Yea, I'm a writer and I occasionally freelance as an editor or collaborator.
Cosmic Guardian is enjoying his birthday celebrations with his friends and royal cousins when he meets Princess Luna. Luna has just returned from the moon a few weeks ago and still does not believe that anypony likes her or her nights.
Cosmic Guardian sets out to show her just how much things have changed and how wrong she is.
A birthday request from a friend. Cosmic Guardian is his OC.
Cover art by Cleventine.
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One thing I would like to point out. Cosmo and Luna/Celestia are not actually cousins, it is just a term used by royalty when addressing others of royal birth.
google.com/url?source=imglanding&ct=img&q=http://www.deviantart.com/download/319959542/bonbon_oh_celestia_why_by_ilhajaot-d5ahud2.png&sa=X&ei=WQ_JUOyEHszFiwLopICADw&ved=0CAkQ8wc&usg=AFQjCNFTZq2Dz5RQJXsMCrZlzBYLOO9dzw
1789704 Filling up that 25 comments a day quota huh.
1789721 I have too.
That was beautiful.
1789783 Glad you liked it.
I felt that my current writings were getting a bit clop heavy, so I decided to do something totally clean for this.
1789855 Clean? I didn't think people still did that.
>>fimbulvinter Ah something light thank you good sir for you have mad my night
a little bit of a rhyme you see now I must give praise to thee ? Haha that was awful on my part anyways I loved it
1790277 I had almost forgotten that this was meant to be stories about candy coloured horses. I needed to do something clean and light, if a little sad to remind myself of that fact.
1790284 Gland you enjoyed it.
I thank you again my great Fimbulvinter. For this masterpiece, your wish is my command.
Just read it again. I'm holding back tears at the beauty.
>> Fimbulvinter You see, that's the kind of thing you say INSIDE the story, I thought they were really cousins. Ew...
1805489 Seeing as how the story was rated for everyone, I didn't think that people would inherently think incest at that comment. Plus, it's no more than shipping at this point, they never actually do it.
Edit: I've altered that part of the story slightly to remove any confusion.
>> Fimbulvinter Still, you literally said they were cousins.
1805813 I guess I gave people too much credit when dealing with royal terminology.
>> Fimbulvinter
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2011/297/a/8/luna_shrug_by_adiwan-d4dtskk.png
Name of Story: Cosmo Memory
Grammar score out of 10: 7.5
Pros:
1) Premise - I think this was a good idea to explore. I pretty much roll my eyes at Celestia now, and having her portrayed as a meaner, more thoughtless ruler is kind of refreshing.
2) Cosmic Guardian - I don't know if your way of writing this OC was told to you by the OC's owner, or if it's just your take on this OC. Either way I thought it was good. There's a nice little bit of character growth in this story.
3) You wrote this for someone and that person loved it - that alone is something worth praise. There's no better feeling than bringing someone's fantasy to life and they love it.
Cons:
1) Grammar - So through out the story the grammar is a little off. It's not a big con at all, just that you have some awkward sentences through out the story that I don't see in your other stories. It messes up the flow of the story enough times to be noticeable.
2) Pacing - A little too fast in the pacing. You mention that CG is part of a squad or something and I totally missed that. Maybe it is because the story is told in 1st person, but things move a little last. That might just be me though - it's been quite a long time since I've read a story in first person.
3) Nothing else to really bring up as a con for this story. Certainly nothing that is note worthy.
Notes:
I've read your stories before and this reads like your weakest. The grammar just tripped me up. But it's still counts as a good story to me because the person you wrote it for loved it and that to me makes all the difference. It doesn't really matter how much I like it or dislike it - all that matters is that the person you wrote this for is happy with what you made for him, more so when you include his OC. I give this a thumbs up.
2005474 Thank you.
For the plot, I was given a prompt of OC and Luna bond at a party. I was somewhat limited by the nature of the story and the way that the requester wanted it to be done.
as far as the OC goes, I had to build almost all the personality from scratch as the original vision for Cosmic Guardian was almost the poster child for being a Mary Sue - original description lists him as being more powerful than Celestia and Luna combined.
2005602
That's the problem with alicorn OCs. The way you wrote CG kept me interested to read more, and you made a pretty good balance for him - not super powerful, not under powered, and not all that skilled with his power. The way he raises the moon was a good touch of showing he has the power of an alicorn but not the mastery that comes with that responsibility. It humanizes him and made him interesting to read. I can certainly see the limits in this premise, and I'm willing to bet that the person who requested the story wanted it in first person huh? Something about writing in that POV just seems harder to do, and more restricting. I should give it a try sometime...
2006260 The first person was actually my choice, as I thought that it would be a good way to connect on a deeper level with the OC, but it comes at the expense of all the other characters.
In third person you can switch and jump to different characters freely. First person limits you to only what the character can see and prevents you from exploring others thoughts unless you insert a full perspective shift.
I had forgotten just how hard it can be to do a good first person, especially in a story as short as this one.
A touch fast-paced for me, but it is decently written.
Personally, I would have preferred if you could have made it longer, perhaps even multi-chapter, but I understand that you were limited due to the nature of this story.
2005474 Hey sweetie, I have a mission for you. Would you mind writing this ship again? You know, same basis, but you could extend and make it, shall we say, dirty. I enjoyed Cosmo's character and, to be honest, I kind of like him. Maybe I'll meet him one day, but for now, I want you to gossip about what we did after we got home.
Please? It would really mean a lot to me if you did.
And, Fimbulvinter, it's nothing against you. You did wonderful and this is already perfect as I see it. I just want to see if anybody could take this to the next level. I'm sure Cosmic Guardian would be very pleased to see us together fully. Please don't be mad at me.
This is an amazing fiction I can read over and over again and never get bored