A Filly Under the Stars
A lonely filly set down in the grass. The stars and moon were bright in the night sky. The air was fairly cool and there was no wind. The lights of the town was off in the distance. Most buildings were dark as the day was over. Ponies were at home sleeping or Staying up just a little late. Some ponies seemed to be walking around the streets.
She wasn’t going to associate herself with them. They weren’t all that desirable, and she knew what they were up to. The filly felt a slight blow by, it was nothing special though. She shivered a little, but that was it. She was just on the outskirts of town. There were some flowers around her, but the hill was fairly barren. She would come out here a lot thinking about life in general. Her thoughts were mix of emotions. She was upset, happy to an extent. Her happiness was not much of a good feeling more of a memory. It was the memory of happiness, but nothing more.
If she had the option she would run away, she could. But she felt her family needed her. Besides Equestria was a large place. She was almost eighteen, although that didn’t mean anything to her.
Her friends had left to do different things, she was alone. Her sister was busy and so was her brother. All she seemed to do was mess up. Sweetie was on tour all over Equestria. Meanwhile, Scootaloo was at flight training for stunt ponies.
Applebloom was stuck. She had failed more than she succeeded. She had wanted to tell Scootaloo her inner feelings, but never could. She knew what would happen if she did. As she looked up the moon seemed to be brighter than before.
The sky was so dark, but so bright at the same time. She let out a shiver, she was getting a little cold. However, the filly would remain outside for long periods of time. All the ponies in Ponyville would just ignore her or pity her. She felt safe out here, she did not really know why.
All the filly could do was sit down and think about her life. She had spent the months after Scootaloo left wishing she could have told the orange pegasus about her feelings. She kept trying, but never could come out with it. She felt worthless and hopeless, she was suffering.
Everypony seemed not to worry about what was wrong with her, but she knew she had to do something. She had given up long ago, She was still talentless. She just wanted to fit in and nopony have any problems with it. All she could do was walk around and hope that nopony could see her.
Applebloom couldn’t help but think about how beautiful the night was. She wondered if there was anypony else in that vast black sea. If they felt like her and were staring at the night sky. Wondering the same things she wondered. All in all everything should have been a lot better.
The filly’s thoughts drifted to Scootaloo, a beautiful mare who was finally living a dream. Applebloom was happy for her, they went through a whole lot together. Applebloom and their two friends had formed a group and faced bullies among other obstacles. They all would seem to slowly achieve these goals. Meanwhile, Applebloom seemed to fail at getting the one thing she had always wanted, her cutie mark.
She recalled the pegasus had been kicked out of her own house. The pegasus had trouble flying and her idol seemed to avoid her at first. Then, a camping trip brought the two closer together. The pegasus almost gave up once and was about to do something drastic when Applebloom managed to stop her. That was when the young apple finally realized her inner feelings for the orange pegasus.
Applebloom wanted to tell her friend how she felt. However, she would choke and quickly change the subject. Sweetie noticed this one day and asked what was wrong. At first Applebloom was reluctant to tell her. After all she didn’t know if Sweetie would be okay with it or not. She asked Sweetie to go to a secluded area where nopony would overhear. Her friend did as she asked and when they were out of sight, Applebloom took a deep breath as her friend patiently waited. The yellow filly expected the worst as she began to tell her inner feelings to her friend.
Applebloom had her eyes closed for what felt like an eternity and felt tears in her eyes. However, she was surprised when she felt a hoof wipe her eyes and pull her into a hug. The farm filly managed a smile and Sweetie assured her it would be fine. Sweetie did her best to take her fears away. The two fillies set silent for a few minutes. Sweetie told Applebloom that she might be able to help. Sweetie also told her friend how a true friend would be there no matter what.
Applebloom always thought Sweetie would make a good mother someday. She wished she had a mother or even a father now. Sweetie always seemed to get the better end of the deal, but it did nothing to keep her from helping her friends. Applebloom felt tearful, two of the most important ponies in her life were now far away.
Applebloom wondered how her family would take the news of her interest in her friend. They said they would love her no matter what. She wanted to believe that, but she couldn’t bring herself to.
The yellow filly began to wonder how it would feel to fly. She had dreamed of flying in the clouds. She wanted to know the freedom a pegasus felt. She began to walk.
Applebloom made her way towards the bridge over the river. As she looked down she saw a familiar face. The face in the water smiled at her, as a foal ponies would say that she was a cute filly and would grow up to be beautiful. However, they also said she would have all she ever wanted. She had her friends, but she was still unhappy.
She spread her forehooves apart and closed her eyes. The filly thought she heard the beating of wings in the distance. She stepped forward and prepared herself. She thought about what she was doing. But she was gonna do this.
She could feel the wind begin to pick up as if something were trying to push her back. The filly felt the wind in her mane. Then, she felt weightless as her body left the rails behind, there was no going back. All of a sudden everything would be gone and she would no longer worry. The air felt good as it rushed against her body. The earth pony felt free for the first time in a long time.
She felt herself continue flying longer then she should of. Applebloom wondered what was going on. She looked up to see a pegasus. The pegasus looked familiar. The young mare was orange and had a purple colored mane. Applebloom’s savior didn’t look happy though.
The pegasus set the earth pony on the ground. Applebloom was glad to see her, but the pony had a stern look on her face. At the same time she looked to be on the verge of tears. The pegasus began to speak.
“ How could you do that, Applebloom?” asked the pegasus, with a mixture of sadness and anger. The pegasus looked into her friends eyes.
“ ah-ah-ah jus’...Can’t...” The yellow filly started. Her friend was just a few months older than her and Applebloom still felt like a child.
“ Applejack told me you were out here, she was very worried,” The pegasus said,” and you almost left us.” The orange pegasus had tears in her eyes. Applebloom knew what she did was wrong on her part. Both ponies were in a similar situation before, and everything had come full circle it seemed.
“ Scootaloo, ah’m sorry ah was jus’... it’s complicated okay.” Applebloom was stumbling on her words. She was doing it again her friend and crush was in front of her and she couldn’t say anything.
“ Applebloom don’t worry everything will be fine, I’m out for a couple weeks and I came to see you.” Scootaloo said.
“ Scoots, there’s somethin’ ah’ve been meanin’ ta tell ya.” Applebloom said, but a hoof covered her mouth. The pegasus did something that was completely unexpected. Scootaloo got closer to Applebloom their faces mere inches apart. Scootaloo smiled as she placed her lips on Applebloom’s. Everything melted away as if it didn’t matter what happened. Applebloom kissed back. Her mind stopped thinking as she realized that her friend had the same feelings. Then it stopped.
“ I have to confess Applebloom, I kinda also left out of fear.” Scootaloo said abruptly. Applebloom raised an eyebrow.
“ Let me explain. You see Sweetie told me how you felt a couple days before I left and I didn’t know what to think. You helped me, but at the same time I didn’t know if it was right. I was so confused. Then, while I was in cloudsdale, I talked to Rainbow. She told me that I shouldn’t let anypony tell me what is acceptable to like. So I decided I would come here.” Scootaloo finished and pulled Applebloom into a hug.
“I love you, Scootaloo.”
“ I love you too, Applebloom.”
“ You’re freezing.” The pegasus said, everything was going so fast it was confusing.
Both ponies layed down beside each other. They nuzzled each other as Scootaloo wrapped a wing around Applebloom. The night was still relatively young as both ponies watched the stars together.
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Ending is pretty random, But the best I could come up with.
Edit: These comments are obsolete 12-19-12
Hmm, short, sweet and to the point. Good work fella, did like. :)
1407134 Thank you.
Amazing sadness to start and then a cute happy ending at the finish. Good job! I really enjoyed this!
1409614 Oh, Thank you that means alot.
I dunno, sometimes it felt a little clumsy to me, but I just couldn't bring myself to care. I love this story.
1418183 Okay thank you.
This isn't good. Huge paragraphs, rambling sentences, it's far too rushed and short, and you did a lot of telling, but almost zero showing.
So Apple Bloom was committing suicide? She leaped off a cliff, and her crush just happens to come back (despite being busy) with no explanation, catch her, then kiss her without more than a singe sentence? No. It's way too contrived.
This needs a rewrite. What you have here is a story outline. The emotions are flat, and the story isn't engaging at all. Type out a few of Apple Bloom's thoughts instead of telling us what's happening, break up the paragraphs, ect.
You need to write an ending for this. Scootaloo appearing is a ridiculous Deus ex Machina, and you could easily make it more believable if she said something like "Hi Apple Bloom! I'm here to visit! Applejack told me that you'd probably be up here."
Downvote and a fave/track from me. I like the idea, it can be a good story with a bit of work. If you write it well enough, a one-shot like this could be feature box material.
1573585 Thank you and you know what I might rewrite this. btw I've been wanting to get a reviewer to tell me what exactly I need to work on for my fics so if you could I would appreciate criticism of my other fics. Anyway this fic wasn't even meant to end that way I just couldn't write it the way I wanted to.
Edit: These comments don't really count anymore 12-19-12
RariTwiFan reporting in from Authors Helping Authors!
A Filly Under The Stars
Grammar:8
Pros:
-Scootabloom...I love this ship soo much!
-Your descriptions are very detailed and beautiful.
-it was really moving.
Cons:
-Space out the paragraphs. It'd be a lot easier on the eyes.
-A few errors here and there. Nothing too huge.
-A bit short.
Notes: I really liked this and I'll be looking forward to seeing more stories from you.
I really like this fic and I hope you're able to review my story,Colossal, and I hope this review helped.
2016593 Okay thanks
Story: A Filly Under The Stars
Grammar: 6.5
Pros:
Thoughtful - This story offers a lot of insight into your depiction of an older Apple Bloom, and I really like that. It's something I think the fans consider when it comes to the CMC - who is going to be last to get her cutie mark? It's interesting that you pick AB to be last and nearly a mare but still be a blank flank.
Pacing - The pacing of this story is pretty balanced. For being a short chapter in terms of word count, the story itself isn't quick. You take time to go into things and nothing feels rushed, which is always a good thing, at least until the ending.
Cons:
Grammar - Some of these sentences hurt the flow of the story. If you haven't done so yet, I recommend getting a proofreader to help you out. You have some choppy sentences here and there, a few word choices that make things sound odd as well. Right now I would say this is the biggest hurdle in your story that can be addressed easily with some outside help.
Telling - Have you heard of 'show instead of tell'? This story tells the reader about AB's feelings and actions, but it would be better to show these to the reader though some kind of action in the story. It's a little hard to follow where AB starts in the story and where she ends up while the reader gets told about all these things she's done. In truth, I didn't see a lot of mistakes she made that pushed her to that point. This isn't an issue about the story being rushed, it's an issue of missing details. Whatever happened with Sweetie's help to AB? How much time went by after that? There's details that need to be worked out in this story and given a chance to be shown to the reader.
Dialogue - You hardly have any, and this goes back to showing instead of telling. All those feelings that AB has could make a more emotional impact to the reader if she voiced those feelings to herself, like a monologue. Some past dialogue between herself and Scoots would be nice too, so that the ending might not feel so shoe-horned in.
Notes: You have a fair idea in this story, but it needs a better delivery. If AB feels like ending her life because of how her life has lead up to this point so far, show that to the reader. Make a mind map of events that you can write out as AB tells the reader her story and why she feels she would be better off ending her life than sticking around - show the reader what led up to a strong character like AB finally giving up on love and herself. If you can do this, you'll have one hell of a good story.
Hope you enjoyed the review and found it helpful! Please take a look at my fic Friendship has a Generous Heart. I know it's really long btw, so I won't expect you to read it all at once.
2206027 Thank You That is extremely useful advice. I may rewrite it, now that I know what I should have done.