"No time for goodbye," he said as he faded away. "Don't put your life in someone's hands; they're bound to steal it away. Don't hide your mistakes, 'cause they'll find you, burn you."
A fan of FiM wakes up in Equestria with only his boxers, a comforter, and a pillow. Is it a lucid dream or something more? He soon finds that things aren't as simple as expected and is thrown into a fight with his own sanity.
((The story is undergoing an overhaul. Please excuse the mess as I fail spectacularly at writing a story no one remembers to make myself feel better.))
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didnt see that coming
713634
Thanks for the comment.
It is a lot easier to write Celestia than Twilight. I keep forcing myself into these situations though. I don't like conversation and yet here I am, time and time again.
At least I can only get better if this keeps happening.
well that was... entertaining.
I like it so far, I want to see where this goes.
My really praise is when you take the cliche ideas, (such as Discord being the reason behind the human in equestria) and you make them feel brand new through a clever play of words and emotions. Quite the wordsmith you are.
716253
Thank you. I had hoped that I could do something to keep the cliches less boring.
dude why didnt you give him a back story
You have captured my interest, go on.
716697
He's got one, but it's difficult for me to find a good spot to put it. I didn't want to break the flow by having an info dump. There's bits and pieces showing up throughout the story though.
716711
I'm glad I could capture your interest.
ohh i just have to read it all ................smart
716728
Yes, I totally planned that >.>
Very nice progression so far. I like how you are pacing Celetia's acceptance of the creature. Especially since she knows what he is.
very nice very nice, i mean man do you know how to put together a great story so far.
718129
Thank you muchly.
your welcome man i mean im new so i started writing myself so reading others storys that are really good really make me feel good to see others enjoy writing so yeah see you later StapleCactus
I'm really getting into this. Fight scenes are fun!
Yup, that's Discord.
Nice.
nice job man, wow was that good cant wait to see how this plays out.
719720
*Clap* *Clap* *Clap*
That was well written, I'm going to enjoy this.
That is discord all right,
"Denail ain't just a river in Egypt you know"
Thats good, insanity is so refreshing sometimes, makes the mundane seem a lot more exciting.
Thank you all. Writing Discord really is a fun experience.
Stop leaving me on a cliffhanger gosh dangit. Now I have to wait until tomorrow for the next part in order to sate my curiosity.
It feels like I've been roped into an odd addictive business deal or something similar. Whatever, point is this. You are a great author, I don't care what people say. I've heard arguments that length makes a story, this simply isn't true. The brevity of this story is what makes it so intriguing. Best of luck and all that, see ya next chapter.
-N64Fan
721807
I just keep thanking ya don't I? It's hard for me to avoid cliffhangers. I'm not sure if it's a problem with new writers or not, but I just feel that when each chapter ends, it's supposed to. It just feels right to end each one like I have.
staplecactus you might be one of the best wrighters iv seen on fimfiction
722118
I... wow... thank you. That means a lot to me.
You should check out shortskirtsandexplosions, device heretic, or Wanderer D, though. They have some real talent in my eyes.
722170 allright ill ill see what they have i love a good fanfic especially if it was recomended from someone who has written one
722188
I don't know what your tastes are but ssande's End of Ponies and Background Pony are excellent. device heretic's Eternal and Wanderer D's The Empty Room are also my recommendations.
722237 thanks ill read them now
There you go N64Fan. You don't have to wait til tomorrow.
722709
YAY!
Thanks man, quite diligent of you to put this out for me.
Now it's gone from that really annoying cliff hanger feeling to an unsure silence where I'm not quite sure what's going on with Dex. Voices in his head, forgetfulness... and unless I missed something he never mentioned a manticore stabbing him. Hmm, Intriguing.
722860
I think I'm getting addicted to writing. The line in the journal 'I don't know what it did to me' was all inclusive. As far as I know, fights happen and you don't remember every wound you get.
722881
Alternatively you could say that he got in fight with a manticore and he had already started becoming forgetful at that point. This would be allowed since the chapter prior to this one is written in the alternate style of following his journal entries. (The journal thing was a stroke of genius in retrospect)
722897
Hmm... I still want to go with getting wounded in the throws of battle. Then again, you could say that and the story should still work out fine.
I think I'm adding more and more things that I won't be able to resolve. I might need to split the last chapter to explain it all. Plot holes are bad.
722912
Are you kidding? Plot holes are the author's greatest tool, you just have to know how to use them to your advantage.
It's like alcohol in that sense I suppose.
For instance, you could cover up the plot hole and explain it as a mystery. Go all Lemony Snicket on that story man.
722881
Well now this is getting really good and i really like what your doing with how it plays out but im not try to judge it buts really good so now your story is on my list to be checked all the time an don't worry thats just me when i like a story so much.
so yeah can't wait to see what you do with the next chapter and trust me i'm ready for any thing you throw out there.
723376
That's good to know because I'm going to do something that will probably make you go 'the heck he do that for?!'
Maybe
Conclusion?
Nicely written but I feel like you rushed the whole 'figuring out who the voices were' thing. While brevity is a good feel for this story this level of it is just lazy and sloppy.
In other news, plot holes plot holes everywhere and not a drop to drink.
HOWEVER! Given that this is your first fic I feel that you handled it quite well you just need to remember to answer more questions at the end then you leave open. That way people tent to overlook the bad.
That's all I got right now with my mind in the state it is currently in.
-N64Fan
726388
You know, after I posted it I thought 'Maybe I shouldn't have written this as soon as I woke up.' Even though I wrote it, I could only come up with 4 things that needed explaining. I have an epilogue to do that explains what just happened at the end there though.
Could you tell me what all plot holes I might have missed? Also, I definitely need to go through it and flesh it out more. You're right, it does seem rushed.
There's just one problem really. I have NO idea how I want to end it.
726419
I'm gonna be completely honest with ya, the plot holes are not important and I could care less if they stay. Just make the story less rushed please?
Warning: No Mercy Thoughts Below.
The name thing seems tacked on as an afterthought, the voices were set up over two chapters but dealt with in one paragraph. The forgetfulness was completely ignored and he put little to no thought on the subject of 'is this world real or not'. You once again brought up the idea of him fighting the manticore but this time he's dead sure he fought it away with no explanation as to why. You seem to jump from topic to topic during the talk with Celestia with little to no segway 'twixt them. And you don't explain as to why he goes off on his own, while were on the topic of him going off on his own you should have at least let him look around the castle a bit before his big ephiphany.
I think that's about it, the brunt of my constructive criticism
-N64Fan.
726450
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I fleshed out the garden scene a bit before I read your comment here. Now, I like to defend my choices so hopefully you don't take it the wrong way. Here goes:
The name thing really was tacked on. I thought people would get caught on what Discord said earlier and felt it was needed. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't follow the manticore thing you mentioned. I thought it was covered between the journal and the nurse telling him the wounds.
He states that he wants to be alone to decide. Generally speaking, that's how I would do things. I think things through on my own and avoid distractions.
There really was no segway there huh? Ok, new clause, 'Never write within the first 10 minutes of waking up.' I'll figure something out there, hopefully it will be better.
And thus, I see the need for an editor. Thanks again for constructive criticism. Oh, by the way, where do you think he is now?
726419 he wakes up in the canterlot hospital dosent he???
when im wrighting i usually play it out in my head a few different endings and i pick the best one
726419
726513
I normally make a first draft in my head and then come up with changes as I actually write the 'second draft,' but it doesn't work very well when I'm still half asleep it seems.
726499
Maybe...
Author note/confusion below
Ok, so I could have him wake up in either hospital in the epilogue, but there's a few problems with that. See, I've got an idea of what I want to do on both sides, but if I went with the Equestrian side, it leaves the story open. I'm not sure that's a good thing or not, but leaving it open for sequels when I don't even know if I want to write more about him leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
726541half the stories in the known universe leave the story open
and never do
it just gives you an apoution to do it
726490
Be aware that if he wakes up in the real Equestria hospital you have to explain why the stuff is actually true and not something he just dreamed up.
Don't get me wrong the name thing is nessasary just explain WHY a name is so important, put a catch all line in about a name becomes an extension of a pony's soul or something.
The manticore thing, in the journal he says there is a monster that he is slightly scared of at least hints at him being scared of it. In the hospital they tell him he was stung by a manticore and he's like 'aww crap, manticore poison.' Then in this chapter he's like 'heck yea, survived a manticore, booyashaka'. Just seems a bit inconsistent.
726746
Oh, that was funny. Booyashaka! Anyway, the manticore was mentioned in the journal though. I redid everything here a bit though. You were right about him being all happy about surviving the manticore though, just changed it to the forest in general.
I've got most everything worked out for either outcome really. And the name thing... yeah, that's kinda what I was going for... but I did a REALLY bad job of it. I still think that whole piece is off even after I just rewrote the danged thing!
726769
Welcome to my world.... Except I find that my writing is more like painting. The start is the hardest for me, after that I breeze through the middle and then I sometimes forget the extra time to flesh out the details to make it as amazing to everyone else as it is to me.
Because of how my writing is I think I redid the 2,000 word intro to my first story like 10 times and I still don't like it. Luckily I concluded that story though so I no longer have to look at it ever again.
726799
Are you sure it doesn't haunt your dreams?
Well, I'm doing a pro/con thing... It's more like a 'which way is easier to explain' thing.... Either way, I wanted to end the story like this. I wanted the readers to go, 'hmm, what if' and draw their own conclusions. But I hate those endings! Why would I end a story the exact way I hate stories ending as? So, epilogue is a go.