"But what if i'm tardy?"
Twilight Sparkle was known for many things. Studious, organized, and obsessive were words that described her character to a tee. She is Princess Celestia’s star pupil after all, and she only expected the best of her little ponies. But what happens when such a pony, so used to control and expected outcomes is suddenly thrust into an intense situation where time is of the essence and everything is on the line?
“The clock is ticking Twilight, the clock… is… TICKING!”
In a word: insanity.
“Keep it together Twilight!”
Her mane was unkempt, a sign of her inability to practice self-care. She was almost hyperventilating, with her face having a look of insanity written all over it, her smile crooked, and eyes wide open. In situations like these, she seemed like a different pony entirely, having more in common with a cornered mustang than the calm and rational mare she seemed to be… most of the time, anyway.
“If I can’t find a friendship problem…”
Opening a beautiful chest with her magic horn, while stroking her mane with her hooves, she had a dangerous and awful idea.
“I’LL MAKE A FRIENDSHIP PROB—”
As she opened the chest, she saw something she had forgotten a long time ago. Flashbacks of busy evenings studying for tests into the wee hours of the night, and reading wonderful books into the early hours of the morning. All with her best friend in the world. Right now, her only friend in the world.
“Smarty Pants?”
Twilight Sparkle had remembered all the good times they had together. How all of her worries melted away when she saw her face, giving her all the support she needed to seize the day and pass her test on magic, ponish, mathematics, or any other subject that was worrying her. Were those the days of a bygone era, where life was so much simpler? Times where the only fear she had was making sure the public library was organized, and that her assignments were due on time?
Twilight thought in silence for a moment. Maybe things haven’t really changed that much after all. She was simply worrying about getting an assignment done on time, just as she was when she was a little filly. Of course, the repercussions for such an action would be to be pushed back multiple grades, right back to magic kindergarten, so the stakes were much higher than simply disappointing the princess. Seeing Smarty Pants however made it seem as if she could go through Tarturus and not be worse for wear. Maybe she could reconnect with Smarty Pants once more. After all, it seems that her new “friends” don’t take her problem seriously, not like true friends. True friends don’t laugh at your problems, tell you to calm down and suck it up. Maybe they didn’t even care at all. Not like Smarty Pants, she cared. She always cared. And if a stuffed toy was better at alleviating her fears than actual living, breathing ponies, maybe this whole trip to Ponyville was a mistake. In any case, that did not matter now. All that mattered was reconnecting with her long childhood friend, Smarty Pants.
“Oh Smarty, how I’ve missed you!”
Twilight levitated her doll up to her barrel, giving it a very tight hug.
“I am so sorry I haven’t seen you in a while. You know how difficult studying for the princess can be, right?”
The doll gave no response, but the mismatching colorful buttons which represented Smarty’s eyes were far more comforting than any words could have been for the purple mare.
“Maybe you can help me find a friendship problem, ehh Smarty?”
Moving over to her bed, she sat down, looking deeply into Smarty’s button eyes. All of her worries had seemingly melted away, just as they had when she was a little filly. Maybe she was right. Things hadn’t changed all that much. And maybe, just maybe, things would work out just fine as they always have. Just then, a yawn stifles upon Twilight.
“*yawn* Wow, what was I worrying about again?”
Her eyes felt heavy, as if Smarty Pants had casted a spell of drowsiness on her. Was she really that worn out after today's events? She eventually drifted off into a long, deep rest, spooning Smarty Pants, and smiling like the filly she still was at heart.
***
“Twilight!~”, said a pink Alicorn, “where could she be?”
Twilight giggled mischievously, blissfully unaware that Cadence knew exactly where she and Smarty Pants were.
“Is she… inside this drawer!?”
Said Cadence, loud enough for Twilight to hear.
Twilight tried to laugh quietly, but her foal sitter could hear the muffled giggles. Cadence then looked at the clock. 10:30 PM. It was past Twilight’s bedtime, and playtime would have to end soon. A frown soon found itself on Cadence’s face.
It seems that it's time to wrap things up, Cadence thought to herself. She approaches Twilight’s room slowly, building as much suspense for the lavender filly by looking under books and other places which obviously no pony, no matter how small, could ever hide in. These bogus attempts at trying to find her made Twilight let out another quiet yet audible giggle. Cadence smiled, thinking about the great moments they had together, and the bright future the foal she was taking care of would have at Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns. She would go on to do great things, everyone was sure of it. But it was nice to see behind the title of young genius and see a young, optimistic filly, ready to take on the world and have fun while doing so. That’s enough reminiscing, Cadence thought to herself, it's time for bed. She walked slowly towards Twilight’s bed, hitting the climax of the tension Twilight had felt. Did Cadence know where she and Smarty Pants were this whole time? Eventually the slow walk had stopped, and in a few moments, no one had moved a muscle… until…
“There you are!”
Twilight let out a yelp, as Cadence’s head looked under the bed. She was caught, but she was somewhat glad that she was found. After all, what would happen if she never found her? It took her a long while this time, and she thought this place would have been pretty obvious… Her thoughts were interrupted as Cadence pulled her and smarty pants out from under her bed with magic.
“You hid really well this time, Twilight! You’re getting so much better!”
Twilight was confused, but responded with,
“Thank you, Cadence”
The two ponies eyed each other with such love, as though they were long lost sisters, reunited by chance. Which made it all the harder for them to leave each other once again.
“Well Twilight, isn’t your exam tomorrow?”
Twilight froze in fear. She had completely forgotten all about that while playing with Cadence.
“Uhh, yes, it is. I uhh, uhh”
Twilight was nervous. She didn’t know how that could have happened, how she could have been so blindsided by her end of course exam of all things? Cadence could see the terror in Twilight. How her eyes widened and darted everywhere; her pupils as small as a bread crumbs as she tried to figure out how to resolve the situation, all the while clenching Smarty Pants in both of her fore legs.
“Twilight…”
Cadence went in for an embrace with Twilight and Smarty Pants.
“Twilight, please don’t fret. You’ve tried so hard to and have proven time and time again you have what it takes to pass.”
Twilight's worry had melted away, feeling the warmth of Smarty Pants and of her foal sitter.
“You can do it Twilight, we are all here for you. We love you!”
Twilight trusted Cadence like a sister, and with that sisterly trust, her words were like water that doused the fire that was burning away at her mind. They embraced for what felt like hours. In reality, it lasted for 5 minutes. Noticing that time was slowly slipping away from them, it was time to put Twilight to bed.
“Twilight, it's time to go to bed. You have a big day tomorrow.”
“I know Cadence… I know.”
“I’m that case, let me tuck you in.”
Cadence used her wings to carry herself and Twilight over the bed, while using her magic to put the covers over Twilight and her doll.
“But Cadence, will all my efforts be enough? Will I be good enough? What if—“
Cadence softly put a hoof on Twilight’s mouth while just as softly shushing her.
“Twilight, do you trust me?”
Twilight nodded in response.
“Then trust me when I say that you will do fine tomorrow. More than fine actually, you’ll probably ace it if you try your best. But please try to get some rest. I’ll be downstairs if you need me, just like always, okay?”
Twilight nodded once again.
Cadence gave a warm smile before walking away to turn off the lights.
“Good night Twilight. I love you.”
She then turns off the lights. What should have been a nice, calming gesture had lit a fire in the young lavender filly’s belly. She needed to ace that test by any means necessary. She grabbed a flashlight, grabbed several of her school books, highlighters, pencils, notebooks, flash cards, and anything else she needed and got to work. She studied as much as she could late into the night. She needed to study as much as possible, or else, what if she disappointed her parents? What about Cadence? What about Celestia? She needed to try her best, and the only thing she could do was to study as much as possible. For Twilight, that would be two hours, 36 minutes and 45 seconds until her bodily need for sleep had won over her obsession for excellence.
***
Twilight Sparkle was awoken to the sound of her mother.
“TWILIGHT YOU NEED TO GET UP OR YOU ARE GOING TO BE TARDY!”
Twilight’s mother pulled the sheets right off of the bed, leaving only a scared and confused Twilight, Smarty Pants, and several books and writing utensils. Twilight’s mane was unkempt, her eyes wide, wondering what was going on.
“You wouldn’t want princess Celestia to be disappointed, would you Twilight?”
Twilight sprung into action, skipping most of her morning routine and heading straight to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Galloping at a steady pace, the young lavender filly knew she didn’t have much time.
Has class started already? Twilight thought, what if they already started passing out the papers? Am I ready to take the test? What if I fail? What if I get held back? What if I get kicked out? What i'll Celestia think? Will everyone see me for the fraud I am? What if—
Twilight's thought process was interrupted when she saw the steps of the Celestia's School, nervous on the prospect of being late for the end of course exam.
Better tardy than never… she thought to herself
As she went into her class room, her magic instructor, Sour Plum, greeted her.
“You’re tardy, Sparkle. Some protege you are.”
The comment had caused the fillies and colts in the room to burst out in laughter.
“What a waste!”, commented one filly.
“Ha ha ha! ‘Most faithful student’?! Give me a break!” , Said another.
Twilight was embarrassed out of her mind. Her heart was racing, and all she could do was shutter. Mrs. Plum smiled with delight. It seems that every pony has come to the same conclusion; she is a fraud.
Her devious smile became more pronounced with every passing second. The satisfaction she felt from separating the wheat from the chaff was immeasurable. The so-called “protégé” of the princess is tardy for her end of course exam? The irony was lost on no one, especially on the mare who was the rump of the joke. However, today was to be spent on testing the students.
Humiliation could continue after test scores were finalized, the instructor thought to herself. Until then, Mrs. Plum gave a large sigh while raising her gauntlet with her magic and slammed it down to silence the class.
Plum cleared her throat before staring, “The end of course exam shall resume without delay. Ms. Sparkle, please take a seat.”
All the students paid attention to their instructor. All except Twilight Sparkle, who was still shaking; her eyes closed and mind present only on the shame and guilt that flowed through her.
“Ms. Sparkle!” Yelled the magic instructor, “I will not ask you again.”
Sour Plum gave her pupil a stern glare that would put fear in a manticore. As a result, Twilight was able to compose herself again, and went to her seat at the front of the classroom.
“Very well. Without any further delay, your end of course starts now. If you have any questions, please raise your hoof, and I will come to you.”
***
2 hours have passed, and Twilight Sparkle was relieved to have finished her test. It wasn’t difficult by any means, but that didn’t stop her from double and triple checking her work before turning in her work to Mrs. Plum.
Mrs. Plum mouthed the words thank you to Twilight as she gave her the worksheet. She would be one of the last students to do so. After some time had passed, all the papers had been collected and graded, Sour Plum cleared her thoughts to make an announcement.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, Princess Celestia of Equestria!”
The princess opened the door with her magic and entered the room. Everypony in the room bowed to their princess as a sign of respect. Twilight was no different, but her anxiety around the princess was far greater than before. She was hoping that she would be satisfied with her performance, ignorant of the fact that she was tardy, or at the very least, forgive her for her transgressions against her idol. But what if she wouldn’t? What if her anger toward her convinces her that she wasn’t her star pupil after all, and kicks her out of the school? Then what? Twilight's body shuddered at the thought.
As the solar princess made her way toward the front of the class, she looked around, trying to find her protégé. Her eyes locked with Twilight’s. All Twilight Sparkle could do was lower her head in submission, hoping that the nonverbal admission of guilt would somehow hopefully save her from her wrath.
“My faithful student,” Celestia said, “please come here.”
Twilight did as she was told, trying not to show her fear as best she could. As she was in front of the princess, Celestia embraced her.
“There is no reason to be afraid, Twilight. This is all but a dream. An awful, terrible dream of your own creation.”
Twilight was calm, closing her eyes, and letting herself go between her idol’s barrel and hooves. Eventually, things started to distort, ponies, who once seemed so real, blended into a background of dark blues and purples. She felt her own stature grow, with her head traveling from Celestia’s chest all the way to her right shoulder.
“I am sorry Twilight, I did not know how much pressure I was putting on you. I did not know what was happening.”
Twilight's eyes started to water.
“I’m sorry I put you through such pain, I only wanted the best for you. I saw your potential, and I still do. You are so faithful, yet I have failed to reward that faith. I am so sorry.”
Twilight sobbed, letting out a whirlwind of emotions she felt for so long. All the doubt, all the fear, shame, guilt, was trapped within a dam of iron and steel. But it was not enough, and the dam that was supposed to hold in the vicious and destructive emotions from reeking havoc has burst, leading to nothing being withheld from Celestia.
“I tried— heh, I really did! I tried!” Said a crying Twilight Sparkle.
“I know you did. It is not your fault. The blame is squarely on my shoulders.”
Twilight's sobs of defeat did not stop for a while, leading to said shoulders becoming moist with her tears.
***
“So all of it was a dream?” asked Twilight.
“Indeed it was. A vivid and dreadful one, but still a dream. But I happen to recall a similar event about a decade ago…”
Twilight cheeks grew pink with embarrassment, while clenching her teeth.
“You would be right, princess. That would be around the time I was in magic kindergarten.”
“Ah yes, I remember now. How much of the dream is true to reality?”
“It was rather vivid, as you said.”
“So, you feel like a fraud Twilight? You feel as though you must constantly prove yourself to be my faithful student?”
“Princess, I… I don’t want to disappoint you. I want to prove that I deserve my position, that I deserve your guidance and your respect. I want to show you that any task you give me, I will excel at.”
“And you have. Ever since I met you on that fateful day, I have never had reason to doubt your ability, quite the opposite in fact.”
“While I appreciate the sentiment of your highness, I’m sure you’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“It seems thou hast forgotten thy deeds, Twilight Sparkle.”
Said a dark figure, emerging from the darkness. “Something with a mare in thee moon and the stars aiding in her escape?”
“Princess Luna?!” Questioned Twilight Sparkle
“In the flesh.” responded Luna
“Twilight,” Celestia said, “Luna and I, for the last thousand years, had to deal with a nightmare. We had loved each other, but anger built up, and this love was lost by jealousy on her part, and arrogance on my own.”
“And thus,” interjected Luna, “such a feud between mine sisters and I hast caused the greatest nightmare: Nightmare Moon.”
“Only after a thousand years did a band of heroines come to save Luna. Tell me Twilight, who led those heroines?”
“Well”, Twilight Responded, “to say I am the leader of the elements of harmony is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?”
“Twilight, it was you who told the ponies what was going on. It was you who told them everything and how to fix the problem that faces Equestria. It was you who helped bring back my sister.”
“But princess, I can’t take credit for it. If it wasn’t for the others, we would have failed!”
“And if it weren’t for you, would they have banded together around you?”
Twilight thought for a moment, taking in what the princess was saying.
“Twilight Sparkle”, Luna said, “you have been my sister's pupil for many years. And we have been told you are the latest of many, many other pupils. None can compare to what you hast done for us.”
“And we are in your debt Twilight. You saved my sister; did what I could not. Without you, we would not be here telling you this.”
Twilight looked around this… void, for a lack of a better word.
“Speaking of, where are we?”
“The land of dreams; my domain” said Luna
“I fail to understand, princess Luna.”
“My dear sister administers her domain, Equestria, during the day time. At night, I take over in the land of dreams.”
“So you are able to see into every ponies dream?”
“And interfere as necessary.”
“Amazing… I have never read of such power in my books.”
“That is because Alicorn spells and powers are strictly forbidden unless one has clearance for it. One day, you will learn this power, and many more, but that is neither here, nor there.”
Luna continued, “Our dear sister did not receive one of your ‘friendship lessons’, as my sister dubs them, so we felt as though something was wrong. Alas, it seems that ‘Tia was correct. She knows thy student well.”
Twilight once again started to panic
“Oh no, please don’t be mad at me Celestia.”
“Why would I be? It's not like there will always be a friendship problem every week. You weren’t worried that I would punish you for it, were you?”
Twilight stood dumbfounded at what she just heard.
“So.. you aren’t going to bring me back to Magic Kindergarten?”
“Is that what has gotten you so worried, my pupil?”
“…yes…”
“Why would our sister take you all the way back to a grade next to foals learning how to use telekinesis when you are more than capable of—“
“Lulu, if I may,” interrupted Celestia.
Luna nodded.
“Twilight,” Celestia said, “ rest assured that you will not be punished, especially so harshly, for such a small and unavoidable mistake outside of your control. You have done so much. You helped ponyville become far more organized with their events, schedules, library, and a multitude of other things. You were able to bring together several ponies who would otherwise not be friends. You are the glue that keeps them together, and one day you will be the glue that binds all of Equestria. Look before you to know what we mean.”
Luna nuzzled her sister in a show of affection, but also of thanks to Twilight.
“So it is odd to see how you see yourself like this. Insecure. Unsure. Scared. I know that these problems cannot be fixed overnight, but I do know that you have fixed problems far more tenuous than this. As we said before, we are in your debt, and we are so proud beyond measure of your milestones and achievements. This is but one more milestone to set.”
Twilight once again started to tear up.
“Shhh, its okay my little pony”
Celestia embraced Twilight, with Luna following shortly after
“Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna, “we have much in store for thee but for now, know that we are happy to have you as our friend… and savior.”
Twilight lightly sobs some more, slowly taking on what the princesses have told her. Slowly, everything fades to black
***
A groggy Twilight wakes up from her longer than expected nap. Looking around, everything is far darker than she remembered. Has she really been that tired? What even happened yester—?
“Gasp, SPIKE! WHAT TIME IS IT, I AM GOING TO BE TARDY FOR WRITING TO THE—”
In one moment, flashbacks of her dream, and her conversation with the princesses put paid to those thoughts. Suddenly, a groaning Spike answers her.
“Twilight, what the hay are you talking about?”, a groaning Spike answers her.
Twilight tries to hide her embarrassment by looking at Smarty Pants.
“I am so sorry Spike. I had a nightmare. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”
The baby dragon was unamused, but accepted the answer so he may go back to sleep. Twilight decided to do the same. And this time, she knew exactly what to write to the princess.
***
“Dear Princess Celestia,
today I learned that sometimes, we ask too much of ourselves and others. Our desire to overcome challenges and attain respect at times, leads us to drowning ourselves in a glass of water. While this isn’t exactly a typical friendship lesson, I think it is important to express this for our own relationship. I want to thank you and Princess Luna for helping me out and seeing how much pressure I have been putting on myself. Although technically this message is tardy, something tells me you won’t send me back to magic kindergarten. With that said, I still have every intention to serve you and keep learning about the magic of friendship.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.”
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Absolutely loved this downright beautiful AU one-shot. The flashbacks to Twilight's childhood and time with Cadance before the "dream world chat" with Celestia (with some help from Luna) were quite well done (especially Celestia owning up to not doing as good a job reassuring Twilight when she need it as much as she should have). And yeah, Twilight getting teased by the other students for being late was harsh, even if the teacher tried to be reasonable. Indeed, this going down before Twilight had a chance to pull the "want it, need it" spell on Miss Smarty Pants saved A LOT of frustration.
Again, the dialogues, characterizations and general wrap-up were superb. I kind of wish "Lesson Zero" actually ended this way.
Since you asked for constructive criticism, I'll give it to you, to best of my ability. But it's not like I'm some great writer either, so take what I say with a grain of salt!
As I read through the beginning of the story I found myself liking it. I wanted to see why Twilight was traumatized by magic kindergarten. I was alright with the answer you gave, too. But then I hit the part where she meets Celestia, and all of a sudden I was skipping paragraphs, barely reading a thing, right through to the end.
Part of me feels like it was because you were repeating yourself too much, that you really needed to trim it down to just 5-ish paragraphs and move on. But I don't think that's quite right. Maybe it's because I've felt something like what Twilight is feeling here, and nobody showed up to help me in my dreams. Maybe it's because the solution you give- her mentor showing up to validate her- is an external solution, but the problem is an internal one.
I guess it comes off as a cop-out to me because I've tried waiting for solutions to my problems to come along by themselves, and they never did. I've learned that solutions only come to those who are willing to look their problems in the eye, and I don't think Twilight ever had a moment where she mared up and faced her imposter syndrome. You wrote the morning of the soul, but skipped the darkest hour. And- I understand that. The darkest hour isn't a nice place to be. I've done the same thing, actually, if not in writing then in my fantasies. If I was your editor, though, I'd have made Twilight openly admit to what she was feeling before Celestia started comforting her. But that's my solution. It's just an idea that you might choose to add to your extensive toolkit.
Overall, I think you're a fine writer. I kind of doubt your writing will ever be 'my thing', but you managed to write something decent and publish it, and that by itself is worthy of praise. (If it was me, I would treat myself). I wish you a productive writing career. Just don't try to base your self-worth on it (like I did for while, and my God was that miserable), and make sure to have fun. As for quality, I don't have high expectations for you, so prove me wrong!
How is this story an alternate universe fanfic?
11857089
This story takes place during "Lesson Zero" of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic: Season 2, Episode 3, but ends in a different way. Its technically an alternative universe, it just isn't that different to the original universe. Hope that clears things up!
11856987
Thank you for the kind words. I wish something like this happened in the show too. It always felt like Twilight was dealing with certain underlying feelings that were never addressed, such as her work not being enough, constant perfectionist attitude, and desire to measure to others and her own standards. She always wants to learn, always wants to do more, always is making sure that everything is recorded with a paper and quill. While most episodes imply that she does this because of a natural curiosity and desire for excellency, as well as personal satisfaction, “Lesson Zero” made fear the main motivator in all she did. I wanted to explore why that was, and why she was so scared of magic kindergarten, being tardy, and of failure. I think I did an alright job, but in retrospect, I think I could have done more. Maybe showing a bit of Twilight’s home life would have been a good idea, for example. I really liked the part with Celestia, Luna and Twilight, especially about the part when the two sisters thanked Twilight for saving their relationship with each other. That is a massive debt to repay, yet Twilight still believes herself to be not good enough. It puts things into perspective I think.
Still, I am happy with how it came out, and I am glad with how the story came out, and I am glad that you enjoyed it too. Thank you for reading!
I hope to create some more stories, some with similar themes and some not so similar. Anyway, cheers!
11857049
Thank you for reading and giving your thoughts. I really can’t stress that enough, and you’ve given me a lot to think about.
I don’t fully understand what you meant by “You wrote the morning of the soul, but skipped the darkest hour”, but I do understand where you are coming from in the sense of using an external solution for an internal problem. I didn’t intend for this to be a solution to Twilight’s problem, but rather the beginning of her coming to terms with her nature and improving from there. In other words, her not being blind to her problems, but actually seeing it for the first time, looking it straight into the eyes. Of course, since she was unable to do it during the show, I thought it was more reasonable if someone else pointed it out to her, and who is better to point things out than her mentors, Celestia and Luna, and to a smaller extent, Cadence. My interpretation is that they didn’t really fix anything here, but their conversation wasn’t meant to be a solution in the first place. It was meant as a way to say sorry, while also giving perspective to Twilight. And I believe with that perspective, as well as support from others, that Twilight can manage her feelings better. I don’t think it was a copout, quite the opposite actually, since everyone was taking responsibility, but I do understand that the ending may have implied that everything was magically fixed easily and quickly, so maybe the ending should have been handled a bit better there.
Again, thank you so much for reading this. You made my day!
That's really interesting. I had to go back and re-read your story to try and see it from your point of view. And it goes to show how two different people can get very different things from the same words, depending on the mindset they bring to them. (And by the way, have I mentioned that this is really good for a first story? There are some people who've published twenty stories here and aren't as good as this).
One thing that shows this is my confusion about Celestia's apology. Now, I guess you interpreted Twilight's worried nature in canon as a result of Celestia pushing her too hard, and that's a valid way to look at it. However, my interpretation always was that the anxiety came from Twilight herself, since when Celestia and Twilight talk in the show, Celestia is always telling Twilight to relax and not worry so much. So if you wanted to make Celestia's apology work for me, you would have had to write a flashback (probably during the dream sequence) where she was putting more pressure on Twilight than she was comfortable with, causing her to become anxious. As it was, I just couldn't see what Celestia was apologizing for.
As for your ending, honestly, it was fine with me. The only part I got thrown off by was the climax.
Now, looking at it from your point of view- I don't know. It's not the way I would ever even think of writing. If you're trying to show how an external factor can change a pony, then fine, what happened makes sense. But from the way you set up the story I was expecting it to be about a pony facing and resolving their internal conflict. So maybe it's the beginning you should have changed.
Still, I can't help but think that what you really wanted to do was make an internal story. After all, everything but the climax was set up just like it would be in the story I was expecting. Maybe what you really wanted to to do was make something more like that story, but you screwed up because of inexperience? (Celestia showing up out of nowhere to fix the main plot problem is literally a textbook Deus Ex Machina). Or maybe you wanted to do something quite different, but the 'normal' story format was so ingrained in your head that you couldn't figure out how to break away from it, except at the most crucial point. Or maybe you wrote exactly what you wanted to, but I dislike it because I don't agree with your worldview. I don't know, I can't tell you how to write your story, just give you my honest impression.
So let me tell you what I think as honestly as I can. I think this story is just like loads of others that go "Character is sad and and afraid they're worthless, so someone they care about shows up to comfort them and their kind words get rid of the character's insecurities." Now you're more nuanced than that, but at heart that's what this story is about. And isn't that a wonderful fantasy? The only problem is, it's just not true. No-one's going to come and save you. Not that other people can't help, but you have to seek that help first. It's not the stories that told me that I would be miraculously saved if I just slept for long enough that helped me. It was the ones that told me that things won't get better until I faced my problems, but that I was strong enough to survive doing that.
And I can also tell you this: the people who write these kinds of stories get a small following that appreciates them, but it's never much. It's the people who write stories where the main character doesn't have the answers handed to them that really resonate. Think of the stories you love, and see what they do! I know you don't see your story as being like that, but I do, and so it's reasonable to expect that a good few other people will as well. And while you shouldn't care too much about what other people think, it might be smart to give their ideas some consideration. Maybe you don't like my solution? Good! Flip the script on me! I want to be surprised. I want to be blown away. I don't even care if I don't like it. Just make sure you don't try to hide things in the fog.
A couple more things that I noticed during the re-read that are a lot less subjective and messy than what we've been talking about. Firstly, I've read a lot of Shakespeare, so I noticed that Luna was using 'hast' where she shouldn't have. Here's a simple chart:
I have
Thou hast
He/she/it hath
We/you/they have
I didn't notice any other problems on that end, so good on you for that!
Lastly, you did something that just about every new writer does, which I call 'soft repeating': saying the same thing twice in some non-obvious way. For instance:
"The door opened and the Princess entered the room. Everypony in the room bowed to their princess as a sign of respect."
Once you've clarified that the Princess is in the room, you won't need to say that "Everypony in the room bowed." You also don't need to clarify that they bowed as a sign of respect, or that they bowed to their princess, because the readers can assume that.
Also, 'the door opened' is kind of a blank descriptor, don't you think? This is writing, not a movie, you don't always need to record what happens play-by-play, and you can spice things up with adjectives and adverbs to set the tone. If I was in your position, I might write something like this:
"With a soft groan the door opened and Princess Celestia stepped onto the podium. Everypony bowed to her in silent unanimity."
But remember, I'm throwing my very best at your very worst here. Most of your prose was fine. Though perhaps you should find an editor? Unlike me, you're not a perfectionist who goes over his work again and again and again with a fine-tooth comb, so having an extra set of eyes might help you out a lot.
I hope this helps you, rather than irritates you. Stay flamin'!
By the way, why that avatar?
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While your interpretation is valid, since we don't really get a straight answer, I think that some event, such as being ridiculed, caused Twilight to work harder and harder. I didn't mean for Celestia herself to directly cause Twilight stress, but indirectly via jealousy and ridicule from others. That was the point of the classroom scene, and also helps to understand why Twilight prefers to be alone, at least in my view. The idea was that Celestia didn't realize what she was doing was putting a lot of pressure on Twilight. While it may sound ridiculous that Celestia, a 1000+ y/o goddess would make such a mistake, she has made similar mistakes in the past and the future.
Now, as you said it seems like a lot of your worldview came out when critiquing the climax of the story. I understand what you mean, and I think it's wonderful that you brought it up, but in my experience, other people are just as important in the process of healing as the work you put in yourself. Family, friends, you name it. Accepting help is a whole other ball game, however. During "Lesson Zero", Twilight shared her emotions with her friends, but they threw it back at her, saying that her problems weren't a big deal and that she was overreacting. Twilight then felt like she had to do this on her own, that no one understood her, and that she needed to not be tardy no matter what. But what causes someone to overreact over such a small thing? Personality traits certainly help, but I believe some sort of event triggered something in Twilight, and so we move on to the dream sequence. Celestia, Twilight's idol, the very person she doesn't want to show any weakness or insecurity to just saw her pupil at her lowest, and she believes that Celestia was to punish her very harshly for it. But then they talk it out. Twilight lets go and feels secure talking to Celestia after she sees what she was putting her through by naming her prized pupil. Twilight doesn't believe she deserves the title because of the ridicule, the mistakes she has made in the past, and not reaching her standard of excellence, despite her perfectionist nature. Celestia then tries to give Twilight perspective, while also being able to say thank you. Celestia has helped Twilight, and Celestia wishes to show that Twilight has helped her very much as well, especially with helping Luna come back to being her old self again. Luna is also there, as she wishes to pay her respects as well, as Twilight has helped her come back to being herself, but also adjusting to modern life in Equestria when no one else gave her a chance. Maybe I should have put that in retrospect, but hey, whatever. With all that, I like to think it gave Twilight perspective in her life, knowing that she has faults and failures, but strengths and accomplishments. While she may not be fixed right away, it does give her food for thought, and with time, she can accept her faults and failure easier. It also starts her journey into becoming equal with her Alicorn counterparts, but that last one might be a stretch.
I guess a good example would be Fluttershy. She had to "learn" the same lesson over and over again throughout the show about her anxiety, and when to stand up for herself. Sure, the show made it seem that she learned her lesson, but the reality is that even if we consciously know what we did was wrong, it's hard for it to stick. I think if I rewrote the ending to make it seem like Twilight had a lot to think about rather than how it is now, I think it would have made it seem like she was still growing, but not quite there yet.
Now, I think a lot of your world view got revealed, and it's fine to disagree, but you said,
"And isn't that a wonderful fantasy? The only problem is, it's just not true."
The thing is that this IS a fantasy, maybe one more or less grounded in reality, but it's not 100% true to life, as everyone has different experiences with it. I'm not mad, it just comes off as overbearing.
I am not perfect with archaic speech, and the resources online confused me. It was one of the things people criticized when I showed it to them before publishing, and I will try to do better next time. But I think I did a decent job in representing Luna as a bit old school in her mannerisms.
I understand what you mean by 'soft repeating', and that makes a lot of sense. I always think of my stories as movie/play scripts that are more pleasing to read. I guess my writing expresses that, but it does come off as awkward and unengaging at times. What you wrote is far more engaging to the audience.
I'd love to get an editor, but it's not as easy as I thought. Also, I am a perfectionist at heart, but I decided I needed to let go or I wasn't ever going to finish this, so I said "TO TARTARUS WITH IT", sent it to a couple good friends of mine, they enjoyed it, gave feedback, and then I felt it was at a good enough state to be published. If things weren't perfect, people would let me know, and I'd keep that in mind and move forward. I'm glad I did, because if I didn't, I'd still be re-reading my story over and over and over again until I went insane and gave up.
Finally, to answer your question, my avatar comes from a video that I forgot the name of. Pinkie Pie's face got squished, and I call it the bigbootyface (all one word).
Again, thank you for giving me your thoughts. It will help me more than you know! I'd love to read some of your stories if you ever make some!
Thanks for listening and being nice about it.
I'm always afraid of screwing up when it comes to writing (which is one of the reasons I haven't published anything), and honestly, I worry about coming off as the kind of person who thinks he knows everything and can tell other people what's good and bad categorically when it comes to art, when really he's not that smart. I've watched way too many YouTube videos by people like that. Arguments almost never convince either party to admit they're wrong. Nor should they. The good thing about argument is that it forces you to examine very carefully what you think of something and why you think it, and that can help you understand your beliefs better. I know you've done that for me, and I think I've done that for you, so I'm satisfied.
Good luck!