Byron In Equestria

The story of my non-pony OC going to Equestria to invent the PC there.
More characters will be added as the story goes on
I hope everypony Enjoys this!
Cover art: My sister!

Chapters (7)

Meeting Fluttershy · 4th Dec 2012 · 1,000 words
1,000
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To Equestria! · 16th Dec 2012 · 871 words
871
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Stroll around Ponyville · 28th Aug 2013 · 2,528 words
2,528
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Celestia's Computer · 14th Feb 2014 · 1,119 words
1,119
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Equestria_Identification_Program.EXE · 14th Feb 2014 · 163 words
163
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Princess Luna's Computer · 11th Apr 2014 · 1,145 words
1,145
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Cell Service?! · 17th Apr 2014 · 922 words
922
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Comments ( 7 )

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Charming_Cresent

Charming_Cresent #1 · Dec 1st, 2012 · · · Meeting Fluttershy ·

NEW A/N I redid the the story! Tell me what you think now!

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #2 · Dec 3rd, 2012 · 1 · · Meeting Fluttershy ·

Hey there! It's Scribblestick again, here to look over your rewritten story!

Keep in mind that all my advice is meant to help you improve as a writer, not make you feel bad. Since you took the time to rewrite this chapter, I assume that's exactly what you want to do. So, let's get started!

After I picked two bucket fulls I went inside and put them in a bowl so that they could be washed later, when I stepped back outside, I noticed the raspberry bush move slightly.

>Buckets full. It's the bucket that's plural, not the 'full.' Actually, I don't think you can pluralize 'full.'
>"After I picked to buckets full" is called an introductory phrase. It's basically extra information that helps put the sentene in context. Whenever you have an introductory phrase, you should put a comma after it.
>You have a comma splice (run-on sentence). Each sentence should contain one thought or idea. Here, you have the idea of picking berries and putting them in a bowl, and you have the idea of going outisde and seeing the bush move. So it should read: "...could be washed later. When I stepped back outside..." Run-ons seem to be a common problem in this chapter, so look for those individual ideas, and make sure you don't cram more than one into a sentence (unless you connect them with a conjunciton (for, and, nor, etc.)).

When I walk over the the bush, something jumps out and I fall over

>The sentence needs a period at the end.
>You seem to have a problem with shifting between past and present tense. This is confusing because I'm not sure when the story is taking place. This sentence should read, "When I walked over to the bush, something jumped out, and I fell over."
>"the the" typo
>When a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) connects two complete sentences ("Something jumped out" and "I fell over"), it is preceeded by a comma.

I like what you've done with Byron's initial reaction to Fluttershy. I know it's something I mentioned in my last review, and I'm glad to see you took it into account.

That being said, I think you can do a little more with the action. "I stumbled back" or something would make the image clearer.

She mumbles a response which is barely audible

>A mumble is barely audible by definition. Saying both is redundant.

if she's speaking she alright

>You missed the posessive 's, and "alright" technically isn't a word. "...she's all right."

"What's your name?",

>You don't need this comma. The question mark takes its place.

"Fl..tt..hy"

>... but you do need a comma here...

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that",

>... and this one should go inside the quote marks. In fiction, the ending punctuation is probably going to go inside the quote marks every time.

"Fluttershy," I knew it, I guess watching all those My Little Pony episodes with my cousin might have paid off. It looks like it might rain so I ask
"Do you want to come inside?" With her being a fully sentient being I expected the answer "no."

>The line break here makes the sentence confusing. The quote ("Do you want...") doesn't need to be in its own paragraph because it's still Byron speaking.

You're missing the occasoinal end punctuation. Double-check that.

I walk into the kitchen and make the only tea I have, Peppermint tea. I Turn the kettle on and start to wonder "how will she hold the cup?"

>"Peppermint" isn't a proper noun, so it doesn't need to be capitalized.
>"Turn" doesn't ned to be capitalized, either.
>When attribution preceeds a quote (Spike said, "I like eggs."), you put a comma between the attribution and the quote. Also, the first spoken word should be capitalized. "...start to wonder, "How will she..."
>You still have some tense shifts.

I look at the clock at it reads 5:30PM.

>The second "at" appears to be a typo. Did you mean "as"? Or perhaps "and"? If you go with "and," put a comma before it.

equines

>Byron doesn't seem to have a high vocabulary, so the use of "equines" seems out-of-character. Is there are reason you can't use "horses" or "ponies" instead?

"So, Fluttershy, what brings you here?" I ask

>My concern now is that Byron has adjusted a little too quickly. I think he should still be in a state of shock and disbelief, and the writing should reflect that. Something like, " "So, Fluttershy, what brings you here?" I ask, still wondering if this was some kind of dream."

"Okay" For the next twenty minutes we talk about various things from animal care to the difference in politics between our worlds. An annoying tone came from my stove telling me that the time went off and it was time to take out the "meat"loaf. Fluttershy takes a look at it and says "It doesn't look very good"

>Here, you do have a change in speakers, so Fluttershy's line should be in its own paragraph.

We continue eating in silence, both feeling awkward about that conversation.

>One of writing's key principles is show vs. tell. Basically, this principle says that a writer should never tell the reader anything he/she show the reader. Here, you tell me Byron and Flutters felt awkward about the conversation Byron had with his mother. How can you show that? Well, the silence is a good way, and I think it's sufficient.
>While on the subject...

"I moved out because I couldn't handle the stress she was giving me" I reply

>How can you show this? My suggestion would be to write out the conversation Byron has with his mother and make her controlling or naggy or whatever (shown through the dialogue, not just stated). Byron's statement here is vague and, quite honestly, sounds like a whiny teenager first-world problem. Showing his relationship with his mother will help us connect with him more and possibly be more sympathetic to his plight.

>>Final thoughts<<

I think this is a huge improvement over the original draft, so kudos to you! I like the details you've added. They help flesh out the world and characters and really take me into the scene. Most of the suggestions I had were mechanical in nature. If you feel like you need help with them, I suggest finding a good proofreader.

Best of luck!