Twilight is in love with Rarity and goes out to dinner with her "as friends." Stuff happens. DRAMA mostly.
This is my first pony fic, be gentle. Written in February 2011, within a few weeks of becoming a brony.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen Dec 19th, 2019
Ninestempest
Fanfic writer, gamer, and whatever other labels I'm forgetting.
Ninestempest
Joined 10th Jul, 2011 ·
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Not bad, I actually enjoyed reading it.
D'aaaaw
There are few typos here and there, some other grammatical errors, and the paragraph-long descriptions of characters we already know extremely well were a waste of words, but otherwise not bad. I won't assume how long you've been watching the show, but it looks to me like the depth to which you know and care about these characters isn't that great (which isn't to say I enjoyed the story any less). Those redundant descriptions are one hint. Others are that Spike's feelings toward Rarity are lacking compared to the show and that Rarity would not have gotten that angry (nervous, more likely). But the biggest problem is the way Twilight reacted to Spike's questioning:
That is waaayyy out of character for Twilight. It's almost as if she's trying to break his heart and make him feel unloved. Twilight is Spike's older sister figure and the pony who hatched him while Rarity is the pony he's been infatuated with for three years. The idea of the two most important ponies in his life initiating a romantic relationship without addressing his feelings first is downright ridiculous (although a disturbingly large number of authors don't seem to realize that and find some cheap, careless way of getting Spike out of the picture).
A better question is: what does it feel like to have your closest family yell at you for gently speaking up about her going on a date with the target of your own adoration?
Really, Twi?
Private moment, perhaps, but he hardly deserves to be physically abused, emotionally abused, and treated like absolute garbage just for waking up at an inconvenient moment. This is the point at which he should start writing his long-overdue resignation. And the very next thing she says is “What I did last night was awful.” This reminds me of a Mel Brooks movie in which a king says something like, “Why would the peasant revolt? I love the peasants! Pull!” at which point catapult launches a peasant into the air for the king to shoot.
If you want to write a TwilightxRarity or a RarityxAnyone romance that doesn't make either one appear cold-hearted, one of them will need to help Spike come to terms with it before making any romantic gestures toward the other. This has ruined a lot of fanfics for me, as the throwing-Spike-out-the-door part did by confirming that this Twilight and Rarity are cold-hearted bitches who are content to treat him like shit.
1405456
Man, at the time I think I had only seen up to Stare Master. And this was the second fanfic I had ever written. I agree wholly with all the points, but I am not exactly eager to be updating this.
In truth, Nines, as your "internet friend", and without trying to sound harsh, I can really tell that this was your second work. Please take it as the compliment that it's meant to be when I say that your works have only improved since then.
You know me, so you know that I agree utterly with everything that Swashbucklist said above, plus the few lingering errors. I can't really fault you for the later (I just re-read my story The Silent Shore, and it was littered with them), but the first thing about Twilight and Spike ripped my heart out.
So, yeah, you've only gotten better. Please don't hate me for this review.
1408846
Yeah, well, f'(x) of f(x)=x^2 is 2x.
I don't understand the second work comment.
And yeah, I didn't really have a way to deal with spike and Rarity in the first draft. I was probably gonna deal with it later.
1408888
Gah! Math! My ancient enemy!
You mentioned in your previous comment that this was your second fanfic, i.e. your second "pony work". I'm actually quite surprised by that, though, as you've always been proficient. I had assumed that you had written for other fandoms.
1408917
oh, right.
Yes, I have done fanfic for pokemon and fire emblem. This is my first pony fanfic.
There are several spelling errors in the work might want to look it over. "Ecuestria" being the worst one but an easy fix.
I could not get the beat to this story as it changed paces often.
It was cute if a bit rushed and spike getting denied constantly was slightly off for me.
Still thanks for the read.
Minor spelling stuff--I know it's already been mentioned here, but Ecuestria...--but overall I liked it.
Also, kudos for using the word "lesbians" and not that ridiculous "filly-foolers." I swear to god, I don't know how that became a thing...
This is all very awkwardly phrased and doesn't flow well. In particular "Rarity is also a unicorn pony" just feels flat and the part where you switch to talking about Twilight and then in the next sentence switch back to talking about Rarity while referring to her as 'she' instead of using her name to avoid pronoun confusion would be really hard to follow if I wasn't already familiar with these characters.
Oh man.
Oh dude.
I'm sorry for the review I'm about to write. D: