After the events of "Wonderbolts Academy" Lightning dust meets Gilda and decides to abandon her broken dream in favor of Gilda's rule free lifestyle. But when thier antics start to get out of hand Rainbow Dash confronts the two former friends.
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Nice concept. I'm watching.
Too bad I'm trying to avoid stories that contain season 3 spoilers, otherwise I'd be DYING to read this.
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Just for the record, 1815723, a concept isn't worth shit without execution. Don't get me wrong; I'm here because Gilda (and to a lesser extent Lightning Dust) is best pony, but no matter how original a concept for a story is a poor execution will fuck it up. If concepts were stories I'd be one of the best authors on the site ;P
Alright, I say this a lot, but a description needs to do two things. It needs to let readers know what the story is about, and it needs to make them want to read the story. Nothing more. Yours is a case of going above and beyond; you don't need three paragraphs to get the premise of the story across. A lengthy and in-depth description won't bring readers in, so let's see if we can trim it down to something more manageable. For example...
Short, sweet, and to the point. Your bulky three paragraphs have been reduced to a few sentences that conveys the idea of your story across, and combined with your interesting concept it should be enough to draw in some readers. By no means do you have to use my exact words, but something along those lines will be a vast improvement.
Now, something that strikes me right off the bat is your word count. I know that FiMFiction has a minimum of 1k words, but 1k is a pathetic amount. Any chapter worth writing should have a minimum of 2k words, and a good ballpark is 3k. A bare thousand words isn't enough to hold the interest of many readers.
There's the odd grammar error here and there; a proofreader might help you catch them.
Now, I like the interaction between Gilda and Dust, and with a bit of work I think it can come across as pretty believable. The way they meet, though... what's Gilda doing throwing apples at pegasi in the mountains? Why not have Dust drown her sorrows in a bar and run into Gilda there? The only thing that needs real work is the setup, I think. Take your time setting the scene, and try not to rush things.
Oh... way to end on a bad note ;P Questions like these are only annoying; the reader should already be asking themselves this.
tl;dr version: With some work this will turn out great.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
1815902
I keep thinking that the short description goes up and the long one is what the guys who approve it reads, will change to match short.
The short word count was because I was hoping to do a number short chapters so I can work around some other projects I'm working on. Mostly I wanted the first chapter done so I could have something, will revisit.
The scene was supoosed to show that Gilda had mostly been a drifter herself, the kind of lifestyle she would be championing through all of this and it would have been a chance meeting. Look at at the bright side, I almsot put Dust on a certain rock farm...
As for the last, part couldn't think of anything better to put in the author's notes and wanted to try out the feature, it will be gone.
could been done better... seems a bit fast pace, jarring really.
LD X3 I can't wait for more fics of her!
1815837 Are you not watching season 3 period, or at least not until a certain time? I mean, I know you're behind the Pony POV Series, which seems very season 2-centric, but just how much of season 3 have you (not) seen?
I have to admit that Gilda does make some sense in her wordings of the Wonderbolts as of late...I mean when you think of it that way...
Nice idea. Please do keep putting up the good work upon such a great tale like this one.
this is good, i hope you update more.
Also Gilda have a point if you are good you don't have to point it out to everyone, even tho she mean she know what living life is. Sure i'll be happy if she was nicer but how gilda point out in this fic is right we keep on showing what we are good at but we don't have to, just like the 7 deadly sins. pride is one of them.
And Rainbow fit the bill all to will, Gilda and Dust have almost no pride of showing off and stuff like that so my gusse is they be fin but rainbow need to know when to stop being a bicth all am saying
1816490 now i thin of it it's feel like it's base off this intro here
Uh Hum flamesnation.ca/uploads/Image/moar.jpg
I love it so far great job keeping RD in character can't wait to see where this is going keep up the good work