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Whiteeyes

Joined January 2012
25 followers

Stories (3)

  • The Twin Students of the Sun.
    Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's personal students, are sent to the town of Ponyville to oversee the Summer Sun celebration. What could go wrong? First fic of the Sunsetverse AU.

    16,371 words · 1,284 views · 106 likes · 0 dislikes
  • Adventures in Ponysitting
    Carrot Top is asked by a dreadfully ill Rainbow Dash to help Fluttershy. What could go wrong?
    8,932 words · 1,088 views · 63 likes · 3 dislikes
  • The World Ends With Pony
    When Noise begin appearing in Equestria, it's up to Neku and his friends to set things straight. This shouldn't be too bad...why are they ponies? And they have to keep it a secret? What else could go wrong? ...is that Taboo?
    6,789 words · 229 views · 7 likes · 6 dislikes

Blog Posts (6)


After one of the worst days of her life Carrot Top is asked by a dreadfully ill Rainbow Dash to help Fluttershy. Feeling sorry for the mare, the Element of Generosity agrees to help Fluttershy with getting the animals homes cleaned out. What could go wrong? Kidnapping, randsom, evil illusionists, and multiple musical numbers aside. Set in the Lunaverse, one of the more interesting alternate universes out there.

First Published
17th Nov 2012
Last Modified
6th Jun 2013

Comments ( 54 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

Hmm. I would advise putting in some page breaks at certain points. You know, ***s, or ---s. Like for example:

Fluttershy looked even more concerned at the note of visual hallucinations associated with vertigo. (What? She had to know this stuff if she's going to be taking care of animals.) “You know what, why don't we go inside where it's nice and safe and clean out the fish tanks well away from Mommy Badger?” she sugested with a smile, glad that this way there would be no further problems.

---

^^^^

Like this. It eases scene trasitions.

“And so how did she fall into the badger den that time?” Dr. Caduceus asked.

Otherwise it got a little confusing trying to keep track of the scene changes. Also there's a few spelling mistakes, not a lot, but enough that the othewise good writing made them stand out.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

"randsom" in the description is not a good start. Can't comment on the rest since i only read Lunaverse stories once they're complete.

#3 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

Emailed a list of spelling errors, I like doing it that way better than posting in notes.  I agree with RDD on the scene translation marks, but I think the "And so how did she fall into the badger den that time?" line is a classic.

#4 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

Hm...Only real complaint I have is that you need a proof reader. Badly. Otherwise, not a bad start. Though this story better be as ridiculous as that description promises.

#5 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

What could go wrong? Kidnapping, randsom, evil illusionists, and multiple musical numbers aside.

You're making some big promises. Don't let me down. :trixieshiftright:

So far, I have to agree with Spammy. You really need someone to look this story over. Other than that, the very idea is funny, and you did a good job capturing the evilness of badgers. Accursed little thinks and their false cuteness...

#6 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

Lots of telling.  Not much showing.  Really needed to dialog out the scenes and let them develop more naturally and this story instantly jumps up rather substantially in quality.  A few spelling and grammar errors as well.  Overall, was OK, but really could use some work.

#7 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

More proof reading would be good, but I'm really enjoying this story! I like that little scene of how dysfunctional the Farmers' Union is. Continuing the theme of Carrot Top being overworked and not very good at saying "no" to ponies is great. She really is a very helpful pony.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

HA! I love Windowpane here. Hilarious.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 3d ago · · ·

I do feel there should be more showing and less telling but you have a great deal of skill with scenery descriptions, some spelling/grammer wouldn't hurt but besides that... Let the good times role!

Loved CTs little "worse" rant especially the green mane and... parents line :pinkiesick:

a good demonstration of CTs generosity with the badger.

I think quite a few of these paragraphs couple be broken into two.

:rainbowlaugh: Poor CT couldn't even start her meal without being asked for a favour.

  She wasn’t looking at Carrot Top so much as in her general direction, and it was getting more general by the minute.  

Loved this part!.

Dash is really sick then, guess that also explain why we likely won't see much of her this fic.

  Fun fact about mother badgers: they have been known to fight off grizzly bears when their young are threatened.  

:rainbowlaugh:

I think Fluttershy's vocabulary could have used a small amount of tweaking but only a little.

Loved the chicken hunt and CTs... steady decline into hunter mode :pinkiecrazy:

CTs mirror scene allows me this reference!

and the title allows me this: "All it takes is one rotten day to send a perfectly normal mare into madness!" if this were a t.v series there's be a JokerTop meme.

Loved the windowpane and Trixie/window jokes at the end.

#10 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 2d ago · · ·

Have to agree about the proofreader. Lots of typos. But still entertaining. Carrot Top makes a beautiful woobie, doesn't she?

#11 · Chapter 1 · 87w, 2d ago · · ·

I'm aware I need help. I tried getting a prereader but it all kinda fell through and after a week I went "Buck it!" and went ahead anyway. Editing suggestions are welcome.

>>1636182 Thank you, I'm very proud of that line myself.

>>1636263 Badgers are vicious, so I do enjoy showing how scary nature is. And don't worry, the first musical number is next chapter.

>>1636353 One of the ideas I want to address in this story is when it's OK to say no and why you need to sometimes. A bit of a complex subject.

>>1636509 I based it off that actually. Watched it three times before deciding to tone it down a bit and writing the scene.

#12 · Chapter 1 · 86w, 2d ago · · ·

Proofreader, yes. Good  to read you're aware of that, at least. *Nods* And... I'll be wincing a lot, won't I. *Hugs Carrot Top*

#13 · Chapter 1 · 86w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1683849 Probably. I haven't gotten to the corrections yet, too bussy hosting Thanksgiving. Still, I think I'm doing a bang up job for a dyslexic. And yes, if this is making you wince, there shall be much wincing.

>>1637484 I have not yet started to really make her suffer. Don't worry, everyone suffers in my stories.

#14 · Chapter 1 · 86w, 10h ago · · ·

I'll admit, I'm a fan of slapstick humor. I grew up watching the Three Stooges and MXC. But this just seems mean-spirited. I think the badger hole was overused, honestly. I get that badgers are vicious, but you need some variety or it gets bland. Also, somepony besides CT should be involved.

Also, Carrot Top didn't have the heart to evict a mother badger? Yet in the next scene she notes they have a tendency to fight off bears? Seems she should be a bit more nervous than compassionate.

I understand that you're working on the edits, but if you need a proofreader, I'm willing to do it.

#15 · Chapter 1 · 85w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1696917 Yeah don't worry. The badger thing was an opening gag following the Rule of 5, the lesser used sibling of the Rule of 3. It won't happen again.

Also, yeah I am going out of my way to kick CT this chapter. It's set up for later.

#16 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

:fluttershysad: Poor Carrot Top! Did she offend the God of Slapstick or something? :fluttershyouch:

She's so nice too and then suddenly BADGERS!!! That one in her field should at least be more grateful! :flutterrage:

Also slight nit picking:

“Well Representative, are you happy with the job I did?”
Windowpane and Trixie see each other enough to be on first name basis so you can simple have him call her Trixie.

#17 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

>>1746725 Windowpane is a professional, and he was on the job. Admirable work ethic there.

#18 · Chapter 1 · 83w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

Carrot Top's nightmares for the next month or so:

#19 · Chapter 2 · 76w, 13h ago · 1 · ·

Poor CT....

#20 · Chapter 2 · 76w, 13h ago · · ·

"The day I go to the Gala with him is the day I marry Corona." she thought, bemused by the stupid image of Corona dressed up as a blushing bride while Trixie wore her...usual Gala get up. But then the image passed and she was bored again.

That's it! Celestia just really, really needs to get laid.

Oh, wait, it's Trixie, so never mind.

Edit: Speaking of which, it's kind of weird reading Trixie go on about liking stallions, since I'm so used to the idea that this version of her doesn't like anybody romantically, and is very adamant about that. Other than that, funny chapter and I liked the song at the end. It's just a shame that CT was too upset with the world in general at the time to actually give Trixie a chance to re-work the spell.

#21 · Chapter 2 · 76w, 9h ago · · ·

I thought Lunaverse Trixie was borderline asexual.  

#22 · Chapter 2 · 76w, 9h ago · 1 · ·

I think she assumes she's into stallions 'cause she doesn't realize asexual is a thing.

#23 · Chapter 2 · 76w, 9h ago · · ·

>>2081655 You got it. Happens all the time IRL, or else they assume they're homosexual because they aren't attracted to the oposite sex "like they should be". For a lot of us, asexuality existing is a giant "Oooohhh" moment. It was for me anyway. I knew I wasn't gay, and figured I just hadn't met a girl that caught my interest.

#24 · Chapter 2 · 76w, 7h ago · · ·

>>2081673 Hee. I used to think I was asexual when I was in my rebellious teenage phase, but then I got over it. At the age of 28. :derpytongue2:

#25 · Chapter 2 · 75w, 5d ago · · ·

Great song. Poor Carrot Top, too. :applecry:

#26 · Chapter 2 · 75w, 5d ago · · ·

Trixie's rambling could use a few commas, but this chapter is much better than the first, grammaticalally speaking.

I guess everyone has a berserk button, and after having badgers press hers all day, Trixie's screw-up was the metaphorical straw that broke the camel's back.

#27 · Chapter 2 · 75w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2090349 That's the idea, although comas aren't strictly necessary in a grammatical sense; the ramblings are already run on and fused sentences.

>>2089611 Thank you. My own nonponyfied work. I call it For Number One (Generosity's Lament). If the title isn't a clue to something that happens later on, I don't know what is.

#28 · Chapter 2 · 75w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

Oh no. Make way for Carrot Jerk! She really does push herself too hard for her own good, sometimes. I feel for her.

Wait, Carrot Top! I moustache you a question! :moustache: I know, I know, but somepony had to say it.

#29 · Chapter 2 · 74w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2081476>>2081655 From what RDD has said, it sounds like Trixie is asexual, but heteroromantic. So, she'd like dating stallions, as long as that's as far as it got.

Anyway, nice chapter. Poor Carrot Top.

#30 · Chapter 2 · 74w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2116519 Correct. One of the reasons I included the line "I like stallions" and didn't have her freak out about not liking either or the like. She's perfectly capable of forming platonic relationships, but romantic is probably out of the question.

#31 · Chapter 2 · 74w, 20h ago · · ·

wow, discord isn't even needed in this continuity; just a random series of unfortunate events

#32 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 6d ago · · ·

Calling it now, she totally fails to stab herself and instead stabs pokey in the butt.

#33 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 6d ago · · ·

holy crap, this got dangerous.

...../popcorn

#34 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 6d ago · · ·

Thought I'd fix your synopsis for you :scootangel:, it had some errors:

After one of the worst days of her life, Carrot Top is asked by a dreadfully ill Rainbow Dash to help Fluttershy. Feeling sorry for the mare, the Element of Generosity agrees to help her with getting the animals' homes cleaned out. What could go wrong? Kidnapping, ransom, evil illusionists, and multiple musical numbers, for a start. Set in the Lunaverse, one of the more interesting alternate universes out there.

#35 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 6d ago · · ·

Trixie...stabbed herself?

Well this should be intriguing.

#36 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2683879

That or she cut herself while drunkenly trying to shave her head in a crazed attempt to make Carrot Top feel better about her baldness.

#37 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2682739 Then why would Pokey be worried about being sent I the sun?

>>2683029 I know! I like to think of this as the commercial break before Act 2.

>>2683663 Thanks, I'll work on that later.

>>2683879 Zombie ghost!

>>2683977 ..............................nooooooo.:applejackconfused:

#38 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 5d ago · · ·

Okay, evil cliffie. *Brandishes large stick* Could use some editing here and there, but otherwise not too bad.

#39 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2684351 Because Trixie is nothing if not a capricious and silly pony and I can totally see her blaming him for getting in the way and preventing her from doing away with her terrible self.

#40 · Chapter 3 · 58w, 2d ago · · ·

>>2685157 Yeah it was kinda cranked out in a hurry over a few hours to make up for the wait. Still the next chapter will be up much faster...except it won't resolve the cliffhanger as that's for the last chapter...NOT THE FACE!

#41 · Chapter 3 · 57w, 18h ago · 2 · ·

Thinkin' Trixie is a zombie...bunch of superstitious hooie!  We all know whats really at work here...ghosts! Commie ghosts who dont knows their dead, trying to steal our rockets to get to the moon!:pinkiecrazy:

#42 · Chapter 3 · 53w, 6d ago · · ·

Good!:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::moustache:

#43 · Chapter 3 · 47w, 6d ago · · ·

More writers need to add authors notes with various facts about their writing topic of choice.

#44 · Chapter 3 · 47w, 5d ago · · ·

>>3084364 I know! And we have such a convenient tool to do it with to boot!

#45 · Chapter 3 · 27w, 3d ago · · ·

Haven't read this yet. Is it still alive?

#46 · Chapter 3 · 27w, 17h ago · · ·

>>3770726  Sort of. I'm a rather slow writer, and I have college courses, so updates are glacial.

#47 · Chapter 3 · 27w, 17h ago · · ·

>>3786422

I understand, school comes first. But I'm just glad that this story isn't dead. Best of luck to you ^_^.

#48 · Chapter 1 · 21w, 1d ago · · ·

BAHAHAHAHAAA! I have been laughing my sides off for the entire chapter, especially the last part with Windowpane, looks like he is going to recieve a large amount of money for taking care of all the new windows after this.

#49 · Chapter 1 · 21w, 1d ago · · ·

>>3996518 Glad you like it so far. Enjoy the rest of the story, update coming soon!

#50 · Chapter 2 · 21w, 1h ago · · ·

>>2096530

Really? Did you seriously just make that pun? Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant, but after Carrot Top got a mustache, I don't think she's apprecitate it all that much.

Isn'tthat supposed to be a Villain Song? Either way, it fits Carrot Top, she's been nice, she's been generous, and what does life do to her? Life screws her over, these guys don't even NEED Discord for chaos.

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