Toraka
Joined 21st Jun, 2012 ·
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A little too dirty in my opinion, I think there should be more dialogue in between the characters that creates a decent story line that makes the reader develop an investment in the characters interactions. And I mean no offense what soever by stating that- but a story should be enveloping to the reader, not just mindless sex. And also do try to remember that in the description of this story you state "This is the story of two lovers coming together in one of life's completely normal adventures.". When you use the term love it is meant to be a word signifying a deep emotional connection between two individuals in which they share an attraction of mind and body. The way you describe it in the actual piece of literature itself is an appalling misdemeanor! The way the characters acted in the story portrayed a mindless, story-less, and quite frankly senseless relationship. And might I remind you MLP is a show that is meant to be an innocent description of the many calamities and failing that we have in daily life, and how to remedy them. As far as i'm concerned it is highly unlikely that a lesbian couple in this alternate world (and you cannot chastize me for this, I AM a lesbian) would do things such as "flick her tongue left and right on the way." or say such vulgar things as "Oh? You want it? Like this?" or "Well, about that. You're... tasty". Yes, I can understand that the character do have sexual desires but try to keep it clean. I'm not suggesting censoring it but try to keep it at passionate love making, not full on oral sex.
1853620 My good lady, first allow me to comment on how you have mastered the art of speaking as your picture would suggest. Fancy!
Anyhow, please, do not judge me based on this story or even take it seriously. If you want MLP-ish fics, there are others on my page more suited for your needs. (Try especially Splitting aMid the Night!) This is designed merely as a control test for comparing Mane 6 clop to OC'd clop. For the first row, you can refer to this story. I'm sure you'll notice what I mean. To be honest, I wouldn't quite have expected those results, but I guess I'll take 'em. For science.
That being said, the original fic was written with the explicit objective in mind of making rushed, mindless clop. It was also my first and hopefully only adventure into the land past T. With that given, I think it performed fairly well, other than this piece of something.
Well, if I do end up writing more of the sort, I'll be sure to keep your data in mind. Again, this was not MEANT to be realistic. Its philosophy was, "It's porn, it doesn't have to have a story or be well-written or realistic to do well." And, in the case of the original fic, it really did. Once again proving my point that humanity is a hopeless bunch.
Im just going to abandon thread now.(next time put some type of notification please :) )
1854980 And risk polluting the data? Nevar!
1854980
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/270/790/c0e.gif
1853975
I disagree with your philosophy. Lovers' sex is far sexier than sex for sex's sake.
1867178 Again, that's not my point. I wrote Nocturnal to prove the point that any moron can slap down 2000 words of clop and have it be much better received than someone who spent a soon-to-be year of his life on trying to tell a character's story, to make the reader understand that character. In case you want the results, compare Nocturnal (or hell, even this) to Splitting aMid the Night. Point. Proven.
"Maybe I am," she said before putting aquick kisson Twilight's nose.
2 lines later...
"Without a moment of further hesitation, the two came together into the greatest kiss of known history"
WELL ! That escaladed quickly !