogue helped with the flow. Also I suggest double spacing between paragraphs and dialogues like I did in my example above.
Another little mistake you made is that whenever the voices in Shadow's head speak, you put them in quotations. This is wrong it may be something else speaking, but since they are inside of Shadow's mind they are counted as thoughts and MUST be Italicized. So, with this in mind this is what it should look like; remember double space, thoughts italicized, and speaker is clarified.
"For the last time, I will not assist you on your little invasion plans."
"Why not? You must clearly want to get your revenge on Celestia don't you?"Chrisalis asked taking a few steps toward Shadow.
Yes why not Shadow? Please Shadow, do it. Do it for us. Shadow please do it.
There's my heart breaking short tips on how to patch your fic. Also, a few spelling errors, you may want to proof read and fix them if you want I could use me and my team of editors to help you out as your personal editors and proofreading critics. please respond and I apologize for the landslide of messages and notifications I just threw on you.