Mingling Worlds
Chapter I: She Who Rules the Night
Nightmare Moon slammed Celestia against the rough stone walls of her prison cell, a tempest of fury and anger in her draconic eyes. Celestia slid down the wall and came to a rest at her tormentor’s armored hooves, her dull pink hair falling in dirty clumps on and around her face. The greying alicorn who had previously been asleep before the assault weakly opened an eye and looked up at the glowering beast before her.
“Good morning Luna,” she smiled loosely, her voice a rasp whisper. “Or is it afternoon? It’s so hard to tell nowadays.”
Nightmare Moon stomped her hooves and snorted in angry protest. She had very little patience tonight and she was in no mood for Celestia’s petty attempts at sisterly love. The miasma of stars and clouds that was her mane reached down and circled around the alicorns neck just above the inhibitor collar that disabled her use of magic. It tightened its grip and raised Celestia so she was at eye level with the black alicorn. “Do not play games Celestia! I am on to you! I saw a vision, a prophecy! I saw the sun!” Her voice and anger rose as she continued to speak. Her magical grip tightened around Celestia’s neck, yet the prisoner’s face remained insensible. “I don’t know how you did it but I know it was you! You were hiding those wretched little rats! And I bet it was you who showed them how to do that horrible magic of yours during their pathetic revolution!" Nightmare Moon’s breaths came out in slow seething gasps as if she had just flown a great distance.
Celestia merely stared at her, or rather through her. Her eyes were locked onto her sister’s, yet they were unfocused and vacant. “Oh, Luna, you used to be so pretty,” she said dreamily. Her front hoof rose to stroke Nightmare Moon’s face, but the chains holding her to the wall snapped tight before she made it even a quarter of the way.
Nightmare Moon hissed and slammed her against the wall multiple times before holding her up to face level again. Celestia for her part had not made a sound. She was used to the physical violence inflicted by her sister; she had endured it for the better half of a millennium. In all honesty Nightmare Moon was being rather lenient today. Celestia met the black alicorn’s harsh glare with her usual distant look, as if she were daydreaming. “Why are we fighting Luna? We can still talk this out; it’s not too late for you…”
The end of her proverbial rope reached, Nightmare Moon flung Celestia onto the ground with an enraged shriek and lowered her horn. It glowed with a sinister shade of blue, so dark it was almost black, and let loose a bolt of lightning into her captive’s body. Celestia screamed in agony for a few seconds before merely twitching and convulsing violently on the cold stone floor. Nightmare Moon kept up the onslaught for a few more seconds before cutting the flow of magic. She let Celestia twitch helplessly on the ground for a moment before grabbing the alicorn up in her mane. Celestia’s head went limp in the magical choke hold. She leaned to one side, a pained smile on her face.
Nightmare Moon shook her violently to drag her out of her stupor. “Are you willing to talk now sister?”
Celestia slowly raised her head once more. Her pupils were wide and moving erratically. After a moment they returned to their original size and distant expressions. “Good morning Luna. Or is it afternoon? It’s so hard to tell nowadays.”
Nightmare Moon let out a snort of frustration and threw Celestia against the wall. “Worthless,” she spat. Before turning and existing the prison cell.
The empress of the night slammed the door shut behind her and stood in the pitch black corridor. She took a deep breath and began to organize her thoughts. The last hour had been a whirlwind of emotions, most of them anger and frustration. But there had been a brief instance of fear as well. Nightmare Moon closed her eyes and replayed the day’s earlier events in her head trying to understand what she had just seen.
******
Earlier…
******
The throne room was silent save for the patient tapping of a hoof against the velvety purple carpet that ran from the door and up to the ebony throne. The room was sculpted entirely from polished silver which gleamed bright in spite of the dim lighting given by the blue fire in the braziers lining the wall.
Nightmare moon sat calmly on her throne, her hoof tapping in a steady rhythm; eyes locked on the ornamental door across from her. She was expecting good news to come through that door. News of death and destruction. News that her enemies had finally fallen and nothing could challenge her rule again. The very thought sent a wave of emotions through her.
The empress closed her eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself; but she could not ignore the feelings of anger and annoyance rising in her chest. How had they managed to elude her for an entire century? How could they hide an entire village? She slowly shook her head, her billowing mane waving in contrast to her movements. She opened her eyes and allowed herself a smile revealing her sharp fangs. It did not matter anymore, they had finally slipped up. All it had taken was one unwise foal to wander off into the hooves of her soldiers; now she had them all cornered.
Yes, soon the unicorns would be nothing but a fairy tale.
Nightmare Moon’s smile grew wide across her face splitting from ear to ear in triumph. This was the inevitable outcome of all those who would stand against her. She would deliver death, as much death as needed to teach the intended lesson, and for the unicorns that amount was extinction. The lesson being, never try to raise the sun. The empress shuddered at the very thought. Had these ponies not learned during her rule? The night was absolute, no pony could change that!
The alicorn’s thoughts were disturbed by a loud knocking against the throne room doors. She stood up, excitement pumping through her causing her heart to race. She looked down from her dais to the two guards standing by the door. With a curt nod the earth ponies grabbed the handles and pulled the large door open.
A lone unicorn emerged from the cluster of shadows just beyond the door. He kept a slow even pace as he crossed the room, his steps heavy from the thick steel armor he wore, his head bowed the entire way. He stopped in the pool of light provided by the full moon from the skylight above and dropped to his knees in a bow. “Your Majesty,” he rumbled.
Nightmare Moon nodded. “Rise and speak Sombra.”
Her archmage, Sombra, was one of the few exceptions to the merciless onslaught she had given the unicorns. He had served her very faithfully over the last one thousand years, ever since she had freed him from his icy prison.
The dark unicorn rose, his red eyes locked on to the imposing regal creature before him. He cleared his throat before speaking, “Forgive me Your Grace, but they managed to catch wind of our assault before we arrived. Most had fled by the time we got there; however, we did manage to catch three.”
Silence. An all-consuming silence filled the hall causing the guards to drop to the ground in fear of their master’s wrath. Nightmare Moon pierced Sombra with a stare that would have given any normal pony nightmare so horrid and vivid, they would have begged for death. Sombra however, did not flinch under the mental assault and if he had any fear he did not show it.
Finally, after what seemed like a grueling eternity, Nightmare Moon spoke in a deadly whisper. “Three, Sombra?”
Sombra dropped to the floor in a low bow once more, his nose almost touching the ground. “Please forgive me Your Eminence. I-” His sentence was cut short by Nightmare Moon’s mane coiling around his neck and flinging him against the wall leaving a remarkably sized dent in the silver.
“YOU IDIOT!” Nightmare Moon roared. “HOW COULD YOU ONLY CAPTURE THREE UNICORNS!?” Her body evaporated into a cloud of stars and reformed in front of a staggering Sombra. She raised her hoof and pinned him to the wall by his throat. “You’re the second most powerful mage in the world and you let them slip through your hooves… how?”
Sombra’s face remained impassive. “The same way we were not able to track them for the last century?” he growled in a monotone voice.
Nightmare Moon’s eyes began to glow in white hot fury. Sombra felt his body rise into the air, no longer supported by the alicorn’s hoof. Trapped in her magic, Sombra’s body slammed against the tiles; once, twice, three times. With each impact Nightmare Moon screamed, “Insolent. Little. Foal!” She released him on the fourth drop at which another dent was created in the floor. Sombra quickly stood up and faced his empress who was gritting her teeth in frustration. “There will be punishment, Sombra!”
“Understood… Your Majesty.”
Nightmare Moon took a deep breath before continuing, “Very well, tell me then how you managed to capture these three in particular.”
Sombra cleared his throat again. “Two of them were too busy trying to make sure everyone escaped in time to save their own flanks. The last one came to us actually in a, ahem, noble attempt to save ‘mommy and daddy.’ The effort might have been touching if it hadn’t been so ridiculous.”
“I take it that you captured them alive?”
“For interrogation, yes.”
“Very good, bring them in.” Nightmare Moon made her way across the throne room and stood In front of the dais awaiting her new prisoners.
Sombra raised an iron clad hoof and stomped on the silver floor twice. The sound echoed throughout the chamber and out through the open door.
Three pegasi in midnight blue armor came through the door in a delta formation. Between them were two adult unicorns and a filly, all looking terrified. The pegasi brought them into the circle of moonlight and forced them to kneel; a back hoof in-between their shoulders and a spear at their necks just above the inhibitor collars that had been placed on them.
Nightmare Moon sized them up before speaking. “So, you thought you’d play the ‘valiant heroes’ and save everypony else from my wrath? Well, all you’ve done is bought them precious little time,” she sneered.
The stallion spoke first, inching his head up just a few centimeters to better see his empress. He was a blue unicorn with a cutie mark of a large crescent moon with a smaller one inside it. “Please Your Majesty; we just wanted to live a normal life.”
“Hah,” Nightmare Moon scoffed. “If that were true you could have simply-“
“Where’s our son?” the mare interrupted. The black alicorn eyed the offending pony before her. She had a silver coat and her mane and tail were striped purple and white. There was a fire burning in her eyes, the fire of a protective mother.
“Your son?” Nightmare Moon mused. “You mean that darling little colt belongs to you? Such irony; though I would be more worried about yourselves if I were you.”
The fire in the mare’s eyes intensified as she jumped to her hooves, stunning the guard with her sudden feat of strength, and screamed, “YOU TELL ME WHERE- GAH!”
The pegasus had guard quickly recovered from his shock and struck the butt of his spear into the side of the mother’s head eliciting cries of horror from her family. “No one talks to Her Imperial Majesty that way,” he growled. He moved his spear back to her neck, pressing the tip into her skin so it began to draw a trickle of blood.
Nightmare Moon stepped into the circle of light, her sapphire armor sparkling in the moon’s glow, and leaned down into the mare’s face, a look of vast superiority on her own. “Do not worry, he’s in good hooves. You might be able to join him if you just answer a few questions.”
The silver mare glowered at her. “We don’t know anything.”
“I highly doubt that,” Nightmare Moon continued in a calm even voice. “Now tell me, where did the others run off too?”
“I don’t know.”
Nightmare Moon quickly backhoofed her across the face causing the spear against her neck to jerk forward slightly and open a small cut across her neck. The purple filly next to her screamed, “Mommy!”
The mare turned her head and tried to give her a daughter a brave smile despite the blood trailing from her lower lip. “It’ll be alright, Twilight, I promise.”
Nightmare Moon snorted in mild amusement before continuing her interrogation. “Tell me what the unicorns are planning.”
“We don’t have a plan.”
SMACK
“Please Your Majesty,” the stallion cried, “we really don’t know anything, she’s telling the truth!”
The Empress of the Night raised her head up and smashed a hoof against the floor shouting, “Lies! If that’s true then how did you know my troops were coming!?”
“I- I can‘t really explain it. It was just like, a voice in all of our heads, telling us to run; that trouble was coming.”
Nightmare Moon raised an eyebrow and snorted again, “You expect me to believe that?”
“It’s the truth Your Majesty! Please just let us be!” he pleaded.
Nightmare Moon grinded her teeth, her patience wearing dangerously thin. She had been so close to victory only to have it snatched from her hooves by some mercy of fate. No, she decided; she would get answers one way or another!
She looked between the mother and father unicorns, a devious grin forming on her face. “Alright, perhaps you just need a little... persuasion to loosen your lips.” She gave a nod to the middle pegasus pinning down the filly named Twilight. He nodded back and raised the spear high over his head, the point aimed directly at the back of the foal’s skull.
“You have three seconds to tell me what you know or the adorable little filly meets an early death,” she said in a calm whisper.
Three sets of eyes widened in horror. Twilight’s breath began to quicken, her eyes darted back and forth between her parents. “M-mom, dad?” she quivered. Tears were already falling down her face.
“Shhh, don’t worry Twilight, mommy’s here, everything will be fine,” her mother soothed, reaching a hoof over to comfort her.
“Please don’t do this!” the stallion cried, his trembling voice becoming louder. “We don’t know anything; we were just trying to live our lives!”
“One,” Nightmare Moon began counting down.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna die!”
“It’s going to be alright sweetie. You’re going to be fine I promise.”
“Two.”
Mommy I’m scared!
“PLEASE YOUR MAJESTY, SHE’S JUST A CHILD!”
“Three, kill her.”
“NOOO!” both parents yelled.
Twilight screamed as the spear began to come down. Her horn lit up and emitted a bright light suddenly throwing the pegasus off of her. The inhibitor collar around her neck made several loud cracking noises before falling off to the floor. She floated into the air, her eyes completely white from the magic flowing through her; her horn glowing brighter with each passing second.
The two remaining pegasi guards retreated back towards the doorway where the other two earth stallions watched with rapt attention. Nightmare Moon even began to back away from the small unicorn. “What sorcery is this?” she cried just as a raging wind began to howl around Twilight.
Sombra, who had remained silent and impassive throughout the interrogation, pointed up to the air above the filly’s head. “I believe she’s creating something!” he yelled over the rising tempest.
All eyes locked on the space Sombra had pointed to where sure enough, a ball of bright light had formed and was continuing to build. Nightmare Moon squinted her eyes as the ball’s luminosity became increasingly unbearable. Shielding her face with a wing, the alicorn began to step forward, determined to stop the small foal before she could unleash her spell. She had only made it two steps before a loud tearing noise echoed throughout the throne room. There was a sudden pressure and the next thing Nightmare Moon knew she was on her back, yards away from the large sphere of energy which had begun to ripple like a disturbed pond.
An image formed, faint at first as if viewed through a foggy mirror, but it quickly came into focus followed by a cacophony of noise and sounds. Nightmare Moon stood up and gazed upon the odd visual display. Inside the sphere, hundreds, if not thousands of colorful ponies were gathered around a decorative stage. Banners and streamers of red and gold adorned it, and on the main banner just overhead the center of the stage was a design of an orange ball with eight curling spines that looked like the embers of a fire. Nightmare Moon narrowed her eyes at the familiar symbol as a thousand thoughts began to race through her head.
A well-dressed stallion proceeded to walk onto the stage and the crowd instantly fell silent. He began to speak, his voice resounding through the silver hall as if he were in there personally. “Ladies and gentlecolts, welcome to our 988th Summer Sun Celebration held this year in our lovely capital city of Canterlot!” There was a chorus of loud cheers and applauds before the noise settled down enough for the stallion to speak again. “Now without further ado, I give to you our benevolent ruler, our guiding light, bringer of the dawn, and protector of Equestria… Princess Celestia!”
The crowd erupted into noise once more as the stallion bowed off the stage making way for a tall, slender, white alicorn to take his place. Her mane flowed in a rainbow of colors and her smile was warm and inviting.
Sombra’s eyes widened with puzzlement and interest, while Nightmare Moon spat and hissed, “Celestia!? That’s impossible!”
The remaining guards and the two unicorns looked on with pure confusion, unable to make heads or tails of what they were seeing. Twilight continued to stay suspended in midair, her eyes still white with power and her horn thrumming with energy.
Inside the image, Celestia smiled and waved to the cheering crowd as a dull pink color began to fill the night sky behind her. She continued this for a few moments before standing up tall and spreading her wings. With a graceful leap, she took to the sky, lifting her hooves high above her head as a circle of bright light exploded behind her. As everyone in the audience cheered, the attendees in the throne room all cried out in pain and attempted to shield their eyes from the harsh light. It filled the entire room, every nook and cranny, covering it in a bright luminance.
The harsh light suddenly vanished as the image dissolved into nothingness, leaving the room in its comparably dim moonlight. Twilight fell to the floor with a small thud and groaned quietly before slipping into unconsciousness. Her parents rushed to her side, checking to make sure she was alright.
Nightmare Moon meanwhile was rubbing the spots out of her eyes while her mind reeled with incomplete and incoherent thoughts. What had she just seen? Was it a vision of the past? No, she would’ve remembered something like that; and how would have the unicorn known about as well? Was it a vision of the future? Would Celestia return to power and bring back the sun?
The empress stood up once more. She hid the fear building in her stomach with a mask of anger. “Stop your pathetic sniveling you foals!” she called to the guards gathered at the door, all of them moaning and rubbing their eyes. Upon hearing their empress’ voice they quickly snapped to attention though their eyes continued to blink at a rapid pace. “Take those two to the dungeon and have them executed,” she pointed to the adult unicorns. “And have that one fitted with a new inhibitor collar and throw her with her brother, I might need her later.”
The guards saluted and flew over to the unicorns who began crying and struggling to stay together. There were screams and cries of anguish, but eventually the unconscious foal was removed from her mother’s hooves and taken out of the room first followed by her sobbing parents.
The door swung shut behind them leaving Nightmare Moon and Sombra alone.
Sombra’s expression had become unreadable once more. He stood rooted in place as he watched the black alicorn pace back and forth with his fiery eyes.
Nightmare Moon murmured and mumbled to herself occasionally stopping to grit her teeth in frustration. She finally came to a halt and said, “Sombra, wait here. There is somepony I must see.” Not waiting for a reply, she stormed off towards a small door hidden behind the dais.
Behind her she heard Sombra mutter, “Of course Your Majesty,” unable to see his look of disdain.
******
Nightmare Moon left the holding cell angrier than she had entered it. She was convinced Celestia’s brain was too scrambled for her to be able to plot anything against her rule, let alone raise the sun. And if the unicorns had really wanted to raise it they would have done so by now, providing they had the power.
That only complicated things for the immortal ruler. The vision she had seen was too vivid and too… unsettling for it to not to have been some form of reality. The question was how did it affect her?
Nightmare Moon entered the throne room once more to find Sombra sitting at the foot of the dais, eyes closed in deep concentrations. She moved past him, as silent and as swift as the wind, coming to rest on her black throne. She cleared her throat to alert the unicorn of her presence.
Sombra opened his eyes then raised an eyebrow. “Well…?”
“Well what?” Nightmare Moon snapped.
“Your thoughts on the matter Your Majesty; I was merely curious to know what you might think of what we just witnessed. Even you have to admit it was… intriguing.”
She let out an irritated growl. “I am not sure what has just transpired, Sombra. I’ve seen Celestia and she is in no condition create an outcome like what we saw. Besides, she’s been producing magic at such a small rate I don’t even think I’ll be able to siphon it from her anymore. Her time is almost up.” She stomped a hoof against the tiles in frustration and cracked one of them in two. “So no, Sombra, I don’t have any ideas… but I’m guessing you and your brilliant mind have come up with something?”
Sombra gave her a toothy smile showing his own pair of sharp fangs. “Well, I do have one idea. Bear with me Your Majesty, but what if what we saw was not the past of the future, but the present?”
It was Nightmare Moon’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “The present?”
“Yes, not our present mind you, but the present of an alternate world.” Sombra leaned forward as he finished his sentence, his eyes wide with excitement. “Tell me My Lady, what year is this of your magnificent defeat of Celestia?”
“The 988th,” she said automatically.
“Exactly, and do you recall what year of the Summer Sun Celebration they were celebrating in that image?”
The alicorns eyes widened then narrowed again. She gave him a hard, scrutinizing look, “What are you getting at?”
Sombra turned and began to pace the floor in front of the dais. “Perhaps what we gazed upon was an alternate possibility of the outcome of yours and Celestia’s battle. Perhaps this is the timeline where you won and shrouded the world in your beautiful night, and the other was the one where… well, where you had a short coming.”
Nightmare Moon tapped an armored hoof against her chin as she mulled over his words. A world where Celestia had beaten her? No doubt though some sort of trickery. It was an interesting idea; however it brought a new question to mind.
“Sombra, if we can see them, is it possible for them to see us?”
He shrugged. “I suppose it is possible.”
Nightmare Moon jolted up from her seat as if she had just been electrified. “That’s it isn’t it!?” she shouted. “That’s who helped those unicorns escape! Not our Celestia, but the alternate one! She’s aware of our existence and no doubt plans to come to our world and end my Eternal Night!”
“So then what is your plan Your Grace?”
She looked down at him with a shrewd smile. “Congratulations, Sombra, you’re being reassigned. You will lead a research team and find a spell that will allow us to reach this other world. We will strike them before they can strike us!”
Sombra cleared his throat. “Not to object Your Majesty, but what about the unicorns?”
She waved a hoof dismissively. “Bah, they are like rats trying to hide now. My guard shall locate them all and exterminate them soon enough. No, we have more pressing issues to attend to, so get to it!”
He saluted. “Of course Your Majesty.”
He turned and marched out of the throne room, his metal shoes clinking every step of the way. The door closed behind him with a loud slam leaving the Night Empress alone.
She smiled contently to herself. Celestia thought herself clever, but now that she, Nightmare Moon, knew of the parallel dimension, she would once again prove herself superior. Soon she would rule an eternal night over not one, but two worlds! She threw her head back and let out a mad cackle of glee. The sound filled the air and reverberated throughout the whole Lunar Palace.
Pretty good start.
First Impressions Review
Review made from the beginning up to
I'll start with the title, having a Latin title is a definite hook, as it seems both familiar and foreign to the reader, what with most European languages coming from Latin. It also entices the reader to try and find out what it means, and thus getting them interested in the story, at leas that is what happened to me. Having the 'Mingling Worlds' part was also a pretty good idea, it gives the reader an idea that it is an Alternate Universe story. And then there is the description, it is short and to the point, giving out the necessary details without waffling, and that hook at the end of the description definitely got my attention. Unfortunately, you don't have any image to go with your story, something I recommend avoiding, even if you just use a generic, temporary cover image that vaguely pertains to your basic story premise, without being too specific, like a picture of Nightmare Moon for instance. However, something that I would say you shouldn't do is just go without, many readers are turned off by stories without cover images, just because humans' minds are adapted to be drawn to colour, or things that don't fit in with the rest of their environment, such as an image among text.
Now onto the actual beginning part of the story. It started off nicely, having Nightmare Moon slamming Celestia against a wall is a certain way to catch the readers attention, and it introduces the fact that Nightmare Moon features prominently in the story. You have some nice descriptors, you have a variety of adjectives that you use well, implementing them in such a way so as to emphasize certain things without going too overboard with them. While Nightmare Moon's dialect seems a little off, probably due to the more modern verb usage, as opposed to her more archaic manner. However, that is nothing too major and doesn't put me off the story. I personally like the way you described Celestia's mental state, not saying outright that Celestia was broken in mind, but instead portraying it through her mannerisms and speech patterns, that is effective and should certainly be kept up. The way the Celestia refers to Nightmare Moon as Luna was also effective at playing on the readers' emotions, so well done for that. The plotline itself is also quite interesting, something that I have seldom seen before and believe that it has the potential for a lot.
In terms of grammar and spelling, it seemed mostly okay. There was a few grammatical errors in the way of missing commas, or lack of capital letters for things like titles ('empress of the night' for example, it should be 'Empress of the Night' being a title and all). However, there wasn't anything too major, nothing a quick touch-up can't fix.
Overall, the plot seems interesting and the writing is fairly well done. However, the lack of cover image may lower the amount of readers this story gets. But mostly this gives off a good first impression, and I think you would do well to continue with it, I've given it a like. (Note: Even though the review is written based on that first section mentioned, I have read the rest of the chapter too) I hope this first impressions review helped in some way.
Dan - First Impressions Reviewer
I like it! I've already got a few stirring suspicions, but of course it's just ideas in my head at this stage. I can only imagine how Nightmare Moon might react to seeing herself defeated by the Elements in the Alternate Universe. You've got an intriguing idea here, and, well, I'm a sucker for any fic where Nightmare Moon is back. I shall be favoriting to see where this goes.
arandompenguin You really don't know how much your feedback means to me. This is the first project I've really thrown my heart and soul into so for it to have a good first impression is really giving me a will to drive this forward.
First in regards to the lack of a cover picture, the primary reason I don't have one is because I was under the impression that by just taking a picture and using it for your story was some sort of copyright infringement. I was planning on browsing Deviant Art and asking someone if I could use a picture fairly soon.
Next, I never actually considered Nightmare Moon's dialect, it completely slipped my mind so I might go back and change that. I'll give it some thought.
Grammar wise, yeah I suspected there might be a few hiccups, but I think I'll get better with practice.
Once again thank you for your input, I'm now more determined than ever to make this a good story.
Oh yeah, I love Latin words
1586157 No problem, glad to help. If you want, you could join the First Impressions group and submit any other fics there and I would be happy to give them a review. Also, you can reply to people by clicking the button that looks like two speech bubbles in the top right of someone's comment, that way they'll be notified that someone has replied to them.
1587015 yeah, I know, but usually when I do that a number appears and I was trying to get your name to appear instead like your reply. And I might take you up on that offer.
1587026 Oh, that's because each comment has an ID number. That's the number that you're seeing, the site will turn it into a name once you post it.
1587119 Oh hey would ya look at that. Learn something new everyday.
I'm truly sorry it took far longer to sit down and read this intriguing piece of Work. At the moment my first impression of this story is based on your Prologue alone, but fear not for I shall read the rest in earnest!
Grammar wise, I found none in my first read through. So either you have a really good proof reader, edit it and fixed the few mistakes that were there at one point, I don't know. But I do know is it was nearly perfect in my eyes, with the only question being this bit right here.
Personally, when I read it and say the line, it feels awkward and is mouthful. I'm not sure if this was by mistake or (likely this instead) was part of Sombra's uniquely passive characterization. And by passive Characterization, I mean in the sense he at first glance seems to be nothing more than a submissive vassal with no personal gains, or intentions other then to serve his mistress. What sort of importance will he hold in story is still up in the air at this point but either its common enough or my mind just thinks way to much for its own good, but I feel power struggle in the future between Sombra and Nightmare Moon one way or another.
Pros about this story and what lured me to this (other then the link you left me ) is steeped in the fact I like good, Alternate Realities/Universes. Mostly in my mind its always interesting and exciting to see characters, and situations play, or act differently than what truly happen. A good example and a personal favorite of mine is My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time. In short it involves Twilight studying Nighmare's Helmet on orders from Celestia, but ends up traveling back in time before the point Luna becomes Nightmare Moon, and is left with a decision to make; stand by and let events unfold the way the have, or step in and change the future its self.
Another example is Night's Favoured Child which involves a rather more pleasant Nightmare Moon that is slowly learning to care and become attached to an orphaned Twilight.
Your story's concept involving not only quote quote the cannon universe but also and alternate universe in play together is really interesting and original. I mean honestly, an alt Nightmare invading the cannon universe is different and fresh in my opinion;also I really like the reason why she's after unicorns. Lovely motive and character building on her part. Like all good things, titles that are interesting and mysterious to others are certainly welcome. With Latin forming the bases of almost all modern Western language, its no surprise (as it was mention earlier) that Latin in its self is foreign to our tongues, and yet welcomingly familiar to our eyes. As for a cover imagine, like My Choices, the shattering effect is both symbolic and riddled with foreshadowing. Though, it only reminds me even more I need to get a custom Image made for my story in the future.
In the way of Cons, and other conflicting tones, I found maybe one or two that at least made me pause to think about them. In the story a filly Twilight is introduced, after her and her family had been captured which informs us ( the readers) that its likely around time she would be going to school and earning her cutie mark. Its also mention in the story that the unicorns have eluded detection from NightMare Moon for an entire century as well... so (likely its explained in the future chapters) my question is; Has Nighmare been hunting unicorns since her raise to power or did they do something in the last couple of centuries that forced them into hiding from Nightmare?
Other than that concern, I found your story interesting and engaging in a way that encouragingly forced the reader to read on if only find the answers to questions they were likely asking themselves at the realization of "Why isn't Celestia the one in power?"
A fave and a like from me good sir! You've certainly earned it for the amount of time, thoughtfulness and love you've invested in this story. Good job.
As requested, doing a quick grammar sweep, but I'll also point at other issues.
There's some confusion here because we treat ponies' movements as more human-like than a horse. When NM slams C into the wall, is she doing it with her hooves? If so, how does Celestia come to a rest where her hooves are?
Recommend changing "rest at" to "rest before" if nothing else. 'At' is awkward here.
Recommend removing everything after 'clumps' in the second sentence, or possibly replace with 'on and around' with 'about' if you think specifying her face is necessary. It feels overly wordy at present.
I'm not sure the comma splice in the second sentence is wrong, but it feels like the loss of hair is relevant to the preceeding sentence, not the material in this sentence before the comma. I'd make it two sentences. (Also varies up sentence structure which makes it more interesting to read).
'Dull pink' is not a particularly useful description. Can you find a more specific color word, or perhaps a different modifier. Combined with the last recommendation, perhaps something like: "Her once pink mane, long since faded, fell out in clumps about her." If you do want to keep dull pink, I think you mean both to refer to her hair (ie, her hair is dull, not the pink color is dull), and so they should be separated by a comma.
Note added commas.
Weakly isn't necessary, we already understand she's in bad shape. Remove. (In general, adverbs are bad for you. Use sparingly). Similarly, remove previously from the earlier phrase - 'before the assault' carries the same information and more.
Note punctuation and capitalization changes. You don't speak by smiling, so its a separate action and starts a new sentence. Of course, this makes the comma spliced "her voice a raspy whisper" inapplicable. If you wish her to both smile and rasp, consider: "blah blah blah," Celestia said, her voice a raspy whisper. She smiled loosely. "more blahs"
Remove bolded. Unnecessary. Also consider removing italicized.
Note added comma, these are separate clauses that could be independent sentences.
'Sisterly love' feels like a weird description of what Celestia just did. Banter maybe?
Note inserted apostrophe for possessive.
Your lead-in on the first sentence is awkward (at the very least cut 'and clouds' - a miasma is a cloud), especially since you're referring back to it with a pronoun in the next sentence. Don't make your reader work so hard. Rephrase to make her mane obviously the subject. (possibly "Her mane, a miasma of stars, ...")
Unfortunately, 'the alicorn' is actually ambiguous as to whom it refers, and because the subject is NM's mane, there's grammatical reasons to prefer NM rather than Celestia as the intended referrent. This invoked cognitive dissonance when I reached the part about the inhibitor collar, especially since you use 'her' multiple times in the sentence without wanting to refer to the same character. Best fix is probably to change how you're referring to Celestia.
Technically, the mane is *lifting* Celestia, not raising her.
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Oh geez, i'm only ~3 paragraphs in. You couldn't create some google docs for this, could you?
Reading this way takes forever. xP Well, once more into the breach.
Start a new paragraph here.
Depending on how your NMM is speaking in your head, you might want to fiddle with "I saw a vision, a prophecy!" Consider I saw... a vision! A prophecy! or without the elipsis.
Next sentence (NS) is overly wordy. Perhaps Her voice rose with her anger.
NS: Not strictly necessary, but I'd strike 'magical grip' and replace with 'mane'.
NS: note inserted comma. Alternately, could be an emdash, depending on how it sounds in your head. (Emdash would work best if you cut 'but' too).
NS: note inserted comma.
Last sentence: note inserted commas. I'm also not sure you need the simile, i think the preceding description is sufficient.
Note inserted comma, but...
These sentences have PoV issues. We're suddenly inside Celestia's head, when we seemed to be in NMM's head before, if anyone's. I'd consider just striking them.
Here's that paragraph without those lines. Note inserted commas. Also, your semi-colon in the dialog is inappropriate. I'd probably use a period and start a new sentence with 'it's', because I don't think she's energetic enough for an emdash here (which could also work but it implies different things about how it should sound in the reader's head).
I'd remove the italicized. Actually, I'd consider removing the entire sentence about how Celestia meet's NMM's gaze. I can think of several things you might say between "had not made a sound" and the line of dialog, but none of them are necessary, although if you did want something here I'd look for an action NMM might take just to mark a little time passing. Lift Celestia's chin, flick her mane (wait, is it still around Celestia's neck?), etc... But nothing is necessary.
The subject of the topic sentence is NMM, so make the dialog line a new paragraph.
I don't like this. If nothing else, cut 'proverbial' - of course it's proverbial, it's a metaphor. There's no actual rope. But I'd find a different way of expressing this entirely, like "Her patience exhausted,".
Same P:
Repetitive structure. Find a new way to communicate this or just cut some entirely.
Cut "up".
Note inserted comma. Applies to previous instance of this sentence too.
Note punctuation and capitalization change - last sentence was a fragment in your version. Alternately, drop "before" and make it a new sentence starting with a subject (likely 'She') - this will require making the verbs past tense.
Bolded word is misspelled (should be 'exiting').
Repetitive sentence structure. I'd just cut the italicized entirely, but at the very least cut "began to", it adds nothing. (If you do that, remember to alter tense on organize).
Note comma changes.
I think I would prefer "witnessed" to "seen" for the last word, but I'm only guessing as to what NMM is thinking about here.
Whee, i reached a scene break. This is exhausting. I think I'm just going to read for a bit. You might consider making another pass of the whole story in light of my suggestions before I attempt more.
Caveat: My grammar isn't perfect. I don't think I've been *wrong* about anything, but there are a few places where I wasn't sure I would be right, and left things unsaid.
Wow. What a severely underrated fic.
Yeah, in twelve years, Twilight's gonna make your life hard, Nightmare Moon!