Everypony Hates Spike

by Pony-Berserker

My name is Spike

As I approached the library, I saw that the light was still on. Looked like Twilight was waiting for me.

I entered the house. Twilight seemed to be worried. “Spike! Where have you been all day! I was worried that something terrible had happened to you!” And she was indeed worried.

“You know, Twilight, I have a problem...” I should have put this a bit better.

“Ohmygosh! Spike! Have you done something terrible!?” Twilight looked shocked and terrified at the same time.

I sighed and then began explaining my love problems to her. Twilight quickly brightened up and even chuckled a few times. I didn’t know what seemed so funny to her.

“Oh, Spike. You’re just a little dragon. I don’t think it’s the right time for you to start dating mares.” She giggled.

“I might be a little dragon but I’m not a little kid!” I shouted, causing Twilight to cower.

“Oh, Spike, I didn’t mean...” she tried to apologize for her inappropriate (although true) comment.

I groaned and then went to the other room, hoping to think up the solution there. Twilight followed me.

“Spike, I’m worried about you. Your feelings for Rarity slowly ruin your life. Maybe, maybe it’s indeed the right time for you to start dating other mares,” she said uncertainly.

I gave her a suspicious look, trying to figure out what she was thinking about. After a minute of deep silence, she finally spoke excitedly: “Wait here for me!”

I watched her run out of the library and trot somewhere. She had this annoying habit to make other wait as she finds the solution. I mean, couldn’t she just say what she wants to do?

After about an hour, she returned, carrying an enormous scroll. “What’s that?” I asked as she entered the room.

She put the scroll on the floor and then began to panting. That parchment was heavy. “Spike, this list contains pictures and names of all mares in Ponyville,” she explained, falling on the floor.

I raised my eybrow. I wondered why I would need this. Besides, where did Twilight get this?

“Spike, this is a checklist actually...” she began, making me faceclaw. Another checklist? What for? I didn’t say a word though, waiting for further explanation. “Having all the mares in one list, you can ask out every mare in the town. You can cross them off of your list, after they turn you down. This way, you can methodically find a new crush.” She grinned sheepishly.

I gazed at her blankly for a moment. “Say what?” I finally uttered.

“I also added a few positions to the checklist,” Twilight continued, “like ‘check if all the mares on the list have been properly crossed out’ and ‘Ask all the mares again to ensure they really don’t want to date you.”

“This is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard,” I said, covering my face with my claws. That was Twilight’s advice? Just date every mare in town, one by one? I asked her if she really wanted me to do this.

“Well, to be honest, no, I don’t want you to do this but I have no better idea. I just want you to finally get over Rarity. Recently, you’ve been getting more and more depressed with every passing day!” she said worriedly.

“Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, use magic to remove my feelings for Rarity?” I asked, grinning nervously.

Twilight sighed and then explained that she’d love to do so but she doesn’t possess enough power to make it happen. She cannot control magic of love to such extent. Even erasing my memory completely with a spell would leave my feelings for Rarity intact.

I should’ve seen that coming. Magic tends to be completely useless whenever you really need it. Looked like the magic of friendship wanted me to rely on my friend’s advice not a memory-erasing spell.

“What if I’ll be getting turned down by all of them?” I asked Twilight, looking at the checklist.

“Well, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!” she grinned.

“Or crippled,” I murmured and then began to skim through the list.

That was a long list. I had had no idea that there were so many mares in our town. Could at least one of them date me? Probability of success: medium.

The first thing I had to do was crossing certain mares out of the list because they weren’t eligible to be my dates. First of all, I crossed out Twilight, you know because she’s my stepmother. Then, Rarity, because trying to date her was useless anyway.

After a while I had also Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy crossed out of the list. I only needed to decide how to choose my first potential date. Randomly or alphabetically?

I decided to choose by, um, ‘coolness’ of the name. I didn’t want to decide which one is more beatiful because pictures weren’t really reflecting the reality, as one could say looking at Rarity’s picture.

My eyes caught a lovely name – Lyra Heartstrings. Maybe it wasn’t literally ‘cool’ but ‘heart’ had something to do with love after all and this made me choose her.

I’d never really met Lyra before. Her picture, however, looked very familiar as if she was often around me.

I started my search for Lyra the next day in the morning. I found her address on the list because it had turned out that Twilight, um, ‘borrowed’ the list from the town hall. I hoped that nopony would need that until I’m done with dating. And that they wouldn’t mind scratched names.

I spotted Lyra as she was leaving her house. She was an aquamarine unicorn with a lyre as a cutie mark. She looked nice. Actually, she was beatiful. That’s weird I hadn’t fall for her before. Um, that’s probably because of Rarity.

But again, I had no idea what to do.

I thought I should be as direct as possible. Crossing all the mares off the list would take forever if I had wanted to do otherwise.

“Hey, Lyra. I, I, um, I was wondering, um, I just, um, I’d like to in-invite you to a muffin,” I stuttered nervously. If dragons were able to sweat, I’d have been soaked to the scales.

She gazed at me for a while, visibly shocked by my offer. After a while she began to laugh loudly. I blushed.

“Oh, your name is Spike, right?” she finally said something, still laughing though. “Are you asking me out?” She calmed herself down after a while.

“Um, yeah?” I answered.

She resumed her laughing. “Oh, sure! Oh, Celestia. Kids are so random these days.” She patted me gently on the head. “So, where do we go, honey?”

I knew she was being ironic but I had to cope with that anyway. I suggested we should go to Sugar Cube Corner. They got the best muffins there. Actually, it was the only place where you could get muffins in Ponyville.

So we went there. I bought her a cherry-flavoured muffin, while I chose the sapphire one. Lyra was still chuckling from time to time.

That was actually irritating, so I finally asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. You are the sweetest little dragon I’ve ever seen but...” she said, making me blush, “but you know, um, I swing the other way, if you get what I mean.” She chuckled. “I thought everypony knows that!”

I felt like somepony dropped a huge rock on my head. How could I miss that!? Everything had seemed so simple. Just date one by one. I had never felt so embarrassed in my whole life.

“Um, horseapples,” I mumbled and hit the table with my forehead but this time I did it delicately. I didn’t want to return to hospital.

“Oh, don’t worry, Spike. You cheered me up, really.” She stroke my head gently. “Well, the muffin was great but I gotta go now. See you around, Spike.” She left, snickering.

I sighed and then returned to the library. I had anticipated that mares would be turning me down but this had really been unexpected. Anyway, I could at least cross Lyra off the list.

That was just the first time, so I didn’t broke down. The worst that could happen were laughs from the mares I was going to ask out. I began searching for another ‘cool’ name on the list.

I found one.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Comments

[Pony-Berserker]

Poof! Another chapter. I hope you like it.

You probably get the reference from the title

So, please let me know what you think of the flow of the story and point out major mistakes. Thanks in advance!

[MasterSpike]

Oh man, I can see where this is going.

[The Diplomat]

This is awesome

[Shock and Awe]

Embarrassment levels gona reach max. Poor spike

[cloudranger]

Cloudkicker? fanon states Fillyfooler...Clouchaser or Flitter?....Bi? Blossomforth? probably dating someone (Thunderlane based on interpretations). Vinyl Scratch? Berry Punch? Junebug? Redheart? Lotus or Aloe? Emerald? Mane Goodall? Or...Quake(LOL, actually include that, that would be bloody hilarious, Quake is up in the wiki)?...so many to...be rejected from. Once more unto the breach, stout dragon, once more onward!

[Pony-Berserker]

1475398

Wait a second... Quake is a mare!? Oh man!

[Firefan645]

It's RD, isn't it? RD! RD! RD! I geuss this because Spike didn't cross her out in the checklist!

And RD is just gonna

[MarshmallowSundae]

1473047 Sorry, but f&%# you. Spike gets way too much neglect and abuse, and is anything but replaceable, since he's one of the most important characters in the show and has more than a few ways of pleasing a mare that no other stallion does (fingers, tongue, etc).

Oh, and you're also suggesting that a character's worth is judged by whether or not they're a pussy. Not only is that jacked-up, but you're ignoring the fact that he took on three diamond dogs and faceplanted in lava with no problem.

Have fun in you're little Spike-hating world. It might get lonely.

[Path_of_cloud]

1476733 I'm thinking the same thing.

[ImRaidAccount]

Spike is kinda screwed now because nearly every mare is gay.