This story is about pinkie pie gaining her apprentice applebloom in the sargent sprinkles art of cupcakes. This is a tale of a young foals journey through a shop of horrors to find out the true meaning of destiny.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 31st, 2012
Cupcakes survivor
Well, you see I like grim dark and ships. So I like to combine them in a recipe that tastes bittersweet and evil. These cupcakes are meant for baking and that's just what I'm gonna do.
Cupcakes survivor
Joined 10th Oct, 2012 ·
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No.
inb4 TWE.
1426919 The horror!
Also, there is some SERIOUS lack of proper capitalization going on in here. And in some places where it's used, it's not even correct.
It is human nature to seek culpability in a time of tragedy. It is a sign of strength to cry out against fate, rather than to bow one's head and succumb. Inevitably many will fault the hands upon the sword that felled Fimfiction, the moderators. But the moderators merely perform the duties of their office. To further fear them is redundant; to hate them, heretical. Those more sensible will place responsibility with those who forced the hands of the moderators. With some fortune, they may foster this hatred into purpose, and further rule their own fate by coming to the Emperor's service.
Um, I REALLY don't think this should be rated Teen... It's more Mature to me...
Explorator Nullus Corpus reading now.
Okay, I'm very, very tired. Therefore, I'm in the perfect mood to review for grammar and spelling.
First off, Pinkie Pie should be capitalized, Applebloom should be capitalized, and make sure you have Sergeant Sprinkle's name spelled correctly. 'foals' should have an apostrophe between the l and s. The first phrase is unclear, I suggest trying a few different rewordings to make it flow better. Also, you start both sentences of your description with 'This', which is repetative, and thus not flowing.
First sentence of the chapter:
Good, you capitalized the names correctly. But you need to separate these sentences, or add a connector. You can say 'Rainbow Dash. She needed' or 'Rainbow Dash and she needed' or even 'Rainbow Dash, but she needed'
Second sentence:
This sentence, in of itself feels awkward. Try expanding it, maybe something like:
"She was still covered in Dash's blood. She licked her lips, running her tongue across the sweet liquid"
If you want to, look up horse blood types, and try to find the appropriate functional groups and proteins that create the specific taste. I personally doubt you'll take advantage of this, but research is always good, and may give you more ideas.
Keep doing something similar, or find someone else who can do something similar to what I, the TWE folks, and anyone else are doing, and you'll be able to fix most of the grammatical errors, if not all.
Now for the ideas. You seem to have a reasonably original idea, but you don't go anywhere with it. Right here:
It's very difficult to get a pony to go from 'normal' to 'homicidal psychopath' in a single hour.
Lastly, this right here:
Umm, ponies don't melt. Ponies decompose. Unless you want to describe a difference in the biology between these magical little equines and the species of our world, then Dash won't melt.
Aaaaaaanyway, having started a 'sequel' of my own, for better or worse, I won't complain about you writing a 'cupcakes 2', as that would be hypocritical.
Good luck!
Ave
Axôlú
Yet another Pinkamena fic and a Cupcakes sequel at that. We have so many of these that it's basically a genre so yours better stand out.
Not starting off well. Red to remove, blue to add, purple is a correction and green is a comment.
So ponies are made of marshmallow?
Oh, okay. Apple Jack Pies is a brand or a new character or something?
This line just reeks of potential. You could write a really creepy, great scene based on Pinkamena having a conversation with a now-inanimate object. (Strangely enough, that would also be canon in-character for Pinkamena)
Instead you've just glossed over it in a line. You could write an entire story based on that moment.
Oh Luna, what? Is this you trying to write an accent? We know how Applebloom speaks, we dun need yer wraitin' all fancy-laike.
So you seem to have the whole 'writing' part down but you don't seem to know what you're writing. Go back and read Sgt. Sprinkles' work. You've glossed over all the gore that Sgt. carefully described so as to better squick us out, not to mention the lack of disturbing imagery. Applebloom just accepts the whole deal over the course of half-an-hour with basically no second thoughts. No, really, your narration make it seem like Pinkie goes to work and, suddenly, psycho!
Here's my advice: Don't write Cupcakes 2: Electric Boogaloo. Write something original. Use Pinkamena if you can't justify breaking a different character but don't write Cupcakes: The Quickening.
We are the walls of Hell.
NobodyPro - TWE's Resident Octopus
No please, no more cupcake sequels and wananbes. Let the dam thing die and be forgotten about. I don't think anyone wants more Cupcakes related stuff.
Umm... have you ever tasted blood? It's a metallic taste. Not at all sweet.
Applejack. Not Apple Jack
Missed capitalizations. Everywhere. And also
Stallion doesn't need a cap.
As
1427046>>1426976
said this section was much too short.
Anyhow. Added. Prepare the cavalry charge.
God dammit! Why did I have to find this right before classes start? I wanted to tear this thing a new one! Damnit! I'll see you during lunch. Prepare.
I found this difficult to clop to.
1426976
Thanks that's actually quite helpful, sorry about the little opener, I wasn't really sure what to put there as I have never really out up on a site for just ponies. I really enjoyed the criticism, seriously thank you.
1426931 -So and so of the so and so chapter, 2 hours before virus bombing
Thats totally bucking rad, dood!
I'm going to have to write my own cupcakes version.
at least the mark wasnt like a dead pony with its ogans strene out
but i like the story 
i love gore fics like this,could have used some more detail,and the story could have been just a bit longer,but other than that the story is fantastic
Well_- written, decent storyline, but when it comes to the storyline...
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyj4tpt3TX1r3856io1_400.gif
Now I need to make a cupcake one! That's going to be 4 stories at once! I already have 3, but now I need to make a cupcake one before I forget! Make another one, were they make another apprentice or the other crusaders numbers are picked.
Good for Apple Bloom! I love this just cause of that!
Me: *sees pinkie picture*
*pretends to be google*
pinkiehappy:
Me: Did you mean:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO0OLO0L XD
Reminds me of scootaloo the sadist except for the reason that she started to help pinkie. I also normally dislike when somepony gets killed
but I somehow seem to enjoy it now.
Gehhh... finished? Wut?
1431524 will you make a sequel (another one)?
1427100
I feel that people do want more Cupcakes related stuff, and that is the magic of personal opinions.
Creeped. Out.
Not necessarily the story., though it was a good thrill, but the fact that a small filly...wants to cause death and destruction. Your father is undoubtedly.....Tirek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just a bit curious... if humans get another blood type into their body, they die. Does that go for ponies?
In a sick and twisted way this was kind of sweet . . .