Cole Macgrath, the demon of Empire City, had been captured by Vampires and taken to their queen Bloody Mary. She turned him into a Vampire to use him but she left him to roam and destroy her children. Upon 'defeating' her in a crypt and burying the Vampires of New Marais with her. He gets transported to Canterlot and finds out that he is still a Vampire.
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I'm a little disapointed on how easily luna was able to defeat him.... I understand that he can't just kill luna at the start, but luna could not of ever done that.
I will still follow cause it was still pretty interesting
1760121
Hmm, sorry for disappointing you then.
1760141
Well its still a good story, trust me I don't really like ponies. And kind of like it when the humans fuck 'em up ya know :D
Still, good job!
Gherkin here, to investigate the source of those pesky downvotes!
First off, let me say I'm a huge fan of inFamous. Like, really huge. Huge as in also writing a semi-crossover of it right now. But I digress. Let's begin!
So it starts off with the ending of Festival of Blood, with Cole being apparently burned by the sun as a framing device for him being in Equestria. An obvious cliché, but it's usually either that or a random portal out of nowhere, so it's okay. Unfortunately, here's where we start to notice the flaws.
The story starts straight in the middle of the action, with absolutely no backstory or explanation as to the events leading up to it. To those unfamiliar with the events of the game, they're going to be left in the dark. We need some sort of explanation as to what's happening, even if it's just one sentence summarizing everything, like 'Cole's efforts to remove the curse placed on him had lead him here, to the crypt beneath New Marais' cathedral'.
Onto the basics of writing now. Your spelling and grammar all seems to be in order, but where the whole thing falls flat is in formatting. You need to remember to start a new paragraph for each speaker. For example, this:
Should become this:
Also, put some more detail into the action. At the moment, all it seems to amount to is, "Cole shot the vampires. Then he stabbed Bloody Mary. Then he did this. Then he did that." Describe the action some more, or it's going to get boring very quickly.
Finally, the characters. Zeke and Cole seem to be out of character. Zeke, for example, seems to react strangely to Cole's supposed death. I mean sure, he cries and beats the ground for a bit, but then he just gets up and leaves. Doesn't try to look to see if he survived. He's going off the fact that Cole didn't respond to assume he died.
Cole, when he arrives in Equestria, doesn't really seem to care when he realizes he's surrounded by ponies. He was kind of like, "Oh look, ponies. Oh well, better suck some blood." I mean, I know he's seen some weird stuff, but you'd think he'd react a bit more apprehensively than he did. For all he knew, they could have a completely different kind of blood that could kill him if he drank it. Also, how does he even know that they're ponies in the first place. I mean, sure they have four legs and hooves and all that, but when we see that, our mind tends to jump to the word 'horse' first. I don't know, I'm nitpicking.
Anyway, that's all from me. I hope you take some of my advice to heart, because I truthfully feel that, if pulled off right, it could be pretty good. For now though, it's a below-average, rushed along mess.
~Gherkin8088, the self-proclaimed Crossover Guy
1760454
again thanks for that
Ah thanks for something helpful, I'll fix it up a bit
her and ramming the pointy wooden end of the coffin lid he had defaced. Bloody Mary creamed as it struck home.
...I don't even know how to commentate on that.
1760792
Stupid errors, I'll fix it immediately, along with a few other edits
1760803...........can't....stop.......laughing.......
1760829
Errors fixed and story improved... Hopefully
No this is a story I can sink my teeth into.
Much batter :D
Yes, Yes! Let the inspiration flow through you and bring me more chapters.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png
The conversations need to be split up. It's a bit confusing when Luna switches to Cole in the same paragraph.
1804582
I'll see what I can do
are the CMC's gonna screw up? xD
Yes
Cole cant catch a break and is always seen as the bad guy.
make twilight pay
And all this is Twilight's fault. If she had just kept her temper, none of this would have happened :p
1829116
This is (Hero) Cole we're talking about, would he harm anything that didn't attack him first?
1832211 dosent have to be cole that attacks maybe something happens and what happened from cole's perspective is shown and twi feels like an idiot
1832875
I'll see how I can make it work. Thanks for that
That... is an amazing idea!
1832885 thanks i am full of good ideas and if i may self promote check out my story My Little Pony Eco is Magic
also in the spirit of christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate i give unto you a cuteness coma
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/12/5/b7hTzuUdkU6NzA0RygsgKw2.jpg
1832901
Yeah Derpy! Question, if I can't think of how, would you mind helping?
1832931 No i don't mind
Why dose no one or no pony give Cole a break
teh pnoeis r mean.
1860553
Well good sir, they saw Cole with dried blood and carrying an unconscious Twilight. If you saw that wouldn't you attack him?
1861765 mebbe.... mebbe noht. Lawl idunnowz... I meen, I'd gett pissd, but meh.... yah. Mebbe, mebbe noht.
(No my grammar does not infact suck that much.)
Moar!
this is awesome. i would love to see what shining armor would do if he saw Cole with twilight
1870590
I didn't think of that! 
I'll see what I can come up with 
Moar!
Not what I expected but brilliant
1873240
Shining is in the next chapter.
Oh ok
More more more.
' Outside Shining went up to one of the guards, “Razor wing, when they leave the throne room, I want you to follow Cole and report back whatever you find.” '
Razor wing? an inspiration? or a coincidence?
1919739
take it how you like bro.
1919760 Would it ruin the story if you told me if this Razor wing is a good guy or a bad guy? Or am i just forgeting a scene that already established that and I'm being dumb?
It seems Cole could have ridden in on a pale horse but chose not to.
1920475
Indeed so.
1919942
Don't know, what do you think?
well the changlinges are gonna go.good bye
Like this comment to see a preview of the next chapter
ugh dang. i know this is wrong but let twilight became a vampire.you know if that's alright with you though.
Yes let hear.
2773905
stache for a good idea
Hmm after the last chapter I could do an alternate ending...
2775853 yes do this thing
You might want to change these... I'd suggest:
delete
delete
change to then?
delete
3394103
Note to self... do edits when not half asleep... thanks for that
any other things I missed please feel free to tell me thank you