What is the story of the princess of the moon after her return to the kingdom? Was everything rose scent and moonshine as assumed? Or was it a harder way? Time can and will change everypony for certain, that's no lie.
Yet that raises the question for the mighty alicorn. A question that she had been asking herself for a long time. The question of: what can you do, when your other side is the side you need the most?
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Something I came up one day and will continue over time. This was made under the help of the song Lullaby of a Princess [Celestia and Luna Version]. Picture made by TehJadeh.
Chapters (5)
Hrm, not too bad. A bit short, but eh.
Usually, I'd use color-identification sparsely, using names mainly.
Kinda different feel to your style; I'd like to see how this develops...
1732377 This is only the first chapter my dear. I have planned quite the lot for this story. But I am glad you like it so far.
My style has been switching over the passed months, and we shall see that yes. Though I am not known with the 'color-identification' manner you mentioned. Then again, I do not know if it is commonly done where you are originally from.
~Rarity
1732394 Well for a first chapter, it's a good start.
By colors, I meant like placing the focus on a pony by describing the color...
I'd probably use a description of a pony's coat and mane initially to provide the image, but use their name/title afterwards.
Nice choice of colors, though. I actually had to look up phthalo.
1732410 I thank you again for your kind words my dear.
And excuse me, now I do see what you mean. I, have quite the history with using names and titles, mostly ending up in endless repeating of it... Some kind of odd writing tick I have. And about the colors, I had the MLP wiki open for that.
I like the style, I like premise, and I like the grammar. I
Love the story.
1732454 And I can not thank you enough for your kind words darling.
~Rarity
1732506
More than happy to speak them. I would offer you my editing services, but the story doesn't need them.
(I should shut up now, shouldn't I?)
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSIsMjAxMi8xMS8xOC8wMV8xMF81NF84ODNfMTU1NTk0X19VTk9QVF9fBjoGRVQ/155594__safe_spike_screencap_youtube-caption_too-many-pinkie-pies_yes.jpg
I hear featuredom.
1732517 0-0 W-wait, it doesn't need an editor?
That is a world first for me. (I leave that up to you, my dear.)
1732540 You think?
1732613
I guess it could use a wee little bit, but nothing much. Do I have your permission to screw up the story?
1732623 'Screw up'? C-could you just tell me what is wrong with it?
1732634
I was speaking of me screwing it up. I saw like 3 little errors with apostrophes and commas.
1732643 May I ask what those are?
“Just... Why...? What have I, done to deserve this...?
“Just... Why...? What have I done to deserve this...?
The moderate cyan eyes gazed once again on the moonlight coated throne as a small clapper of the glass shoes made their way to it.
The moderate cyan eyes gazed once again on the moonlight coated throne as the quiet clatter of glass shoes came nearer and nearer, from a barely perceptible noise to about the noise level of a mouse scurrying across glass floor.
The mare took place on the ever so mighty throne under a deep sigh, after one thousands years of rock this thing, was so unusual yet so familiar for the mare.
The mare took place on the ever so mighty throne under a deep sigh. After one thousands years of sitting rock, this thing was so unusual yet so familiar for the mare.
None of the guards dared to approach the mare but couldn’t stand the sight of her like this.
None of the guards dared to approach the mare but they couldn’t stand the sight of her like this.
But all the sudden the mare began to boil in anger as her face started to twitch slightly and it didn’t took long before she began to shout towards the moon, “Why am I even needed!?
But all the sudden the mare began to boil in anger. Her face started to twitch slightly and it didn’t took long before she began to shout towards the moon, “Why am I even needed!?
No guard... There, there is nothing.
No guard... There... There is nothing.
Trails of tears left the throne and walked up to the Alicorn as a small pool had created under her. “Please... Answer my cries... Just... Why?”
Trails of tears left the throne, but the guard waded through the puddles of tears that were already creating little streams and leaving the throne room. Before the guard could speak she said “Please... Answer my cries... Just... Why?”
Those were the few I saw.
There are quite a few grammar and punctuation errors. Also, you need to watch your capitalization: even the title has errors! It should be "On Nightmares and Moons." See the difference? You also use way too many ellipses. Your title should not have a period at the end like that.
Here are some basic things I noticed:
The heck is a phthalo? And you really don't need to tell us her eyes are a moderate cyan. Be decisive and definite. They're cyan, or they're not.
"Took" should be take. Your introduction of "the mare" is very awkward. I would suggest breaking it into another sentence, and possibly confirming that this mare is Luna. I was very confused the first time I read it. Finally, you can't stare "to" something. You can stare at it! But not to.
You do this a lot. See that comma? Axe it! You already used an exclamation point, making it useless. And remember, all punctuation goes inside the quotations.
As "always so wonderful" is modifying "looking," it should be "always-so-wonderful-looking." What do you mean by "under" a deep sigh? That's awkward phrasing. Try "sighing deeply," or "under a thick gloom." Finally, that last comma should be a period, as there is nothing in that sentence that leads into the dialogue.
Okay, I just looked up phthalo. Please, don't use that. Just say dark-blue. You're making it much more complex than it needs to be.
Try not to use "the mare" so much when referring to Luna. Using her name, or some other identifying, such as "alicorn," or "Princess of the Night," is fine.
Should be one-thousand-years. That comma isn't needed. While that "for" is technically correct, it is very awkward. Try "to."
Jeez. Luna sure does snap quickly. The way you're doing this seems very abrupt. Give us more details about what she's exactly thinking about. Yes, we know she doesn't think she's needed, but why? Give us examples! And if you're just going to have her snap in public like that, I would give her a trigger for it. Maybe some particularly intense thought...?
That exclamation should be a question mark. Try to cut down on the interrobangs (?! or !?).
Try "were shocked by."
See above. Period, not comma! Nothing leading into dialogue!
Try "questioning."
You're missing a "the" between "had" and "same." The "i" at the beginning of the thought should be capitalized.
It typically isn't very good form to use a word like "very" in front of an adverb. That "light" should be "lightly." Move that comma from behind "Are you" to behind "alright." Read the dialogue; doesn't it sound much more natural now?
"The" ears? Who's ears? Luna's? Tell us. The rest of the sentence sounds very awkward. Try: "but she made no other attempt at responding."
Awkward phrasing. "Princess, please tell us, what is troubling you?"
Not a problem this time, but a compliment: I like this. Nice wordplay.
The ground is given? Huh? Just say the ground.
That next "g" after the stutter should be capitalized as well.
Both errors are due to phrasing. I would change the first sentence to: "But as he stood there, a wind blew through his mane—although, it was not a normal wind." Separate the part about the tears into a separate sentence. I.E.: "A couple of tears fell on his head."
This went very fast. Give us more description! Use your five senses!
--
While better than many things I've read, this still has a lot of problems. I would suggest getting an editor. If you go to /fic/'s Training Grounds, I'm sure you can receive help there. We also have many groups on the site, such as: The Editor's Group!
Good luck, and keep writing.
-Dubs Rewatcher
Former TWE Reviewer
1732777 That is quite the lot, but I shall place it in the story. But also I thank you for pointing them out my dear.
That's not too many, but Dubs Rewatcher seems to have a pretty good list.
1732808 First of all, I thank you for searching up all the mistakes I made, I have taken the liberty to edit them into the story. But also allow me to give a couple explanations. First of all, my native language is not English, I am used to a different style of writing in my native language, but I try to do my best. That also explains the comma's when somepony says something. I got that hammered into me.
Second, the reason why Luna bursts out so easily will be explained later, for this is only the first chapter in the story. I set it on 'incomplete', it shall all be explained in time. (Meaning when I have time to write chapter 2)
And I truly need to get an editor ASAP, for 7 months doing it on my own, kinda wears on you. I shall have a look at the website you have given me.
And thank you darling, I shall keep on writing.
1732875 That he/she indeed has yes, but I am thankful for the both of you to be honest. For you both helped me with it.
If you want me to edit for you I definitely can, I just ain't the best.
1733141 It is alright my dear, Every single (or most) edit told to me as been processed into the story by this point.
1733157What I was meaning is that if you want me to edit stories you do in the future, I would be happy to.
1733227 Well if you wish to do so, give me a PM and then we can work things out.
(Joke) Alt. Title: On The Same Topic As Everybody Else
even though its the first page i want to cry
1903513 0-0 That is quite the unexpected turn of events.
i cant wait for the next one
1905507 Hopefully somewhere upcoming week, otherwise next week my dear. That is all I can say about it.
1914229
Can't wait for it
I like this If it does not go against the show it will be my headconnon
another good addition to a good story well done
1927570 I always keep my stories or at least the characters as close to the show as possible.
1927574 I am more then glad that you like it darling.
k
I sense what treachery will befall us
1947212 Sequel anypony?
1947241
Perhaps there may be