A Twidash fic with a sad ending. includes Scootaloo.
Chapters (1)
Blue Thunder
Joined 29th Nov, 2012 ·
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I had tears in my eyes while I was Writing the ending so hopefully that means its a good story. Hope you enjoy.
Dude, so many TwiDashes...
Haven't read your stories yet, but definitely watching you!
1770459 there alot of fun to write and their my favorite ship.
Wow, that description... it's so descriptive.
hmmm
shall keep track. 
1770477 i dont really know how to describe it without giving the ending away. Sorry, you'll just have to read it.
1770467 Read mine, maybe something will inspire you :)
*Glances at start*
Not doing this again on my own accord.
Fix the tenses.
1770509 Try reading it without thinking about all the negatives. Stories are more enjoyable that way.
Okay, will read it right now. I'll PM you with my thoughts about it
1770525
That may be so, but a good story is defined by not having any/many negative parts, and when said parts are every 5th word, it kinda grates on you after a while.
Also I will say a story is good, irrelevant of minor errors even though they are increasingly annoying, if I think it is good. I give up reading entirely if the whole thing just turns into an OCD war every other sentence.
1770541 Most people would get mad and think your picking on them. But i welcome your critism. it keeps me in check. I realize the value of a critic unlike so many others.
Capitalize "I".
Capitalize "Spike".
That's not a very Dash like thing to say.
Use bold or italics on this to make it more clear.
See above.
See above.
Why is it always Twilight who dies?
Question mark, not a period.
I'll
I'll, and when did Twilight's parents die?
All in all, the story went WAY too fast. It developed no characters, left me barely anytime to breath, and left me feeling... empty.
0/10 feels were felt. Good day to you.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9mczqgTFI1rb31rvo1_500.gif
1770541 Have you read yet? What are your thoughts?
Fine. Give me 5 minutes.
Also
Capitalised.
1770560 I'm sorry to hear that. And this is only the second one ive read or wrote that Twilight dies in. Usually i find ones that Rainbow Dash or BOTH die. I thought i was mixing it up a bit.
1770596 Hm. Well, my advice is to DEVELOPE the characters. Give me REASONS to feel bad. I mean, a death is fairly sad, but the characters felt cardboard and empty throughout the whole thing.
1770607
Things to work on
1. Character Development. Got it. anything else?
1770617 Yeah, your capitalization's fairly bad. Get a proofreader if you must.
1770629 I have one. Hes not online right now. He will be soon though. (I hope.)
1770636 Alright, because you made some basic capitalization errors.
I'm glad you're taking my advice.
Most people are stubborn idiots about it.
There were definitely some feels. It may have been a bit rushed, and I agree with Regidar. You try to do a lot for a one-shot, and some character development and expansion is needed. However, that said, considering it IS a one-shot, I enjoyed it (well, taking into consideration it is a tragedy piece, but you get what I mean, right? RIGHT?). On a completely unrelated note, I have to stop reading so many tragedy fics or I am going to implode in a fit of feels-induced-depression. Hope to see more of your writing later!
1770644 Like i said to M3lancholy. I understand the importance of a good critic. They help steer you in the right direction.
Actually now i'm a little worried about M3lancholy. He said to give him five minutes and it's been twice that. Hey buddy, you didn't get lost in the story did you?
I'm going to give him five more minutes before i pull my waders on and pull him out of the shit XD.
Ugh. Way too fast. I couldn't finish it. First they're dating, then BOOM! They have a daughter. Then, BOOM AGAIN! Twilight's dying. No, just no.
Here
Sorry, I died somewhere along the way.
This could have been dragged on a bit more and you could have gone into a lot more detail, I will agree with Regi that this is lacking the potential amount of feels that it could have. I'd recommend talking to someone during writing so you can get things done live rather than post-publishing.
Urk, it's hard to show comparisons on a pastebin, but when I read through it, the concept itself has been tried around many blocks and is reasonably successful, but when I read through some parts during an edit, some parts like:
I expanded this and changed the whole sentence basically, I'd advise you work on your descriptions and your continuation (again). Description can make or break a story is most cases, it changes it from being a mildly interesting work of fiction where a pony meets another pony and stuff happens, to Twilight and Dash deciding to adopt a foal, teaching her to fly over a winter filled with many happy times until Twilight Sparkle, happy mother and wife, is struck by a tragic illness and her wife and daughter are left to try and get through the hardships of losing a loved one.
General rule of thumb? After the first 3 'Five days later...' you are basically removing potential story material which makes the story much more realistic. Having looked over your other works, I'd go so far as to say that it was rushed and you were basically trying to churn out as many as you could as fast as you could. Quantity over Quality if you will. Please... don't do that.
Even if it's just you pacing yourself and you have to find someone over Fimfiction/Private message/IRC/something, get them to look over what you have written in your own time where you are not forcing the story, and get them to give you opinions, a pre read, a grammar check, and talk to them about filler material.
What I mean by the latter point applies for all three stories (Except for Dash's Secret... maybe), the story consists of Plot point to Plot point to Plot point to Plot point. There is no sense of the characters pacing themselves or the story developing, it is just a long string of action which happens to contain the main points of the story. There is no flesh around it, nothing to fill the gaps in as it were.
In conclusion:
-Have a read before you publish your chapters
-Get an impartial advisor to read before you publish your chapters
-Talk to your impartial advisor about said chapters
-Pace yourself, it's not going to do your own health any good if you are writing 3 stories every day.
-Talk nicely to a person who is willing to go through your story and offer their opinion about what could be improved/changed, basically point two.
~M3lancholy
P.S: Hopefully this is more useful as critique material and you can learn from it more than me telling you to change things. That is only going to annoy both of us in the short run.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(gets shot in the head)
metal scourge:sorry about that. what my master is trying to say very good story,sad,but good. please continue.and dont worry about master.he'll be fine
Woooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another one of your stories, was off for a while so i missed the grand publishing
but i can still enjoy it
1771422 glad you enjoyed.1771105 thanks for the info. i curse the story Plot Twist. Now every time someone mentions plot, i get draged back to that story. Whatever. Thanks for all the info, hopefully i can learn to just slow down. I think that,s where most of my problems come from. I just need to think it through a little more. (you died?)
1773174
That I did.
1774539 (Starts planning funeral<But wait, hes talking to me. O SHIT HES HAUNTING ME.>)
1775491
That is also plausible.
General note about things, I have a habit of going offline and 'dying' every so often. In the instance of last night, it was because I was laughing at someone else's misfortune over VOIP.
~M3lancholy
At the end I thought Dash was about to commit suicide... This was sad....