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shortskirtsandexplosions
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shortskirtsandexplosions
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Joined September 2011
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Da comicks must be made of this, a la Valve's Rattmann comic.
>>1505757 It was kindof a joke, because its relatively short compared to what he usually writes.
Also no I haven't, it notified me and when it said a SS&E story I was preparing to get upset because I have so many other stories as well. I didn't need 20,000+ added on to that. But yeah.
A very clever tale for Halloween, and yet...
...I have heard that hiss since I was young.
But it was different for me. The darkness saw me, and its hunger for a moment qualied. It fled from me, and now it's whispererd sobs now always make me smile.
When I enter the bad place, it shall be on the day of my final conquest. Darkness shall fall... it shall fall away, always fall away from the Light it cannot touch.
My my, that read like a child's storybook to me for whatever reason. I'm not sure if that was intended, but it was certainly pleasurable. Certainly dark as well, but not in the sense I had going into it, yet that hardly mattered. This was great in an oddly cute way, and I think you got the monologue of Fluttershy down perfectly, if not dangerously close.
As most always, good show.
Fluttershy headcanon updated. 
That was amazing. AMAZING. I kind of want this "bad place" lore to be expanded upon, but the vagueness is part of what gives it its darkness. Overall a very nice short story. This is one of those fics that I think would work just as well if it were about humans and unrelated to ponies whatsoever, given the plot, setting, and lore. Take that for what you will.
Somewhere in there is the word "starting" that I think might work better as "startling". :ponkyshrug:
Well, I can't say I loved it, but it was certainly gripping. And it's always good to have some ss&e I can read in 20 minutes. :}
I guess I wasn't creeped out because I don't know what's so bad about the bad place. Who were all those ponies in hospital garb headed for the dark abyss? Ponies who had died in the hospital? Are only sick ponies allowed in the bad place? Was the bad place the mirror-hospital itself, or was it outside in the darkness?
I dunno... maybe I'm not cut out for Lovecraftian horror. I like when there are no questions surrounding the evil. That way my curiosity and my imagination become nothing but enemies, and THAT'S scary.
I understand the creepypasta comparison, but maybe I haven't read enough of it to latch onto that subtext. The story didn't feel "creepy" (or overly contrived and posted on an image board) so much as just a little ghastly. I applaud the length, though. Short and to the point with minimum distraction. Hits all the major points without pretending to be something deep or crazy, just intriguing.
You truly are an amazing author SS&E. I love your stories!>>1506142 To put it simply, the void before the universe was somehow a consciousness (I find that idea annoying, actually. Emptiness is simply empty. It cannot 'feel' or 'know' anything. Even talking ponies is at least biologically plausible. But then, magic... stupid magic making logic not work on this story.) and hates everything borne of light and devours the souls of ponies after they die, and apparently resisting it is excrutiatingly agonizing.
I am starting to notice a theme in SS&E stories lately.
Me thinks he needs more pot and less opium. That's what did in Poe, after all. 
If he smokes LOTS of pot, he'll become all melo and dream up happy places for the pony souls where they can be forever in harmony with the energy of the universe and wear bell-bottum pants and play bongo drums.
>>1507350 *turns on flashlight, darkness is banished!* And that is why light wins!
*imagines Fluttershy's soul being slowly torn apart while it screams in agony*
Darkness, I am going to give you an ass... and then kick it. 
(The darkness gets a cold shiver somehow... and mysteriously decides to let the ponies fade away painlessly from then on...)
Nothing can defeat the Deux Ex Insert!
I couldn't really see the narrator as 'Shy.
Regardless, it's still a very good story, and the 28 Days Later song I was listening to at the time seemed to fit perfectly.
Often, the best horror stories take something that is common to our everyday lives, something that we don't even consciously acknowledge, and present it to our conscious minds in a frightening or horrific manner. This story definitely aimed for that: you took tinnitus, something that affects many people, and created quite a scary story around it. However, when I finished reading, it didn't really leave me scared of my own tinnitus, more just faintly frightened by the prospect of ceasing to exist, so in that regard the story failed for me.
For a 2 hour piece, it's pretty darn good, however if you had spent a bit more time on it, and made the tinnitus itself the subject of the horror to a greater extent, then it would have left much more lasting sense of fright/horror. On the whole it was quite a good read, and it did genuinely make me feel a bit uneasy/frightened at time, so well done. 
Wow a story with the title being a medical condition I do have, and its written by shortskirtsandexplosions author of Background Pony.
Favorited
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applejack_lolface.png
I haven't read it, cuz i'm about to go to bed. But everyone except the user you seem to hope consistently to impress seemed impressed.
I suppose that means it's good, but nothing all that special.
I'll read it before going to bed, in order to give my worthless criticism.
First, proof reading
[ the long weeks spent in that hospital ward stole the strength from bones, making my ]
Unless she's Heavy, she needs another 'my' in there. Unless the ward literally sucked out the strength in everyone's bones, in which case i'd expect " The weeks spent in that hospital ward stole the strength from the bones, " and even THAT'S awkward.
[ But the old mare that had been assigned ] Last i knew, a certain someone absolutely hated sentences that began with "But".
[ other ponies in the ward, and she ] I also thought that and was supposed to not come after commas. I could be wrong though.
Actually you do it again in the same paragraph. I was taught never to do that. Was i taught incorrectly? " x, and" vas strictly verboten.
[ was quiet simply for the fact that i was quiet ] I can't cite some rule of cool for why that's awkward, but that's a fancy, weird way to say the word 'because'
[ we'd play games of hide and go seek under the blankets ] First, weird. Second, how, a blanket is a very small thing, in an already small hospital bed. Thirdly, 'hide and seek'. what's all this 'go' business?
[ Soft Step dove under the bedsheets ] No really, where is this gargantuan hospital bed, and where can i get one. I have a nice bed, but i can't play fucking hide and seek in it :|
[ minutes before i found her ] no REALLY, MINUTES? MORE than 60 seconds to search what can only be a couple of square feet, under a blanket. Either fluttershy is retarded, or this is the biggest bed in the whole damn world.
[ at least until five more minutes had passed ] I'm a manly man made of Man brand steel, and after 1.5 minutes of being lost and unexpectedly alone in a dark claustrophobic location like 'under the fucking blankets' i'd be flat terrified, and concerned about the remaining breathable air. Maybe this is before fluttershy was meek and wussy, but christ, a fear of constriction and inability to sense usually hits the strongest of us.
[ a cold chill had fallen over the bed ] it's so damn hot. i wish a chill would fall over the bed. A thousand times, yes. Please.
[ urging me to crawl and climb deeper down the tunnel of sheets ] i just realized this is the second time in so many weeks that i read a story by you about scary beds. Do you have some sort of personal terror related to linens? Beds are like the best furnature. They're for sleeping, flopping, fucking and hugs. Nothing in your house should be more comforting and welcoming than your bed. Except maybe a big Labrador. Of which only some of those activities are acceptable. Mostly flopping. But seriously : why so many scary beds?
[ like reflections are apt to do when two mirrors are lined up ] What mirrors? My house as a kid had mirrors along both walls in the living room, and i used to stand in the middle and look at a line of a billion me's (a wonderful sight, if i do say so~!), but each one was as clear as the next. It's only in those slimy psuedo-reflective elevator interiors that you get any discoloration over repeated reflections. Maybe if the mirrors were in an old videogame, and the background fog was set to green. Anyway, i've seen tons of mirrors that make out with mirrors, and i've never seen this visual distortion you seem to think is so commonplace that everyone would know it.
[ that was the birth of the bad place ] There's nothing mechanically wrong here, but it's the first chunk that's been so flowery that i stopped and made a face at how little was actually said. There's a place. It's bad, and it's there. Ok.
[ even to this day, i have no proper words to give the utter pitch black of that abyss ] artorias wants a word with you. Perhaps frampt, kaathe the four kings and all of Oolacile . I jest though, this is nice. How more black could it be? The answer's 'none.' None more black~
[ I've foaled many children ] i get you're trying to tie it back up to what imaginary old lady said, but suddenly fluttershy had a bucket of kids? Ok sure. Way to establish that somewhere. This narration is now taking place years and years after current fluttershy. Would have been good to know.
[ for i will have kept you ] okay, i see what you're doing but i have to disagree. Your spooky story has lost absolutely all of it's spooky oomph, and it didn't have a lot to begin with. Though i did read a couple of comments above from tiny baby men talking about how terrifying it was, so maybe my chin made of solid metal alloy has steeled me to such thing but...now you're doing that 'end of the matrix neo phonecall about the audience' bit and i just. I'm not feeling it. At all. And i dare say the mechanics of this don't make any sense. It was insinuated that Soft Step never existed and fluttershy was just crazy. The ambiguous, unexplained nature of that would have left some of the scary in, but since fluttershy IS in fact a character, and is out narrator, she can't also not be real to 'the audience', so by what mechanism is she 'saving' the reader? How did any of that make sense while you were hammering it out?
Oh
Seems like that was the end. WELL alright.
In summation, I'd like to say that it was mechanically sound for the most part, but it wasn't all that scary. But that's just for me. As i love to spout at any opportunity, i'm a sturdy nonscardey readfag who's harrowed the most spooky of unsavory locations. I've been there, i'm seen it. I've probably smelt it too! And nothing here was all that scary. woo, death is scary. Dark is scary. Hospitals are scary.
See, scary in a game is simple. Limit player power, limit player perception, and spice the visuals and sound with dread and discomfort. See : scp-087 stairwell, for the absolute bare minimum for a terrifying experience.
Scary in a movie is about similar things, but it's generally more about the characters, and THEM being in scary places and you sympathizing with them and wanting them to be ok. The dread comes from worrying about them, from putting yourself in their shoes.
But scary in the written word? I honestly can't say! Honestly i think you'd have to play with more sensory crap. Scary isn't scary because scary sounds scary. Scary is scary because 'i'm in it' and i don't want to be.
But a story is the most linear form of entertainment. There's literally nothing beyond what has been written, and it's all done before any of us get our hands on it. So there's nothing to pacing. There's no real sensory data. Only simulated. Because of that ALL we reallly have is what movies have, which is that empathy factor.
But unfortunately, since fluttershy's the narrator and we KNOW that from the beginning, there IS no dread. We already KNOW she survives, because she's telling us the story. So it's just a visual setpiece of descriptions of spooky places, and some spooky happenings.
if we didn't know if fluttershy survived, it'd be scary. BEN was spooky because it was his friend who had died, and all he got was that dumb 'haunted game'. So we went through his experience, knowing the other guy had died. somehow the youtube vids made it online, and woah scurreh.
It was a nice little story. Fun to read, Dark in tone, but suffers from the crippling problem of 'but it just isn't scary'.
I'm sure much smarter pricks than me have looked into what makes a story scary, but the only horror writers i can think of are stephen King and the like, and langoliers was awful to read, and i doubt the others were much better. I really have no idea how to make horror work in a completely nonsensory, non-interactive medium.
Why the fuck doesn't anyone else bother critiquing you like this. Step it up guys. Feedback is the most important asset an artist can get from his fans.
Unwanted answering to some of your questions ahoy!
I've not pre-read nor edited this story, but just caught your message and thought to answer.
[ But the old mare that had been assigned ] Last i knew, a certain someone absolutely hated sentences that began with "But".
It's generally seen as bad form, except in speech. This story is being related by the narrator to an unknown listener (fluttershy, to our avatar), so it's acceptable for it to be written in the vernacular.
[ other ponies in the ward, and she ] I also thought that and was supposed to not come after commas. I could be wrong though.
That's a correct use of the Oxford (or Serial) Comma.
[ we'd play games of hide and go seek under the blankets ] First, weird. Second, how, a blanket is a very small thing, in an already small hospital bed. Thirdly, 'hide and seek'. what's all this 'go' business?
"hide and go seek" is one of the names of the game "hide and seek" - I think it may be the "proper" name, but don't quote me on that. As for the blanket being small, well... you CAN play hide and seek under the covers of a bed (do you have a different word for 'covers'? That's what is meant in this context) if you're small like Fluttershy is in this story. It's also established later on that there's a portal of sorts under the covers, so there's that.
Basically, it's a full-size hospital bed blanket/cover on a full-size bed, not some half-foot-square comforter. A lot of the story revolves around the approximate size of these beds - old-timey hospitals had pretty big beds - and fluttershy is already described as small. I'm not sure you've got a valid complaint, but I personally do see the issue if your own bed is prohibitively small. I guess it's a case of letting the perspective of a very young child have leeway with the real world. For me it worked, for you... maybe not.
Anyway, personally I liked this - a pretty unique idea about a common issue which we take for granted having a supernatural component, making the normal into creepy.
This...I liked this. Good job sir. Good premise, brilliant execution and touchingly dark. Wow, now there's a pair of words you don't expect to put together.
Bravo sir! Have a pony.
Image: http://th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/280/b/c/applejack_braided_mane_new_version_by_teiptr-d5f0ib5.png
Flawless and beautiful. The prose was something precious and rare to behold amongst fan fiction. The story never weighed down by the unnecessary, and the emotions it evoked were powerful and clear. The idea was a creative one (as far as I understand anyway) and I'm left haunted by its events. Kudos to you, I'll never forget this one.
Very, very close to becoming the best fanfiction I've ever read, and believe me, I've read a tale or two. I'll be recommending this to my humble little following on DeviantART. Hopefully this'll get more readers, i know you've had many, but this will always deserve more.
My ringing ears are ringing from The Darkness? This is a great story of mortality, mystery, and sacrifice. Nobody knows Death personally until it knocks on your door and you let it in. Should you even have a way to trick it, would you still let it enter?
When it comes to mystery, legendary Claude Lévi-Strauss said it best: "Nothing is possible, so all is possible." We can be sure that the mystery stays until we find the truth about it. Otherwise it wouldn't be a mystery, and we wouldn't be searching for it. Flutteshy loses this way of thinking about death just like Soft Step did when she was young, and Fluttershy is doing the same right there telling her story. She isn't nearly as brave as Soft Step was, indeed she's quite a coward, but that's how life treated her. Nobody's perfect.
There are some things in there maybe not thought out too great, but what's important with these kind of stories is to either know to ignore them, or even better, just give them a reason that makes sense for yourself and not yap about it endlessly. The message: "Take your chances, if it's not easy you're doing it right" is great. Most of us have troubles in our lives, and most of us have had somebody sacrifice something for our sake.
...Dammit Skirts!!! Just when I start to get my priorities straight, and actually do my schoolwork, you just have to come up with stuff like this, don't you?!
...Really, I'm glad. This was a bucking awesome fic!!! All my feels, fears, and tinnitus. Have them all. 
As always, a fave and like from me. Keep up the good work, Skirts. 
The ringing is a common occurrence for me too. It is either tinnitus, or the hairs in your ears trying to lay flat. When you hear something, the hairs in your ears stand up straight, so that they can get the full vibration. When you hear the ringing, that's the hairs settling back into a less active position. If it's annoying, try spending a little more time throughout your week in complete silence. It will help. If you think it's cool, like I do, then...keep living, I guess.
This is truly incredible. Honestly, it made me cry a little. Still, it's pure awesomeness.
I've always had ringing in my ears, off and on throughout my life. Hell, the more I think about it, the more it happens. It's happening right now, near a deafening roar. Kind of wierd, isn't it?
Not really. Coincidental, yes. Weird, no. Lots of people have the ringing. It's a natural thing. Like when you get hit with a flash-bang, the ringing you hear is the sensory hairs in your ears trying to rapidly adjust to such a loud sound, and then quickly trying to re-adjust back to normal.
...I don't actually know most of this for certain. 
I'm just a very educated high school kid, so if I'm wrong, somepony PLEASE tell me. But I'm fairly certain I'm right, so...
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