Bonus: Behind the Scenes!
This is the second part of the mini-bonus series. The first one can be found in the watcher, go look it up ^^
---
"Five, four, three, two... we're on!"
Thundering applause sounded throughout the studio as the camera whirled over the audience and came to rest upon a broadly smiling unicorn sitting at a large table, "Live from On Air Studios, it's Behind the Scenes! I am your host Starlight and... we're back!"
The audience gave another round of applause, "That's right! After a whole month of absence we are back on the air at a brand new studio, with an expanded crew and a brand new show that will amaze you!" Starlight chuckled, "As you all know, the incident that involved a full-out battle between princess Celestia and the Shadow Emperor himself left our old studio a smoking ruin. But we never stopped working and dreaming! Thanks to some very generous funding from G. Noll, we are back to give you all the behind the scenes information you desire!"
Starlight turned her head as the picture jumped between cameras, "Now, before we welcome our special guests for today... Here's our epic newsflash, hosted by the one and only... Shadow Emperor!"
The picture jumped again, this time showing the purveyor sitting at a different table with a map of Equis on the wall behind him, "Newsflash! The negotiations at this year's annual trade council have been overshadowed by the appearance of documents suggesting that Celestia has gained another three pounds! Celestia has yet to make a statement concerning these, but bakeries have already started to stock up on cake supplies." he held up a key chain, "In other news, somebody lost these in the void. Bearing aside the fact that something like this should usually be impossible, would the owner of these keys please contact me at their earliest convenience?"
The purveyor put the key chain away again, "And now, for the word from the streets we go live to our on the scene reporter... Aergad, Death incarnate of Equis." he turned his head as a small screen came to life behind him, an air picture showing a car chase on the highway below, "What do you have for us, Aergad?"
The picture switched to full screen as the camera zoomed in on the chased vehicle, "Zaeres, I am reporting live from within the suspects' car! The seats are torn, it smells like rotten olives... and there is an unidentifiable stain on the guy's jacket next to me. Does the air squad have a good picture?"
"We've got you on screen, boss." a static voice answered.
"What the hell?! How did this guy get in here?!" an agitated voice could be heard screaming in surprise, the car almost coming off the road as the driver pulled on the wheel in shock.
"The driver appears to be losing control of the vehicle, Zaeres."
"What's going on back there?! Where did that skeleton come from?!"
"Why is it holding a mike?!"
"One moment, Zaeres... it appears that something is about to happen..." the voice became muffled, "Just... gotta lean forward a bit... hold still for a moment!"
"The fuck?! Get that finger out of my..." the words were cut off and the car's horn flared to life.
"Yes, it appears that the driver has just suffered from an unexpected heart attack..." the car started to lose control, "Wait for the flip!" screaming could be heard as the car started to tilt.
The picture sprang back to the purveyor in the studio, "And in the latest news, a police car chase that started this morning came to a tragic end as the fleeing suspects suddenly and unexpectedly lost control of their vehicle and crashed. Though miraculously no civilians were harmed in the crash, none of the fleeing criminals survived. Back to you, Starlight."
Starlight came on screen again, "And now, as a special preview... it's gardening with Krieg!"
The picture jumped again, showing a magnificent garden filled with roses and blooming flowers. Slowly, old English font started to appear, spelling 'Gardening with Krieg' in bold letters. As the letters disappeared again, the picture slowly swayed to the side to show a twitching Krieg standing on the green lawn.
"FIRST! DIG!" Krieg screamed at the top of his lungs and started to hammer his buzz axe into the ground, ripping out chunks of grass and earth until a huge hole had been opened up, "PLANT THE SEED!" Krieg ran off the picture, returning a moment later dragging a blood-soaked and bound-up carpet with two feet sticking out one end.
With a small grunt, Krieg pushed the bulging, bloody package into the hole. "NEXT! WATER THE FLOWERS!" Krieg gave an insane laugh and brought forth a red canister, emptying the contents into hole with a mad chuckle, "DON'T FORGET TO FERTILIZE!" he pulled out a match, lighted it and chucked it into the hole. Immediately, black smoke and flames started to rise, "NOTHING LIKE A GOOD BARBEQUE TO GREET YOUR NEIGHBORS! HA HA HA!"
Krieg turned to face the camera, his blood-shot eye staring at the watchers, "NEXT WEEK! PUPPIES!"
The picture jumped again to show the purveyor once more, "Newsflash! The suburban show 'Gardening with Krieg' is looking for a new director. Applicants are reminded to bring gasoline and a carpet to the auditions."
Another switch of the picture and Starlight was back on the screen, "Well now, we certainly hope your garden will not need this gardener's attendance..." her face sagged a bit, "Ever."
The camera changed its angle, "But now, its time to meet this weeks special guests! Coming straight from Ponywood... they stared in a story that touched the hearts of countless fans... It's Scar and Purple Haze from 'The Reader'!"
Under the thundering applause of the audience, two figures entered the studio; one a purple pegasus with bat wings, the other a huge gnoll with black fur and a single, red eye.
"Welcome, welcome!" Starlight greeted both of her guest and showed them to their respective seats, "We are so excited to have you finally here!"
"Glad to be here!" Purple Haze gave Starlight a warm smile as she took her seat.
"And we are especially happy that Scar could make it too." Starlight chuckled, "As I understand it you had some trouble at the airport customs."
The gnoll sighed, "Was ridiculous, wanted to put Scar in box! Like dog!" his brow furrowed slightly, "In hindsight, should have taken box. Seat was small... and old lady next to it smelled like egg sandwich after day in the sun..." he shuddered, "And food was terrible."
Purple Haze shook her head, "You always complain about the food."
"Does not!"
"Oh, come on. You complain on the set all day long!"
"Is not like Scar has complicated needs." the gnoll replied.
"Really?" Purple Haze raised an eyebrow, "You wanted a live gazelle."
Scar shrugged, "It wanted fresh food." he turned to Starlight, "Does Starlight have fresh food?"
Starlight put on a nervous smile, "I'm afraid the zoo rejected our request..." the gnoll raised an eyebrow, "But we have some sandwiches in the back!" she gave a nervous laugh, "Anyway..." she turned her attention back to Purple Haze, "We were quite surprised to hear that your name really is Purple Haze. Did your military career in the night guard influence G. Noll's decision to change your character's name?"
"Well..." Purple Haze cringed, "I really wasn't in the night guard for that long, but the basic training really helped with the work... oh, and princess Luna was kind enough to let me keep the bat wings." she chuckled, "She's a big fan of the show. But yeah, he was happy to have me on board..." Purple Haze shook her head, "Though of course, we disagreed on a few things."
Starlight leaned forward with a big grin, "May we know some of them?"
"He wanted to go with the vampire pony thing at first..." Purple Haze laughed, "Can you imagine that? He even suggested that my hair should sparkle!"
The gnoll scratched his chin, "Sparkly Purple Haze? It would have liked to see that!"
"MmmMmm..." Purple Haze gave him a knowing gaze, "I can imagine..."
"Now..." Starlight turned to Scar, "There is of course no real need to introduce you to the audience! I take it that you already had a very large fan community before your work in the show."
Scar made an abashed face, "Ah... Scar did a few things here and there..."
"A few things?!" Purple Haze gave him an incredulous look, "You're a professional wrestler! I watched you battle it out with the entire Clovenhoof clan when I was still a recruit!"
"Nice family, Scar visits for pool party now and then." the gnoll smiled and closed his good eye, "Good workout too, always fit."
"I can imagine that your work as a wrestler helped a lot with the action scenes." Starlight spoke up, "Though a few weeks ago, we had to learn that even good preperation does not protect you from incidents."
Scar gave her a curious look, "What does Starlight mean?"
Next to him, Purple Haze was starting to grow pale.
"You know, a certain incident involving sharp objects?" Purple Haze was starting to sink into her chair.
"Scar isn't sure what Starlight means..."
Starlight smirked, "Remember when G. Noll though it would be a good idea for Purple Haze to carry a spear?"
The gnoll frowned, "Spear? Scar doesn't remember..." his expression suddenly turned grave and his tone dropped considerably, "Oh, wait. Yes. Scar remembers..." he gave Purple Haze an accusing stare,
"I said I was sorry!" Purple Haze cringed, "Pleeeease!"
"For those wondering what we are talking about, let us show you a clip taken on the set a few weeks back!" Starlight smirked into the camera as another screen popped up.
For a short moment the screen was dark, then a video was played... showing a screaming gnoll running circles around a set of Ponyville with a cringing Purple Haze in the back that was still holding a spear.
"RIGHT IN EYE! SCAR IS BLIND! AAARGH! SCAR TOLD PURPLE HAZE NOT TO SWING IT LIKE THAT!"
"Oh, god! I'm Sorry! I'm so sorry!" she started to run after him, "Let me take a look, it's probably just a scratch!"
"Stop running with spear!" the gnoll shouted back at her.
The video stopped and the picture returned to the studio, where the gnoll was using his remaining eye to stare daggers at Purple Haze, "Scar remembers very well." Purple Haze cringed, "What did Scar tell Purple Haze?"
"Not to run around with the spear?" she hung her head.
"And what did Purple Haze do?" his tone was like that of a father scolding a child.
"I ran with the spear." she replied with a sullen voice.
The gnoll shook his head with a huff, "Author decided to drop idea of Purple Haze carrying spear after that... while Scar still had one eye left." he gave Purple Haze a small nudge and chuckled, "Is alright though, Scar and Purple Haze are still good friends."
"As long as you can still laugh about it..." Purple Haze shook her head with a sigh and turned to Starlight, "You can't even begin to imagine the state of panic everyone was in! The whole crew and the hospital were in a state of chaos! Especially when princess Luna arrived! I honestly feared I was going to end up in jail! It was the first time I got to meet his family too..."
"Not the best situation to meet them, I can imagine." Starlight chuckled.
"Wasn't that bad." the gnoll shrugged, "Scar's kids loved Purple Haze. So Scar had her babysit."
"You babysat his kids?"
Purple Haze hung her head, "Yeah... all nineteen of them." she shuddered at the memory, it had been a sleepless night... but it definitely beat getting glares from his wife.
"It is good to see that your relationship has survived this incident, not to mention it gave birth to one of the most dramatic scenes of the whole series!" Starlight smirked, "Which brings us directly to our next topic; Sir Tag. This newest addition to the story has taken the fan base by storm... and has elevated the speaker voicing Sir Tag to unknown heights!"
"Oh, yeah..." Purple Haze laughed, "I heard he got himself a show of his own!" she thought for a moment, "I think he reads poems..."
"Shall we... have a look?" Starlight put on a mischievous smirk, "By chance, we happen to have a clip from one of his shows at the ready."
Scar leaned towards Purple Haze and whispered to her, "Scar doesn't think is really by chance..."
"Just play along with it..." Purple Haze returned the whisper, "Also, I'm curious to see what Humphrey is up to."
---
In Canterlot castle, Celestia frowned slightly, "Lord Humphrey has a show of his own? How does it come that I do not know of this?"
"Aren't you going to say anything about the fact that Zaeres has just called you fat on television?" Luna smirked at her sister as she saw a flush appear on her cheeks.
"We... came to an agreement after the last... incident." Celestia mumbled. The agreement was actually more of a blackmail, entailing that as long as Celestia would leave him to his new hobby, certain pictures of her would never reach public eyes. "Hush now, they're playing the clip!"
---
"Welcome, to Subtle Emotions..." an elder man with a huge mustache and a silver monocle sitting in a large chair appeared on screen, "I am Lord Humphrey and today, we will indulge ourselves with one of my latest excursions into the fascinating world of poetry."
Lord Humphrey opened a large book and started to read with a quiet voice, "What quiet a notion travels the night? What subtlest of dreams shimmers so bright? Does thou not see what glory I carry? How I drive out the darkness with the wisdom I use to parry?"
He suddenly jumped up from his chair, throwing the book onto the ground in the process and knocking over his chair, "Smash! Smash! SMAAAASH! Went the hammer! Tear down the ribbons on your banner!" he held up his hands above him like a tower and his voice became quiet once more, "Such subtlest of notions brings forth destruction... Does thou not recognize my construction?"
The video carried on for a moment as Lord Humphrey stared into the camera with a frenzied look before a strange smile found its way onto his face, "And that, my dear children concludes our first reading. Join us next week for more subtle emotions."
Once more, the picture returned to the studio, showing a clearly confused Scar and Purple Haze, "That..." Scar spoke up with a raised eyebrow, "Was weird."
"Gerald is going to throw a fit when he sees this..." Purple Haze groaned.
Starlight was about to make a comment, but was interrupted as the image suddenly jumped to the purveyor, "Newsflash just in! Lord Humphrey's show has alicorn sisters pee themselves with laughter! Butlers and servants alike shake with fear as castle shakes with laughter."
The image jumped back to Starlight, "Thanks, Zaeres. That was... informative." she sighed, "It does beat Stormhorn's show though, which surprisingly has become a favorite among lonely housewives." she turned to the side, "Can we get a clip from his show too?"
A short screen of black, then the minotaur deity appeared on screen... dressed in a brightly-colored headband and matching sweatbands.
"Work it ladies!" he shouted into the camera as he did splits, "Feel that fat burn away! The deity of power compels you to lose that excess weight and reinvigorate those flabby thighs!" he flexed his muscles, "Oh, yes! Feel the burn, baby! Touch yourselves, you are beautiful and you deserve it!"
The image returned to Starlight and her two guests.
"That's what he does now? I thought he was working on the watcher series?" Purple Haze asked with clear shock.
"Off-screen work!" the purveyor called in from the side before muttering, "I have got to get me one of those headbands..."
Scar gave a nod of approval, "Good workout! Should go and wrestle with Scar sometime!"
"Well, there you have it!" Starlight slapped her hoof on the table, "The gnoll approves! So feel the burn! And on that bombshell... it's time to end the show! Give it up one more time for our great guest stars... Scar and Purple Haze!"
A round of applause accompanied the records as the show came to an end, "Join us again next week, for more news from... Behind the Scenes!"
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He he.
Lord Humphrey as Sir Tag.
All these facepalms
My face cannot take it
No! Muh precious suspension of disbelief!
Zaeres and Aergad. My sides are lying in a heap in the corner of the room.
why did you end it like topgears jeremy clarkson??
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/233/6/4/they_flew_a_flag_of_many_hues_by_kawaiicutie_chan-d5bxbxa.gif Huehuehuehuehuehue
Zaeres and Aergad the best possible cast for newsflash reporters. One is literally omniscient the other one can get the best stories from the recently deceased and possibly long dead while both can instantly appear anywhere they want to and are impossible to stop once they get going.
What... I... what?
I'm... not entirely sure what happened here... to be completely honest, I was expecting, and hoping for, a clop scene.
Not... this. But... still, it made me laugh.
Not even sure what the hell I just read.
What the fuck did i just read?
Man, I don't even recognize Lord Humphrey or Aergad, but still bloody hilarious! Purple Haze, stop running around with spears. Also, time to get crackin on your other stories to figure out these chars...
...
...
...Huh...
So...Who wants to help me drink this bottle of whiskey until this all makes sense?
I loved this story. It was fun, full of adventure, and the characters were terrific. I was instantly smitten with Purple Haze.
I loved the introduction of Sir Tag (though the smack door was a favorite for a while. It was, after all, a well made door), and to be honest, in my mind's eye (ear?), he sounds like John Cleese.
Well done!
3347132 I'll get the glasses!
3347745
Cleese? Oh god. I didn't see it until now, but I can't see anything else. Nice one.
I'm not a fan of metafics, myself. This is just about perfect as a short snippet. If you went any further with any of the "shows", it would just become tedious. Regardless, I chuckled several times.
So thanks for that!
3367283 Why thank you. It would also help against those people in games... You know the ones...
Wolf and Trevor specifically.
Well, gotta finish this by saying (maybe for everyone) that while I read this, I had some short moments of silence, followed by extensive minutes of insane giggling.
Great job GnollReader! Love this story, every minute of it!
3381237
Good. Good. Your journey to the gutter side is now complete!
3409464
Actually, ironwood is a type of exceptionally hard wood, thus its title. If you would pay more attention, you would see that it was explicitly stated in the chapter that it was an ironwood tree that Scar ripped from the ground.
I reject this as canon and choose to laugh my ass off.
I reject this as canon and choose to laugh my ass off.
3409482 it is still a great name! Even if it became Tag!
3500517 ...
Why it is easy to find a fog. Just wait until a fog herd comes in (known as regular fog), get a pegasus to shape it into any form you want, and have a unicorn cast a "Bring to life" spell on it! And voila! Your very own pet FOG!!
... Wait, that might actually work.
(And I meant to type dog, but I like my explanation for a pet fog better now)
I keep clicking that thumbs up but it doesn't move! Why doesn't it move more than once?!
Oh well, time to start the sequel!
In the end... What happened with the manticore? I mean, it seems like she dissapeared because after Scar go to Canterlot, she appear a little more but it seems later you forgot.
It's the middle of the night and I wanna stop reading, but every chapter keeps pulling me back in! Dammit! XD
(In other words: this fic is way underrated and deserves more likes)
Is this the original source of the idea for "Gardening with Krieg"?
5907845
Someone who accuses clowns of tasting funny.
6253962 i must look into this!
6621595
Fallout 4
6806478 That sounds nice...
Cannibal...
6964907 Keep reading. You will see that he is not.
7470548 that's... True actually...
Great story, the short chapters were great too, it never felt rushed (thought it would be with that few words per chapter at first^^). Brilliant Humor hope you will someday come back and finish the second part
8774196
I can't believe someone responded to it, I busted out laughing from it. I intentionally made it horrible just to see people's reactions. Tehn out of tehn.
\_ O>^ _/
9138599
I think it was the middle of the night when i wrote that so i was kinda tired and not really thinking....i think?
9139487
I forgot what my original comment was about, and reading it again does not help...
9138940 I had to think for a minute as this comment is five years old and I seem to recall I finished this story and ignored the sequel as the ending was unsatisfying to me.
Anyways, I think your definition and mine of a medical condition may vary. To me, if one is an obligate carnivore then not eating meat is a medical concern. You seem to disagree, which is entirely fine.
I'm also very fuzzy on the characters and chapters since it has been five years since I thought about this story. :)
9205607
I did a little digging and according to Webster's dictionary a "Wing Shot" is a shot at a flying bird or target, and/or is referring to one who is skilled at wing shooting.......
Do your worst internet.
Just wanted to let you know I appreciated this story.
9140320
On that we agree make no mistake, im not disagreeing with you about dietery needs. But is Scar an obligate carnivore? He has shown to be able to eat other food besides meat. Maybe not to the point of human omnivorous, but i seem to recall him eating things other than meat.
9574227
...im sorry, i dont understand what you are trying to tell me. Could you explain what you mean please?
3306852
...but fish is meat. Unless that person didnt eat fish either.
9575162
9575168
9575172
You're replying to comments made more than half a decade ago.
People aren't going to be interested in debating a story six years after they finished with it.
Please be mindful.
9575540
Only one of the three comments i replied to was from 6 years ago. One was made less than a year ago. And the last was from a comment made yesterday.
9575580
The "one year ago" comment is a reply to *another* comment of yours, which was against a comment made six years ago.
And the "yesterday" comment is, again, part of a thread going back many years, with replies between comments often years apart.
My point remains. Consider other people.
9575586
So, should i not reply to you? But then, should you not reply to me?
9575590
I'm replying to you because you're breaching online etiquette. Necroposting is inconsiderate for users, and annoying for staff.
If you want to stop replying, I would not complain.
9575599
👍
9841135
Six years ago, jesus christ :O what even is smack door? I am so god damned confused
10033485 wrong answer, I'm afraid. A bear trap does jot fit all of the criteria stated in the riddle.
To answer your riddle: either the moon or a petrified tree. Both could be the answer because the riddle is so vague and the criteria so bland and unspecified.