Dinky Doo is normally a very happy little filly. She has the best mother ever and friends to make her life better.
Her dreams are another story, and recently she has been dreaming that Corona, the Tyrant Sun, is trying to abduct her again.
One night she goes to sleep, and finds herself trapped in a forest, hunted by the memories of the greatest evil to have ever lived.
A short Webisode that takes place in RainbowDoubleDash's Lunaverse. Longest Night, Longest Day should be read for maximum understanding, though is not required in any way.
Cover art by Khiroptera.
Rated teen for some dream horror.
For those not familliar with the Lunaverse, Corona = Celestia's form as Nightmare Moon. Ditzy Doo is the element of Kindness, not Fluttershy and Trixie is Luna's student in place of Twilight.
Wow, not bad at all. You wrote this well and I can visualize all that is happening. The only issue I have is that when Dinky wakes up, Ditzy is really worried, but she seems to get over it relatively quickly, and if Trixie had been called round to help, I doubt she would leave until she knew what was going on or found some way to help Dinky, as she cares a lot about the filly as well. Perhaps extend this a bit, or have Dinky try and reassure Ditzy that she is ok now and that as long as she has her mother she will always be safe.
On a writing level, I only found 1 mistake:
Your missing a word like 'around' or something between carefully and her.
Other then that, this story has turned out really well. I would still let some other members look at it as well so you can get a group census, but if I found this in the webisodes section I would certainly enjoy it
2422943 Thanks for having a look. This is the kind of comments I need. I did feel the ending was a little flat and could be extended out a bit.
2422998 If you ever need someone to read over your work, just let me know. I'm always willing to help other authors better themselves and make great stories
2423227 protect me cone
Slight nitpick, it should be "momma" here.
2422943
I also echo Pontiac here - this is really good, but I think that expanding it a little to have Ditzy show concern for a bit longer, and maybe include Trixie.
2431230 haha, yeah I'm a RVB fan
2432740 Edited and expanded.
2433374 grif is best pony
> “So you come to this little ones aid, sister?”
I found errors in this sentence:
> “So oh sister, ¿thou cometh for aiding this little one?”
Thou is singular.
We can pair ¿question-marks?, ¡exclamation-marks!, and ⸘interrobangs‽ now.
The interjection “so” needs a comma following it. I feel that while we are at it, we might as well combine it with the vocativeinterjection of sister as I did above.
This is why I am bad at prrof-reading; I went berserk on 1 little sentence to the neglect of everything else. Here is my stab at everything else:
The site now supports tabs, so I would indent the paragraphs.
I would parir the ¿question-marks?, ¡exclamation-points!, and ⸘interrobangs‽.
Sorry, but I am not a good proof-reader.