Scootaloo is best pony. I'm from Mississippi. I like all kinds of stuff. This is all.
A/N: This is slightly improved. If you have read it you might want to read it again.
Applebloom has grown up and she is almost a mare now. However, she is depressed for many reasons and some mistakes she made. Now she is faced with a decision. Will anypony be able to stop her?
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Ending is pretty random, But the best I could come up with.
Edit: These comments are obsolete 12-19-12
Hmm, short, sweet and to the point. Good work fella, did like. :)
1407134 Thank you.
Amazing sadness to start and then a cute happy ending at the finish. Good job! I really enjoyed this!
1409614 Oh, Thank you that means alot.
I dunno, sometimes it felt a little clumsy to me, but I just couldn't bring myself to care. I love this story.
1418183 Okay thank you.
This isn't good. Huge paragraphs, rambling sentences, it's far too rushed and short, and you did a lot of telling, but almost zero showing.
So Apple Bloom was committing suicide? She leaped off a cliff, and her crush just happens to come back (despite being busy) with no explanation, catch her, then kiss her without more than a singe sentence? No. It's way too contrived.
This needs a rewrite. What you have here is a story outline. The emotions are flat, and the story isn't engaging at all. Type out a few of Apple Bloom's thoughts instead of telling us what's happening, break up the paragraphs, ect.
You need to write an ending for this. Scootaloo appearing is a ridiculous Deus ex Machina, and you could easily make it more believable if she said something like "Hi Apple Bloom! I'm here to visit! Applejack told me that you'd probably be up here."
Downvote and a fave/track from me. I like the idea, it can be a good story with a bit of work. If you write it well enough, a one-shot like this could be feature box material.
1573585 Thank you and you know what I might rewrite this. btw I've been wanting to get a reviewer to tell me what exactly I need to work on for my fics so if you could I would appreciate criticism of my other fics. Anyway this fic wasn't even meant to end that way I just couldn't write it the way I wanted to.
Edit: These comments don't really count anymore 12-19-12
RariTwiFan reporting in from Authors Helping Authors!
A Filly Under The Stars
Grammar:8
Pros:
-Scootabloom...I love this ship soo much!
-Your descriptions are very detailed and beautiful.
-it was really moving.
Cons:
-Space out the paragraphs. It'd be a lot easier on the eyes.
-A few errors here and there. Nothing too huge.
-A bit short.
Notes: I really liked this and I'll be looking forward to seeing more stories from you.
I really like this fic and I hope you're able to review my story,Colossal, and I hope this review helped.
2016593 Okay thanks
Story: A Filly Under The Stars
Grammar: 6.5
Pros:
Thoughtful - This story offers a lot of insight into your depiction of an older Apple Bloom, and I really like that. It's something I think the fans consider when it comes to the CMC - who is going to be last to get her cutie mark? It's interesting that you pick AB to be last and nearly a mare but still be a blank flank.
Pacing - The pacing of this story is pretty balanced. For being a short chapter in terms of word count, the story itself isn't quick. You take time to go into things and nothing feels rushed, which is always a good thing, at least until the ending.
Cons:
Grammar - Some of these sentences hurt the flow of the story. If you haven't done so yet, I recommend getting a proofreader to help you out. You have some choppy sentences here and there, a few word choices that make things sound odd as well. Right now I would say this is the biggest hurdle in your story that can be addressed easily with some outside help.
Telling - Have you heard of 'show instead of tell'? This story tells the reader about AB's feelings and actions, but it would be better to show these to the reader though some kind of action in the story. It's a little hard to follow where AB starts in the story and where she ends up while the reader gets told about all these things she's done. In truth, I didn't see a lot of mistakes she made that pushed her to that point. This isn't an issue about the story being rushed, it's an issue of missing details. Whatever happened with Sweetie's help to AB? How much time went by after that? There's details that need to be worked out in this story and given a chance to be shown to the reader.
Dialogue - You hardly have any, and this goes back to showing instead of telling. All those feelings that AB has could make a more emotional impact to the reader if she voiced those feelings to herself, like a monologue. Some past dialogue between herself and Scoots would be nice too, so that the ending might not feel so shoe-horned in.
Notes: You have a fair idea in this story, but it needs a better delivery. If AB feels like ending her life because of how her life has lead up to this point so far, show that to the reader. Make a mind map of events that you can write out as AB tells the reader her story and why she feels she would be better off ending her life than sticking around - show the reader what led up to a strong character like AB finally giving up on love and herself. If you can do this, you'll have one hell of a good story.
Hope you enjoyed the review and found it helpful! Please take a look at my fic Friendship has a Generous Heart. I know it's really long btw, so I won't expect you to read it all at once.
2206027 Thank You That is extremely useful advice. I may rewrite it, now that I know what I should have done.