The death of her brother takes a heavy toll on Princess Luna. The palace seems too quiet, her sister too distant. She wants nothing more than to bring him back and make everything normal again, and she will stop at nothing to achieve that goal.
(Note: This was a joint effort. Props to Lord Sunder for major editing, Fallen Prime for proofreading and brainstorm, FoughtDragon for grammar nazi and Madgod Pim for distractions. The OC of this was made by Mare in the Moon.)
(Disclaimer from Fallen Prime: We KNEW this was a terrible, awful premise going into this. Even with four of us actively working on it, I have little faith in its success. But SOMEONE felt obligated to do it when Mare batted his eyelashes at him.)
(Cover art is credited to miradge.)
For the uninitiated, this is the OC info that Mare in the Moon sent us that spurred this whole little project.
First of all, I think it's cute that he thinks the story is the EASY part. Seven and a half hours, we worked on this. Half of it was pulled right out of our asses, and the fact that we worked so hard just meant every single one of us was constipated. Definitely WAY more thought than Mare put into the OC, the final details of which we barely even kept in favor of shit that would actually come closer to WORKING.
Even then... alicorn brother of the princesses? We're gonna get SO hammered with dislikes based solely on that. I know most of the in's and out's of what works and what doesn't, and we were knowingly working with something that desperately couldn't work. In order to even TRY, we had to fuck canon hard enough to need the Alternate Universe tag.
All that aside... given the inherent brokenness of the concept, I think we came as close to making it workable as reasonably possible. My faith in it is very little, but twow was too nice to say "no" to Mare, so... now you have to deal with another fucking alicorn OC that's directly related to the princesses.
Suffice to say, there's no way in hell we're ever doing anything like this again.
Mare in the Moon, let me just say this: Mylla's death was not out of spite for your character. It's like Kamina from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann: a character who's there to develop all the others, of more worth to the story in his death than he was alive. And need I remind you, Kamina was the baddest-ass motherfucker in existence.
Hey, Moon, if you're reading this... know that your character concepts are only capable of doing good with their inevitable and pitifully early deaths.
I wanted to commit seppuku with a rusty carving knife after writing this.
All star writer group? Which hates it? Good!
Alicorn OC? I'MA DOWNVOTE WITHOUT READING, LOL!
1684991 WE WORKED HARD ON THIS.
1684991
AT LEAST HE WASN'T BLACK AND RED! SHEESH!
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1685006
1685042
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(for the record I did not actually downvote)
BLOCKED BY NOSTALGIA SCHMALTZ
DON'T EVEN CARE
Also, upvote.
1685078 Kurt Cobain's seal of approval.
We can all die happy now.
1685078 Ooh, scandal! Do tell.
1685057
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1685078
1) Didja read it?
2) If so, is it good?
May be in read-later if it is good.
1685096 I posted:
Also an "I regret nothing gif".
NEVERMIND BLOCK REVOKED
1685094
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1685110 I... I really don't want to comment on the quality. I hate myself for contributing to it, but we've gotten positive feedback from the people we showed it to. People who have a burning hatred for the cliches we employed.
1685110 IZ FANTASITC
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1685129
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Can't wait to read!
1685247
Have you met my friend 1685131 ?
He'll tell you why it's good. I didn't read it yet, but, oh hoho, he knows his shit.
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1685297 Dude. Knowing Regidar is a rite of fucking passage on FIMFic.
1685369
Not only that.
It seems to be a privilege.
To anyone who has the NIRVana to protest:
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Whaaaat i thought u released son of chaos and not a new story
1687948 I did. This was for a request.
1685110
It's... bad. That's the nicest way I can put it. I skipped over the rest of the story immediately after Mylla's death, knowing that everything was as it should be. I went back and actually read it shortly after starting to type my comment. It was just as terrible as I thought.
First of all, start with a back story. Maybe a flashback or two. It seems like Mylla randomly appeared out of fucking thin air, and half the story doesn't make sense. You can't just pull stuff out of your asses, give us a working backstory. I didn't have any time at all to get attached to Mylla.
(Mylla? Seriously?)
Plot: NO. There was none whatsoever, you just started the story right up.
Grammar: YES. As expected of the authors who have a high ability to grammar, I'm quite pleased to say that there was a higher quality than I expected from... this... knowing the author. Not twow.
Interest: Practically none. It's like... well, it's a bastardization of the actual plot and canon. You can't make Luna's reason for banishment "she wanted to revive her brother". The fact that Celestia BANISHED HER FOR ONE THOUSAND YEARS seems a liiiitttllle out of proportion retribution.
The only things I have to say that are good about this fic is
1) The OC died early.
2) It has a nice cover art.
3) Flashbacks (for me, anyway) to "The Answer" of Persona 3 FES.
I do not hold Lord Sunder, Fallen Prime, FoughtDragon, Madgod Prim or twow443 responsible for this.
EDIT: Wow, I reviewed this, bitched about grammar, and derped. Apparently I skipped over the entire remaining sentence of the "Grammar" thing and went straight to "Interest".
1690131 Thanks for understanding. This was literally the best we could do after having virtually nothing to work with.
How hard was this? Well, it took us six hours to think of any possible way to make it work on Sunday, and then another seven and a half hours to write it yesterday.
This hurt me inside. I'm sure my fellow writers can explain more.
1690196
I'm not sure if this was a trollfic. I honestly want to see what you first pulled up. First draft, I want to see that. I'm REALLY surprised that you made this work.
1690234 This was our first draft. I kid you not. After seven and a half hours, this is the final result.
1690131 See that? That's what I expected to see more of based on the premise.
I'm sure that, if you saw my blog post and my comment here, you're aware of the somewhat troubled history behind this story. twow couldn't bring himself to say no to Mare's request to write a story based on his OC, and he couldn't do it alone. Every single one of us went into the story expecting tons more comments like yours because we knew what we were given was inherently flawed. The best we could do was gloss over most of those flaws and structure SOMETHING that looked like it could work.
I think if we had more time for this, we may have had more success. The issue was that twow's schedule wouldn't allow him to dedicate more than a day or two to this project. And the entire first day was spent talking about how it could be broken down to work and whether he should even do it at all. The roughly seven and a half hours we worked on this was done in mutual frustration, with Mare for making the prompt, twow for not just saying no, and ourselves for even trying. If we had more time, we may have made a much more involved and original idea (hell, I NEVER wrote chapters of my own story within the span of a single day), but we had to make due with what we had. As it stands, twow didn't even have the time to write a chapter of the story he WANTED to write for, this took so long.
You've seen my review of "Discord," so you know what Mare's work is like at its worst. Basically, this was like us trying to fix up that very story without changing the central plot. We were trying to write a story about one of his ludicrous OCs, only keeping the basest properties of the original outline. The guy actually expected us to write a story about this "Prince Aiden" coming back after a three-thousand-year absence. You could make a list of reasons why that's an awful idea and make it longer than anything we could have written, and I'm sure the OC would have stayed exactly as Mare envisioned him had he been working on this himself.
The literal best we could do was give him an attribute that would make SENSE for a deity to master and pull a Kamina by killing him off so soon. One of my original ideas was just to have the OC's death and Celestia's growing coldness merely emphasize the issues that REALLY drove Luna to madness, but by the time anyone even remembered that was a thing we wanted, we had most of the story written out and were getting sick of looking at our own writing.
I was never convinced that this story was good, and the fact that I even entertained the thought and worked with it just depresses me. But the reception I've seen thus far at least lets me know that we did a hell of a lot better than just about every other moron who tried to give the princesses a direct relative. And this was still four people who knew they were polishing a turd and couldn't bare to pump out more than a rough draft. I'm sure we could go in and edit it to make it much more appealing from a technical standpoint, but none of us really want to even breathe this thing's air anymore, and twow thinks the story in its current state is a testament to the bullshit we had to trudge through to get this made.
electreXcessive wants to add onto this story and make it a much bigger adventure involving a successfully resurrected and corrupted OC, and given his resume of work, I'm pretty sure he's one of the best possible guys for the job. I bet that includes expanding on the abrupt opening and just about everything else our time budget and utter lack of conviction made us overlook. Yes, I think he's a naive moron too, but he thinks he can do something with this, and if it means the rest of us don't have to look at it again, I ain't gonna stop him. It'd still be leagues better than twow's own Starlight trilogy, I bet.
But hey, thanks for your honesty, and thanks for not faulting us for the godawful concept. Not gonna make me feel better about the fact that I worked on this, but oh well.
1690131
Well... then what did it start with?
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Also, Regidar hath spoken the word of thy story!
He speaketh that thy story is good, SO BEITH!
1690653
That's what is started with. I really want to know, oh I don't know, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED BEFORE. THE BATTLE IS A GOOD PLACE TO START! WHY THEY'RE FIGHTING IS ANOTHER PLACE TO START UP SOME BACKSTORY! THERE WAS NO BROTHER BEFORE, SO WHY IS HE HERE NOW?! I'm trying, I'm trying AS HARD AS I CAN TO FIND ONE GOOD THING! I'M DRAWING A BIG, FAT, BLANK!
*breathes in* I feel much better now. Thanks for being the brick wall that I can rant to.
1690780 And now you see the problem we had with the WHOLE STORY
1690780
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1690918
Yes.
1690934
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1690953
This story's existence offends me. On a personal level. It's a squandering of talents.
1690991
Well, your opinion.
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(I'm FirstComment guy btw)
1690991 Don't I know it. I'm praying to god that Elec can actually fix what we tried to fix. All those points you brought up, he fully intends to address, and I'll be watching over his shoulder with this comment on full display in another tab, making absolutely sure your concerns are taken into account.
Thanks a ton. You're actually making me WANT to make this shit look good.
1691031
Done properly, a story with an OC can be a fantastic tool. It offers depth and can expand on the existing canon. Mylla (sounds like Mykan far too much for my liking) is a rather poor one. Very few alicorn OCs are accepted, and for the story to have a chance at surviving, knowing this fanon... you may or may not have to kill the alicorn.
I recommend taking stories that have good OCs in them, and try to apply their personality and their quirks to
MykanMylla. Try to make him interesting and fit in.Also, change his name.
Putting Mylla next to every other pony and you can easily tell who's the odd one out.
This was probably the longest I've ever bitched about a story. But it has potential, I'll give it that.
1699424 I wholly admit to pulling the name more or less out of my ass. Just ran some synonyms of "earth" and "ground" through a translator until I found something that didn't look impossible to pronounce. Like twow previously said, it was that or the placeholder name of "Bob," which was probably STILL better than Aiden.
I'm still not entirely sure what electreXcessive sees in this, but he's adamant about overhauling what we have here and blowing it up into a full-fledged story. And this time, without time constraints and maybe with actual EFFORT on the writer's part, he can incorporate the elements this lacked. Namely, a much more convincing handling of Luna's reaction and banishment that doesn't usurp canon completely, and an actual fleshed-out character where this thing used to be. The prompt we (barely) worked with gave us literally nothing to go on by way of personality, flaws, or anything that would make this character a CHARACTER. And no one involved had any faith in his successful creation, so we just dealt with him as soon as possible and made it about Luna.
Elec said he easily imagined taking what we have and expanding it to several times its original length, which most likely includes properly setting up the conflict with Discord. And I'm going to make sure the thing with Luna goes closer to the way I intended for it to go - namely, the experience with this guy's death and Celestia's growing distance from her serving to emphasize the way her subjects view her and her night, compounding the utter lack of appreciation, respect and love she thinks she gets from others. I hoped to give Luna the impression that Celestia had always favored the departed sibling. To be honest, I have no goddamn idea who among us threw in the necromancy thing, but it looks really awkward and wholly unfitting, and the original idea got lost somehow.
Thanks again for your input. Rewriting this is gonna be SUCH a bitch, but at least there's no time limit on it this time. Also, assuming the basic traits we gave the OC remain roughly the same (let's face it, basic traits are all that's even there)... do you have any ideas for a better name?
1700695 I threw in the necromancy idea.
1701991 Awesome. I was just about to run out of things to blame you for. Thanks!
1702055 Hey. You said you liked it.
1702064 Tell me the original idea was worse. I dare you.
1702072 Ok. The original idea was worse.
1702082 Say it like you MEAN it.
We're really doing this, aren't we.1702098 THE ORIGINAL WAS WORSE.
Yes. Yes we are.1700695
Sadly, not really. My brain isn`t wired like a child`s anymore. The best suggestion I can give is have it relate somewhat to his cutie mark (apparently fire).
I chucked Sacred Flame, shortly followed by Ignis. Again, just have it relate to his mark, and you`ll be fine... Hopefully. Maybe get a younger sibling or something if you REALLY want to get in the spirit of things.
Course, if you have one that calls him "flame horse" then you`re shit outta luck. Worse comes to worse, Google a random name generator.
1705500 Hmm. If we're going with fire I might need to change the title of the story. Maybe "Bathed in Fire" or "Dancing with Flames...?
I'm tired. I really shouldn't try thinking at night.
1705573
"Death of the Earth" isn`t a good title since... Well, it doesn`t involve the apolcalypse. Maybe "An End to Innocence" or something. Unless, of course, Mylla`s name means earth/dirt, then it makes sense to change his mark.
"Goodye halcyon days" is a saying of an end of peaceful times. If Mare`s making a storyline out of this, this is the best title I can think of at the moment.
1710063 We tried connecting him to the earth, hence the title.