This story is being rewritten only continue with this version if you wish to see a butcher of the english language.
Some people says that when you die you rest in eternal peace, I have seen life and death in face and I can tell you they are wrong. Hundreds of years ago. I died well more precisely my body died. Like for all inhabitant of the Gaia branch, (realm of the mortals) my soul was sent in the Veil, were every single worlds were created by the Elder Gods.
Of course I choose to go to Equestria who sane fan of the show would refuse to go there when there no way home? Well no way home, except if you accept to lose all your memories and proceed to the 'reincarnation' of course. Unfortunately my arrival was not unoticed by Time Skip. Member of the infamous Soul Reapers. The last remnants of the great war of the gods. But Time Skip and the Reapers were just one of the many chalenges that I encoutered in my hundreds of years passed in Equestria, sit and grab some grubs because this will be a long story.
This is the story of how it's all begins, how I lost my humanity and how I learn that a dream is sometime not realised but can make acomplished great things.
This is the first story in The Shareverse
Your main problems are run on sentences, forgeting to capitalize, and tense. Fix them and you'll be good!
Oh, and the idea makes up for it being HiE. Very original.
Also like that you posted 7 chapters!!
1347184
There are far more errors than those, my friend. I can understand if the author doesn't speak English as his primary language, but this story doesn't isn't even readable in its current state.
1336317
Then you need an editor, a proofer and/or at least someone who speaks fluent Level 3+ English to look over this before you submit.
if you want i could help edit it. If you want.
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1336317
What is your native language?
Mine is Danish.
(And no that dos not mean I can talk with Pastries.)
I'm getting you a big bag of commas for your birthday.
This needs editing. It really does.
I'm going to give this a pass for two reasons.
Your main language is not English which doesn't work in your favour and according to everybody else you've got poor sentence structure.
If these people are telling you you need work, I suggest you listen to them.
Fear not new author, TCA is here to help!
Dramatic introduction aside, here are my tips to help you.
Grammar: Run-on sentences seem to be the biggest problem so far. You could really use a lot more commas and periods to break these up.
EX: Fog began to show everywhere and suddenly another car appear in front of us my father who was driving the car try to escape the hit but instead we cash in a tree.
This could be changed into: Fog began to show everywhere, and suddenly another car appeared in front of us. My father, who was driving the car tried to escape the hit, but instead we crashed into a tree.
This makes it much easier for the reader to comprehend what you are trying say. Also, when a character speaks, their words go in quotation marks and not the two symbols you put in there.
EX: "How bad is my fic, TCA?" The new author asked TCA
"I won't lie to you, it still needs a lot of work" TCA replied to the author's rather naive question
Thoughts go in italics and quotation marks also
EX: "How am I going to fix this fic?" TCA wondered to himself
There are a out of misspellings and random capitalization. People, places, and thoughts are always capitalized when writing. For spelling, try to keep an English dictionary close to you so you can look up words you're not familiar with. Tense changes are another big problem; A good way to try and fix this is to look at other stories (Mainly the ones in the feature box) ans take elements of their writing and implement into your writing. Your pacing, on the other hand, is actually pretty good, so that is a major plus.
Formatting: I can't really get on you for this, as you got almost most if not all of your formatting correct.
Character: Your characterizations are also a bit off, although it is only slightly noticeable. Other than that, not much else for me to complain about.
General: A meh first story attempt. The story concept has been used countless times times, so there's not much hope there. However, with improvements to grammar and spelling, you could definitely be a much better writer.
-TWE's newest editor, The Chosen Atheist, out
1361311 I'm Danish too!
1407708
Hurra hvor kommer du så fra Broder/søster Brony?
Zelda reference. Priceless
Cannot wait for next chapter
1347213
Allow me to tell you a story. It is relevant, I assure you. When I first joined the Society of Grammatically Correct National Socialists, I was cautioned against hypocrisy. It is considered lesson zero. One of the worst mistakes a young Nazi can make is to, in his righteous fury, make mistakes in his corrections. We have all done it at some point or another. Yet, that does not make it any more acceptable. Why would the original writer correct his mistakes if you made some in your correction? As far as the original writer knows, you have no idea what you are talking about.
The point of all that was to explain why you need to be using nigh perfect grammar and spelling should you ever try to correct someone else's. If you have failures in a less than five hundred word comment, who are you to call out errors in a one thousand plus word story? Proof-reading is a boon for every time you put fingers to keys or pen to parchment; not just when writing an epic saga of adventure and romance.
Strike the Earth!
-Onyx
1478937 That wasn't poor grammar, it seemed to just be an oversight. He clearly wrote a sentence that had 'doesn't' in it (and it made sense at the time), changed his mind and deleted everything after doesn't, rewrote the sentence, but this time wrote the better fitting auxiliary verb 'isn't'. He simply forgot to remove the remnant of the previous sentence, probably because he didn't want to spend too much time on a story that has little hope of saving (grammatically at least, haven't read the story so I don't know how it is. He was simply stating the fact that this story will be ill received because of his/her unfortunate handicap of not knowing the English language fluently enough). I'm only saying this because I know that Daffodil can write well enough from what I've seen, and he is a pre-reader for EQD. Also, forgetting to replace the proper auxiliary verb is a common problem when rewriting a sentence, especially when in a hurry, so I know the feeling.
But I respect the fact that you are at least a more kind and respectable Grammar Nazi. It's a tough and often thankless job, and we are often hated for our work, but somebody has to do it.
1350555
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1479356 i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/005/742/sweetjesus.jpg
1479377
Wait, what meme is that again?
1479174
Good point. If I remember correctly, and I may very well be wrong as my memory is far from perfect, the intent was more aimed at trying to get the original poster (I hate saying things like that "the original poster", but I can't rightly use pronouns there so I'm somewhat screwed) to proof-read. It's the kind of mistake that is common, but easily reparable on account of the edit comment option built into the site. It wasn't really that big of an issue, I just assumed it was worth a short comment.
1479794 Indeed, glad you clarified that. I wasn't sure if you were saying that he made a grammatical error, or that he should revise his mistake, due to me misinterpreting the tone and meaning of your comment. I'm glad it was the latter. I nearly have a heart attack whenever I notice a mistake in my comments after posting, and have to fix it however minor it is or how little it may be read. You and I are probably the same in that regard. I can't live knowing I have a mistake in a comment for all to see. But some people probably don't care as much, especially when it's as short as Daffodil's and on a story of this quality. This is fine, as it is harmless and the meaning isn't lost (though I don't blame you for informing him of the mistake, I probably would have done the same
), but when a story has a mistake such as this, or any grammar mistake for that matter, Grammar Nazi mode activates.
Keep doing what you do. As long as there is at least one Grammar Nazi alive (or TWE member, as they seem to have taken the law into their hands), then grammar and spelling, and by extension the art of writing, won't completely die.
1479668 Sweet Jesus
1480273
Why did you use it again?
1479947
I'm guilty of both. Proud TWE member, unofficial reviewer (meaning I review the stories they include, but I don't include a TWE signature) and Grammar Nazi. Convenient.
1480276 to express the fact that you had said everything I wanted to say but much shorter
1487841
Wait, what? How do you say more than a wall of text?
1488066 You don't wanna know...
1493911
Maybe I do.
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i got more respect for cadance now! nice chapter
i cannot wait for the next chapter
Why are you getting respect from that...that....monster! she beat me and all my army of changeling
............Chrysis...your the one who attack her first........
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Okay... That was... Interesting. And it could be pretty good. But now I find myself wanting an edit. Please. Get an editor. Or, if you think you don't need one, try to edit it yourself. There are some mistakes, which is fine! Everyone makes mistakes! But multiple mistakes tends to reduce the overall readability....
hahahaha Cadence
AWWW YEA, thx for the chapter
I have amazing grammar filters.
It's like a little grammar nazi in my noggin auto corrects what I read an parses it into my grey thinking goo.
It allows me to read stuff like this and see the underlying story, without being caught up over issues like, English not being this guy's native language.
I've given this a skim. I might continue reading.
1336317 It doesn't have to be perfectly written, it just has to be legible. I personally can overlook most mistakes because I when I read I read multiple words at the same time. But despite everything, and despite how interesting the story seems to be I could hardly make it past the first few paragraphs without getting annoyed. If you can, find somebody willing to edit it for you.
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEARN TO WRITE
Wait so flutershy is an Alduin impersonators brother, WHAT THE "buy some apples"?! and now I'm being sencored Talos damnit
Sorry for the wait for this chapter, I just hadn't the inspiration nor want to write for a little while. And add this to the fact that I just bought, Portal 2 and Fallout 3, so yeah sorry again.
100k words arleady and at the 50th chapter at that
Thanks to the ones who follow this story this far. And espiecially to Silver Fang who was the one who support me the most this far.
This chapter was completely weird., This was suppose to be more comedic than it's arleady is but yeah I don't think I really have a talent for funny and random moments in a fanfic
Sorry for the extremely long wait, I lost a lot of my motivation lately propably because I don't like to write the same thing twice because of a brocken computer. I will try to update sooner for the next chapters no promise through
1480607
What does TWE stand for?
Are you sure that this isn't a crossover? Because it sure sounds like one.
2467037 It does talk about some universe of video games at some point since I talk a lot about the multiverse. But it don't have a enough impact on the story to be considered a crossover
" ``His heart work is new body is in perfect heal`` "
Possibly the single most incomprehensible sentence in this entire fic.
And if you cannot write good grammar in a given language, DON'T WRITE IN THAT LANGUAGE.
Translation:
There something that isn't right, why can't I remember who I am?
Ah! A chair it's perfect!
But I don't look like a colt at all!
Please tell me it's not true.
AAAAAAAAAHHHH! I'm a filly!
These fillies are crazy!
The grammar is a bit hard to interprite, otherwise a good story
2474831 Fixed
Ok in the sevens months I have been writting I learned a lot I'm not a expert, so I will try to continue my Edit I did before my computer broke down I don't know how long it will take since I focuse more on the sequel than this, but I will try to fix this train wreck that is the first chapters of this fic