After a disconcerting tea party, Pinkie Pie struggles to find answers to her questions. Why was she here? what was she looking for? Every time she thinks she has found an answer, more questions float up. The creature giving her advice isn't helping, either.
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The setting and characterizations for this story are based loosely on a darker Alice in Wonderland theme. I had no intention of writing a crossover of any kind, but this scene just would not leave my head. Criticism, constructive or otherwise, would be greatly appreciated.
Chapters (1)
A little something to note:
Though this story carries the "gore" tag, there is very little in the way of violence and blood. It's more of a "disturbing imagery" tag.
Also, this story was self-edited, so if you find any spelling or grammatical errors, please don't hesitate to point them out. I'll do my level best not to hate myself for them.
Enjoy!
I'm kinda tied up with another project right now, but I plan on getting to looking at and offering some critique on this soon, maybe by the end of the weekend.
1901776 I look forward to it sir. Could use some critique, as folks don't seem to like commenting.
1942451
First and foremost, let me apologize for not getting to reading this earlier- I said LAST weekend, but I became lazy and distracted.
Dude... that is weird. I don't... I don't quite know what to say, except it's GOOD. I am creeped out and fascinated at the same time. Seriously, when I sat here reading, I was saying to myself, "This is weird, this is weird, soooo weird...." as I eagerly read through. I had to make myself slow down to read properly. As I mentioned on "Silently Underhoof," I am not a fan of the whole constellation of horror genres, but stories like this are a bright exception. The difference is that here the horror/gore (as you accurately said, minimal) are not on display to draw attention, like a child showing food he has chewed, but is a part of setting a tone/alternate world to tell a story. Huge difference, and you've used it to very good effect here.
Of course I recognize the Alice in Wonderland setting, but the rest of it is just out there, and I have NO idea where you're going with it, but I hope you find the time to continue. One thing I can say I love about it: The inversion of having Pinkie being the sane, rational persona. I think that's a great touch- sort of keeps everything off-balance and ineresting.
Let's see... You have a fairly concise writing style- not overwrought or flowery, but with a good flow. Vocabulary is very good, I don't see any misused words, or any misspellings. The dialogue between characters was very good, though at a couple of points I thought Pinkie might not be sounding quite like Pinkie ordinarily would- one or two of her lines seemed a little flat, but only when she was talking to herself. Gummy as the Cheshire Cat is masterful- the ludicrousness of that imagery fits perfectly both with the original Wonderland and with Pinkie's world.
Pacing was good, and the suspense... geez, you've managed to create the feeling that there's a TON more going on. Gummy's foreshadowing at the end was a great, great touch.
The poem was excellent- I'm not familiar enough with AiW to know if you adapted it from there or not; if it's your own, I love the way the second line in each stanza ends- I want to end it on a sort of half-beat when i read it.
How long did you spend editing/revising this after first starting it? It has a very polished feel. I really wish more people would read this, because you deserve more attention for the quality and effort you are putting into it. And if you're not putting much effort into it, you deserve some recognition as a natural.
Effing amazing. I've wanted to swear throughout this, but that's as far as I'll go.
I like the way you worded this story and the grammer and spelling all fell into place. I just feel like more can be expanded upon, such as seeing Pinkie's wonderland more or more about how she used this place as an escape