Now with an audio reading by Scribbler. Check it out.
Bat Ponies have returned to Equestria following the return of Princess Luna from her 1000 year banishment.
While most of Equestria is slow to trust these strange night worshipping creatures, for one pony, it represents a perfect new avenue of study.
When a Bat Pony comes to live in Ponyville, Twilight jumps at the chance to ask him a few questions. What she didn't expect was the condition that came with those questions: That she let him take her out to dinner first.
Just a quick little story that kept on growing as it developed. The story was inspired by, and based off of a sketch image originally drawn by Jaxonian which was put up for adoption into a story.
Contains a small amount of blood towards the end of the story. Teen rating because of that.
Now with an audio reading by Scribbler. Check it out.
He probably should have called her "Dame Sparkle" considering the knighting they received in the S2 premiere.
And that would explain why there are no obese unicorns anywhere...
My fangs are not just there to puncture the skin and draw blood. They also inject into the donor’s bloodstream a powerful analgesic to dull pain
Anesthetic.
also I agree with this ship.
I wonder if there'll be more?
Oh.. that was quite nice. I may have to use some of your worldbuilding, if you don't mind.
May we have a sequel please?
very nice story. not a lot of writers have the stones to pair a main character with an OC, and even fewer have the skill to do it well. the only thing i didn't like was the way Twilight snapped at NIght Song. the first time at the restaurant came completely out nowhere. Night Song only said that she didn't seem like the drinking type. that statement did not warrant such a hostile reaction. and the second time was even worse. at no point during the date did Night Song treat her like a child. i have no idea were that accusation came from. also, what she was asking him to do was very personal and Song didn't feel comfortable drinking her blood so soon after meeting her. it wasn't about what she wanted, it was about what he wanted and Twilight was being uncharacteristically selfish. but other than those two scenes, i did genuinely enjoy it hope to see more.
I like this. While most of it seems to be world-building, there's a hint of character development. That character development could be more expansive and played with, but other than that it's a pretty good story.
I do find it funny that Twilight tried to play getting her blood sucked off as academic curiosity when it was obvious she was just turned on by it.
Kinda annoyed since I had a very similar idea I wanted to turn into a story at some point.
PS: This could use some editing; there are a few grammatical mistakes and areas for improvement of sentence structures.
PPS: Not sure why the "random" tag is there either.
Why would he be so irresponsible as to bite her throat? Not much risk from losing a pint, depending on her actions afterwards, but he could kill her doing that
3578817
From the vampire movies I've seen that think this through, they outright declare that biting the neck is a bad idea and good vampies bite the collars and shoulders of their donors.
Also, two weeks isn't a healthy space of time between donations of a pint of blood.
Oh yes please!
3578621 Agreed. Night Song was very professional and didn't treat her as a child at all.
Otherwise, great writing!
3578989
Yeah, I'll chalk it down to FIM ponies just having different biology.
3578213
I just looked it up, and 'tis actually a real word. You learn something new everyday.
Also, rather interesting little one-shot. Almost wish there was more, but I can see why you stopped it here; this left us with the foundation for a relationship that could be built, and we can tailor it to our own tastes in our minds if we wish.
3579216Dang you're right, never heard of that word before. Honestly when I thought of pain killer I immediately thought of Anesthetic, so the new word threw me for a loop.
but yea I still stand with the second part of my statement.
3579311
Mm-hm! Threw me at first too, just figured it was some medical term I didn't know. I was right!
I would appreciate more as well, but I am content if such is not forthcoming.
Somewhere, somehow, Celestia's "mother sense" has her inexplicably angry with Luna.
I love this fiction I couldn't stop laughing this will always be one of my favorite fictions
Now this...
THIS was impressive.
Well done, and downright awesome.
Added to Twilight's Library.
~Skeeter The Lurker
what i thought that thestrals were different though.....
Sequel? This would make for great sequel material.
Love it! Really original....PLEASE MORE!!!!!!!! Twi visits city as ambassador? hum hum.
>>>Meat has a very high protein level, and made for an excellent food source to power complex spells. >>>
Tsk, Twilight fails physiology! Protein delivers the LOWEST amount of energy per unit mass!
FAT has the highest energy content, at 9 kcal/g.
With all the desserts that Pinkie eats... she must be the most powerful being in Equestria!
>>>Supposedly, thestral’s descend from a union of pony and bat, >>>
Somewhere out there on the Internets... a clop artist is drawing this...
A really nice fic. It was quite some time since I've read some good light "romance", especially that there are not that many with actual F/M parings out there. Anyway, it would be nice, to see some continuation to this. ^^
And now as it is my tradition to come down on random fics at 2 a.m. and rip their typos apart, let's proceed to the typo section.
Of a pegasus and a bat.
There's a verb missing here, let me remove the bit that describes the news itself and we get this:
"When news, it was (...)"
Needs a verb.
I assume that there is more than one larva, if not in the dish itself, then in the restaurant's supplies, so to speak. Therefore the plural form would be in place: larvae.
A dot missing, I presume? Yes, I am that OCD when it comes to being a grammar nazi. ^^ I am the bane of double spaces as well. :P
Again, larvae. Especially since you've used "are".
Come to think of it you may consider doing so every time the dish is named, but I am not entirely certain if that's the proper way to call it, so you might want to get a second opinion on this one.
Same story as before: a pony and a bat.
All of Equestria? Not 100% sure if your version is incorrect, but mine for sure is not. You even used the corrected phrase later on. :)
Wasn't it supposed to be "It'll..."?
That's just me nitpicking, but shouldn't you use more pony-like term? As in "firsthoof"?
I believe that is a question.
That's about it. :3
Love this, you should add romance tag in least for ending. Maybe you could do that for the sequel though.
Good world-building, great writing sir!
Very well done, definitely deserves a sequel! You have earned yourself a moustache fine sir.
Bat ponies are sexy
So is this a Twilight romance style or what.I'm talking about the book/movie Twilight you know the vampire one.
First of all, thank you so much for using my artwork for this great story! It had me grinning from ear to ear the whole time!
INCREDIBLE, original mythology (very hard to come up with mind you), Not too much fan pandering at the beginning, great job on the cannon x oc pairing, (ALSO very hard to pull off well), loved the eloquent separators you have between parts of the story, and aside from a few misspellings and errors, (seen on every single fic I've ever read) You have a really good story.
I'm honored to know that you used my work as the inspiration for this incredible fic. Liked, Fav'd, and will soon be spreading around.
Keep on writing, Fimbulvinter. Keep on writing.
(Is it an inappropriate time to ask for a sequel or new chapter plz??
)
Very Nice, Good Sir. This Was A Fun Read, And I Enjoyed It Very Much.
(Also, My Phone Is Capitalizing Every Word, Sorry.
3580235
"hybrid of pegasus and bat" is perfectly fine in both cases. It's referring to the species as a whole, not a specific incident involving two individuals. I also note that you quoted a use of "thestral's" as a plural, which is incorrect, without noticing the error. "All Equestria" is also fine; I don't know why you would point it out if you weren't even sure it was incorrect. "I'll only be a moment" is also a very standard construction. You might consider improving your English skills before critiquing others'.
If you really wanted to pick on something, pick on the bit where Night Song "could care less about the actual meal."
And with this, my "Read Later" list has reached 200.
Quite a good story, though there are a few glaring errors, aside from the ones already pointed out:
How exactly does one scream quietly? Perhaps "shrieked" is a better choice.
Enzymes are more likely break down proteins, such as those found in blood clots. In other words the enzymes are more likely to increase the flow of blood rather than increase natural healing; unless, of course, magic. The saliva is more likely to contain the coagulants already mentioned, an antiseptic or antibactiral agent to reduce the chance of infection, and/or macrophages to fight any introduced pathogens.
Just a little typo.
Sweet Luna, he's going to kill her!
Puncturing arteries with something the size of a tooth is going to cause some serious, if not fatal, damage. More likely he's after a primary vein, like the external jugular - although damaging that is also very risky.
Nit-picking aside, have an upvote.
3579902
They are. Technically 'thestrals' are the bat-winged horses from the Harry Potter series. But the term seems to have been adopted by a number of people in this fandom to refer to Luna's bat-winged guards as there really is no canon term for them(the only named equine races we have are unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies, alicorns, changlings and zebras. So people had to come up with something for those ones).
Great Story just a question thought did you miss clicked on the random tag instead of the romance tag ?
This was a quite entertaining piece to read, and all the little bits of world-building and backstory made it more interesting and added substance to it. Though I do feel it could have used a bit more delving in to Twilight's mind around the time she came to the conclusion she wants Night to drink her blood, otherwise the reasons for her insistence are not very clear and come off as a bit emotionally dry, boiling down to simple clinical "curiosity".
You could have showed us a bit of Twilight's inner monologue, have her all but squirming on the inside with fascination (and perhaps a bit trepidation ... which may or may not make the prospect even more inciting) at the prospect, have her show some excitement (if only in her thoughts) as anticipation and uncertainty squirm around her along with the thrill of discovery and the potential experience. The whole ordeal could have used more emotion injected in to it, otherwise it came of as somewhat stiff, if still reasonably good.
Likewise, her reasons for asking him to accept her as his 'regular donor' could have been explored a few sentences more. Why did she ask it? Continuous scientific curiosity with little emotion attached? The process felt so good she wants to experience it again? After having gone on a date, she found out she has perhaps been missing out by not giving the dating scene a chance, and seeing she seems to like Night well enough, is casting out the hook? We can make assumptions of course, but given how 'dry' in terms of emotions the whole ordeal felt post-dinner, it's not very clear.
Another thing I found a bit eyebrow-raising was how quickly Twilight snapped at Night the two times she did about being treated like a filly, given that he was doing nothing of the sort. Those felt a bit jarring and came off as pretty severe over-reactions from her ... is there a particular backstory behind Twilight reacting that way? Because taken on their own, those reactions didn't seem too natural or something Twi would be prone to say all else being equal.
Those nitpicks aside, this was a well executed concept on a popular theme, and I certainly wouldn't mind to see more of this, assuming any sort of continuation is in the cards.
Blood was in the middle too.
3578189
Snips... of course, he's like 12 or what ever age the CMC are.
You got it backwards, it should be an anticoagulant.
It's cute.
3582337
Kind of. If he injects coagulant, the blood will turn into a clot and he won't be able to feed. An anti-coagulant would make her bleed to death (since I'm guessing he bit on her jugular, not on the carotid artery). Cases of severe blood loss followed by a venal rupture are not unheard of. The blood doesn't "jizz" from the wound, like an artery. It just floooooooows.
3581338
My English is not perfect, I never said otherwise in my life. ^^ Still, I was trying to help. Didn't quite hit the spot apparently. Oh well...
Of some of the things I was not aware, like the species thing. Pointing out things I am not entirely sure about is not that bad either. If I am right - good. If not - I get to learn something thanks to others pointing out my mistake. For example this is the first time I've ever seen "I'll only be a moment" being used, so I simply had no idea it's a thing.
Don't take my pointing out typos (correct or not) as something like "hurr I am language god and you are all horrible". :P I am far away from considering myself really skilled in this department, despite learning this language for years and getting BA degree from English philology. I still have much more to learn.
I like this language and getting to know it better. Therefore, thanks for teaching me something new. ^^ After all, we learn through our entire life.
P.S.
As to skipping that plural thing, well, it was 2 a.m. after all. Don't judge me. :D
Mmkay, so, two things.
First, gratz on the feature.
Second, I love the idea here, but think you should have made more than just a one-shot. Maybe throw in a bit of romance, or adventure, I don't know.
3578621
Yeah, I'm gonna have to point you towards... I dunno, every terrible (and even most of the good) HiEs that plague this site. You are right about the 'being done well' part, though, I'll give you that.
As to the story proper, it was nice. A few grammatical mistakes (but seriously, we all do that). The world-building was nice, too.
Personally, 'vampony' irks me. What the hell is wrong with just using 'vampire'? I get that it's a fandom thing, but it feels completely unnecessary for the story. If there were also vampiric griffons or minotaurs and you had to differentiate, that's a different story.
3582110
Ah, right, but he hasn't been using much of his magic lately.
3581943
ok then :)
Well, that was pretty good. I liked it enough to wish I could keep reading, so that's a plus in my book. There were a few grammar errors, most of which were pointed out by Valkyrie and Ponytrician. There were a couple of other things too, but I don't have time to point them out before work. I'll get them when I come back, if somebody else doesn't do it first. Good job, interesting idea. Please continue, if that's what you had planned.
i see so much potencial in this story you could take this further if you wanted make an eniter book on night song and twi maybe night song eventuly becomes twi's special somepony
I liked this story. It played itself more realistically than most 'first date' stories. No love at first sight, no kiss at the end, no innuendo, just two people eating and talking.
Time for Super's Critique and Commentary!
three things: 1, that's a hyphen, not a dash. Dashes can be approximated with two hyphens--like this for example.
2, no spaces between words and dashes
3, you should have a second dash after "nightmare moon" to make the sentence clearer.
wouldn't that be "hoofmaidens" and "stallion-servents?
I believe the term you seek is "en masse."
Now who could that be?
A semicolon should NOT be used here; semicolons only join complete clauses that could stand on their own as complete sentences, and that first clause can't. I would replace the semicolon and comma with (parentheses).
If you would like me to do this for the rest of the story, let me know and I'll be happy to give it a run through, however for now, I will just read through it without commenting because I want to read your wonderful writing.
Neat story. I learned a lot of interesting facts about his colony and how it differs from mine. For example, I myself am related to fruit bats, and inasmuch much prefer a yummy smoothie over that icky blood. But to each his own, I suppose. Liked and Faved!
Twilight acted a bit OOC, but it was alright.