After Rainbow Dash’s first sonic rainboom, not only did it give the other five ponies their cutie marks, but also assured them the elements they represent.This is the first time ever that the Elements of Harmony have had a living consciousness, and a conscious is a very powerful thing in itself. Twilight seems to be the most affected by this judging by what happened during her training in Canterlot. What could this mean for the six Elements of Harmony?
This is rated teen, but has some sexual references. This is my first story and critique is most appreciated.
Chapters (13)
Neat story. I don't have any advice in grammar since I am not exactly excellent at it, but everything seems awesome to me.
Interesting. I will watch/follow. For now. Please continue so I may give this a yay or nay. It has HUGE potential, but at the same time, can crash and burn VERY easily. No pressure.
956109 Thank you for your opinion. Trust me you won't be disappointed with this story.
I felt exactly the same when i started to write it.
Ooook---I'm lost...
1009033 Yes I know it's going to seem confusing in the next few chapters, but this is becoming the base for what will happen next.
Don't worry it will all be clear further into the story.
I hope so. So far, things are simply happening.
Can't wait!!
Author's Note:
I'm so sorry to have this come out so late. I'm just so busy now that school has started for me and other personal mishaps that have popped up. But don't worry I'm still trying my hardest to get these chapters out and I will continue this story no matter what, so try to be slightly patient alright. The next chapter should be up very soon.
PS: comments and critique are very appreciated; I only wish to improve.
Now for a while people have been telling me they were confused about what the conflict of the story was, and asked me things like why does it have "Neo Elements" in the title. And I'am here to say that the next chapter, chapter 6, will start the real story. So you SHOULD be able to figure things out and notice other stuff in the next chapter. So just hang on until then. It's going to get good I promise.
A WILD OC APPEARS
Story good so far, a few errors here and there, but it isn't too bad to hurt it. There is one error, however, that really need to be checked up on.
It is supposed to be 'Kindness'.
There seems to be a lack of any military bearing in Red Star.
Also 'sir' is what a male superior officer is called; a female superior officer is called 'ma'am'
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Silly me, thanks! I never would've noticed that mistake! 
Oops,crap
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Hehe, that's actually something I meant to explain a while ago, but kinda forgot to. Ya see, Red Star doesn't like to be called "ma'am" because 'the word makes [her] sound old', and she made that clear to everyone else under her command
Military bearing? As in a uniform and stuff? Yeah, she doesn't really wear any of that cuz she thinks it's "too showy" and "unnecessary".
MOAR!!!
Wow, another comment on a chapter I already commented on.
But, I promised you a comment by the weekend, and here it is. I wanted to finish reading what you've done so far, but I gotta sleep sometime. Anyways, some things I have to address:
1: You need to choose a tense and stick with it. Sometimes you write in present tense, and sometimes in past tense. Seeing as it's only the fourth chapter out of twelve, I don't know if you've fixed that already, but I'm just writing about what I know.
2: The OC- I, uh, don't really know what to say. I just have this sense that there's something off about him- that no normal being behaves like that naturally. Maybe it's just me and how I prefer my characters (a little on the unfriendly side, the type that takes warming-up-to), but I just can't get comfortable with Midnight Shine. Also, really? Midnight Shine? Is this supposed to suggest something about how his relationship with Twilight will end up? I dunno. I'll read more of your fic tomorrow and review some more then.
PS: Y U NO RESPOND TO MY PM?
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. I'm fixing it though. Also, Midnight Shine's choice of a name will be clear very soon. Hint: yes the name does have something to do with his-- i guess you can call-- "relationship" with Twilight.
Yeah i never did notice how bad my tense was until just recently
But yeah anyways, i'll be glad to here of what you think of this fic.
Okay, so, comments on this chapter specifically:
About the ending: What?
Also, when transitioning or showing flashbacks, it looks better if you actually say when/where you're transitioning to.
For example:
(Number of) Days Ago
Or:
Meanwhile, at (place)
Other than that, the same things from my last comment apply.
-Kuroyami Fukaikuro
Shitstorms a brewin.
There are a few errors, but this is the one that stood out to me:
Um. Unless Twilight was somehow getting past security, I don't think she was in Celestia's presents ;)
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Season 1, episode 23: The Cutie Mark Chronicles-- In a flashback scene, Twilight's magic went out of control during her entrance exam and Celestia had to get involved to power her down. This chapter takes place soon after that incident. Therefore, Twilight has been in Celestia's presence before.
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Yeah, presence not presents. Take another look at my comment again. There is a massive difference between the two words.
So, uh, the tense problems again. And, this is just nitpicking really, but there was a part where you forgot a punctuation mark, and you called Twilight a
when it should be
and, uh, other than that, not much I have the skill to comment on.
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I think he's referring to presents as in gifts
gotta love / hate homophones
The plot continues to thicken... Midnight, just who exactly WHO exactly are you and your... companions?
Hm... 'Neo Elements'... Oh.... Well alright then, author. Please. Continue....