ipwnlocks
Joined 30th Nov, 2012 ·
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Oh wow... um, I'd suggest you get an editor...
1838662
editor? what for?
1838669 You've got some fairly poor sentence structure, bad capitalization, and some grammatical errors... and that's only from the description!
1838698
so im going to assume you didnt even READ the story, then?
1838730 No offense, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.
EDIT: If your description sucks, you're likely to get a lot of hate right off the bat.
1838730 No, I did read the story, I always do... it was better, but still. I spotted a few errors ever coupla paragraphs.
I have to agree with Regi here.
But still, great story anyway. This site needs more AppleMac.
1838735
obviously, on this site that is the case.
1838751
point them out to me, then.
1838765
im surprised this site isn't over flowing with it.
i also love how people will rate fan fics negatively without commenting to at least say WHY they didn't like it.
i think this site has a massive hive-mind. and as soon as there are a couple down votes over up votes, everyone smashes the down vote without any real reason, or worse yet, without reading it.
1839673
It doesn't help that there's a high chance most of those dislikes came from neanderthals who have no free will and are forced to be disgusted by incest.
Seriously people, grow up already.
1839728 so what you're saying is that people disliked this story because they DON'T have free will?
I'm pretty sure there is a reason for the neg bar... and wait the neanderthals are the ones who DON'T appreciate incest? who gave you the right to pass judgement on anyone, anyway?
"yeah, people just grow up and have sex with your brother!" come on dude, show some class.
1839665 sorry bro, but my name's ColdHeart for a reason... the site's not overflowing with it because, despite many fettishes of the MLP fans, AppleMac is still INCEST. it's kind of hard to get around that!
1839673 "i also love how people will rate fan fics negatively without commenting to at least say WHY they didn't like it.
i think this site has a massive hive-mind. and as soon as there are a couple down votes over up votes, everyone smashes the down vote without any real reason, or worse yet, without reading it."
THANK YOU!!
1839767
That's not what I said at all. Please hold for a lengthy and detailed explanation of why you are wrong.
But seriously, if you don't like it, fine. All I'm asking is that you people rate stuff based on the quality of writing, not content.
1839790 the comment section and rate bar isn't for grammatical corrections, it's for what people think about the writer and his/her ability to create a captivating story with value to the reader. If you are going to use it solely for the purpose of telling others that what they think is wrong, you shouldn't say anything at all
1839790 so please, tell me how wrong I am
1839728
i never thought about people disliking simply because its incest...
1839772
its incest, so what? you say that like its a bad thing, or something.
1839777
not sure what point you are trying to make with this comment.
1839665 It doesn't help that you don't capitalize your "I"s when you talk down here in the comments.
Seriously though, get an editor.
1839862 I'll try to clear it up for you, sorry my opinions can be spoken pretty inconsistently: I don't think you're a bad author or person, I don't think anyone is wrong for what they think about your story, all I know is that I have five siblings and the thought of incest, even when they're just cartoon characters, disgusts me personally to the point where I can't enjoy anything about it. I don't like it when people tell me or anyone else that they are stupid or simple-minded (which, need I remind you, is EXACTLY what neanderthal means) for their opinions.
and in one of my comments I was just agreeing with you on that people should explain why they dislike something. ANYWAY, yeah, you're a decent author, I just don't like the thought of sibling-on-sibling intimacy, and I don't like it when people judge others for their opinions. that is all.
1839873 Hey. You, um, you got something in you Santa hat.... just thought I'd let you know....
1839908 Hair boner.
1839912 Ah. Been there.
1839873
oh my god, shut up. who gives a fuck if i dont capitalize shit in the COMMENTS. you are just as bad as the fucking grammar nazis that think it matters if people dont put apostrophes in contractions.
it matters in the story, yes. but when im just typing, talking to people or replying to someone. it doesnt fucking matter.
1839890
well, if you have such a problem with incest why would you read my fanfic, when its obviously a clopfic of big mac and applejack
1839919 It does, because people will make assumptions about you based on your typing. I do not, and am just trying to help you. Besides, I expected more from a WRITER. You should get in the habit of being grammatically and punctually correct whenever you write.
1839919 Because, I'm BORED and I love hearing my voice, even when I'm typing! GOD!
btw, me is a grammar nazis. 
yeah I just decided to choose a random fic with my eyes shut and read it. Then tell the author what I think.
1839925
get out.
1839929
if your randomly choosing fics, you cant bitch about the content
1839934 You obviously haven't met me. I'm the most opinionated, bitchiest bitch of them all. thank you, by the way, for appreciating my comments. I love the attention.
1839934 I was only trying to help...
1839934 I wasn't trying to help, but I thought you'd like to hear what I think
1839806
You know what, I'm not going to rant at you. It will just be a waste of time for both us.
All I want to say is, get rid of your unjustified feelings of disgust, be more open-minded, and vote based on quality, not content.
I am not continuing this pointless argument.
1839993 Right. I'm the closed-minded one. OK, then sir, forgive me for not liking the thought of family members gettin' it on, hope we can still be friends despite my evil acts of free will.
1839993 wait, wait, I'm sorry, but I can't let this one slide that easily- UNJUSTIFIED FEELINGS OF DISGUST? I have five little brothers and sisters, so forgive me for not liking the thought of brother and sister sex! You have absolutely no right whatsoever to assume that my opinion is based entirely on what others think, to assume that I function only as a brainwashed worker bee following the opinions of others! For God's sake I'm on a site for fan-fiction of My Little Pony, and you don't think I have any individuality whatsoever? I was really trying to not start an argument here, but it's so hard when people are judging others for what they think. ipwnlocks is a talented writer, I'll give him that, I wanted only to express the way I felt about what he had written, but when others come in and tell me how to react properly by telling me that I have no uniqueness in the way I react, the sheer hypocrisy of it all drives me insane! I wasn't trying to insult or abuse anyone on this site, and I certainly wasn't trying to butt heads with anyone. Please allow the people of this sight to share their opinions in peace. THANK YOU.
1840044
Woah woah woah, chill. Screaming about it will not help.
You know what, enough. If you can't think logically then that's your problem and I respect that.
I am not continuing this pointless argument.
1840094 *sigh* sorry for the screaming, but, come on. You've said you're not continuing the conversation twice now, still refuse the fact that I'm being completely logical, and you called ME the closed-minded one. You, sir, are the epitome of sheer hypocrisy!
ladies ladies just com down and eat tacos OK every one got that OK this is about hot mac jack action OK god
Ah, incest stories...
The problem I have with incest stories is "erasure" and it's out in force in this story. Erasure, as I use the term here, is removing a troublesome element from the story. In incest stories, siblinghood gets erased. Mac isn't AJ's big brother. No, AJ has a boyfriend named Big Macintosh who kinda looks like her suspiciously-absent big brother.
So I'm not offended, I'm just disappointed. This is way too OOC. I have siblings of my own, see, and siblinghood is special in a way that's hard to explain to folks who don't have it, and it's rather gross and certainly a source of drama for a story to crash sexual desire into that relationship.
So, down-thumb for ignoring all that delicious, gut-twisting drama. Is there any reason this isn't just two random OC ponies fucking? 'Cuz when you strip it down, this story could be about any two random ponies - except a brother and sister.
Those comments were more entertaining than the story, thumbs up for causing that.
1843034
you can argue that any clopfic makes the characters out of character, just because in the show they never fuck, and they never swear so...
plus it was obvious that this was an incest story, its starting to get annoying that people are complaining about it.
1843774 people are going to complain about your story no matter what, I'm afraid you just can't make something up that will please everyone, especially if it's a really hotly debated topic. Uh, but listen, I kinda just came back to apologize for that outburst, I think I made it awkward for everyone. I was just trying to get my opinion across but I can be a real hothead at times. So, sorry about that.
1843774
Of course they fuck, Word of Faust says so. They swear too - they just use Y-rated pony swears on TV. (I enjoy making up pony swears, personally. Think about it, "sleet" is every bit as nasty as "shit.")
And you're right: making a story gives an author great leeway to set things up in whatever way makes a good story. That's my complaint.
Conflict can come from inside a pony's heart herself, or from her wants diverging from her partners, or from some outside compulsion, situation, issue, etc. And conflict is the gasoline of stories. So "we had sex and it was great," might be porn but isn't a story. This is a porn story: "We started having sex, but then her parents came home and we had to sneak out the back, and then we ran into her best friend since grade school and had to make awkward excuses to get out of there before this chick figured out why we smelled funny, and oh shit there's her dad, and we ended up doing it in the wood shed and that's why to this day the smell of musty oak carries memories."
Story and sex are not mutually exclusive. Aim higher. (And maybe write non-clop until you get the story-telling side ironed out. It's easier to get good feedback.)
I myself am still trying to figure out storytelling. So don't think I'm an expert or anything, but here's what I see in your scenario:
You can have two siblings who aren't attracted to each other. (Reminder: this is normal.) If they're gonna screw, you need outside circumstances to force them together - and the story is about how they don't like it (at least at first).
You can have two siblings who are attracted to each other. This is hard to believe and boring. You can make it work by handwaving the "hard-to-believe" part and - crucially - by adding an outside factor that tries to keep them apart.
Or you can have one pursuing the other. Down this path lies heavy, heavy darkness: rape, emotional blackmail, secrets, lies, and risking the bonds of siblinghood. The most horrible part is siblinghood doesn't ever break - the relationship can be so poisoned that, say, Applejack murders Mac to get free and even still she will miss her brother terribly.
"Apple Love" picks the third option. "Apple Training" chooses Option Zero: don't write about siblings. Sure, you can implicitly say they're siblings (by picking these specific) characters, but there's a gap here between informing the reader and making something fictionally true.
So, how to fix? My gut suggests the following, but it's not the only solution:
- First, add an outside conflict: a stress on the farm (which both AJ and Mac care about), the death of their parents, the death of Granny, something along those lines. Then twist it into "this means you have to do me" with hormone-driven bad logic.
- This is supposed to be Mac's fantasy? Then AJ pursues him, not the other way 'round.
- The key to telling a good short story that doesn't feel incomplete (and I'm working on this myself) is to pick a time of significant change. I'd lean towards "AJ's been tellin' me we need to make hay so I won't be distracted from the farm work. But now that problem's solved, 'cuz I got me a new marefriend." But you could also pick the (overdone) "How I seduced mah big brother fer his own dumb-lunk good."
And I feel kinda bad pimping my own work when I'm being critical, but if you're interested in seeing a worked-out example (of type #1) by someone more experienced, I did write a clopfic last week about Fluttershy getting an education from her big sister. It'll be going up soon (drop by MLPchan and turn on mature threads if you want a preview); I just need to beef up the story climax a little more and polish the prose.
Won't be commenting on your next chapter for that reason. Too much conflict of interest.
Anyway, heading off to read Princess Fantasies.
1844167
jesus christ that was the longest comment ever.
and i know this has no real conflict, or story. it not really suppose to. its just clop, and as i said it was just like the fanfiction big mac wrote as part of his series from my other apple story.
and as for the "ways to correct it" part, it sounds like you are telling me how to write MY stories...
1844666
>Long post
You have no idea.
> it sounds like you are telling me how to write MY stories
Well, of course. It's free advice, guaranteed to be worth every penny!
Have a follow, 'cuz you're new at this and I'm curious to see you grow.
1845069
you say you want to watch me grow, well besides the follow up chapter to this story, idk if youll be seeing much more from me, im getting discouraged by the MLP fanbase. im about to switch back to legend of korra or avatar, at least those bases don't freak the fuck out when something as mild as incest is presented.
I'm not in those fandoms (seen a couple episodes of Avatar; it's on my to-watch-when-ready-for-big-series list), so I dunno if you get automatic positive attention for writing Katara x her brother or whatever. But... from what I've seen of MLP fandom:
There are some people who will love you just for writing their One True Pair. I don't mind those people; they give me a few new gold stars each month for my old FlutterDash story. They're not a majority, though, and the readers I like, the ones who will sit down and think about what I have to say and write me insightful comments, are really open minded. Critical, yes, but open-minded.
If you like the challenge of writing for an audience like that (if not me personally) check out the /fic/ boards on MLPchan or fim413chan. Particularly, fimchan: they like weird kinks. And yes, incest is considered kinky by bronies.
Can't tell you to stay or go, but I do like your passion. I'm not sure you're willing to learn from criticism, but when those two elements combine, amazing things (like the authors Cold in Gardez and Raven's Dagger) tend to happen.
1845939
idk what i will do
must know what happens
1847299
you'll find out in chapter two...
1847299
how about i give ya a hint?
Apple Bloom learns the meaning of "impaled"