After a day of hard work, Twilight and her friends get together for a picnic. What could possibly go wrong?
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- Member Since 20th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 1st, 2017
Triple Word Score
Gettin quixotic up in here
Triple Word Score
Joined 20th Mar, 2012 ·
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Okay first off, almost the whole story is in bold? I don't care really, but some ponies are gonna give you shit for it. Just saying.
Also, in response to the story itself...
images.wikia.com/bloonsconception/images/8/86/MMD_Miku_WTF_is_this_shit_by_Poison_chan.jpg
1858572
Really? I'm not seeing any bold lettering.
VVV Understood
1858576
le sigh... disregard that portion of the comment. apparently all stories on the site have that formatting now. it just looks like it's in bold, but apparently it isn't.
(Flashback)
Diamond Dog - Raggle Fraggle! *Grabs Fluttershy*
Hm... interesting story, but it's a bit broad in the details.
Once I read the title and saw Derpy was in it, I expected something like the image below. But I like this way too....random but funny.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/236/5/5/derpy__s_pique_nique_by_danleman14-d47o92f.jpg
2017633
Awww, but it's no fun being predictable.
Review as requested:
The story doesn't really start until the line,
At last, patience had finally paid off for the diamond dogs.
Maybe you could cut the stuff before that, and move just the essential info inside the rest of it?
People who don't know about sapient pearwood will have no clue what happened. At least give it the crossover tag and mention Pratchett.
"It is unclear exactly what happened next." -- This section is in a different voice. Technically it's still third-person past tense, but it implies much more strongly that the narrator is reporting on past events to an audience. It just sounds very different.
The final scene implies that Celestia and Luna take turns being Derpy. Is that what you meant? If so, you should make that clear.
I think the big jokes are that Derpy finds nothing unusual about her luggage, and then that Celestia and/or Luna are secretly Derpy. You need more little jokes between the big jokes. Look at Pratchett's stories; every paragraph has a little joke in it. Little jokes are funny for different reasons than big jokes. They might be lines that are unexpected but make perfect sense ("The Vogon ship hung in the air the way that bricks don't"), or that highlight a funny character trait. Shorten the stuff left between the little jokes that isn't funny; every word counts.
Hmm I like the ending of the story ^^, Maybe you can make a prequel to this fic detailing who that friend of Celestia is ^^. Also on an unrelated note sapient pearwood luggage is freaking terrifying.
Oh good lord...Celestia was friends with Rincewind? Too funny! But doesn't that technically make this a crossover with the Discworld series?
4098970
Not only that, but I've also suggested in my Royal Guard story that Celestia gets regular visits from the UU Librarian (it explains the bananas).
I'm aware of the argument for slapping a [crossover] tag on this, but I've also lost count of how many untagged Dr. Who/TARDIS appearances I've seen. With that kind of inconsistency, it's hard to know what readers are expecting when they see or don't see a [crossover] tag. In any case, this story has sat here for a long time without a tag, so unless someone with actual authority on the subject (a site mod, for example) wants to clarify, I'm just gonna leave it as-is.
4100486
I think the main reason Doctor Who isn't considered a crossover when he cameos is because of Doctor Whooves.
4100959
Still, it's not canon. It's something the fandom added on their own. Just because it's so widely accepted doesn't change that it's a reference to an outside franchise. If that doesn't require a tag, then neither does this.
4101667
Except he's shown holding a sonic screwdriver in the background of the early IDW comics. So technically, Doctor Whooves is canon to the comics, meaning using him in a story doesn't make it a crossover.