First of all, i would like to personaly thank NyuuChanDiannePie from deviantART for allowing me to use his awesome picture as cover art.
This takes place in Equestria just before and during the Crystal Empire episode.
Introduction the the story
You are Blue Thunder, a pegasas pony. This is the story of your young adult life. Its a story of love and hate. Of romance and friendship. And of a battle for a loved one you never thought you would have to fight. This story is also about finding out who you are and discovering the truth about how you came to be, for nopony has ever seen your parents and you were first discovered in a crater with another colt just outside of Equestria. Anything between the *** *** is a flash back to a long lost memory. In these memories you are not a pony but a human.
This is my first story. Feel free to commit both positive and negative. This story has been sitting on my flash drive for a month now and i finally decided to spell check and publish it. I hope you all like it.
Disclaimer is way too long. I didn't come here for a ToS, I came here for a story.
My god! Alert the press!
i2.ytimg.com/vi/1zdWC9rHWmk/mqdefault.jpg
Okay, skimming through this, I can tell it needs some work. Spelling is okay, punctuation is passable, but you really need to work on your formatting. Namely, always start a new paragraph when someone new starts speaking. Example:
WRONG!
Let's try that again.
CORRECT!
That's just some basic advice. I'm sure other people are willing to do an in-depth review, but that's it from me.
Oh, by the way, heads up. You're likely to catch a lot of shit from people because of the whole 'Human OC is best friends with the Mane 6 for no reason' thing. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm not gonna upvote or downvote here, just giving a bit of friendly advice:
1. Try to spell-check/proof-read, etc. before you submit a story, don't say in your description that you'll fix spelling errors later. You get a story off to a not-so-nice first impression.
2. It's not really advised you use Pony Creator Images as a cover image, that can send off alert bells too.
3. Like someone else said, having your OC be a human who gets to Equestria who almost instantly is best friends with the Mane 6 is a bit too fast pacing - spread it out a bit.
4. If you feel a need to put an Author's Note in the description, put it after the description of the story itself, not the other way around.
Not much particular substance within this tale, is there?
First reaction: This strory looks good, I'll check it out.
Second reaction: 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
That pony on the cover looks just like a OC pegasus i'm writing just more angry and muscular.
Ezn's guide. Read it. It has useful advice on things to do and not to do. Also gives good examples of proper conversation grammar and formatting. The latter is especially needed, as right now, it is pretty much one big block of text.
Beyond that...
Second person, no, just no. If it is Blue Thunder's story, then let it be his. Second person has its uses, but this isn't one of them. If you hit a bookstore, for example, about the only thing you'd find in second person is "choose your own adventure" type of things, a situation where the reader is at least somewhat in control of the protagonist. On this site, you'll also find it used for some short clop stuff, for obvious reasons. For what you're doing though, you should be using third person.
The description needs work. You spend most of it apologizing and telling me you couldn't be bothered to proofread. That tells me not to bother to read the story, the exact opposite of what you want. The description should be like the back of a book, providing a bit of information to the target audience so they know what the story is about, and doing so in such a way as to make them want to read the story. Apologies and such can go in the first comment ;)
Your OC's name is the same as your pen name. A human in Equestria story. With romance tag. That's usually a combo that is a big warning sign of badness ahead. And that gets topped of with the Pony Creator cover image and the "first fic" comments. Nothing against the creator, great way to play with an OC design, but if you can, get an artist to draw it afterwards, as they can add a lot of little touches the creator cannot. The whole combination though tends to scream of "poorly written self insert". Again, the type of thing that means many people won't give your story a chance or go in looking for reasons to dislike it.
Show vs Tell is another thing you'll want to work on. There's a lot of telling going on and it makes for a bit of a dry read. Ezn's guide has a section on show vs tell that should help. Some people can do this easily, others, well, it takes practice. One of the weakest points in my own writing. Just got to try and get better at it, as it helps make for a longer and more compelling read. It does get easier with practice.
On the bright side, your first chapter wasn't barely 1k words (though it could easily have been 6k+ if less telly) and later ones are longer still. You've got a full story. So mostly just need to work a bit on formatting to make it easier to read, and then writing experience. That will come with practice. So write and have fun
HAIL THE MONOLITH.
timjarvis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Monolith_03.jpg
YOURS IS THE TEXTWALL THAT SHALL PEIRCE THE HEAVENS.
This seems to be a story about Blue thunder about Blue Thunder
executively produced by Blue thunder.Let me take you through a brief journey of what I felt (also called the seven stages of grief)
Chapter 1: Shock.
HOW IS HE DASHIE'S HUSBAND. What?...and he's the main six's friends? Already? Okay...okay? I think it's okay. He's suffered a concussion? Okay?/b]
~~
Chapter 2: Denial.
So this story doesn't exist, at all. We're all over the whole "hurr, dashie's my wife and I'm a human from another world". K? This is just a bad hallucination written down. That's all there is too it.
~~~
Chapter 3: Anger.
OKAY. I WAS WRONG. THIS THING DOES EXIST. AS PAINFUL AND TERRIBLE AS IT IS. OKAY, HERE'S HOW BAD YOUAS AN AUTHOR FAIL. YOU MISSPELL PREPARE. IT'S NOT PREPAIR. IT'S PREPARE. PRE-F**KING-PARE. THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER, IS 3K OF UNREADABLE STUPIDITY. THERE IS NO KIND WAY TO PUT IT. YES YOU PUT TIME AND EFFORT INTO THIS, BUT I CAN'T PROVIDE A DECENT REVIEW BECAUSE THIS IS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT LEARN TO USE PARAGRAPHS GODDAMIT!.
~~~
Chapter 4: Bargaining.
Okay. Look, I'll edit this for you if this is all a big misunderstanding with speech or language or whatever. Look, just either let me edit this so its not a self insert or just delete it. Please, just, please. I'm begging you.
~~~
Chapter 5: Guilt.
Okay, I'm sorry for yelling at you, I could have told this to you sooner, but...long lost sister called Rainbow Dash? Wait no, its the long lost sister called Sun? Okay, look, we can all work this out, and again, I'm really sorry, I really should have thought better of my actions, I feel terrible now.
~~~
Chapter 6: Depression
Oh my god. Please, please end me, right now. If you have gotten this far, chapter 6, CHAPTER 6 without acknowledging this error. Not only this, your contractions are terrible, your story writing is terrible, no one wants to read this. How did this get 12 upvots? How? Not only is my faith in humanity and the individual human being WRECKED, I am seriously SERIOUSLY considering just straight up dying. *Sigh* I'm too old for this shit.
Chapter 7:
TEMPLARS.
HopeAcceptance.~~~
Chapter 8: FUCK NO.
~~~
FUCK YOU
1759852 ...yep. TWE's SO dead. Civility just up and shot itself.
And I laughed and laughed every step of the way.
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/666/_57c8a1a431a592af806925e57258202f.png
1758604>>1759852
This story tarts in the middle of Blue's life. Hes been in equestria since he was a colt. He was adopted by a pegasis couple and met Rainbow and Fluttershy at flight school. If you read the story this would be explained.
1758543
i knew i would get a face full of shit about this. I came into this prepared in full riot gear, mask and shield included.
I realize this story isn't that good, but my next one is much better. Think of this one as training wheels.
HOLY WALL OF TEXT BATMAN!
YOU COULD STOP THE REAPERS WITH THAT SHIT. Please, tell me how I may make a wall of your quality so I may use it to save lives.
1760036 Now that I'm a bit calmer, I can respond to you like this:
I was probably the one person who read the entire thing:
None of it made any sort of sense. The large paragraphs made it impossible to read, the grievous spelling errors made it impossible to understand, and all the new elements you added just added more confusion.
this was all thrown together before work. i am working on it now so any feedback is good. i will try to remove the wall of text by tomorrow.
1760053
lol i enjoyed the rant. it actually made me smile. Im glad you calmed down. Like i said, this has been sitting on my flash drive for a month. I just got internet back on my computer and i just threw this story on before work. The spelling mistakes were much worse then they are now, trust me.
1760255
I can respect a person who can smile at something like the rant Iggy gave you. +5 respect points in my book.
Anyways, I'll give you a few pointers on what you should do to get the story more readable.
For starters, split up dialog into new paragraphs. Whenever a new person speaks, make it a new paragraph.
For example, here's a paragraph from the first chapter of the story that does not follow this approach:
As you can see, it's very blocky, and not very appealing to the eye. Makes people want to pull a TL;DR.
Now, I'm going to re-write this in a more comprehensible and grammatically correct manner that applies this principle:
As you can see, it's easier to read and flows better.
You may also want to put blank lines between paragraphs. This can, in some circumstances, improve readability, but is up to you as the writer. However, I strongly advise that you stick with one format for the whole story.
I would have used a bigger paragraph to offer a better example, but the paragraphs were too big for me to find one to use as a suitable example. Perhaps you should read some of the other stories on this site that are highly rated and well liked for a better example?
1760445
thank you for the tips. I will be unable to do any of this tonight but as soon as i have some free time i shale hack and trim till its as near perfection as it can be.
1760493
Sounds good. Pass me a PM or something once it's done and I'll give my best shot at a full review.
1760619
will do.
A few of the comments I saw seemed a bit hash. But I guess that's the kind of audience that'll make you grow. I'd be glad to proofread a chapter and point out a few things you might want to do differently.
Aside from that, I think this could be the start of a very entertaining fic!
1760711
dont worry about harsh comments. if it gets to mean ill just rain on their parade.
[img]C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Documents\My Pictures\Sample Pictures[/img]
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/12/2/T940hkKL60G9e2YEMazC-w2.jpg
ok so my second story is out. Its a Twidash called Best Friends Forever. its been out for 15 min and already gotten 4 faves so very high hopes for this one. The sequel to Best Friends Forever is out as well. it is titled Dash;s Secret. It has a twist. Check it out.
i attempted to fix all problems in these new stories and i believe i have so if everyone who gave constructive criticism wants to check it out to see if they can find anything else wrong i would be very grateful. I wil not be continuing the Blue Thunder sequel soon, HOWEVER i am writing a spin-off concentrating on Lightning Flash (Blue Thunder and Rainbow Dash's colt for those who didnt get to the end of this story.) It is based off a movie. I cannot remember the name of the movie but it has Tom Hanks in it. It is the one where he is on a fed-ex plane that goes down over the ocean and he becomes stranded on an island with a volleyball named Willson.
A few spelling errors but nothing even the best of us can avoid. Even though its only the first chapter im going to give you a thumbs up, if i already haven't. Ive have grown to love your stories and think each should be encouraged not put down. Keep it up comrade i hope you prosper with all other stories under your name and that you will become well known on Fimfiction for all the right reasons
Eventually i will get around to editing this wall of text, I'm just a little busy with other projects right now. I have at least 4 other stories being worked on including the sequel to this one and a spin-off of this one involving their son, Lightning Flash, which already has the first three chapters published. It's titled Cast away, and wouldn't you know it, its based off the movie Cast away (I'll say it again, arn't i good at comming up with titles XD)
I didn't care much about the wall of text. If you read a book you have the same damn thing.
I really enjoyed reading your story. Just work on some small grammar mistakes. (can happen to everyone)
I gave it a thumbs up and a fav.
Good Job.
I was going to read it but i got busy but im sure its great
HOLY WALL OF TEXT, BATMAN!