I'm your friendly neighborhood riffer. Except when I'm not. I also write pony words and review them. I hope to serve.
A young unicorn wakes up in the basement of the Golden Oaks Library with no memory of the past. With nothing to go on but a strange voice in his head, and a grey pegasus that was unconscious upstairs, they set out to find the truth.
But nopony could have prepared them for what they were going to witness when they emerged from the library.....
(A very special thanks to sierra_seven for being my co-author, helping with storycrafting and editing! Go give him some love!)
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Badgers! Thousands of them!
Don't worry, Nightmare had the same problem. Find a table, some crackers and wait it out.
Yay!
My Baby Daddy!
What have we here.
Twow, you must put in Rhymey.
1776442 Hahahha....
NO.
Also, when is the next chapter to "Son of Change" coming out, might i ask?
1781776 I'm not sure. In fact, the whole reason I started this story was because of being stuck on that chapter(and other reasons, which you can see if you read my latest blog.)
1781783
Please do continue it. It is INCREDIBLY thrilling, nicely made, and, overall, a very intriguing story.
Boom. Headshot.
____
Joking aside, an interesting start.
Just want to say that, at first, i was not pleased that you started to make a new story, as i wanted to read more chapters of "Son of Change", however, now i am really getting to enjoy this story too; it defiantly has potential and i want to read more.
Keep up the work on both Story, Twow.
1788150
*Stories, sorry
Poniponi
1798508
Another Chapter=Another brilliant read
EPIC FAN-FICTION HAS APPEARED
READiNG MODE ACTIVATE boop
Another awesome chapter.
1854023 Truthfully, I wanted to wait until we could talk again before I posted it. I was really not sure about this chapter.
Alrighty then!
So, through some sort of administrative clusterfuck, I was not linked to this story till about 5 minutes ago.
Time to get my review on up in this bitch.
1863912 Lulz. Thanks Barata.
NUUUUUU
NOT ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER!!!!
Awesome. See, I knew you'd be able to pull this one off well
Shame it's gonna be on hiatus though...
Twp minor spelling mistakes
Great chapter, as always.
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I'll be here when you get back.
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Oh, and poor Derpy, seeing Rainbow Dash die
Hello, I am a reviewer for the group WRITE. We are a group that will review stories for an author if that author gives us the consent to do so. But that much you already know as I’m here right now. I’d like to start by saying that it was an honor doing this for you. I hope that it helps you to become a better author. I will do my best! Also, take nothing that I’m about to say personally, it’s just constructive criticism and was only intended to be so.
Grammar:
The grammar throughout the story is generally pretty good, though there are some outliers. Nothing that is so jarring as to throw someone completely off, but it can be noticeable at points. I suggest having an editor or two go through the story with a fine-tooth comb. There is nothing that you consistently got wrong, though, which is a good thing.
Plot:
This is the section that will be complicated. I’ll start off with the good. The overall idea is interesting, it is fairly original and does catch my attention. I have never seen a story where Celestia (though there may be some out there) breaks Equestria into several dimensions due to madness. Pretty awesome.
However, there are minor plot contradictions throughout the story, these do shake the overall experience a good bit.
Though this may or may not be a true contradiction, the lack of clarity still has a major impact on the overall feeling. Like I said, there are other instances of contradiction throughout the story, just not as prominent.
It also seems to be a bit rushed, scenes that lack description and some that aren’t described at all (As shown above, how do you know that it's a kitchen). It would do some good to go back through the story and detail certain scenes, it’s particularly jarring in the first chapter. It does get better as you go on, I assume because you got comfortable with it or something of that nature.
There was also a single instance of you having a contradiction with canon. When you said that Derpy lived in Cloudsdale with Dinky that implies that Dinky could walk on clouds. But she can’t, as she is a unicorn, meaning that she would fall to her death.
But the plot idea is a good one, it just needs to have more substance in it. Substance meaning more description (as I have stated previously), more scenes between the major characters to solidify their relationships, etc.
Characters:
Alright, the first thing that I want to talk about is Broken Hope’s name. That is possibly THE most depressing name you could choose for someone who is going to save the dimension/universe/Equestria.
Other than that, the character development is pretty good, though more detail and more scenes in the chapters would definitely help.
The dialogue amongst the characters can get awkward at points, making it kind of hard to read, an example of which is above. It just doesn't sound natural.
Also, Derpy seemed to be a bit too cheerful to wake up next to an unknown pony, kind of weird. The mane six are in character, which is a really good thing. I could definitely see Twilight becoming a control freak.
Overall Rating:
While there are mistakes, some more jarring than others, it was still a pretty good story. It was captivating and did make me want to read more (although the first chapter was the weakest one), which is one of the most important things in writing. I definitely advise you getting an editor or two and you guys just taking a day to go through the story and correct every little mistake that you can find. If you can correct the things that I have pointed out in this review, then you will have a truly great story. I award this story 2.5/5 Pinkies.
~FluttershyisMetal, WRITE's Official Metal-Head
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1993406 All of my thanks. This'll help a lot moving forward.
1994135 I am glad. It was an honor to do this for you. Can't wait to see how you improve!