Of the ponies, by the ponies, for the ponies. Welcome to a land where there lives a tyrant of a king, who only wants civil obedience from his subjects. Where ponies ask for others to look away, where children give up their childhood so a new era may start., and where ponies learn to stop fueling an empire. So take on the evil king and dethrone him by following two stories about two brothers on separate sides of the revolution, our revolution.
- Thanks go out to happyowl for making such a wonderful cover image.
Chapters (1)
I am interested in this kind of story,
may I ask you a question? did you got this idea somewhat from mine?
(I created the First American Revolution type story)
We shall name this new Republic.... Amareica!
It's a good beginning for a story, but some passages are too "heavy", relieve your style in using a more diversified ponctuation.
2600297
No I didn't, I honestly thought that this was one of a kind. Me and my partner in crime came up with this story.
2600567
Alrighty then we will look into that .
2600567
So you want more variety of words?
Not inevitably, it's just your rhythmic which raise problem, for example the first part of the chapter is dedicaced to the description of the environment:
"They shivered in the cold and nibbled on small loafs of bread. They only took small bites to share what little they had with one another before they would die."
Here you have two declaratory sentences. It's heavy! Just couple them and avoid the repetition of the "they":
"They shivered in the cold and nibbled on small loafs of bread, only taking small bites to share what little they had with one another, before they would die."
The red comma is here for the dramatic effect.
A continuation of declaratory sentences is more fitted for speech (to convince) than for description. And if I have a last word to say, it would be that the first description is always the most important, because it help the reader to build a mental image of the place! Add a little more elements next time! :)
Voila, I hope I helped you!
(and I'm interested in drawing a cover)
2600697
Yes that is very interesting I'll fix as soon as I can thanks for the help. Thanks for the offer of drawing a cover art piece for me I'd be more than happy to look at it.
2600901 I was just about to edit and find some errors, but it was too late.
I just got home and charged my laptop.
Interesting plot. Let's see how it plays out/
Along with what happyowl said, the major focus of this would be to smooth out some of the writing in the story, simply to make it more slowing. Some parts of the story seem to be very stagnant, where repeated use of pronouns can bog you down. Mainly, however, I challenge you to show vs. tell, as seen here.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit#heading=h.6qkzsww2jkrr
This is the single most important topic that most writers should work on, and once utilized, it makes the writing so much better. But like I said, it's not even close to a bad story. I'd say it's quite good.
Keep up the good work!
P.S. You misspelled "its" in the first few sentences. May want to fix that.
2602317
If it's was misspelled that would be Google docs fault
2601400
Sorry the other author got on so he checked it out
2606744 It's cool man. I understand, I'm trying to read it, but all these girls won't stop messaging me for like five seconds.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the attention, It's just annoying sometimes.
Man... thi- this... it's just awful.
2606779
Aight fair enough
2609250
What do you mean, you helped write it. >:(
2609308 Trolol lololol loloo lololololololol