Hello there, it is I, Pizza Patriot. I am pretty cool I guess. I want to try to start writing some fanfics for FiM and have some fun.
Kindergarten. For most, a fun and nostalgic time for many ponies in Equestria. Twilight Sparkle is not like most ponies, however. For years, she has had a fear of disappointing those around her, a fear that she may be tardy, and the thought of the nightmarish scenario where Princess Celestia, her idol, would bring her back to that terrible place. But why is she so afraid to go back in the first place?
Page generated in 0.021 seconds
Total duration
934 users online
1,380,161 hits today, 2,159,462 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Absolutely loved this downright beautiful AU one-shot. The flashbacks to Twilight's childhood and time with Cadance before the "dream world chat" with Celestia (with some help from Luna) were quite well done (especially Celestia owning up to not doing as good a job reassuring Twilight when she need it as much as she should have). And yeah, Twilight getting teased by the other students for being late was harsh, even if the teacher tried to be reasonable. Indeed, this going down before Twilight had a chance to pull the "want it, need it" spell on Miss Smarty Pants saved A LOT of frustration.
Again, the dialogues, characterizations and general wrap-up were superb. I kind of wish "Lesson Zero" actually ended this way.
Since you asked for constructive criticism, I'll give it to you, to best of my ability. But it's not like I'm some great writer either, so take what I say with a grain of salt!
As I read through the beginning of the story I found myself liking it. I wanted to see why Twilight was traumatized by magic kindergarten. I was alright with the answer you gave, too. But then I hit the part where she meets Celestia, and all of a sudden I was skipping paragraphs, barely reading a thing, right through to the end.
Part of me feels like it was because you were repeating yourself too much, that you really needed to trim it down to just 5-ish paragraphs and move on. But I don't think that's quite right. Maybe it's because I've felt something like what Twilight is feeling here, and nobody showed up to help me in my dreams. Maybe it's because the solution you give- her mentor showing up to validate her- is an external solution, but the problem is an internal one.
I guess it comes off as a cop-out to me because I've tried waiting for solutions to my problems to come along by themselves, and they never did. I've learned that solutions only come to those who are willing to look their problems in the eye, and I don't think Twilight ever had a moment where she mared up and faced her imposter syndrome. You wrote the morning of the soul, but skipped the darkest hour. And- I understand that. The darkest hour isn't a nice place to be. I've done the same thing, actually, if not in writing then in my fantasies. If I was your editor, though, I'd have made Twilight openly admit to what she was feeling before Celestia started comforting her. But that's my solution. It's just an idea that you might choose to add to your extensive toolkit.
Overall, I think you're a fine writer. I kind of doubt your writing will ever be 'my thing', but you managed to write something decent and publish it, and that by itself is worthy of praise. (If it was me, I would treat myself). I wish you a productive writing career. Just don't try to base your self-worth on it (like I did for while, and my God was that miserable), and make sure to have fun. As for quality, I don't have high expectations for you, so prove me wrong!
How is this story an alternate universe fanfic?
11857089
This story takes place during "Lesson Zero" of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic: Season 2, Episode 3, but ends in a different way. Its technically an alternative universe, it just isn't that different to the original universe. Hope that clears things up!
11856987
Thank you for the kind words. I wish something like this happened in the show too. It always felt like Twilight was dealing with certain underlying feelings that were never addressed, such as her work not being enough, constant perfectionist attitude, and desire to measure to others and her own standards. She always wants to learn, always wants to do more, always is making sure that everything is recorded with a paper and quill. While most episodes imply that she does this because of a natural curiosity and desire for excellency, as well as personal satisfaction, “Lesson Zero” made fear the main motivator in all she did. I wanted to explore why that was, and why she was so scared of magic kindergarten, being tardy, and of failure. I think I did an alright job, but in retrospect, I think I could have done more. Maybe showing a bit of Twilight’s home life would have been a good idea, for example. I really liked the part with Celestia, Luna and Twilight, especially about the part when the two sisters thanked Twilight for saving their relationship with each other. That is a massive debt to repay, yet Twilight still believes herself to be not good enough. It puts things into perspective I think.
Still, I am happy with how it came out, and I am glad with how the story came out, and I am glad that you enjoyed it too. Thank you for reading!
I hope to create some more stories, some with similar themes and some not so similar. Anyway, cheers!
11857049
Thank you for reading and giving your thoughts. I really can’t stress that enough, and you’ve given me a lot to think about.
I don’t fully understand what you meant by “You wrote the morning of the soul, but skipped the darkest hour”, but I do understand where you are coming from in the sense of using an external solution for an internal problem. I didn’t intend for this to be a solution to Twilight’s problem, but rather the beginning of her coming to terms with her nature and improving from there. In other words, her not being blind to her problems, but actually seeing it for the first time, looking it straight into the eyes. Of course, since she was unable to do it during the show, I thought it was more reasonable if someone else pointed it out to her, and who is better to point things out than her mentors, Celestia and Luna, and to a smaller extent, Cadence. My interpretation is that they didn’t really fix anything here, but their conversation wasn’t meant to be a solution in the first place. It was meant as a way to say sorry, while also giving perspective to Twilight. And I believe with that perspective, as well as support from others, that Twilight can manage her feelings better. I don’t think it was a copout, quite the opposite actually, since everyone was taking responsibility, but I do understand that the ending may have implied that everything was magically fixed easily and quickly, so maybe the ending should have been handled a bit better there.
Again, thank you so much for reading this. You made my day!
That's really interesting. I had to go back and re-read your story to try and see it from your point of view. And it goes to show how two different people can get very different things from the same words, depending on the mindset they bring to them. (And by the way, have I mentioned that this is really good for a first story? There are some people who've published twenty stories here and aren't as good as this).
One thing that shows this is my confusion about Celestia's apology. Now, I guess you interpreted Twilight's worried nature in canon as a result of Celestia pushing her too hard, and that's a valid way to look at it. However, my interpretation always was that the anxiety came from Twilight herself, since when Celestia and Twilight talk in the show, Celestia is always telling Twilight to relax and not worry so much. So if you wanted to make Celestia's apology work for me, you would have had to write a flashback (probably during the dream sequence) where she was putting more pressure on Twilight than she was comfortable with, causing her to become anxious. As it was, I just couldn't see what Celestia was apologizing for.
As for your ending, honestly, it was fine with me. The only part I got thrown off by was the climax.
Now, looking at it from your point of view- I don't know. It's not the way I would ever even think of writing. If you're trying to show how an external factor can change a pony, then fine, what happened makes sense. But from the way you set up the story I was expecting it to be about a pony facing and resolving their internal conflict. So maybe it's the beginning you should have changed.
Still, I can't help but think that what you really wanted to do was make an internal story. After all, everything but the climax was set up just like it would be in the story I was expecting. Maybe what you really wanted to to do was make something more like that story, but you screwed up because of inexperience? (Celestia showing up out of nowhere to fix the main plot problem is literally a textbook Deus Ex Machina). Or maybe you wanted to do something quite different, but the 'normal' story format was so ingrained in your head that you couldn't figure out how to break away from it, except at the most crucial point. Or maybe you wrote exactly what you wanted to, but I dislike it because I don't agree with your worldview. I don't know, I can't tell you how to write your story, just give you my honest impression.
So let me tell you what I think as honestly as I can. I think this story is just like loads of others that go "Character is sad and and afraid they're worthless, so someone they care about shows up to comfort them and their kind words get rid of the character's insecurities." Now you're more nuanced than that, but at heart that's what this story is about. And isn't that a wonderful fantasy? The only problem is, it's just not true. No-one's going to come and save you. Not that other people can't help, but you have to seek that help first. It's not the stories that told me that I would be miraculously saved if I just slept for long enough that helped me. It was the ones that told me that things won't get better until I faced my problems, but that I was strong enough to survive doing that.
And I can also tell you this: the people who write these kinds of stories get a small following that appreciates them, but it's never much. It's the people who write stories where the main character doesn't have the answers handed to them that really resonate. Think of the stories you love, and see what they do! I know you don't see your story as being like that, but I do, and so it's reasonable to expect that a good few other people will as well. And while you shouldn't care too much about what other people think, it might be smart to give their ideas some consideration. Maybe you don't like my solution? Good! Flip the script on me! I want to be surprised. I want to be blown away. I don't even care if I don't like it. Just make sure you don't try to hide things in the fog.
A couple more things that I noticed during the re-read that are a lot less subjective and messy than what we've been talking about. Firstly, I've read a lot of Shakespeare, so I noticed that Luna was using 'hast' where she shouldn't have. Here's a simple chart:
I have
Thou hast
He/she/it hath
We/you/they have
I didn't notice any other problems on that end, so good on you for that!
Lastly, you did something that just about every new writer does, which I call 'soft repeating': saying the same thing twice in some non-obvious way. For instance:
"The door opened and the Princess entered the room. Everypony in the room bowed to their princess as a sign of respect."
Once you've clarified that the Princess is in the room, you won't need to say that "Everypony in the room bowed." You also don't need to clarify that they bowed as a sign of respect, or that they bowed to their princess, because the readers can assume that.
Also, 'the door opened' is kind of a blank descriptor, don't you think? This is writing, not a movie, you don't always need to record what happens play-by-play, and you can spice things up with adjectives and adverbs to set the tone. If I was in your position, I might write something like this:
"With a soft groan the door opened and Princess Celestia stepped onto the podium. Everypony bowed to her in silent unanimity."
But remember, I'm throwing my very best at your very worst here. Most of your prose was fine. Though perhaps you should find an editor? Unlike me, you're not a perfectionist who goes over his work again and again and again with a fine-tooth comb, so having an extra set of eyes might help you out a lot.
I hope this helps you, rather than irritates you. Stay flamin'!
By the way, why that avatar?
11857705
While your interpretation is valid, since we don't really get a straight answer, I think that some event, such as being ridiculed, caused Twilight to work harder and harder. I didn't mean for Celestia herself to directly cause Twilight stress, but indirectly via jealousy and ridicule from others. That was the point of the classroom scene, and also helps to understand why Twilight prefers to be alone, at least in my view. The idea was that Celestia didn't realize what she was doing was putting a lot of pressure on Twilight. While it may sound ridiculous that Celestia, a 1000+ y/o goddess would make such a mistake, she has made similar mistakes in the past and the future.
Now, as you said it seems like a lot of your worldview came out when critiquing the climax of the story. I understand what you mean, and I think it's wonderful that you brought it up, but in my experience, other people are just as important in the process of healing as the work you put in yourself. Family, friends, you name it. Accepting help is a whole other ball game, however. During "Lesson Zero", Twilight shared her emotions with her friends, but they threw it back at her, saying that her problems weren't a big deal and that she was overreacting. Twilight then felt like she had to do this on her own, that no one understood her, and that she needed to not be tardy no matter what. But what causes someone to overreact over such a small thing? Personality traits certainly help, but I believe some sort of event triggered something in Twilight, and so we move on to the dream sequence. Celestia, Twilight's idol, the very person she doesn't want to show any weakness or insecurity to just saw her pupil at her lowest, and she believes that Celestia was to punish her very harshly for it. But then they talk it out. Twilight lets go and feels secure talking to Celestia after she sees what she was putting her through by naming her prized pupil. Twilight doesn't believe she deserves the title because of the ridicule, the mistakes she has made in the past, and not reaching her standard of excellence, despite her perfectionist nature. Celestia then tries to give Twilight perspective, while also being able to say thank you. Celestia has helped Twilight, and Celestia wishes to show that Twilight has helped her very much as well, especially with helping Luna come back to being her old self again. Luna is also there, as she wishes to pay her respects as well, as Twilight has helped her come back to being herself, but also adjusting to modern life in Equestria when no one else gave her a chance. Maybe I should have put that in retrospect, but hey, whatever. With all that, I like to think it gave Twilight perspective in her life, knowing that she has faults and failures, but strengths and accomplishments. While she may not be fixed right away, it does give her food for thought, and with time, she can accept her faults and failure easier. It also starts her journey into becoming equal with her Alicorn counterparts, but that last one might be a stretch.
I guess a good example would be Fluttershy. She had to "learn" the same lesson over and over again throughout the show about her anxiety, and when to stand up for herself. Sure, the show made it seem that she learned her lesson, but the reality is that even if we consciously know what we did was wrong, it's hard for it to stick. I think if I rewrote the ending to make it seem like Twilight had a lot to think about rather than how it is now, I think it would have made it seem like she was still growing, but not quite there yet.
Now, I think a lot of your world view got revealed, and it's fine to disagree, but you said,
"And isn't that a wonderful fantasy? The only problem is, it's just not true."
The thing is that this IS a fantasy, maybe one more or less grounded in reality, but it's not 100% true to life, as everyone has different experiences with it. I'm not mad, it just comes off as overbearing.
I am not perfect with archaic speech, and the resources online confused me. It was one of the things people criticized when I showed it to them before publishing, and I will try to do better next time. But I think I did a decent job in representing Luna as a bit old school in her mannerisms.
I understand what you mean by 'soft repeating', and that makes a lot of sense. I always think of my stories as movie/play scripts that are more pleasing to read. I guess my writing expresses that, but it does come off as awkward and unengaging at times. What you wrote is far more engaging to the audience.
I'd love to get an editor, but it's not as easy as I thought. Also, I am a perfectionist at heart, but I decided I needed to let go or I wasn't ever going to finish this, so I said "TO TARTARUS WITH IT", sent it to a couple good friends of mine, they enjoyed it, gave feedback, and then I felt it was at a good enough state to be published. If things weren't perfect, people would let me know, and I'd keep that in mind and move forward. I'm glad I did, because if I didn't, I'd still be re-reading my story over and over and over again until I went insane and gave up.
Finally, to answer your question, my avatar comes from a video that I forgot the name of. Pinkie Pie's face got squished, and I call it the bigbootyface (all one word).
Again, thank you for giving me your thoughts. It will help me more than you know! I'd love to read some of your stories if you ever make some!
Thanks for listening and being nice about it.
I'm always afraid of screwing up when it comes to writing (which is one of the reasons I haven't published anything), and honestly, I worry about coming off as the kind of person who thinks he knows everything and can tell other people what's good and bad categorically when it comes to art, when really he's not that smart. I've watched way too many YouTube videos by people like that. Arguments almost never convince either party to admit they're wrong. Nor should they. The good thing about argument is that it forces you to examine very carefully what you think of something and why you think it, and that can help you understand your beliefs better. I know you've done that for me, and I think I've done that for you, so I'm satisfied.
Good luck!