"No time for goodbye," he said as he faded away. "Don't put your life in someone's hands; they're bound to steal it away. Don't hide your mistakes, 'cause they'll find you, burn you."
Ponyville is experiencing a rash of insanity. The stranger thing is: only the bearers of the Elements of Harmony seem to be affected. After learning of her faithful student's willing incarceration within the Institute for Not Sane Ponies, Princess Celestia hires the best detective duo Equestria has seen in over five hundred years.
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"Why does it have a doctor who-esque title?" I hear you cry.
Well you see, Staple says screw the rules.
Ah, you ask a silly question you get a silly answer.
That was great!
I really like your interview scene, nice crafting there.
This is a good base of a story to expand on.
Silver out!
I feel like an idiot for adding this to my read later list when I already have too many there, but I will, and I will get around to reading this sometime. And by sometime, I mean anywhere from tomorrow to three months from now.
1415657
I've got 378 stories on mine, so if I add something it's more like anywhere from next week to next year.
But... Where's Applejack?
Okay, this definitely has promise, and you certainly do have potential. That's why I'm going to give you a stern look real quick and say this:
Revise the beginning.
StapleCactus, you have such a good shot at opening us right into the mood of the story from the get-go, but you need to rewrite it. Live more in the moment, let the details come more naturally instead of coming from a need to catch us up quickly. If you get our attention with what's going on currently with the necessary details trickling in a couple of story beats later, we'll be a-okay.
Think about it, for a moment: You have your two detective ponies on the train, headed off to investigate this very odd case. Maybe they've been on the train for awhile, and maybe they're both apprehensive about this case. You know what? I'll give you a quick-shot edit to show you what's going on in my brain:
The repetitive ‘cla-clack’ of the train’s wheels riding along the segmented rails of track filled the cabin space. Raising my head after staring at reports about our destination and necessary contacts for hours, I eyed my superior. I say superior, but I was more of a companion and partner to the detective. It just felt right, considering her skills far outweighed even the princesses in finding details beneath the mediocre.
Okay... Let's tackle the first issue: in-the-moment feeling. You had an excellent opening sentence that IMMEDIATELY gives us a base for how we're supposed to be feeling, because of the term, "repetitive." Things that get repetitive are either very comforting or very boring, or maybe a half-n-half of each. Good starting point.
But then, you leave the observation and feeling-generation to fix the narrator's gaze on her partner (the underlined bit). Not only did you jump right into that, but the sentence itself is just awkward. I can't stand the phrasing, though I clearly understand what you're trying to impart, and why you did it that way--speed and compactness. Thing is, though, you can't really compact things in a story too much until its got its steam going. So, here's whatcha do:
1) Generate the moment and feeling of being on the train and how the narrator character feels beyond the first sentence. That was an aural observation; we get a sense of the sound as well as understanding where we are. But what else should we know before the narrator glances around? Create the environment for your reader and the reality by describing the location and layering it with a character's emotions and opinions.
2) Find way cleaner methods for putting information together. Because this is first-person narration, you have extreme liberty for crafting sentences, and you do not have to strictly be a 'writer.' Take the sentence, Raising my head after staring at reports about our destination and necessary contacts for hours, I eyed my superior.; that easily could've been, The reports on all our contacts and destination were laid out in front of me--I'd been staring at them for hours, and every time I blinked, I could see the words imprinted on my eyelids. I raised my head and eyed my superior, shifting the scene for a change.
The character is telling the story--let them do it. Please, please, please resist that writer's urge to butt in with something narrative. If you choose to let a character narrate, then you've surrendered your full power of executive decision and overbearing opinions in favor of a much more flavored story.
Here's a good example for you, starting with the original text:
A simple beige earth pony, she didn’t get much business in Canterlot. That is, until she solved the case of the Mad Polisher. Since then, her reputation skyrocketed as time and again, she solved mysteries other detectives thought impossible. Her evergreen locks fell across her face as she slept in the nearby cot, though I have no idea how she could with the constant noise.
Now, you need to think of it like this--a 1st-person narrator is seeing things, then reacting. The reaction may be thought, emotion, reaction, or action. In this scene, the character looks at our detective--that's the seeing. Then, there must be the reaction of thought, which provides our information; you tried to do it in the first sentence, but you stuck it in there as a writer. Here is how it could've been done, taking context from the text above:
Evergreen locks fell across her face as she slept in the nearby cot, though I had no idea how she could rest with the constant noise. She was a simple beige earth pony--a relatively-unknown detective who didn't get much business in Canterlot. It wasn't until she solved the case of the Mad Polisher that things started turning around; her reputation took off and skyrocketed as time and again, she solved mysteries other detectives thought impossible. Yes, she was a simple beige earth pony--but only in appearance.
You are smart. You know how to do this. My only instruction is this: Listen to the narrator, and live the moment.
imageshack.us/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
1416721
Yay! Some criticism! Now for the rebuttal.
I can't help but think you're putting too much faith in me here. Smart? Possibly. Know how to do this? Not so much. You mention that I should listen to the narrator and live the moment, but time and again I say that I can not do such a thing. These characters do not have a life in my head; they do not speak to me. Every time I hear someone say such a thing, it wounds me, simply because I honestly think I can't be a good author if I can't hear the characters.
As for the information dump... I knew it was such from the very beginning. There was a lot more information I thought had to be put on this chapter that I didn't add simply because I wanted to avoid too much info dumping.
Honestly, I think I need someone like you to tell me what is and is not necessary and how I should word things. After writing a chapter (consider it a first draft), I can't find anything that needs to be revised. Hence, that first draft becomes the final draft without change and it shows. I've got an Ebook to edit for RavensDagger due in 5 days, so I'll have to hold off on your edits till then.
Thank you for your comment and I will revise the chapter before I start the next one (experience gained may make the next one better). As a side note: interesting choice of gender for the narrator.
1418358
HEY! No peeing on yourself in here for subjective lack of skills and/or talent! I'm the only one authorized to do that, and I forbid it from you. Now, for my rebuttal to your rebuttal:
These characters do not have a life in my head; they do not speak to me. Every time I hear someone say such a thing, it wounds me, simply because I honestly think I can't be a good author if I can't hear the characters.
Understandable.
Letting characters bloom life of their own takes time--no, literally, it takes a moment of sitting around in silence or decent quiet and letting them talk. It's not something you can force; if a character wants to converse or share secrets, THEY will choose the moment. Otherwise, you'll never get a "talking character" moment to give you verbatim instructions.
And the secret is... most people don't.
5493-files.voxcdn.com/files/resource_media/preview/mlp-pinkamena-clop-5340_preview.gif
And some who do are just schizophrenics with keyboards and spare time.
You get to understand what a character is like by analyzing and examining them. Explore their history, their quirks, their makeup and personality, and you will come to understand them. Through that understanding comes a guiding light to lead you on your way in narration. Now, I do not specifically mean, "Sit down and have a conversation." I mean, let their memories play in your head, allow scenes from their life to show traits of personality that are revealing. Can you have a conversation? Sure thing--it's been done. Is that the only way? Nnnnope.
Don't feel like you're a bad author because you don't get a specific thing that SOME other people get SOMETIMES. It sounds like magic, but the only magic around it is that it's very spontaneous and, when it occurs, very revealing (as long as you ask the right questions).
You mention that I should listen to the narrator and live the moment, but time and again I say that I can not do such a thing.
Okay, let's push the whole "listening" thing aside for a minute, because I did just address that, and it doesn't have to do with my next point:
Living the moment is simply putting your consciousness in the character's body. As I was giving examples in my previous comment, I imagined myself inside that pony narrator's head, seated on that train, with all the docs spread out in front of her. The green-maned, beige detective sat across from me, and I imagined seeing her somewhat slumped against the side cushion, a foreleg propping up her head, mouth hanging just slightly open. I heard the train noises, felt the seat, saw the things.
That is all that living a moment truly is--experiencing it as if you were the narrative character. You then report your findings in accordance with the narrator's emotions, thoughts, feelings, and personality.
Does that take some work? Heck, yeah, it might; some of us are born visualizers, others need to grow the talent until they become skilled. But if you have good imagination in the first place, you can do it.
images.t-nation.com/forum_images/6/9/69766_ORIG-waterboy_2.jpg
"ALL NIGHT LONG!"
Honestly, I think I need someone like you to tell me what is and is not necessary and how I should word things. After writing a chapter (consider it a first draft), I can't find anything that needs to be revised. Hence, that first draft becomes the final draft without change and it shows.]
Is that possibly because you try to revise almost immediately after completion? If so, you're trying to taste a baked good you just pulled out of the oven; it's still hot, it will burn your tongue, and then, you won't taste if it's good or terrible. No sensory taste.
Stephen King has taught that a writer just can't be objective enough with their work when it's fresh off the stovetop. It needs time to cool, to be forgotten about, so the emotional attachment dies away enough that the author isn't 'burned' by editing their precious children, even if they seriously need it.
Are pony fics serious enough to let cool on the windowsill for a bit before serious revision? That's an opinion entitled to anyone, and the matter is also of subjective importance; you'll be the judge of what's important enough to revisit. Fics to writers may be like doodles to artists--just screwing around, getting a temp reading of skill.
1420586
I'll see what I can do, but I just have one little thing left. It doesn't matter if I wait 10 minutes or 10 months, I remember everything I write. I have this ability to retain whatever I have done in the past so it is always fresh in my head. That's why I need an outside influence. Sure, I might be able to see something that could be changed at some point, but it's minor and not that important.
What you said about living in the moment, I forget it every time. I've had about 4 authors tell me to put myself into the story to do exactly what you described and I just keep forgetting to do it because I immediately put down what I think. I have this tendency to put down things only when I know they are right, so putting details ends up being a chore. "Do those drapes match the carpet? Is this color scheme correct? Will someone say that purple doesn't match yellow and should never be in the same room together?" I know I shouldn't think like that, but I'm a perfectionist and I can't stop myself.
Here's what goes through my head when I try to do details: "All right, I'm sitting here at the table. I'll look up and see the other pony. What does she look like? Can I say she's laying on a forehoof? Bah, I won't mention it since I can't be certain if that's allowed. What about the design of the cabin? Hmm, how about velvet with gold? No, brass! Okay, velvet and brass works. That's kinda bland though... Does black work with that? Where can I put black. Black runner carpet? Yes, but what if that's not right? Would a train cart even have this look? I've never been on a train, so maybe. Bah, I'll just put something down and hope noone calls me on my bullshit."
Second-guessing all the time. This isn't from me thinking of what others think, really. This is from me thinking that it isn't correct to myself. I don't know what I want and I don't know what it's supposed to be because I have no experience with being on a train. All I have to go on is this one show that showed the inside of a train.
I decided to mess with the first few paragraphs that you gave me examples for. I was able to come up with something different from your example, but I can't think of anything but to use your second one verbatim.
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1420586
My duo of pennies on the subject.
I pretty much think of myself as a puppeteer. And like any good puppeteer, I have to put on a good show and string some people along.
And yes, I am replying for the singular purpose of making a pun.
1422133
Well you're insane, so it's easy for you to make these characters come to life. Though I do think you need to work on emotion some more. Haha.
By the way, you have 2 days to write the next chapter of Befriend if you want to make good on your promise to that guy.
1422133
I'm more like the puppeteer AND the puppet--I shove my own arm up my own ass and do tricks!
1422147
I think it's a girl actually, though I've been wrong before,
In other, more relevant, news.
I am very impressed with how good this story actually is.
I wish I got encouragingly critical text walls.
Anyhow, Good beginning! I'm enjoyin' this. Looking forward to some more.
Y U HAVE NO TABS?
1435019
I don't write with the first line indented. They are obtrusive and unnecessary, only used to increase page length. Indenting actually causes more confusion than not in most cases, especially when you use single line paragraphs and dialogue. The only time I feel indenting is necessary is when you do not space out your paragraphs. Essentially, this:
is acceptable, or this:
but I don't see the need to do this:
It's all about style choice, really. I like the clean look of a solid backboard.
1435131
I believe it's fine the way it is and that everyone would prefer to write that way if it weren't for the fact that pretty much all books a person reads are indented, making us feel like if it isn't, they are doing something wrong.
"Where's chapter two?"
"You should ditch the one guy's stories and just write your own"
Do you hear them staple? THE NEIGHSAYERS?
Seriously though, I think people want a second chapter.
FURST!
AWWW YISSSS.
The mystery deepens.
It would certainly be interesting if the insanity was due to something in ponyville's water. Why else would Twilight give that riddle? I'm fairly certain there has to be some method to her madness...
Great story! You're keeping me on my toes and I can't quite guess the cause of the disease yet
1415721 You have 378? I have 1516! Not sure if that's a bragging right or a shame!
3436737
That was a year ago. Now I've hit 909, but it probably would have been higher if I didn't have other interests and events going on during that year.
I prefer to think of it as a bragging shame. "Look, I have all these stories I'm interested in; aren't I just a swell guy for liking any genre equally?"
It's the Everfree mist, isn't it? Walk through it without paying attention, and you'll wander forever till' death. Or, from another perspective, it could be a spider web. You can walk through it. But if you don't notice it and get bitten... Or perhaps, it may be the breath of a Timber Wolf. It is a mere part of the air. But being ignorant of it can cause you to be eaten.
Hmn... Does a Timber Wolf's breath act as a hallucinogenic under the right circumstances? Does the 'not-sanity' affect the Element Bearers in relation to their elements? For instance, Twilight separated herself from her friends, and one of Pinkie's first symptoms was maniacal laughter.
So many questions...
How dare you force me to read the story using the title! Well, here it goes. I'll tell you how it went after I'm done.
When I saw 'count the shadows', my first though was Doctor Who's Vashta Nerada.
Darn, chapter three already? This is why I normally don't read stories that are incomplete.
Overall I say it was good and I'll be coming back here regularly to check for updates.
3437150
I'll be honest, I didn't know it was a Doctor Who reference until I finally watched the show. It's nice to see the title is garnering attention, though.
3437636
It's been some time since I last wrote a chapter, but comments like this make me want to continue at a faster pace than before. Thanks!
Hmm, so a riddle with a possibly fake answer? Interesting enough haha. Twilight seems to be turning into some cross between Hannibal and the Riddler...
Nice to see a story that provokes the mind, I haven't been reading too many thinking books lately because of a slight fic reading spree (not that there aren't any fics that leave the reader wanting to discover more) so this kind of story was a welcome surprise. It seems almost a shame I had in in the read later thingie for a while. Anyway, fantabulous story and hope you keep up with it
, which I'm sure you will no matter how much of a chore it becomes right? 
Interesting enough that I'm looking forward to the continuation! Very interested to see whether AJ and Rarity are next.
I am intrigued. While I am not well read in mystery, nor an expert by any means, this case already has me baffled. I will eagerly await more to see how this tale unfolds.
-C.Storm
Well well well, the day has finally arrive where the fourth chapter of this has been brought into being.
.
.
.
Woo
I like the sociology, not sure if that word fits but whatever, you've created for Equestria. The different clans are simply fascinating
I do hope you will continue this as you did a good job
MOAR!
I hope Trixie comes back into the story.
Wonderful! A new to chapter to this exellent story.
This story is just so criminally underrated, you're doing a great job.
Hehe, I'm sorry, but the first thing that came into my head after reading the riddle was slenderman, I mean, he lives in a forest, but from what I've heard he didn't originally live there, you move around him in the game and...ok, he probably does care, i mean that's why he's killing you...still, if you're not paying attention properly, that's when he's most likely to get you and, he kills you, after waiting..I'm sorry, that answer might just come from me having played slenderman recently but anyway.
Anyway, my proper answer (that I can currently think of) is darkness. Yeh, that's my guess to the riddle.
Darkness lives anywhere, so it's 'house' can be anywhere or everywhere, You move through the darkness, it's not gonna do anything-unless you aren't paying attention-which is where the forgotten bit comes in, you can hurt yourself in the dark if you're not careful and in a forest-specifically, since its MLP, the Everfree forest-your life is with you in the forest, so its with the forest (and aren't spooky forests supposed to be full of spirits?) and the Everfree forest is likely to kill you (sorta). Anyway. THIS STORY IS AWESOME!!!!!
7935777
actually, considering the title, maybe the answer is shadows...
*Cancelled*
RRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
8197136
I'm sorry, Chrysalis.