Overall, this is a great fic that's not getting enough attention. Keep going, and you'll get a decent audience in no time.

At the very least, I'll read the rest.

hydra-on-hydra DVD?.....I'll take one of those.

"...THAT I CAN EAT YOUR FUCKING LIMBS"

L

O

L

Please continue, this is a nice slice of life story.

Awesome in a nutshell

I'm tracking for random reasons.

hm... me gusta

lol...

O_O

Image: http://philosophistry.com/scans/2010/lol-face.jpg

I loled at the end

This is hilarious. Please, continue.

awesome, lol.  Really funny, and it's got decent story too.  Hard thing to come by.  Please, continue.

An excellent blend of adult humor and situational comedy all held together by great writing. While I spotted a misspell here and there (Or just thier lack of identification when asked), everything flowed smoothly and the dialogue between the characters seemed natural and unforced. Overall, it was a great chapter and I can't wait for more.  

Ironically, they where probably listening to virgin radio

Very good story

Don't say "hand or blow". Don't say "hand or blow".  Don't say "hand or blow".

What's a hand?

Pffft.... um ponies are always naked? -shrugs- Might read it all eventually...

If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be reading a story about a pornshop set in the land of Equestria, from the girls show MLP: FiM, I would have taken you to the mental hospital.

Anyway, good story, it's pretty funny.

*tracks*

I really enjoy this story. It's humorous, entertaining, and somehow manages to stay tasteful despite the subject matter. Very impressive, author. I'm looking forward to the next chapters, but make sure not to go too far with it. You're tip-toeing on the line as it is!

I really like how he still said "hand" at the end.

But seriously, is this Lyra preoccupied with humans or was that supposed so be "hoof"? (I make this mistake all the time myself, have to admit I'm feeling a bit of schadenfraude coming on pointing it out to somebody else. )

There's also some back-and-forth with the past and present tense, as well as a few minor other items to nitpick at, but all in all I really like your style so far! Will be keeping an eye on this one.

This is freaking awesome! Good work. Can't wait for more.

At the risk of sounding like a hipster,  I would like to say that I've followed you story since it's first posting and am happy that it got features on EQD. Congrats!

>>180313180313 Dammit! I thought I had gone through the fic and made sure I had fixed the terms, but it seems I missed the most glaringly obvious one! I guess I'll just go and fix it now. Good thing people did notice it in the end.

whoa, the rating here is so much higher than on EQD!

I can't say I saw this when it first appeared like Hybrid there, but no matter where or who sent me here I'm glad I've read it. Can't think of any constructive criticisms besides what I wrote in the Chapter 1 comment section, least not right now, so I'll leave it at that. Tracking this one for sure.

HAHAHAHA

What is the  the most awful, dirty, filthy, foul, gross, horrid, impure, loathsome, nauseating, obscene, outrageous, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rough, sickening, soiled, unholy, vile, vulgar, porn in the shop? Is it human on Human, right? That s*** is nasty.

My friend told me about this, told me it was completely horrid. But it made me curious, will read some time. Hoping for the best

Image: http://i1120.photobucket.com/albums/l494/Wickedland/DiscordLaughter.jpg

People always take fics like this WAY too seriously.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I found this highly entertaining and eagerly await more =D

Quite enjoyed what I've read so far, but it's getting late so I'll continue tomorrow. Personally, I love this kind of humor; being tasteful without tiptoeing around "sensitive issues" is a hard thing to do, and you pretty much nail it here.

Brilliant!!

OK, so after chapter 1 I will say this fic is well written and entertaining enough. The base story is OK, but the presentation of many of the aspects of the story are flat out retarded.

Chapter 1:

Saddlesore Street itself makes no sense. Ponyville isn't big enough to have a street like that. In addition, in a small town like Ponyville it would not make any sense for hookers and druggies to be out and about when they could easily get their jollies either at home or out of town.

Rainbow Dash's story makes absolutely no sense.

Element of Harmony. Personal friend of the Princesses. Only pegasus to perform the Sonic Rainboom. Personally invited to be a Wonderbolt. Cleared training in a year.

Has it all come crashing down because she slept with a teammate? Wut?

Even assuming that's not allowed the fact that Spitfire got off easy? Who is she compared to Dash? A Celebrity? Dash is that plus way more. She's one of the 6 most important ponies in the entire kingdom of Equestria.

At the least she should have formed her own areal team and continued her relationship with Spitfire now that she's not on the team.

This is one of the most contrived premises (for what at this juncture seems an irrelevant plot point) I have ever seen in my life.

"Clop" is not a term to be used in fic, it's a fandom term only.

Is "Vivid White" a human? Why does she have "hands"?

Lyra is not CERULEAN. Cerulean is blue. There is a cerulean green, but she's not that color either. She is SEAFOAM GREEN.

Colgate is Cerulean blue and would have been a much more ironically better choice since she has the same damn cutie mark as Doctor Whooves did.

Chapter 2

You use "filly-fooling" but "gays" instead of "colt-cuddling"?

*Sigh* You would really have to characterize Gilda in the worst possible way.

You realize how silly Griffon on Pony "rape" sounds? They're hindquarters are lion. Lion dicks, like all felines, are really tiny.

Just wanted to say I find it absurd that Equestrian porn is so much more messed up and hardcore than human porn.

Chapter 3

Oh well. At least Lyra's characterization is a COMPLETE retcon of the preexisting fanon.

-----------

Anyway. Considering the stir this is causing on EqD and the reassurances that "All the pre-readers loved it" I am not especially impressed so far.

I will probably continue reading this unless it goes totally off the rails.

It's fine for pure entertainment value, and very well written (I noticed no editing errors at all other than the derped youtube link for the LMFAO vid which you should remove) but I can't see myself giving more than 3 stars at this point just due to the fact that I can't take the premise seriously at all and the plot isn't really interesting to me.

Pretty good, tacking and 4.5 stars. Laughed a good number of times and congrats on getting on EQD.

BTW.. am I really the ony person who typed in 'hotequestrians.net' into his browser just for the lolz of having done so? Obviously there is no webpage related with it, but I just HAD to look it up.

and as a last side note. You butchered HTML link does not work as intended.(I think, it has to be manualy copy pasted)

Okay, that last section with wheel of fortune and the "hoof or blow" gag made me chuckle. Then, the more I thought about it, the funnier it got. I can't stop laughing. It hurts. Despite the rather... interesting subject/premise of the story, this is pretty damn funny, clever and well written no less!

Other then my inner fan being kinda miffed at what happened to poor Rainbow (seriously, good lord is that ever one wretchedly depressing fall from grace) this was an engaging story that certainly can peak the reader's interests. The mature humor is almost refreshing in a fan base focused on magical pastel colored candy equines frolicking in saccharine magic horse utopia powered by friendship. Them baby ponies gotta get made somehow!

Second favorite gag? THe image of Big Mac skipping out of the store with the little brown paper bag in his mouth, all smiles.

Annnnnnd... following. I don't know what was better, Gilda's visit (I can fucking eat your LIMBS!) or the TV show gag. God that was funny. Immature and hilariously delivered. Other than the handful of grammatical and syntax errors, and the occasional abuse of caps-lock, these are great.

>> DPV111 While I agree with all of the points youve stated, what the heck were you expecting? Try to understand that this is inteded to be read for laughs with low expectations. Kinda like watching Jackass with some friends for kicks. With that said, my interest in this fic didnt really peak till the middle/end of this third chapter.

>>180539180539

No

Fun

Allowed

=======

Anyway. Neat story, gonna keep following this for shits and giggles. (And I am getting a good deal of giggles out of this.)

In contrast to Boring McAnalyst-pants, I believe you've got Gilda more or less down pat. An absolute dick, with no consideration for others. Also, the rest of the plot is feasible. (You know, given that it's centered around the sex industry in a world populated by talking pastel ponies.)

The odd slip-up with grammar and formatting was observed, but the fact that I didn't give a flying [shazbot] about them (despite my almost OCD-like attitude towards said defects in other works), and wanted to keep reading anyway speaks for itself.

Keep it up! It's getting a solid 4.5 from me, bordering on a full 5.

this shit is great

you made me spit out mucus when you did the seamen thing

gj, you get a 5

Usually, I don't approve of stuff like this. But this particular fic is just funny enough to break that trend. Especially all the innuendo on the TV. Well done, sir.

"You're gonna love my nuts."

no comments.

Nice job getting this posted on Equestria Daily, I haven't seen such a shitstorm over there in quite a while

Hahahaha! Yeah, def setting this one on my watch list. 5-Star all the way.

Oh god, my stomach is hurting Damn this is funny, I'm so tracking this

-Glassed

Vivid White touched her "what" to the screen?

xD Might I recommend a ctrl+f "hand" before you publish?

But that's no biggie. Nice story so far

>>180539180539

Obviously this guy takes his borderline-clopfics VERY seriously and hates being called gay.

And also, in Rainbow Dash's scenario, she WOULD be more important and popular.  That makes what happened even more understandable.  When you're popular, you have to go along with the expectations of the crowd.  I take it you've never been popular yourself, DPV, and that's why you don't get it.

The story thus far is just...

There are some mistakes, like the color Captain Frownypants pointed out, but so far I really like it.

haha this was awesome I though I would suffocate from laughing at the end of the fic

> "EAT YOUR FUCKING LIMBS"

Image: http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/12/121572/2093465-arrow_to_the_knee.jpg

YOU PUTRID CUNT

BEST FUCKING REFERENCE I LOLD SO HARD WITH VINCE OFFER because i watch ytp of him lots and this story pure awesomeness keep it up loving it

This fic is truly amazing.

sude, dis is funneh...

A story that has lyra with no bon bon and is straight? is that even allowed?

>>180697180697

Is it wrong to offer a review of a story you like? Or to want a silly story to make sense? I get that the story is not to be taken seriously, but it's still ok to voice my opinion, right?  Plot holes. They're not just for aisle 3.

>>180813180813

I love fun. Most of my faves are silly comedies. Do you have a reason I shouldn't post a review of a story I read? I'm not telling others what to think or whether to read or not, just my opinions.

Also Gilda is a bitch not a psychopath. It WAS funny but overboard for my taste. YMMV.

>>181404181404

Obviously this guy takes his borderline-clopfics

This isn't a borderline clopfic. It doesn't even come close... yet.

VERY seriously

It's not that I take the fic seriously. I actually like the writing but have issues with the story, so I offer constructive criticism. Why is that a problem?

and hates being called gay.

LOL. I just asked for consistency in terminology. If you use "fillyfooler" instead of "lesbian" you should use "coltcuddler" instead of "gay". Problem?

And also, in Rainbow Dash's scenario, she WOULD be more important and popular.  That makes what happened even more understandable.  When you're popular, you have to go along with the expectations of the crowd.

Except that 1: it was stated Spitfire was the more popular "face" of the Wonderbolts compared to newbie Dash which is why she stayed and Dash was booted. and 2: I was more referring to the fact that Dash is easily as or more"connected" than Spitfire and wouldn't be snubbed so callously. Elements of Harmony > Wonderbolts.

I take it you've never been popular yourself, DPV, and that's why you don't get it.

And this is the point where I stop respecting you and taking you seriously. Grow up.

There are some mistakes, like the color Captain Frownypants pointed out, but so far I really like it.

I see. You are taking my tone as negative toward the story and getting defensive. Just FYI I actually like this story and the author's writing style. That's why I'm leaving criticism. If I thought the story was crap I wouldn't care enough to type all that.

This is how I show my love

I made it in my mind because

I blame it on my A.D.D. baby

CAN'T STOP LAUGHING THIS IS MAKING ME LAUGH TILL THE NEIGHBOUR'S START CONPLAINING

Sooo, what? I'm reading a RomCom, set in a porn shop, within the confines of the MLP universe?

That is a sentence I never thought I'd say.

How is this as good as it is?

The concept is intriguing, the comments are... intriguing, the character choices, also intriguing.....

Color me intrigued. I think I will read this one tonight.....

Well someone's certainly flying against fanon with the Doctor. Although Doctor Who would be a lot more interesting with this type of Doctor...

I was skeptical about this but became plesently surprised

I await more

And I have not been disappointed! This is shaping up to be a fine comedy! A fine comedy indeed!

This friendship is fucked up. Someone needs to call the Elements of Harmony.

the funny thing that gift is for a element of harmony

and to tell the truth i stop waching TV for the same reason. now i watch recorded vid's with limited comercial or see the vid online but still sometime's it is like that for me

>>182561182561 Thanks for your criticism, actually. Not many people have actually told me where I could've done better, apart from accidentally putting "hand" instead of "hoof". As for your criticisms, I imagine Ponyville not to be the really small size that they show when they do outside shots of the place, and that it's actually bigger than that, and it's only drawn like that for simplicity's sake. I still don't think it's in any way "big", but I think it has some room for a small place for all this.

For Gilda, I guess I may have gone a little overboard, but I kinda wanted to exaggerate it, kinda for the lulz, and kinda because I don't like Gilda, which is a bit shallow. Nevertheless, I never plan on Gilda coming back into the story, so I had to make her one appearance memorable. If I ever do bring Gilda back, I think her character will be a bit less one-sided.

For RD's little backstory, I agree that RD should be more important than Spitfire, since she's an Element of Harmony, and she's saved the world twice. In the canon universe, though, no one seems to think it's that amazing that the Mane 6 have done all that, and the Mane 6 get no recognition at all, like when the rich Canterlottians (?) knew nothing about Rarity's friends.

For colours, I don't really think the exact colour of a pony is so important, as long as I'm not completely off. I understand some people think different, though, so I'll take more consideration into what colours I use for ponies in the future.

Saying Vivid White had "hands" was an honest mistake, and one I'll fix. Also, "clop" is a fan-made term, but I think it just feels right for it to be in this fanfic.

And now, to address the one other major criticism I've been getting, that Lyra and Doctor Whooves aren't really in character. Truth is, I don't really know much about either character's fanon. I know Lyra is either depicted as a) Pony who tries her hardest to prove humans exist and b) Regular old pony who's in a relationship with Bon Bon and plays the lyre. I decided to put Lyra into the second category here, as the first one wasn't really what I wanted for this story, and her needing college money was a good excuse for why she wanted to work at the shop. And as for Doctor Whooves...I really don't know anything about him...yeah, that's obviously lame, and in retrospect, I should'v researched his character more, but I've never watched Doctor Who, and my knowledge of it is very limited, so I just never had an interest in reading any Doctor Whooves fanfics. As for why I just didn't use an OC for him, and maybe another for Lyra as well, once again in retrospect, it probably would've been better. I just didn't think I could really sculpt the personalities of 4 characters instead of 2 from the ground-up (Hard Cider was originally supposed to be more a main character, and he might become more of one later on.). I also think I liked the whole "Love Doctor" thing. I can't really go back and change it now, though.

So yeah, that's my "author's note". Thanks for the feedback, everypony!

>>182983182983

People are complaining characters that have no canon characterization what so ever are OOC?

I have no response to that. It's so far beyond my frame of reference that I don't think I... what?

Trust me. Your writing quality and characterizations (except Gilda) are the reason I will be reading the next chapter when it comes out.

As for the rest... like I said: Plot holes. They're not just for aisle 3.

me gusta i eagerly await more

Wow, this one's really kicked over the hornet's nest at EqD....

But hater's gonna hate, as they say. Ignore the star-bombs and keep up the good work.  This is legitimately hilarious,  and also I sense what could be a really sweet and very heartwarming romance with Sly and Lyra (at least that's what I'm hoping for!)

Maybe this isn't for everyone... but it's just fine for me.

You're on ED, here's hoping you don't get down-star'd into oblivion.

>>180200180200 >>181371181371 >>180313180313 He fixed it.

I laughed so hard near the end. It's like he was meant to turn on the TV at that exact time. Chapter three here I come

normally i don't go for this kinda stuff, but i find myself drawn back here, waiting for more...WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

XD

How do pony strippers work, anyway?

>>182983182983

Don't forget the Mare-Do-Well episode either. It showed that Ponyville was big enough to have a cliff overlooking the town center and a hydro electric dam not too far off either. So yeah, a seedy could easily be fit somewhere.

Personally, I really enjoyed this fic. I like thinking that ponyville is all cupcakes and rainbows. Keep it up!

This is genius man!!

Make Chapter 4 please!

Never before have I laughed at a fic quite as much. I await the next chapter with bated breath!

I don't usually read comedy fanfics (mostly sad ones and Grimdark), but sweet CELESTIA did this make me ROFL like every 2 minutes!

The story has a certain awkwardness to it that makes it attractive, like a middle school crush.

I loved the part with the included link! I turned the video off when she turned the radio off, it made feel like i was kinda in the story

CRITICISM ALERT:

It seems pretty good. Either that or it's so funny my mind is skipping over errors. One thing though: in the parts where it's only Sly thinking and passing time and such, can you make the sentences flow a little more naturally in the next chapter? Unless it's better for the story the way it is. If this is how you meant it, I guess i can see how the short grouped sentences mimic how our train of thoughts goes.

KEEP WRITING or else they'll have to write a Grimdark about my funny bone.

"Hoof or blow"

"no i mean"

Lyra then walked out the store

"well that sucked"

THE END

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE

I LOVE IT!

And nice soundtrack bit

>>182561182561

SAIL!

>featured on EQD and popular as fuck fic for 2 days

>NEVER UPDATES

omg that was hilarous. cant wait for new chapter

>COMPLAINS ABOUT LACK OF UPDATES

>UPDATES A FEW AFTER MY COMPLAIN

great chapter as usual, have my galaxies

(score?) Yes sly, score...

Yeah, I've had channel flipping sessions like that.

Loving the story so far. Couldn't stop laughing near the end of it. /]Brohoof[\

erotic

I just hope is works out for Rainbow. Her story is depressing.

Well This was a very entertaining chapter. Still uncomfortable with Dash's predicament but hopefully you have some positive progress planned for her.

The only thing I see you needing to change for EqD might be Zecora's rhyme, but then again no one took her up on the offer so it really makes no difference.

So many lulz to be had!  I love this story!  Keep up the nice work man

Can't stop laughing!

awww, I can totally relate with sly... and this was intricately hilarious

I was pretty leery about this at first, as I tend to avoid things that are close to clopfic (yes, I know I shouldn't judge a book by its cover....now all I'm thinking about is zecora in a loincloth, damn you )  ANYWAY, great story, lots of humor, and it never really crosses that line into clopfic territory. So great job, and keep up the amazing work. If only I could stop reading all the fics on here and get back to work on my own...

A proud member of TWC. I salute thee, Mikkino!

Image: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nh3-zFzPwcI/TeBS6awTrLI/AAAAAAAAAAk/wmR0tEAmOCk/s45/rainbow_dash_salute_by_atomicgreymon-d3bo0dx.png

Great chapter, as usual!

Your style just gets better with every update. There is one glaring grammatical error in this chapter: "Hey, Rainbow!" I shouted as Dash downed her first glass of cider. "Wanna sit at a table with Lyra and I?" should be "with Lyra and me."

The quick-and-dirty (heh, quick and dirty) method for determining whether "and I" or "and me" is correct in a given sentence is to delete the other party and see how it sounds. In the sentence in question, it would turn into "Wanna sit at a table with I?"

Looking forward to the next update. : )

>>191999191999 Fixed.

>>192057192057 Skoal!

>>192057192057 my heart just skipped a beat am i in love? oh wait, nope just laughed too hard

oh i cant wait for the apple family reunion should be pretty funny chapter

She's had a rough few years," I said. "Got into the Wonderbolts at a lightning speed, and got kicked out just as fast. She was having a relationship with Spitfire, which is strictly forbidden. They let Spitfire stay on though, since she was one of the main faces of the Wonderbolts. In my opinion, I think an Element of Harmony that's saved the world twice and who also happens to be one of the fastest pegasi alive is more important than Spitfire."

I see what u did there

FANSERVICE

keep Rollin Rollin Rollin!

I loved it! to bits really I loved it.

Theres only one things that I have for critsism the part were Sly comes back from the part and is all cryface that was a bit hard to read.

I still trecked though

I await the next chapter

So vulgar