I was in my garden one late Saturday afternoon, picking some vegetables. After I picked two buckets full, I went inside and put them in a bowl so that they could be washed later, when I stepped back outside, I noticed the raspberry bush move slightly.
"What the..." I said. When I walk over the bush, something jumps out and I fell over. "Oooow," I say while rubbing my head. When I look up there's something staring at me. I think it's a horse with wings, to be more precise, a pony. Wait, WHAT!!! I examine the pony, and her colours are not normal colours for an Earth equine. I thought I was hallucinating, so I blinked twice, and sure enough, she was still there. "What in the name of God is happening?!" I realized I have scared her, so I try to calm her down.
"Hey," I say in a calm voice, "I didn't mean to scare you like that, I was just thinking out loud. Are you all right?" She mumbles a response, but I guess if she's speaking she all right. Wait, a talking pony? All this is becoming too familiar. So I ask, "What's your name?" thinking she might have one.
"Fl..tt..hy," she mumbles
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that," I said
"Fluttershy," I knew it, I guess watching all those My Little Pony episodes with my cousin might have paid off. It looks like it might rain so I ask
"Do you want to come inside?" With her being a fully sentient being I expected the answer "no."
"No, that's all right I have already trespassed on your property," she replies
"Well it looks like it might rain are you sure you don't wan't to stay?"
"No, but thank you anyway" and as she starts to leave, it starts to rain, heavily. I don't want her to get sick by being out in the rain so I go to catch up with her.
"You can stay at my house. It's raining pretty hard" I say when I catch up to her. I take notice that she's shivering. That's it, that's my breaking point. I will not allow an animal to get sick on my watch. I pick her up off the ground and start toward my house. Five minutes later, we arrive at my back door, soaking wet from the rain. When I step in the house I go get a towel for Fluttershy and quickly go upstairs to change in to some dry clothes. When I am back downstairs I help Fluttershy dry off. When I finish drying her I notice she is still shivering. I grab her a blanket from the closet and get her into the living room.
"Do you want anything warm to drink, Fluttershy?" I ask
"Tea, please" she quietly replies. I walk into the kitchen and make the only tea I have, Peppermint tea. I Turn the kettle on and start to wonder "how will she hold the cup?" I pull out my phone to see how cartoon ponies would hold it. With Google not helping, I just get a straw for her. I hear the click of the kettle and pour the water into the cups, then put the teabags in.
"Here you go," I say cheerfully
"Thank you..." She pauses "I don't think I caught your name."
"Oh, my names Byron"
"Thank you, Byron" With that she picks up the cup. What? Cartoon ponies work in mysterious ways. I look at the clock as it reads 5:30PM.
"Do you want anything for dinner, Fluttershy?" I ask
"What can you make?" she asks
"Just about anything with a recipe really," I reply. And with that I pull out my phone and look for vegetarian meal ideas, knowing full well equines don't eat meat. I find a good vegetarian meatloaf recipe calling for just about everything I picked from my garden. I open the fridge to see if I have any tofu. I keep it around because I have vegetarian friends. I wash the vegetables and start cutting them up. Once I had them at the desired cut width I put them in the bowl with the tofu and spices. I put the mixture in to a loaf pan and put it in the oven for 20 minutes at 450. I walk back into the living room and sit next to Fluttershy.
"So, Fluttershy, what brings you here?" I ask
"I was getting some food for my animals," she replies
"What kind of animals?"
"Small animals"
"Okay" For the next twenty minutes we talk about various things from animal care to the difference in politics between our worlds. An annoying tone came from my stove telling me that the time went off and it was time to take out the "meat"loaf. Fluttershy takes a look at it and says
"It doesn't look very good"
"My cooking tastes better than it looks" I say while putting the food on the table.
"Okay," she says. I cut it up into pieces and put them on plates and pulled out some forks
"Do you want a refill of tea?" I ask
"Yes, please" she replies. Surprised that that the kettle is still warm, I pour some water into her cup and give it a stir
"Thank you" We started to eat when my cell rang.
"Oh, crap," I say looking at the screen. It's my mother. "Hello?" It was the usual calling to say she missed me and wanted me to come home.
"Who was that?" Fluttershy asks
"My mother," I reply
"Why did she call?"
"To say she misses me"
"Why did you move out? You look 15," She asks
"I moved out because I couldn't handle the stress she was giving me" I reply
"I'm sorry that you had to go through that" she says sympathetically
"You don't need to feel sorry for me, but thank you" We continue eating in silence, both feeling equally awkward about that conversation.
NEW A/N I redid the the story! Tell me what you think now!
Hey there! It's Scribblestick again, here to look over your rewritten story!
Keep in mind that all my advice is meant to help you improve as a writer, not make you feel bad. Since you took the time to rewrite this chapter, I assume that's exactly what you want to do. So, let's get started!
>Buckets full. It's the bucket that's plural, not the 'full.' Actually, I don't think you can pluralize 'full.'
>"After I picked to buckets full" is called an introductory phrase. It's basically extra information that helps put the sentene in context. Whenever you have an introductory phrase, you should put a comma after it.
>You have a comma splice (run-on sentence). Each sentence should contain one thought or idea. Here, you have the idea of picking berries and putting them in a bowl, and you have the idea of going outisde and seeing the bush move. So it should read: "...could be washed later. When I stepped back outside..." Run-ons seem to be a common problem in this chapter, so look for those individual ideas, and make sure you don't cram more than one into a sentence (unless you connect them with a conjunciton (for, and, nor, etc.)).
>The sentence needs a period at the end.
>You seem to have a problem with shifting between past and present tense. This is confusing because I'm not sure when the story is taking place. This sentence should read, "When I walked over to the bush, something jumped out, and I fell over."
>"the the" typo
>When a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) connects two complete sentences ("Something jumped out" and "I fell over"), it is preceeded by a comma.
I like what you've done with Byron's initial reaction to Fluttershy. I know it's something I mentioned in my last review, and I'm glad to see you took it into account.
That being said, I think you can do a little more with the action. "I stumbled back" or something would make the image clearer.
>A mumble is barely audible by definition. Saying both is redundant.
>You missed the posessive 's, and "alright" technically isn't a word. "...she's all right."
>You don't need this comma. The question mark takes its place.
>... but you do need a comma here...
>... and this one should go inside the quote marks. In fiction, the ending punctuation is probably going to go inside the quote marks every time.
>The line break here makes the sentence confusing. The quote ("Do you want...") doesn't need to be in its own paragraph because it's still Byron speaking.
You're missing the occasoinal end punctuation. Double-check that.
>"Peppermint" isn't a proper noun, so it doesn't need to be capitalized.
>"Turn" doesn't ned to be capitalized, either.
>When attribution preceeds a quote (Spike said, "I like eggs."), you put a comma between the attribution and the quote. Also, the first spoken word should be capitalized. "...start to wonder, "How will she..."
>You still have some tense shifts.
>The second "at" appears to be a typo. Did you mean "as"? Or perhaps "and"? If you go with "and," put a comma before it.
>Byron doesn't seem to have a high vocabulary, so the use of "equines" seems out-of-character. Is there are reason you can't use "horses" or "ponies" instead?
>My concern now is that Byron has adjusted a little too quickly. I think he should still be in a state of shock and disbelief, and the writing should reflect that. Something like, " "So, Fluttershy, what brings you here?" I ask, still wondering if this was some kind of dream."
>Here, you do have a change in speakers, so Fluttershy's line should be in its own paragraph.
>One of writing's key principles is show vs. tell. Basically, this principle says that a writer should never tell the reader anything he/she show the reader. Here, you tell me Byron and Flutters felt awkward about the conversation Byron had with his mother. How can you show that? Well, the silence is a good way, and I think it's sufficient.
>While on the subject...
>How can you show this? My suggestion would be to write out the conversation Byron has with his mother and make her controlling or naggy or whatever (shown through the dialogue, not just stated). Byron's statement here is vague and, quite honestly, sounds like a whiny teenager first-world problem. Showing his relationship with his mother will help us connect with him more and possibly be more sympathetic to his plight.
>>Final thoughts<<
I think this is a huge improvement over the original draft, so kudos to you! I like the details you've added. They help flesh out the world and characters and really take me into the scene. Most of the suggestions I had were mechanical in nature. If you feel like you need help with them, I suggest finding a good proofreader.
Best of luck!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
1730530
Thank you for all the feedback. I made some edits before I left for school this morning.